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About The McCook tribune. (McCook, Neb.) 1886-1936 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 5, 1888)
f > Throuph all tho silent roetnu , from fur away , 5 The llsht cHinw Holtly , sc Wm tor my love , % ' Through all tho silent roomn day after duy f .And goo * up horrowing to its homo ahove. * * * WitiKnd ! dumb look , with upoechlesH nuctj- uomng. St tdopu ho Hoftly through tlio open doors , Where nil day Jon ; ; tho mnploahadownswing , , Alike an BpechlesH , o'er th vacant II0017 * . I wonder much that through the whole round year. Fntient aud sad , but hopeful an before , It still cornea Hooking that which is not hero , . The dear bright lace which we fihnll hco no snore. ' I-wondermuch thoHimlightdoth not know Or may not guess tho mute and wondering t lightr- That * ho hath gone now whore thclilioi * blow , Uy living wateru , far beyond tho Night. * 0 sunlight , go up highoil In tho blue "With harp and cronnu and white roben clone by Him. Thy master thou wilt mi rely find a new And glad young angel with tho cherubim. IHerftwoet face still the flame wo loved , but , bright 4 "With glorieH which we saw not ; and her brow 1 -Crowned with tho light which Jesus givea a light Burning and radiant and immortal now. WHY I HATE A BLAZER. A man spends a year of his life get ting ready for a wife , and after the courting and ceremony are over he finds that even those first few days are not the drenm of bliss that lie anticipated. His blushing bride brushes her teeth and looks absurd I with her mouth full of foam , and has I no hesitancy in letting him see that I a few of her curliest locks grew on I somebody else's head. Ho resigns I ihimselfto the enevitable , and after I he gives up expecting unalloyed bliss I lie settk-s down rather happily alter I I had arrived at that state. I had I keen head over ears in love with Ju- I lia , and had worked like a beaver to I make a home for her that would not I let her be to homesick for the luxu- ries of the paternal mansion. She I was not my first love by any means. I I had always a sweetheart or two I since I could remember , and had I been engaged once or twice , but I I never had been an abject slave of the I Mnd god until I met Julia. I Yet now , as I set out in my vine- I -shaded veranda aud blew my cigar I -smoke toward its pale green painted I -ceiling , I wasglad that Julia and the I -children were enjoying themselves at I Seabright , and that I could have a I taste of bachelor quiet and freedom I Tor a couple of months longer. I I didn't care to go anywhere , but II when I saw my old friend , Dr. Marsh , coming up tho walk I was very glad I to see him , and drew up another I comfortable chair and rang the boll I for John to bring out a box of cigars and to put some bottled beer on the Hi ice. George Marsh and I had been If * J > oys togetlrer. * . He sat down rather heavily. The H ; \ dignity that he had assumed very I ; -early on account of his profession j - seemed to have got into his joints I and burdened his limbs. Still there H' 'were only faint touches of it here and Hi "there in his conversation usually , but 1 -to-night he seemed almost lugubrious , H and if it had been anybody else but B George Marsh I should have said I that he was embarrassed. Presently H .he said he had a piece of newb fer me. HI My aunt , Mrs. Saltor , was back at the Beeches. H It seemed a little odd that I should H first hear of a relatives return from H her physician , but considering all H things it was not. H "Your cousin , Miss Nelly , is with H ner , " George went on , looking intent- H ly at his cigar , which he lu'ld in his H Angers H "And is she as pretty as ever ? " I H asked idly. "I must go over and see them. " H "You were engaged to Miss Nelly H -at one time , were you not , Dick ? " H vGeorge said : H "Yes , I believel was , "Isaidlaugh- H ing. "But that was ten years ago. H Little Nell was only 16 years then. H It was long before she began to read H Herbeit Spencer and Schopenhauer H and to write magazine articles. As H eoon as her mind begun to bud she B dropped me. " H "She has been terribly ill , " Marsh H aid , and to tell you the truth , Dick ; H that is why I came to see you this H -evening. She has been studying too H lard , and it resulted in a sort o H "brain fever , which has temporarily H -destroyed her momory of the time H gince she began studying. She has H thrown off the overload , and in mind H .she is the little Nelly of 10 years H go. " I sat staring at him in horrified -amazement. Nell Saltor , the pride H -of the family , insane ! H "It is of course only a