Daily Halfaskan
Friday, April 24, 1937
By the Associated Piss
Page 2
u
G-eFMalism Tproffessors seise Daily HaHfaskan juiiee,
No injuries in peaceful takeover spurred by 'newzpaper's unprofessionalism'
From staff and wire reports
In a long anticipated and not so surprising
move, about 11 NUL College Germalism profes
sors peacefully took over the Daily Halfaskan
offices yesterday in protest of the campus newz
paper's reputed unprofessionalism. There were
no injuries.
'We is the last bastions of
word purity. We is deter
mined to make this a
respectable newzpaper.'
The semi-literate and confused gypsy-like
band of professors, some armed with pica poles
and proportion wheels and others with faulty
camera equipment and dead batteries said they
were tired of the "Rag's" shoddy and feeble
attempts to inform the public in an objective and
accurate manner.
"We is the last bastions of work purity," said
one Gambit semi-unprofessional lecturer in hib
ernation and spokesman for the group.
"If anyone is going to run a newzpaper, it
Asleep att tSae
Sorority girls drive to
By Bill Dozer
Guam Correspondent for the AP
Editor's Note: This is the first and last of a one
part series examining the issues surrounding
sorority girls who drive to class. Future series
may include: Campus reaction; physical debil
itation, such as ingrown toenails from over
braking; messy gum on the floorboards and
flammable materials in sorority girls hair.
Just when you thought it was over the nightmare began
all over again. Spawned by warm weather and color blind
fashionsrthey came out of nowhere, and are going nowhere,
except perhaps into the minds of those too lazy to notice.
Of course the horror I'm talking about is sorority girls
who drive to class.
There have been a rash of reports around the country
lately, but the issue as far as officials can determine,
originated at the University of Nebraska in Lincoln. Things
were kept quiet for a while but then all hell broke loose,
according to one university official who refused to identify
his daughter. The accounts that follow are gruesome. Please
be ready to contain any children or small relatives that may
see this . . .
"Yep, I saw one, and I think my bowels started to hurt me
about then," said a man who calls himself a neat guy.
"I was sitting on the corner of 16th and R streets, trying
to smell my own feet, when I saw her. She came out of the
Pie-Pie house and hopped into a Mazda RX-7. Naturall, I
chased her around the block to the Memorial Stadium
parking lot, where I saw her sit and wait for about 20
minutes for a spot."
Horrible, you bet it is. But that's not all. These same
sorority girls are thinking about unioning and REALLY
doing something with their lives. Damnit. I didn't think
----
should be done by a group of nonprofessional
peckerwoods like ourselves and not a bunch of
college students who make a habit of skipping
our classes."
Another professor at the NUL College of Ger
malism, which is located in Slavery Hall, said
quizedly while tugging at his bowtie, "I remember
in 1939 when the first nylon pantyhose came out
in Wilmington, Virginia."
Another professor, who was wearing a 'Go Big
Red' sweater and eating a fresh two-week old
sandwich, said nothing in defense of his actions
other than 'I'm a neat guy' and then his glasses
fell off his face and he walked into a wall.
Other NUL College of Germalism professors
involved in the takeover of the Daily Halfaskan
ofices, which are located in a brown paper bag in
the middle of the Nebraska Union's septic tank,
included: a self-proclaimed computer wizard
from the Germalism gadget department; a shooter
and former graphics editor for the National
Inquirer and a former Coloradoan who reputedly
idolizes the Marlboro man.
Early reports also indicated that several
members of the NUL College of Germalsm's
broadcast department were involved in the
takeover. Sources say at least five broadcast
professors took part, and although the reports
could not be conlirmed or denied, it was
believed that the group was holed up in the Daily
Halfaskan's wire room and afraid of the local
electronic media covering the event.
'If anyone is going to run
a newzpaper, it should be
done by a group of non
professional pecker
woods like ourselves. . .'
Speaking on the condition of anonimity, each
of the College of Germalism deans said they
knew nothing of the takeover and that none of
those involved would be paid overtime for their
efforts.
Several members of the group wore aerobic
leotards, sang and quoted journalist Anne Sex
ton in unison: "To fly like an eagle with the wings
of a wren ..."
o o o
wheel
class, experts say
llf!
BtammmmMULA. --rn. 1
walking brain donors could think for themselves.
"Yep, I heard them talking, and all I could do is tilt my
head funny, you know, like they do when they try to use their
brains. They tilt their heads like a dog does when it hears a
weird sound . . . like they do when they hear their own
names," said Frederick O'Padre, who gave his name out of
sheer stupidity.
"They said something like, 'Hey muf, you know, I think we
should unionize ourselves on our way to class. You know,
like why should we not be getting paid a decent wage for
being ignorant and driving to class?' 'Gee, I don't know,'
said the other one, maybe we should . . .'
"What they were saying was unreal," he said, "I think I've
lost the will to live."
The horror. The horror. It's simply unthinkable what
could happen should the sorority girl who drives to class
mentally spread herself any further. So please, for the sake
of mankind and the Lord above, speak out the next time you
are witness to such an action. After all, the life you save
could be your own.
Daily
Halaskaii
Jeffrey Lynn Korbeiik
472-6369
Eugene Dennis Gentrup
Tammy Cow
Linda Heartless'
Hartman
Sleaze Olsen
James 'Get i haircut'
Roners
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Moan Sleestsk
Spuck Obscene
Scott 'Homophobic'
Harrih
Flindrea Boy
Guy Smiley
Junni 'Gat i haircut
Bourne
Jerb
Can A"i!iudar
Chris t hubby'
C:n i,u.;sal
Kitty Cc?y
Les!sy lets' Lirwm
Lyln Lesdersun
Smelly Purgss
Harry Shorts.
