By Mute Fate and Bernie Red Cloud
Lilly-white boy and the token secular minority
By day, he stands atop the Neebarkska State
Capitol Building, a motionless beacon in the
city. But by night, a Daily Harassment investi
gation has found, the sower statue is a crime
fighter, a super hero known as the Golden
Sower.
Reports of a burly farm boy with superhu
man strength and a bag of seed slung over his
shoulder have been spreading like wildfire
among the crime element of Lickin.
Victims of his one-man crusade against
crime in the Star City have told police that his
power is great. They speak of a great “stream
of chaw-spit that flies like a laser beam” and
“com seeds that fly like bullets.”
One 13-year-old ne’er-do-well said the
Sower could take on 12 teen-age gang mem
bers — the most powerful crime element in
Lickin — and walk away unscathed.
And, the newspaper has found, crime in the
streets is disappearing. Reports of ruthless van
dalism, shoplifting and meter-plugging have
plummeted, the gruff, Irish Police ChiefThumb
O’Cassidy said.
Other crimes that have gripped the city have
been dropping quickly. lire slashings, red-light
running and even jaywalking have all been
dropping.
“Well, there are three kinds of lies,”
O’Cassidy said. “There are lies, what public
relations officers tell you and statistics. But sta
tistics don’t lie, and neither do I, and these sta
tistics say crime is going away, damn it.”
In an exhaustive, back-breakin’, nerve
wrenchin’, heart-achin’ investigation, the Daily
Harassment interviewed 10 people and three
of them actually wanted to talk to reporters.
One guy said he had crossed paths with the
caped crusader.
“Yeah, I was, you know, like parking in a
blue lot when I only have a green permit,” said
the man, who did not know his own name. “The
guy swooped down and, like, you know, spit
some chew juice on me and it, like, knocked
. •
me to the ground.
“You know, that stuff stains and all, but I
learned my lesson.”
Meanwhile, in the mayor’s office
Word of the chew-chonping champion has
reached the highest levels of the city govern
ment. And they claim they have no knowledge
of the seed-sowing saint.
Mild-mannered Mikey Yohmans said in an
interview last week that he knew nothing about
the Golden Sower.
But a Daily Harassment hidden-camera in
vestigation found the Golden Sower sneaking
into the mayor’s office. The super hero left only
with cookies.
When Yohman was shown the tape, he said
“no comment.” He then proceeded, for four
hours, to tell the newspaper that the govern
ment has been using the Sower as a crime fight
ing tool.
“That boy can whoop some ass,” the mayor
said. “In fact, I haven’t seen that much whoop
ass since I told my wife that she looked fat in
some ugly dress.”
However, those in the Lickm Cop Shop
aren’t so sure about the benefit of a caped crime
fighter.
A police sergeant, who refused to be identi
fied if her name wasn’t written in pig Latin,
said she was skeptical of a man who spit at
people and threw seeds like he was “Nolan Ryan
on crack.”
“Yeah, that boy can whoop some ass, but
come on,” Nnaay Eermannhay said. “Who is
really going to be scared by a chew-spitting
ninny like him?”
Meanwhile, on the streets
Mysterious as he is, criminals know he is
there.
According to Lickin’ Police records taken
by a guy named Guido, The Golden Sower is
responsible for 42,628 arrests, which is more
arrests than the number of reported incidents
to the department.
One group of criminals, however, knows its
days of going beyond the law are over.
“Yeah, we can’t bum stuff no more,” said a
man who would only be identified as “a guy
who lives in that house that bums crosses.”
“We used to go out in fields, get dressed up
and bum stuff, and people like, you know, got
mad and stuff. We didn’t know that if you bum
a cross, it’s like, a KKK thing.
“But boy, did that Golden Sower whoop our
asses.”
Meanwhile, in the Legislature
The senator formerly known as Ernie has
an ally in his cmsade for justice.
Several members of the Punycameral have
said the Golden Sower is a dedicated watch
dog for Neebarkska’s government. The hero—
affectionately known as “Skippy”—has given
input on several bills during the session this
year and in years past.
Witnesses told the Daily Harassment that
“Skippy” is often seen perched atop the Capi
tol during the 90-day session, periodically spew
ing forth a stream of pre-chewed fury at the
heads of thoughtless senatbores.
Every time a prejudiced or useless mil is
presented to a committee or other silly action
occurs, the witnesses say, com seeds and to
bacco juice cover the floor. “Skippy’s” past vic
tims include Blight Tweeterson, Katie Bitit,
Kermit Braftog and even Gov. Bane Half
nelson during a press conference on manda
tory bike licensing.
TSFKAEmie said he appreciates “Skippy’s”
help the most of all the senatborcs.
“Skippy’s got his head in the right place,”
TSFKAEmie said. “On his shoulder, not in his
bag, like that @#$!* Katie Bitit. Let me tell
you something about her...”