temporary I thing , " Dr. Marsh said , hastily , "ana I aiobody must know of it , but she re- -quires the most delicate treatment. H TThat is why Mr. Salter has brought H her down to her country home. Miss H Ifclly imagines they have never left H it , and the physicians want gradual- H iy to lead her mind onward just as nat- H tire did in the first place. Of course H there will come a point where she will H recognize the fact that she has H been over the path before , and then H her memory will return and she will H be cured. " H "That is a very clever idea , " I H "We think it the natural treat- H m nt. And I came this evening to I a.k you to help us. I knew your wife I would be away Tor some time yet. B and except for your daily visit to the B factory you had considerable time on B your hands. " B "Yes , indeed , " I said , eagerly , "you B may rely upon me to do anything in B anypower. " H Dr. Marsh pulled at his cigar for a B few minutes and then he said again : I "You were engaged to her about then. " I I felt startled. I "She thinks you are still. Bemem- I "her , these ten years are a blank. I Her mother tells me that she is fret- ting and pining because you have I not been to see her. " "But " I "Of course , I understand your feel- I ing , " Marsh broke in. "but after all he is your cousin that you were I. brought up with , and it is only a m temporary thing , and if you could I Suimor her for a little while I [ "Humor herl Do you think she ! she would seo the Dick Edgar of ten years ago in mo ? " I asked nlinobt angrily. Mnrflh looked at mo critically. "Well , I don't know , " ho said. "It i your beard that changes you and tho way you brush your hair and your clothes. If you could change all Unit- " A momentary picture of myself of ton years ago came up before me. And I think Marsh saw it too , for we both laughed. There is no use in going over the rest of our talk. Sullice to say , that before the iced beer was gone I had promised for the sake of humanity aud tho love I boro my sweet aunt and nfliicted cousin to do my best to turn back the wheels of time for ton years and go out to the Beeches the next da3' as tho rather dudish young lover of my pretty cousin. After I went up stairs I stood at the mirror in my dressing-case a long time. AVas it true that Dick Edgar often 3'ears ago was only hidden un der a suciperlial layer of hair and dress ? I took up the comb and drew a part down the center of my head. It was becoming. I had only given up wearing my hair like that on .Julia's account. She thought it fop pish. Her little basket stood on a table near with the scissorj gleaming temptingly. I had promised , and it had to 1)0 done ; but I didn 't half mind seeing my cherished whiskers drop. I felt oddly , as though I were getting rid of some sort of a disguise , and in the course of a half hour I stood beforo tho mirror with smooth , plump cheeks and a little upward curved mustache. I undressed and got into bed with the nimbleness of 25 and forgot to wish for Julia at all. The next morning I spent an houi in combing my mustache down and parting my hair very much on the side before I could muster courage to go down to breakfast and face the servants. "I hardly knowed ye , sir , " old John said , with the lamiliarity of long ser vice. "It is cooler so , " I said. "And , by the way , John , take this telegram down and have it sent off at once. " It was to the tailor who had ar- raj-ed me in the gorgeousness of my youth , and whom I had cut for economic reasons since 1 had been a benedict. I told him to send down on the noon train anything in the way of collars , hats , ties or coats that was new and suitable for summer wear in the country. And then I went off for my usual morning at the factory. The box was waiting for me at 1 o'clock when I came home , and I told old John to have the dog cart ready at 2. At half-past 2 I drove out at the gate , and old Mr. Morehouse , who had tho opposite place , looked up and gave me a sort of gasp as I lifted my hat to him. I had on a pink and white striped shirt , a high collar and big white tie , a yellow and white blazer and a sailor hat with a polkadotted band. Iknew people would talk , but it was no body's business how I chose to dress , so far as I could see. As I drove into the handsome beech avenue that gave its name to the old house where my aunt and cousin lived it seemed al most as though I had suffered a loss of memory as well as poor Nelly. My heart had quite a youthful throb. My aunt had none of Mr. Morehouse's astonishment. See had not seen me since my marriage , and she had been living among people to whom blazes of gaudy