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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1997)
MACK DADDY Drugged Coma ONION EDITBORE AnfemeeNew-yen EDITORIAL HORDE PAL. Lasagne Bernie Red Cloud JyratingKolostomy Def Scandal Olive N.U. Ido SPECIAL ED HORDE Dionne Warwick Jesus H. Christ Who T Fuch Our *4 SPEW A cornucopia of opinions, cornucopias The Daily Harassment wishes to take this opportunity to clarify all views held within. Much to our collective chagrin, confusion on this matter permeates our cattle-ranged cam pus, and though a hellish inconvenience to us, we will sort out your muddled heads so as to alleviate our mailbox of your nonstop pisses-and-moans. Daily Harassment view No. 1: Freedom of Censorship. Without a doubt the most ba sic of human rights, the freedom to censor other people’s words must be protected. With out such a right, we lose the ability to place our own opinions on the highest order of the speech hierarchy. This is wrong. . un view ino. bz: Kiuucai ieimnism is me only feminism. And we think that’s A-OK! DH view No. 7A: Actually, sometimes we’re not in the mood for radical feminism. We might be in a bar or at a hot-oil wrestling extravaganza and our feminist views just don’t seem to bode well. At this point we embrace radical chauvinism.-YotaMjppm find a collection of men and women With harder support of male belligerence. Men of the world, stand firmly in the face of femi nine oppression and bum your jockstrap, - destroy the implement that chains you to the domineering ovarian ball! For the love of man untether thyselves, let the wo-MAN hear you roar! DH view No. IV: We find the following things and people to be bad. Clones, clowns, crazy old women who eat children, evil alien invasion forces, Gavin and Gavin’s band. DH view No. 666: We find the following things and people to be good. Heads chopped by faxes, nude clog dancing, panda stew, Mike, murderousness, titmice and yeti ram pages. DH view No. 3-rotica: The Cabaret Royale is a night of exotic fun and unadul terated slurring. The opinions expressed above are our complete editorial scope. Any subject outside the confines of our view is irrelevant Please do not bother us with their details. Trapdoor Policy Daily Harassment editorials are die handi work of leprechauns. They do not necessar ily reflect die views of the mentally stable nor, for the sake of humanity, should they. Ws employ the Irish fairies’ service because it amuses us to watch leprechauns take them selves seriously. While the editorials “write themselves," the human members of the staff go to Wilderness Park for add-dropping,a round of Parcheesi and occasionally finger sandwiches. Responsibility for the editorial content of the newspaper lies solelywith the leprechauns, and any anger evoked by these pages should be directed toward diem. They can be found in the first-floor display cases. • ’ ' v". Other Policy The Daily Harassment demands fan mail to be sent to the editor immediately. Do not hoard your admiration to yourselves. Guest columns may be submitted only by our friends. Do not try to falsify your friendship with us. We have a list Come to think of it nobody send us letters, you crack babies. Ws won’t run ‘cm anyway. Blow. However, nude photographs are welcome. You may submit self-shot Polaroids or collages made from Pent house clippings. It doesn’t matter. We like all that smut Feel free to drop them by in person, so we can mock your gimpy body to your face. Go to hell. Drunken f ' - ; .<*?•■, JUNK » I HWWKStWr \ ; a?i6ormmei y \ HEfr to cutron,.. \ TflSr Ke. J 1 1 limui 7 fl THE WD5 ^ VJILLW k T> Ewe So BaaaaaadL As a member of the pioneering species in the cloning debate, I intend to speak for all of sheepkind when I say what willy-nillies you humans are. It is with sheer confidence that I disclose our bustling excitement for this new technology. While the walking primates of planet Earth quarrel amongst themselves (cloning humans is baaaad — no, it’s gooood), we are honing our cloning ability and creating the first race of perfect sheep. Be forewarned, as the constella tion Aries hooves its glorious path across the spring sky, you will see a reign of blood and bovid terror as our liberated species vindicates the past 10,000 years of servitude. People of Earth, you will know what it is like to be shorn! “Operation Bo Peep Has Lost Her Sheep” is now under way. Robert Dingleberry Head of The Aries Liberation Front senior bestiality biology "DungHeaps of Praise Your opinion columns this semester give new meaning to the phrase “this sucks, uh-huh-huh huh.” To call your kindergarten-style writings “crap” would be an insult to fine heaps of cow dung around the world. Is it too much to ask for one coherent thought or (me joke that’s even slightly amusing? Apparently so... I write columns at home all the time and my mom and Aunt Freeda More bitchin’ always enjoy them a great deal. Why can’t you follow suit? P.S. Don’t write any more bad columns this semester. You have been warned. Frederick Gill (a REAL journalist with a high I.Q.) Wankerville War Buddies Reunited? I’m just wondering if that Jimbeam Messy drink guy that does cartoons for the Daily Harassment is the same Jimbeam Messydrink that served in my battalion in World War I. If you are that man, then what the hell are you still doing in college? 1st Lt Maxwell P. Bloodsworth U.S. Army third battalion Sheepless in I.wkin As the only member of the sheep species to attend this university full time, (several of my lamb brethren are part-time students) I am appalled by the lack of sheep-related issues discussed on these pages. I demand my voice be heard — (Editor’s note: The rest of this letter is unintelli gible). Robert Dingleberry Head of The Aries Liberation Front senior bestiality biology Where’s the Beef? I am an athlete here at NUL who is both confused and a bit torqued off at the lack of coverage my team received this season. Myself and the other members of the Co-ed Naked Weightlifting team worked very hard for our third consecutive national title, and you think we would be able to get a little press. .... But nooooooooo! We’re out there working our buns off, showing what we’ve got, strutting our stuff, and what do we get in return? Not one picture of team captain Jim Booty winning the clean and jerk event with the bar raised high above his head. Not one story about the team receiving our gold medals, buttocks clenched in a victory pose, not (me. I guess you just don’t give squat about sports unless the athletes happened to be clothed. This is a sad commentary on our school newspa per. Dick N. Plainview ASS-istant team captain Co-ed naked weightlifting squad Cellulite Conglomerate What’s with all the fat columnists this semester? (For example: Stinky Walleye, Palooka MacDoofus, Bent Pipe, did I mention Stinky Walleye?) Is there no one on campus that can both write columns AND not be grossly obese? Please hire some skinny columnists as soon as possible. I can’t keep my Cheerios down in the morning. Yuri Ethra senior nutritional studies ) ■