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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1997)
By Mute Fate and Bernie Red Cloud Lilly-white boy and the token secular minority By day, he stands atop the Neebarkska State Capitol Building, a motionless beacon in the city. But by night, a Daily Harassment investi gation has found, the sower statue is a crime fighter, a super hero known as the Golden Sower. Reports of a burly farm boy with superhu man strength and a bag of seed slung over his shoulder have been spreading like wildfire among the crime element of Lickin. Victims of his one-man crusade against crime in the Star City have told police that his power is great. They speak of a great “stream of chaw-spit that flies like a laser beam” and “com seeds that fly like bullets.” One 13-year-old ne’er-do-well said the Sower could take on 12 teen-age gang mem bers — the most powerful crime element in Lickin — and walk away unscathed. And, the newspaper has found, crime in the streets is disappearing. Reports of ruthless van dalism, shoplifting and meter-plugging have plummeted, the gruff, Irish Police ChiefThumb O’Cassidy said. Other crimes that have gripped the city have been dropping quickly. lire slashings, red-light running and even jaywalking have all been dropping. “Well, there are three kinds of lies,” O’Cassidy said. “There are lies, what public relations officers tell you and statistics. But sta tistics don’t lie, and neither do I, and these sta tistics say crime is going away, damn it.” In an exhaustive, back-breakin’, nerve wrenchin’, heart-achin’ investigation, the Daily Harassment interviewed 10 people and three of them actually wanted to talk to reporters. One guy said he had crossed paths with the caped crusader. “Yeah, I was, you know, like parking in a blue lot when I only have a green permit,” said the man, who did not know his own name. “The guy swooped down and, like, you know, spit some chew juice on me and it, like, knocked . • me to the ground. “You know, that stuff stains and all, but I learned my lesson.” Meanwhile, in the mayor’s office Word of the chew-chonping champion has reached the highest levels of the city govern ment. And they claim they have no knowledge of the seed-sowing saint. Mild-mannered Mikey Yohmans said in an interview last week that he knew nothing about the Golden Sower. But a Daily Harassment hidden-camera in vestigation found the Golden Sower sneaking into the mayor’s office. The super hero left only with cookies. When Yohman was shown the tape, he said “no comment.” He then proceeded, for four hours, to tell the newspaper that the govern ment has been using the Sower as a crime fight ing tool. “That boy can whoop some ass,” the mayor said. “In fact, I haven’t seen that much whoop ass since I told my wife that she looked fat in some ugly dress.” However, those in the Lickm Cop Shop aren’t so sure about the benefit of a caped crime fighter. A police sergeant, who refused to be identi fied if her name wasn’t written in pig Latin, said she was skeptical of a man who spit at people and threw seeds like he was “Nolan Ryan on crack.” “Yeah, that boy can whoop some ass, but come on,” Nnaay Eermannhay said. “Who is really going to be scared by a chew-spitting ninny like him?” Meanwhile, on the streets Mysterious as he is, criminals know he is there. According to Lickin’ Police records taken by a guy named Guido, The Golden Sower is responsible for 42,628 arrests, which is more arrests than the number of reported incidents to the department. One group of criminals, however, knows its days of going beyond the law are over. “Yeah, we can’t bum stuff no more,” said a man who would only be identified as “a guy who lives in that house that bums crosses.” “We used to go out in fields, get dressed up and bum stuff, and people like, you know, got mad and stuff. We didn’t know that if you bum a cross, it’s like, a KKK thing. “But boy, did that Golden Sower whoop our asses.” Meanwhile, in the Legislature The senator formerly known as Ernie has an ally in his cmsade for justice. Several members of the Punycameral have said the Golden Sower is a dedicated watch dog for Neebarkska’s government. The hero— affectionately known as “Skippy”—has given input on several bills during the session this year and in years past. Witnesses told the Daily Harassment that “Skippy” is often seen perched atop the Capi tol during the 90-day session, periodically spew ing forth a stream of pre-chewed fury at the heads of thoughtless senatbores. Every time a prejudiced or useless mil is presented to a committee or other silly action occurs, the witnesses say, com seeds and to bacco juice cover the floor. “Skippy’s” past vic tims include Blight Tweeterson, Katie Bitit, Kermit Braftog and even Gov. Bane Half nelson during a press conference on manda tory bike licensing. TSFKAEmie said he appreciates “Skippy’s” help the most of all the senatborcs. “Skippy’s got his head in the right place,” TSFKAEmie said. “On his shoulder, not in his bag, like that @#$!