hues were as the sands of the sea. Her eyes were tired with weeping over her cherished child , but she brightened with hope at tho thought of my helping her to lead Nelly into the light again. "While we were talking of her she came in , and then I always thought it was the rest of us who were bewil dered. Surely ten years had not gone over her head. She had on a short white frock , with elbow sleeves and a scarlet sash. Her yellow hair was in a big golden cable down her back and waving in a fringe across her pretty white forehead. There was the same seashell color in her cheeks , the same roguish look in her eyes that was there before she began tb think with Herbert Spencer and get a shadow in their blue depths by looking on the dark side with Schopenhauer. "When she saw me , she gave a little cry , and flew straight into my arms. "You naughty boy , " said she. "I don't think I ought to speak to you. "Where have you been these two days ? " And as I kissed her sweet firm lips , I said in my soul , "She is my cousin after all. " Presently she looked me over. "Dick , " she said anxiously , "you have been working to . hard. There are wrinkles all around your eyes. " "You know I have the factory now , " I said faintly. "You ! " and she fairly screamed. "You ! TVhatinthis world do you know about a factory ? " Alas ! I couldn't tell her of those weary years ofworkingformy present position. My aunt made signs to me over my cousin's head , and I changed the subject. I don't attempt to explain it , but by the end of a Aveek all sense of the strangeness of my position had van ished. I went to the factory in my blazer , and I am afraid that some times I transacted my business very much as though I were the inexpe rienced boy of 25 that I looked. But the Beeches was a large estate and 1113' aunt and cousin rarely left it during their visits to tho place. So there was little chance for gossip connecting me with my cousin in any unpleasant way. The only times when I was bound | to grow old was when I wrote to Ju- j lia , and before a week was over , and Lwas in the full swim of mynewly ac quired youth , an accident happened that put me out of that. I sprained my right thumb and could not hold a pen. I telegraphed and told her and added that I would telegraph every other dav , which I religiously did. Or rather Mr. Smith , my bookkeeper , did it for me. Nelly and I wandered about through the old groves , finding here and there truelovers ' knots that we had cut in the smooth back of the beeches long ago. "We used to carry a little basket " that held our lunch and a volume of poems or a new novel. Thcro were a great many clover j littlo novels that Nellie had not read. Of course wo had to keep magazines and everything with a date otitof her way. Ono day in going over tho library shelves I came across an old book that gavo mo tho shivers. It was Mullock's "Is Life Worth Liv ing ? " It was that that had first started Nellie on tho path that had led her away from mo long ago. In stinctively I hid it behind a row of encyclopedias. And then I know that I was playing tho part of a trai tor. I had been excusing myself from my perilously pleasantposition by tho assurance that I was tho only person who could lead Nellie into her true life. And when I saw the door open beforo her I ran to close it. I took tho book out again and took it with me when we wont on our morning ramble. When she saw it I trembled. But instead of picking it up as I expected her to , she looked at it scornfully and flung it down. "Dick , " she said , poutingly , "you aro too tiresome ! What do you sup pose I want with stuff like that ? " There was agreat guilt of throb of joy in my heart. " I It has a red cover , " I said , lamely ; "I thought it was a story. " Just then she saw the corner of an envelope sticking out of my pocket- It was Julia's last letter that I had received that morning , and had not even opened. She gave it a littlo ierkand pulled it out. Julia writes the Eastlakey ultra feminine hand of ten years ago. And the thick letter lay proclaiming itself from a lady. Nelly looked at it and then sho looked at me , and there was the sar casm of inexperience in her eye and voice. "You have no sisters , I be lieve she said icily. "This " I said in my quietest tone "is from the wife of a friend of mine. A lady 30 years old and the mother of two children. She writes to me sometimes and gives me good advice and tells me little anecdotes about the children. I will read you some of it if you like. " Bless her heart ! She turned and kissed me on the cheek and said pity ingly : "Poor boy ! How you do let your good nature make a martyr of you. Don't you find them awful bores ? " "Yes , " I said candidly. 