Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 24, 1987)
Daily Halfaskan Friday, April 24, 1937 By the Associated Piss Page 2 u G-eFMalism Tproffessors seise Daily HaHfaskan juiiee, No injuries in peaceful takeover spurred by 'newzpaper's unprofessionalism' From staff and wire reports In a long anticipated and not so surprising move, about 11 NUL College Germalism profes sors peacefully took over the Daily Halfaskan offices yesterday in protest of the campus newz paper's reputed unprofessionalism. There were no injuries. 'We is the last bastions of word purity. We is deter mined to make this a respectable newzpaper.' The semi-literate and confused gypsy-like band of professors, some armed with pica poles and proportion wheels and others with faulty camera equipment and dead batteries said they were tired of the "Rag's" shoddy and feeble attempts to inform the public in an objective and accurate manner. "We is the last bastions of work purity," said one Gambit semi-unprofessional lecturer in hib ernation and spokesman for the group. "If anyone is going to run a newzpaper, it Asleep att tSae Sorority girls drive to By Bill Dozer Guam Correspondent for the AP Editor's Note: This is the first and last of a one part series examining the issues surrounding sorority girls who drive to class. Future series may include: Campus reaction; physical debil itation, such as ingrown toenails from over braking; messy gum on the floorboards and flammable materials in sorority girls hair. Just when you thought it was over the nightmare began all over again. Spawned by warm weather and color blind fashionsrthey came out of nowhere, and are going nowhere, except perhaps into the minds of those too lazy to notice. Of course the horror I'm talking about is sorority girls who drive to class. There have been a rash of reports around the country lately, but the issue as far as officials can determine, originated at the University of Nebraska in Lincoln. Things were kept quiet for a while but then all hell broke loose, according to one university official who refused to identify his daughter. The accounts that follow are gruesome. Please be ready to contain any children or small relatives that may see this . . . "Yep, I saw one, and I think my bowels started to hurt me about then," said a man who calls himself a neat guy. "I was sitting on the corner of 16th and R streets, trying to smell my own feet, when I saw her. She came out of the Pie-Pie house and hopped into a Mazda RX-7. Naturall, I chased her around the block to the Memorial Stadium parking lot, where I saw her sit and wait for about 20 minutes for a spot." Horrible, you bet it is. But that's not all. These same sorority girls are thinking about unioning and REALLY doing something with their lives. Damnit. I didn't think ---- should be done by a group of nonprofessional peckerwoods like ourselves and not a bunch of college students who make a habit of skipping our classes." Another professor at the NUL College of Ger malism, which is located in Slavery Hall, said quizedly while tugging at his bowtie, "I remember in 1939 when the first nylon pantyhose came out in Wilmington, Virginia." Another professor, who was wearing a 'Go Big Red' sweater and eating a fresh two-week old sandwich, said nothing in defense of his actions other than 'I'm a neat guy' and then his glasses fell off his face and he walked into a wall. Other NUL College of Germalism professors involved in the takeover of the Daily Halfaskan ofices, which are located in a brown paper bag in the middle of the Nebraska Union's septic tank, included: a self-proclaimed computer wizard from the Germalism gadget department; a shooter and former graphics editor for the National Inquirer and a former Coloradoan who reputedly idolizes the Marlboro man. Early reports also indicated that several members of the NUL College of Germalsm's broadcast department were involved in the takeover. Sources say at least five broadcast professors took part, and although the reports could not be conlirmed or denied, it was believed that the group was holed up in the Daily Halfaskan's wire room and afraid of the local electronic media covering the event. 'If anyone is going to run a newzpaper, it should be done by a group of non professional pecker woods like ourselves. . .' Speaking on the condition of anonimity, each of the College of Germalism deans said they knew nothing of the takeover and that none of those involved would be paid overtime for their efforts. Several members of the group wore aerobic leotards, sang and quoted journalist Anne Sex ton in unison: "To fly like an eagle with the wings of a wren ..." o o o wheel class, experts say llf! BtammmmMULA. --rn. 1 walking brain donors could think for themselves. "Yep, I heard them talking, and all I could do is tilt my head funny, you know, like they do when they try to use their brains. They tilt their heads like a dog does when it hears a weird sound . . . like they do when they hear their own names," said Frederick O'Padre, who gave his name out of sheer stupidity. "They said something like, 'Hey muf, you know, I think we should unionize ourselves on our way to class. You know, like why should we not be getting paid a decent wage for being ignorant and driving to class?' 