* Katie Bitit. Let me tell you something about her...” TSFKAEmie continued his tirade for sev eral hours before finally saying, “I’m the gatekeeper, I am the master of legislation. Bow down before me, Katie Bitit!!!” Other senatbores are wary of the felony fighting farmer and can be seen looking over their shoulders from time to time. Sen. John-Boy Pruning of Holemaha is es pecially aware of “Skippy’s” presence. It seems the freshman senatbore has been picked on regularly by the super hero, probably because, as Sen. Brave Glandis of Lickin puts it, “he’s so damn young.” Glandis said a particularly nasty incident occurred after a lengthy filibuster by TSFKAEmie on a bill that would have enforced a new Neebarkska shoe tax. Pruning stood up and screamed, “For the love of god, shut up!” After that, “Skippy” took action, Glandis said. “He sure did whoop John-Boy’s ass,” he said. When the Daily Harassment questioned Pruning about this apparent fixation the Sower has, he quit drooling and staring at the green and-red voting lights long enough to say, “Huh?” Meanwhile, on campus Administrative MC Jimmy Wheezer said his job is easier, thanks to the rural wrong righter. “We sure had some problems on campus this year,” Wheezer said, “but that there super hero guy has opened a big can of whoop ass on cam pus.” Both Wheezer and Associate Administra tive MC for Spending Money Melville Bones said the recent furor over the I Felta Thigh candy cane-striping incident has been quelled because of his actions. After organizations such as the Militant Ultra-Feminists, the Federation of American Guys and the Panhellnic Resource Institute for Campus Coordination raised objections to the inaction of NUL officials, the Sower stepped in, Bones said. “When that boy opened that can of whoop ass, those frat boys looked like one-legged men in an ass-kicking contest,” Bones said. Wheezer said the Sower punished the mem bers of I Felta Thigh by visiting every T-shirt shop in the state and having the fraternity’s printing privileges revoked. The president of I Felta Thigh, known only as “Danny Boy,” would not comment further than saying, “We thought it wasn’t that big of a deal.” The Sower has also whooped the ass of snotty DH reporters, whiny faculty bitching about actually having to prove that they are doing a good job after tenure and futball play ers obeying the law, studying and being up standing young men. And although the Daily Harassment was unable to reach the Golden Sower for comment, he did whoop these reporter’s asses. Ding, dong, Sen. Ernie’s gone By Biased Anti-feminist No. 2 Ernie’s Press Secretary The senator formerly known as Ernie is in the hospital this week re covering from an extreme bout of lar yngitis. Speaker Don Gittum said the absence of the senator for merly known as Ernie’s voice should result in passage of at least 800 extra bills this session and senators should be done with the 90-day session about 45 days early. Sen. Dim Jensen giggled with glee at the thought of all the “anti-” bills he would get to pass. “Anti-gays, anti-lesbians!!!” he snickered as he rolled around the chamber floor in delight. “Everything that is not Republican, Christian, fun damentalist shall be banned for all eternity!” In protest, the senator formerly known as Ernie sent a poem nearly the length of Homer’s “The Illiad” to protest the passage of the “anti-” bill package. Here is a portion of the poem: “I cannot speak upon this bill, I cannot go and take a pill. I will not speak, but cannot stand, To listen to you brand, Everything that is not grand, Underneath your Republican plan. I will not eat green eggs and ham I will not eat them, a Solon I am.” In other legislative news, Sen. Kermit Brafrog lost his newly-ac quired toupee in Sen. Spam Smellpepper’sbowl of peanut M&Ms. Sen. Rennie Gobak said she never knew Brafog’s lovely white shock of hair was a toupee. “I am quite surprised... and I won’t be digging into Smellpepper’s hairy candy for a while, eitftqr” <3obak said. Brafrog said he had to get the tou pee recently after a frustrated testifier in the Judiciary committee ripped out his locks when Brafrog forced him to quit talking after the allotted five min utes. Sen. Brave Glandus of Lickin of fered to loan Brafrog his bow tie for a few months to detract attention from his fake hair. Glandus said the bow tie was effective in drawing attention away from his socks, which often did not match. Sen. Katie Schmuck, also of Lickin, surprised Brafrog with a kiss when she learned of his plight. Sur prisingly, he turned into a little green hopping creature who is his namesake. A page who saw the event gave this account. “She kissed Kermit and poof] he turned into a little green toad! “Schmuck asked him if he wanted her to kiss him again to turn him back into the dapper gent that he normally is, and in reply, Kermit stuck out his tongue, caught a fly, and hopped out , the. b^kdopf^Qo figure.” ''SV' Come and se^mat; r