'Whenthe advice is extra good I do. " "And do you answer them ? " "Well , " I said , "this is the tenth I havehadsincelansweredone. " Which was the truth. I don't call a tele gram that is sent by a book-keeper an answer to a letter. Going home across the fields we came to a ditch. "I don't seem to remember this ditch here , " Nelly said. "And how are we ever going to cross ? " "I'll jump it , " I said , "and lilt you over. " "Oh , but Dick , dearest , you can't , " she said. "I am too heavy. " "Heavy ! " said I. "Yes , you are. Why , my boy Johnny could jump this with you in his arms. " "Your boy Johnny ? Who aro you talking about ? You do say some of the funniest things ! " "Oh , " I saik , airly , "I mean the lit tle son of the lady whose letter I was showing you. He is a great pet ol mine. " We walked along silently for a lit tle while after th ditch was jumped and then Nelly said in a dreamy sort of a way : "Dick , sometimes you seem differ ent. You don't laugh as much as you used last Summer. " Dear heart ! Last summer was eleven years old ! "And brus you seem more que some way. I am afraid you are working too hard , dear Dick. And some way you seem fond of me in a different way. You don't" and the clear red of a sweet young girl's blush went all over her cheeks and brow "kiss me as often as you used and you act like you thought I was going away presently. " She finished the sentence with her head on my breast and I kissed her often enough to makeup for any lack that had gone before , and cursed my self in my heart for a black scoundrel , and doubly cursed Marsh , who had got me into this scrape. As I went home that night I made up my mind to end it one way or an other. She would have to he told sooner or latter that I was 35 years old. That I had been deceiving her , that I had a wife and two children. The sweat stood out on my face as I thought of it. Julia would be coming home in a few weeks , and I felt that T. would rather drown * myself than face poor Nelly with my wife , in her present state of mind. As I entered my own door John met met me. I was conscious that he looked with much disfavor upon my youthful ap pearance and dress and judged that my habitual absences were lor no good. He handed me a card on his tray and told me that the gentleman was in the library. The card read : "John William Abernathy , Andover. ' John William Abernathy I knew as a professor of mental philosophy at a noted seat of learning. I could not imagine what he could want with me. As I entered my pretty little library a tall , gaunt , grizzled gentleman in a long tailed coat rose to meet me. His forehead was bald and shiny , and his small eyes glimmered behind glasses. He evidently was surprised to find so youthful a host. Some of my in novations in the factory have been talked about , and may have even penetrated mental philosophy circles. He began at once to tell me his business. He wanted to ask after my cousin Nelly ( "Miss Helen , " he called her ) ; if she had sufficiently recovered to see her friends. Mrs. Saltor had written him severaUveeksbefore that her daughter's health was still in a very precarious state , and she could not be disturbed by letters or visits , but Professor Abernathy had heard in some way that she had been out , and before he attempted to seek her he would like to know her true state. And then he smiled a little and gave me to understand that "Miss Helen" I had given him the hope that she would eventually give her life , in sick ness or health , into his keeping. In the most polite manner I could muster Itold him that 1 thought he had beter wait until Mrs. Saltor signified her will * . 'm to allow her daughter. As yet she had eeen no one but her physician and myself. After promising to ask Mrs. Sal- tor's permission for the oldorly love to see her daughter I bowed tho pro fessor out , and ; sitting down in my hands and groaned aloud. And then I walked tho floor. In tho midst of my agony there was a ring at the door bull. I com posed my face as much as possible and sat down. My visitor was Mr. Smith , the bookkeeper at the factory ; and he had a telegram in his hand. It only needed that to make my position past endurance , it seemed to me , for the telegram was from my wife , and said : , rWill be at homo Tuesday at 6.30. " To-morrow was Tuesday. I did not spring up and clap my hands for joy.I . I wondered why Mr. Smith had thought it necessary to bring * the telegram instead of sending it by a messenger ; but presently I dib- tcovered. After numerous very embarrassed apologies , ho said that