TSFKAEmie continued his tirade for sev
eral hours before finally saying, “I’m the
gatekeeper, I am the master of legislation. Bow
down before me, Katie Bitit!!!”
Other senatbores are wary of the felony
fighting farmer and can be seen looking over
their shoulders from time to time.
Sen. John-Boy Pruning of Holemaha is es
pecially aware of “Skippy’s” presence. It seems
the freshman senatbore has been picked on
regularly by the super hero, probably because,
as Sen. Brave Glandis of Lickin puts it, “he’s
so damn young.”
Glandis said a particularly nasty incident
occurred after a lengthy filibuster by
TSFKAEmie on a bill that would have enforced
a new Neebarkska shoe tax.
Pruning stood up and screamed, “For the
love of god, shut up!”
After that, “Skippy” took action, Glandis
said.
“He sure did whoop John-Boy’s ass,” he
said.
When the Daily Harassment questioned
Pruning about this apparent fixation the Sower
has, he quit drooling and staring at the green
and-red voting lights long enough to say,
“Huh?”
Meanwhile, on campus
Administrative MC Jimmy Wheezer said
his job is easier, thanks to the rural wrong
righter.
“We sure had some problems on campus this
year,” Wheezer said, “but that there super hero
guy has opened a big can of whoop ass on cam
pus.”
Both Wheezer and Associate Administra
tive MC for Spending Money Melville Bones
said the recent furor over the I Felta Thigh
candy cane-striping incident has been quelled
because of his actions.
After organizations such as the Militant
Ultra-Feminists, the Federation of American
Guys and the Panhellnic Resource Institute for
Campus Coordination raised objections to the
inaction of NUL officials, the Sower stepped
in, Bones said.
“When that boy opened that can of whoop
ass, those frat boys looked like one-legged men
in an ass-kicking contest,” Bones said.
Wheezer said the Sower punished the mem
bers of I Felta Thigh by visiting every T-shirt
shop in the state and having the fraternity’s
printing privileges revoked.
The president of I Felta Thigh, known only
as “Danny Boy,” would not comment further
than saying, “We thought it wasn’t that big of
a deal.”
The Sower has also whooped the ass of
snotty DH reporters, whiny faculty bitching
about actually having to prove that they are
doing a good job after tenure and futball play
ers obeying the law, studying and being up
standing young men.
And although the Daily Harassment was
unable to reach the Golden Sower for comment,
he did whoop these reporter’s asses.
Ding, dong, Sen. Ernie’s gone
By Biased Anti-feminist No. 2
Ernie’s Press Secretary
The senator formerly known as
Ernie is in the hospital this week re
covering from an extreme bout of lar
yngitis.
Speaker
Don Gittum said
the absence of
the senator for
merly known as
Ernie’s voice
should result in
passage of at
least 800 extra
bills this session
and senators
should be done
with the 90-day session about 45 days
early.
Sen. Dim Jensen giggled with glee
at the thought of all the “anti-” bills
he would get to pass.
“Anti-gays, anti-lesbians!!!” he
snickered as he rolled around the
chamber floor in delight. “Everything
that is not Republican, Christian, fun
damentalist shall be banned for all
eternity!”
In protest, the senator formerly
known as Ernie sent a poem nearly
the length of Homer’s “The Illiad” to
protest the passage of the “anti-” bill
package.
Here is a portion of the poem:
“I cannot speak upon this bill,
I cannot go and take a pill.
I will not speak, but cannot stand,
To listen to you brand,
Everything that is not grand,
Underneath your Republican plan.
I will not eat green eggs and ham
I will not eat them, a Solon I am.”
In other legislative news, Sen.
Kermit Brafrog lost his newly-ac
quired toupee in Sen. Spam
Smellpepper’sbowl of peanut M&Ms.
Sen. Rennie Gobak said she never
knew Brafog’s lovely white shock of
hair was a toupee.
“I am quite surprised... and I won’t
be digging into Smellpepper’s hairy
candy for a while, eitftqr” <3obak said.
Brafrog said he had to get the tou
pee recently after a frustrated testifier
in the Judiciary committee ripped out
his locks when Brafrog forced him to
quit talking after the allotted five min
utes.
Sen. Brave Glandus of Lickin of
fered to loan Brafrog his bow tie for a
few months to detract attention from
his fake hair. Glandus said the bow
tie was effective in drawing attention
away from his socks, which often did
not match.
Sen. Katie Schmuck, also of
Lickin, surprised Brafrog with a kiss
when she learned of his plight. Sur
prisingly, he turned into a little green
hopping creature who is his namesake.
A page who saw the event gave this
account.
“She kissed Kermit and poof] he
turned into a little green toad!
“Schmuck asked him if he wanted
her to kiss him again to turn him back
into the dapper gent that he normally
is, and in reply, Kermit stuck out his
tongue, caught a fly, and hopped out
, the. b^kdopf^Qo figure.”
''SV'
Come and se^mat; r