'Gee, I don't know,' said the other one, maybe we should . . .' "What they were saying was unreal," he said, "I think I've lost the will to live." The horror. The horror. It's simply unthinkable what could happen should the sorority girl who drives to class mentally spread herself any further. So please, for the sake of mankind and the Lord above, speak out the next time you are witness to such an action. After all, the life you save could be your own. Daily Halaskaii Jeffrey Lynn Korbeiik 472-6369 Eugene Dennis Gentrup Tammy Cow Linda Heartless' Hartman Sleaze Olsen James 'Get i haircut' Roners ????? ????? Moan Sleestsk Spuck Obscene Scott 'Homophobic' Harrih Flindrea Boy Guy Smiley Junni 'Gat i haircut Bourne Jerb Can A"i!iudar Chris t hubby' C:n i,u.;sal Kitty Cc?y Les!sy lets' Lirwm Lyln Lesdersun Smelly Purgss Harry Shorts. The Daily Halfaskan (SMU69-NU60) is pub lished whenever it damn well feels like it. If you have any story ideas or comments you wish to submit, please keep them to yourself. We don't want to hear them!! Postmaster: Take your address and changes and shove 'em. If however, you have any valuable items taken from the mail, send them to: The Halfaskan. somewhere, light years to the left of liberal, Moscow, Russia, 1234-0C3 ALL KATESJU. CCflH IT TK 1C,7 DAILT KAUA3XAI fciy Ui first It wuk Editor Managing Editor Assoc. News Editors Editorial Page Editor Wire Editor Copy Desk Chief Sports Editor Arts & Entertain ment Editor Photo Chief Night News Editors Night News Assistant Art Director Diversions Editor General Manager Production Manager Advertising Manager Student Advertising Manager Creative Director Publications Board Chairman Correcktions We regret to inform you that the corrections we ran in yesterday's correction column is wrong . . . again. In the April 23 Daily Halfaskan we reported that every Daily Halfaskan story has at least three factual errors. We corrected that statement yesterday when it was brought to our attention that two stories in that edition had only two mistakes. After close scrutiny, we found that there were indeed three mistakes in each of these controversial stories and not two as the original correction corrected. We stand corrected. The Daily Halfaskan correction in Sunday's paper incorrectly corrected an article that we had been asked to correct before. It had been corrected before. The Daily Halfaskan Sunday incorrectly reported in a profile about Chancellor Martin Massengale that his dog's name is Herpes. It's name is Fluffy. The Daily Halfaskan regrets the error. The Daily Halfaskan incorrectly reported last Sunday that the baseball game mentioned in Thursday's Daily Halfaskan was scheduled for Wed nesday. The game was actually scheduled to be held Friday, but was rained out The Daily Halfaskan regrets the error. In the J anuary 3 Daily Halfaskan we reported incorrectly misquoted a local dead man as saying "It's just pure impuricism and by virtue of its method it excludes metaphysics." The quote should have read: "I am woman, hear me roar." The Daily Halfaskan regrets the error. The Daily Halfaskan reported Sunday that 17 UNL students were killed in a three-car accident at the intersection of 16th and Vine streets. We were wrong. There was no one killed and there was no accident. The Daily Halfaskan regrets the error. The Sunday Daily Halfaskan incorrectly quoted Athletic Director "The Bobfather" as saying that the student recreation centerindoor practice field would not be built. What he actually said was that the building would be constructed along with a new football dormitory. We regret the error. In Breef (Compiled from the Daily Halfaskan's wire machine in the basement of the Nebraska Union) ANUS candidates protest Sputter's election LINCOLN Former ANUS Residential candidate Smedley Tazz and Biff Lidnod filed a formal protest recently with the ANUS Filopean committee because of what they called unfair competition from last year's winning candidate Chris Sputter. "I heard this man with a paper bag on his head, a yellow belt around his waist and a pair of jam shorts with shit on them, ya know ... the kind of clothes the S.A.E. frat rats wear, who said Sputter was not wearing any underwear the day of the election," the two idiots said. "I call that unfair with a capital 'S'." Tazz and Lidnod. would not say why specifically why going without underwear would give Sputter an unfair advantage. "It's like running for office without a tie. The people can realte to you," said the two, who dumpster for a hobby. "There's no law against it," they said. Oliver Twiddledee, who was standing nearby at the time of the inter view yesterday, said he knew nothing about what was happening and denied wearing underwear himself. Reagan: Bonzo to stand in at press conference President Reagan declared today "Be Kind to Liberals Day." Reagan's schedule for the day will include talking to groups from the NAACP, ACLU Greenpeace, the Rainbow Coalition and NOW for the first time in his life. Also for a day, Reagan said he will pretendto support the Equal Rights Amendment, pretend he supports Jesse Jackson for president and pretend to remove Chief Justice William Rehnquist from the Supreme Court. Said Reagan, "After all, I was an actor once, although I never attempted a role this challenging. I might have to get Bonzo to stand in for me at the press conference I'm bound to crack up." Judge splits Baby 'M' in two A district court judge, in a controversial decision, ordered that Baby "M" be split in two equal halves today and awarded joint custody to both of her parents. Said the judge, in his opinion: "I'm tired of all this controversy. Both' sides have been such pigs about the whole thing that they deserve this. The poor kid would never be able to have a normal life. And with this precedent, nobody's go'ng to mess around with a case like this again." One half of the baby will be known as Louise and the other half will be called Melissa. Both parents and surrogate mother Elizabeth Whitehead were dis pleased by the decision. "We're never going to be able to agree on who will pay the burial costs," Whitehead said, with tears in her eyes. "I'll never give up the fight for my baby's body." Amy Carter goes to class Amy Carter, Brown University students and former first brat of the United States, was not arrested today to the surprise of her family, friends and fellow rabblerousers, including 1980s radical Abbie Hoffoian. Carter attended two classes Friday, "Protesting 101" and the "Politics of Apartheid." Although her instructors didn't recognize her, Carter said she felt positive about the move to occupy classrooms during her regular class times. Orr says journalists 'all wet' Gov. Kay Orr shocked a group of journalists from across the state today when she drew a water pistol at a press conference and doused the crowd with liberal doses of H20. said urr, "Now you're all wet." Several journalists in the crowd were visably shaken by Orrs display. Afterward, many editors debated for hours about whether or not they should use the footage.