he thought it .his duty to warn me that there had been a great many remarks made Ly meddlesome people concerning my ( changed manner and appearance , and • some of the conservative old stock holders in the factory were becoming alarmed. "Althoughit seems apity , " • Mr. Smith said laughing shortly , j"that a man can't buy a new coat .without laying himself out to a charge of insanity. " 1 Good heavens ! had it come to this ! I must have looked like a fool. I got Mr. Smith out of the house , and I wentup stairs and took three times , as much brandy as was good for me , and went to bed. I felt that if I didn't : havesleepl would blow my brains out. ' It was 11 o'clock next day when I awoko. I told John to bring me in some .strong coffee and I sat miserably down. I sipped my coffee , and the clock was just on the stroke of 12 when John came in again bringing a note in his hand. I took it feeling that it made no difference what happened to me. Wasn't the end of the world coming at .6.30 P. M ? My head was whirling. [ It was a severe looking little note on .commercial paper , and this is what it [ said : 1 "I can not find words to express my sense of horror at the base advantage you a rela- 'tive , and a man who bears the name of gen- | tlemen have taken of a woman defenseless j through illness. To-day while walking I en countered Professor Abernathy , and atone jrush my memory returned , making mo hor- 'ror-struck at the ignominious position you • abetted by Dr , Marsh and my mother have ( striven to place me in. I only hope that your ipoor wifo may never know the circumstances. iShomust have enough to bear in her daily ; life. I can not long live with my mother and .shall marry Professor Abernathy at once. To him yon will be good enough to return my 'ring which you wear. Yours unforgivingly , Helen Jane Sai/tok " I dragged myself upstairs and took out my razors. I lighted a match and burned Helen's letter , and then I shaved off that frivolous little mus tache and left my face clean and bare. I bundled up all the new shirts and collars and hats and coats and told John he might have them on condi tion he took them out of the house and sold them at once , and then I parted my hair just over my right ear and put on my shabbiest old clothes and went to the factory. I had nearly as many stares as greeted me when I first appeared in my yellow and white blazer , but my looks encouraged no remarks. That night when Julia saw me she gave a little scream. "What have youdone to yourself ? " "Only shaved to strengthen my beard , " I said. "I thought it would grow before your return. " "I rather like it , " she said. The next morning at breakfast she took in my shabby gray suit , and said : "Dick , why don't you wear a blazer around here all the men at the shore " "Hang a blazer ! " was all I said. The Protest and the Reformation. There sometimes appears to be a woful confusion , in the minds of those who ought to know better , of the Protest with the Beformation. His torically the connection between the two does not by any means appear so very plain. In fact , for some years the Protestant Church of England was still completely unreformed. Henry VIII. wrote against and per secuted reformers ; yet Henry VIII. was undoubtedly the first Protestant monarch of England , the first who asserted , to its full logical conclu sion , tho independence of Papal au thority which had been claimed by English Icings as early as William tho Conqueror. According to the "Dictate" of Greg ory VII. , the famous Hildebrand , kings only reign as fiefs of the Pope he is set over the secular powers , and is liable to dethrone sovereigns and to absolve subjects from their allegiance ; he can depose bishops without synodical sanction. It is curious to notice , from a recent ser mon of Cardinal Manning , that this eminent ultramontane holds that such powers still divinely inhere in the bishopric of Borne , though tho stress of external persecution pre vents their exercise. Protestants , as such , merely repudiate these claims. The Beformation in England owed much of its success to the Protest , but it is not an identical , it wiss scarcely even a contemporary move ment. It was , humanly speaking , a distinctly intellectual reaction. It resulted immediately from the new light brought by the revival of let ters , particularly from the study of Greek , and the new means of interpre tation which a knowledge of the original tongue of the New Testa ment supplied. In the light and liberty of the Be- naissance men's minds , on a review of Christian antiquity , turned away from error and superstition just as naturally as a renewed