The Daily Halfaskan (SMU69-NU60) is pub
lished whenever it damn well feels like it.
If you have any story ideas or comments
you wish to submit, please keep them to
yourself. We don't want to hear them!!
Postmaster: Take your address and changes
and shove 'em. If however, you have any
valuable items taken from the mail, send
them to: The Halfaskan. somewhere, light
years to the left of liberal, Moscow, Russia,
1234-0C3
ALL KATESJU. CCflH IT TK 1C,7 DAILT KAUA3XAI
fciy Ui first It wuk
Editor
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Correcktions
We regret to inform you that the corrections we ran in yesterday's
correction column is wrong . . . again.
In the April 23 Daily Halfaskan we reported that every Daily Halfaskan
story has at least three factual errors. We corrected that statement
yesterday when it was brought to our attention that two stories in that
edition had only two mistakes. After close scrutiny, we found that there
were indeed three mistakes in each of these controversial stories and not
two as the original correction corrected. We stand corrected.
The Daily Halfaskan correction in Sunday's paper incorrectly corrected
an article that we had been asked to correct before. It had been corrected
before.
The Daily Halfaskan Sunday incorrectly reported in a profile about
Chancellor Martin Massengale that his dog's name is Herpes. It's name is
Fluffy. The Daily Halfaskan regrets the error.
The Daily Halfaskan incorrectly reported last Sunday that the baseball
game mentioned in Thursday's Daily Halfaskan was scheduled for Wed
nesday. The game was actually scheduled to be held Friday, but was
rained out The Daily Halfaskan regrets the error.
In the J anuary 3 Daily Halfaskan we reported incorrectly misquoted a
local dead man as saying "It's just pure impuricism and by virtue of its
method it excludes metaphysics." The quote should have read: "I am
woman, hear me roar." The Daily Halfaskan regrets the error.
The Daily Halfaskan reported Sunday that 17 UNL students were killed
in a three-car accident at the intersection of 16th and Vine streets. We
were wrong. There was no one killed and there was no accident. The Daily
Halfaskan regrets the error.
The Sunday Daily Halfaskan incorrectly quoted Athletic Director "The
Bobfather" as saying that the student recreation centerindoor practice
field would not be built. What he actually said was that the building would
be constructed along with a new football dormitory. We regret the error.
In Breef
(Compiled from the Daily Halfaskan's wire machine in the
basement of the Nebraska Union)
ANUS candidates protest Sputter's election
LINCOLN Former ANUS Residential candidate Smedley Tazz and
Biff Lidnod filed a formal protest recently with the ANUS Filopean
committee because of what they called unfair competition from last year's
winning candidate Chris Sputter.
"I heard this man with a paper bag on his head, a yellow belt around his
waist and a pair of jam shorts with shit on them, ya know ... the kind of
clothes the S.A.E. frat rats wear, who said Sputter was not wearing any
underwear the day of the election," the two idiots said. "I call that unfair
with a capital 'S'."
Tazz and Lidnod. would not say why specifically why going without
underwear would give Sputter an unfair advantage.
"It's like running for office without a tie. The people can realte to you,"
said the two, who dumpster for a hobby. "There's no law against it," they
said.
Oliver Twiddledee, who was standing nearby at the time of the inter
view yesterday, said he knew nothing about what was happening and
denied wearing underwear himself.
Reagan: Bonzo to stand in at press conference
President Reagan declared today "Be Kind to Liberals Day." Reagan's
schedule for the day will include talking to groups from the NAACP, ACLU
Greenpeace, the Rainbow Coalition and NOW for the first time in his life.
Also for a day, Reagan said he will pretendto support the Equal Rights
Amendment, pretend he supports Jesse Jackson for president and
pretend to remove Chief Justice William Rehnquist from the Supreme
Court.
Said Reagan, "After all, I was an actor once, although I never attempted
a role this challenging. I might have to get Bonzo to stand in for me at the
press conference I'm bound to crack up."
Judge splits Baby 'M' in two
A district court judge, in a controversial decision, ordered that Baby
"M" be split in two equal halves today and awarded joint custody to both
of her parents.
Said the judge, in his opinion: "I'm tired of all this controversy. Both' sides
have been such pigs about the whole thing that they deserve this. The poor
kid would never be able to have a normal life. And with this precedent,
nobody's go'ng to mess around with a case like this again."
One half of the baby will be known as Louise and the other half will be
called Melissa.
Both parents and surrogate mother Elizabeth Whitehead were dis
pleased by the decision.
"We're never going to be able to agree on who will pay the burial costs,"
Whitehead said, with tears in her eyes. "I'll never give up the fight for my
baby's body."
Amy Carter goes to class
Amy Carter, Brown University students and former first brat of the
United States, was not arrested today to the surprise of her family, friends
and fellow rabblerousers, including 1980s radical Abbie Hoffoian.
Carter attended two classes Friday, "Protesting 101" and the "Politics
of Apartheid." Although her instructors didn't recognize her, Carter said
she felt positive about the move to occupy classrooms during her regular
class times.
Orr says journalists 'all wet'
Gov. Kay Orr shocked a group of journalists from across the state today
when she drew a water pistol at a press conference and doused the crowd
with liberal doses of H20.
said urr, "Now you're all wet."
Several journalists in the crowd were visably shaken by Orrs display.
Afterward, many editors debated for hours about whether or not they
should use the footage.