acquaintance with the models of the Augustan age , and the sources of Greek speculation in Plato and Aristotle , caused think ers and scholars to repudiate monk ish Latin and monkish philosop hy , The Churchman. Some PocilinrUies : of Literary Women , Joseph W. Qavnn in the Joumnlist. It has been ofttimes said , and tho saying 1ms gonouiicontradictedthat the great majority of our literary women acquire that valuable acquisi tion , "talent , " at tho price of femi nine charm. Their pnssiveness on this particular point makes the story all the more worthy of credence. If these remarks are in tmy way ap plicable to tho great army of prose and fiction writers , they aro far more closely allied in their signification to the chosen few who invoke the muses' aid. Of these Now York city and state claim the largest number ; but of their idiosyncrasies it can also lay first claim with especial pride. Many of them are not unattractive , and not a few are gifted with rare person al charm. But it does not require a ] microscopical survey of their garb , j headgear and other articles of fomi- nino wardrobe to behold the utter lack of care bestowed on this branch of millinery. Can it be possible that they neglect all self-attention in the exuberance of their imagination , or that other causes ait ) not found wanting ? I know not of one literary woman throughout the length and breadth of this continent whose at tire and general make-up is not something more or less ludicrous or flaunting. This does not reflect on their originality and ingenuity. Take for instance , Mrs. Ella Wheeler AVil- cox. She is a fair representation of the class of which I write ; is pretty , courteous and charitable to a fault , and , though gifted with ) a great deal of social acumen and lore , still her manner and style of dress i& as un becoming as it is grotesque. Not that she is adverse to appearing to her best advantage in publicforsev - eral of her friends assure methat to attain this end is the all-absorbing ambition of her life. But it either arises in each instance from a unique and perhaps circumspect opinion , or the product of an abnormal brain , in turn the victum of genius , , the noblest of nature's laws for it has been asserted by eminent medical experts that productions from the pen of a female possessed of real genius are not and cannot be the outcome of a healthy brain. The homes of many of our literary women strongly point in favor of this assumption ; but when the question of prevailing style most in usage is consideied it will be found that our literary female friends are far below the average shop girl , and many beneath the plane of others in humbler spheres of life. A wonderful inconsistency , isn't it ? There's many a Slip Tiwxt the Cup ami the Lip. From American Notes and Queries. This proverb occurs in one form or other in the folk-sayings of most European countries , and dates back to classical antiquity. The Latin version , "Malta cadunt inter calicem supremaque labea , " "Many things fall between the cup and the lip' * is found in Laberius. and the Greek in Lycophron , who tells this story of its origin. Ancreus , son of Poseidon and Alta , was a King of the Leleges in Samos , who took especial pleasure in the cultivation of the grape , and prided himself upon his numerous vineyards. In his eagerness he unmercifully over taxed the slaves who worked there. A seer announced that for his cruelty he would not live to taste the wine from his grapes. The harvest passed ! safely , and then the wine-making , and AncflBus , holding in his hand.a cup containing the first ruby drops , mocked at the seer's prophesy. But the prophet replied "many things happen between the cup and the lip * ' Just then a cry was raised that a * wild boar had broken into the vine yard , and the king , setting down his untasted cup , hurried off to direct the chase , but was himself slain , by the boar. a acj' The Highest Mountains From the New York Sun. Every once in a while wediscover that some mountain peak must give up the undeserved distinction confer red upon it of holding its head high er than all other summits. For a long time Mount Cliimborazo was supposed to be the highest mountain in the world until in the progress of the Himalayan surveys Mount Ever est was found to overtop it. Four years ago W. W. Graham , who has been higher above-the sea than any other mountain climber , , asserted that Everest mtfst yield the palm of supremacy to anunnamed peak about 70 miles from it. We long supposed that Mount St. Elias was the loftiest mountain of North America , but we now know chat the honor belcnjrs to Mount Wrangel , which is about 500 feet higher than St. Elias. Itvas also supposed that Mount Kilima- Njaro , 18,700 feet high , was the greatest elevation in Africa , but now comes Count Teleki , the Hungarian traveller , with the assertion that this mountain must play second fiddle to Mount Kenia , about 200 miles north. He is the only man who has yet as cended Kenia. A Child's Terrible Aili cut ure. From tho Macomb (111. ( ) Journal. The youngest child of W. M. Tip ton , a bright little fellow of two sum mers , was out in the yard playinir , and when found by his mother shortly afterwards he was trying to put a live rattlesnake into a bottle. The little fellow was fondling it and would lay it down and pick it up again , the snake all the time being perfectly passive and making no effort whatever to bite. The moth er's horror can be better imagined than described when she took in the situation. Sho called her husband , who came , and when the snake was laid down he grabbed the child and killed bis snakeship. i t A MINISTER'S FUN. " ' ' ' II I I "During n twenty year's experience in tho work of tho ministry. I have met with tho most laughable scenes whero one would expect nothing but churchlike solemnitysaid a 'well known minister to a Kansas City Star reporter. "I have stooxl by tho sick and the dying nndhavescen incidents worthy of description by a humorist's pon. I have stood at the marriage altar where the very airbreathed solemnity , and have with difficulty kept down laughter over some ridiculous sceno or situation. A minister ' slife is full of rich and happy changes , and I pity the man who can pass through such a life an exemplification of a walking tombstone. Poor man ' , he never learned the secret of life ! I was fresh from theological seminar } ' , and had entered upon the duties of my first charge at a salary of $ o00 a year. Never shall I forget those days nor the novel way ono brother insisted upon paying his part of the minister ' s salary. Thi dear , good pillar of the church kept a small country grocery , and one day , while making my pastoral callr I stepped into the establishment of the brother to inquire after his- spiritual welfare. He motioned mo to where he was seated , and after finishing hfs pipe of the vilest tobacco- I ever smelled , began : " 'I aint mnch good anj'how , par son , , and don't deserve a very large share of the kingdom , but durn mo if I don't want to do the square thing by you , so 111 contribute § 10 ; to be paid in peanuts. ' "I took thefirst installment and1 retreated soon after , wondering all the time what some of my young ministerial brethern would say to- such a pastoral call "One night shortly after this I made-apastoral'call at the home of the young lady who afterwards be came my wife. While there an ignor ant , but good meaning , country fel low came to the door and asked for tho minister , saying he understood that personage was there. He was invited in and I was called to meet him. Af ter blushing profusely and making several ineffectual attempts to make known his errand , he managed to say in broken sentences , with tears , as it were , in his voice : 'I I want to I come to see you abo that fsr what will you charge to ma marr marry me ? ' "When informed that there was no regular charge , that any donation would be gladly received , he opened his heart to the extent of a cord of wood and the bargain was closed , , but what lwas to do with such a barter was mystery to me. "On another occasion at a social meeting I had become quite eloquent in prayer , and I'm afraid lenghty. I had prayed for the sick , the afflicted , the absent ones , the heathen at home and abroad and had importuned blessings upon everybody on the earth , sea or in heaven , and reached the 'now finally , Lord. ' when an un thinking brof her , whose heart was all right , called out , 'Amen ! amen ! ' so frequentlv and the situation seemed so ridiculous that I brought my pe tition to a most speedy close , even more speedy than I had intended , after the 'finally. ' • 'That was twenty-five years ago in a small New England village , and I've served better churches since then. At one of my city appointments I had an experience in a wedding ceremony that for an amusing situation sur passesanything I have ever seen. The groom wanted a ceremony with no break whatever , one of the smoothest of the smooth , , so he borrowed my ritual to 'pip up' on the questions and answers , but by mistake he got hold of the baptism covenant and committed the answers-to-it. The wedding day ar rived , so did the-nervous groom with his bride , and they walked up the church aisle keeping step to the grand old strains of Mendelssohn's wedding march. I had a premonition of trouble. The ceremony began. " 'John , will you have this woman to be your wedded wife , to live after ; God's holy ordinance , to love and cherish in sickness or in health ? " ' • 1 renounce them all , ' answered : John. ' " ' 'You're foolsaid I him ' a fool/ to nn- < der my breath. " 'All this I steadfastly believe/ came the answer and ditto a sound | ofsurppressedlaughterfromthe audi ence. There was a hurried conversa tion between John and me and I then repeated the question , likewise the answer to it and to all succeeding < ones. "At another wedding the contract ing parties were a young man. long and lank , about twenty and five , • and a fat buxom wi low about forty. ; The ceremony was performed at the • parsonage , and on the chair behind 1 the couple was seated a small dog , < ' all cur , as he proved , belonging to ' the woman. As I was about to place ' my hand on theirs already joined , < preparatory to pronouncing them ; man and wife , that doirwith a terrific • ' bark made a spring at me , and I was compelled , for the moment to retreat. "That reminds me of a similar though different experience in its finale. I put out my hand as usual , to pronounce this couple joined in holy wedlock when tho groom startled me by grasping my hand in a hearty manner , exclaiming as he nearly ' shook my arm off : "Put her thar , dominie , for sixty : days. Count on me every time. , What's the damage ? " • 'I thanked him for his good will and the ceremony was concluded , ' though it about killed me to suppress the laughter I knpw was upon me. ] ' • One day I was in my study when a German brother from the country came in and wanted me to visit his ' sick wife. " 'What is the matter with Katrina , ' Hans ? ' I inquired. " ' 0 , der is somedings the madder mit her livers and her mind is berang- ed , dat's vat I dink. ' " 'Well , Hans , you better get a physician , he can do more good than I/was the argument I used on him , but he wa¬ to be put off. " 'Mine shimminy grasliions , ain 't / you gate in cases of borMigerncnt ? ' " I have since thought I would mnko application fbrcheehnpluinryofsorno insane asylum , and no doubtmycon- gregation would heartily approve. "I had a choir down in Now Eng land that had so much of tho spirit of the mule in it that I doubt very ( much if its memlxTH ever enter I through the pearly gntes nd are . . transferred to the heavenly chorus. TheyweTekfckingalmo5 continuallyr and oncey when on a strike , I conclud ed to bear with them no longer. They were in their places all right on > this particular Sabbath morning , but they hadi informed me that thoy / would not sing a note until Brother J , ono of their number , w s reduc- < ed to tho pews. This I absolutely re fused to do and gave out as the open" ing hymn : Lc4 those refnse to-hfnpc I Who never knew otrr fioil. I But children ofthu heavenlv Kinj-r ' May Bpeak rheir joy * aliroail. | "They sang that hymn and I novcr ' was again troubled by their striking. The lesson proved effectual. "A somewhat similar incident hap pened to a brother minister with j whomlonceexchanged pulpits. In my j congregation was a delightful young 1 lady , the brother's intended wife , and' with her parents he stopped on the j Sabbath of tho exchange. Theyqung lady's name was Maiy , and all for getful of the fact tho * young ; brother ' gave out this hymn : \ 1 0 , that I could forever sit" With Mary at the Master's fecti Bo this my happy choi < < > ; My only caie delight and IiIihh. My joy , my heaven on earth be thin , To hear the IJrideKroom'H voice. ' "They are husband-and wifo now , and he is a prominent professor in an Eastern college , but he often refers to that day , and as he recounts to a ; knot of fellow clergymen.his confusion when he realized from thosmiles of the audience what he had done , ono ' would scarcely take him : for ni digni- • fied doctorofdivinity. " 'Parsonsaid arather seedy looking individual as ho walked into my study one morning , 'I want to \ get married. ' Now , thero-was noth ing strange in that ; in.fact.it was a most frequent occurrence , but his tone indicated much nervousnessjand I tried my best to mako-further con versation easy to him. Finally after a strained attempt at several topics , 1 including the weather , he rose to leave and as he grasped the knob | of the door he suddenly turned around and managed to say , after the manner of ono doing somodisa - / greeable duty : < " 'I'm a poor man and can't afford ( to pay for a long ceremony , pardner. ' Make it as short as possible just enough to tie us. Mary won't catch / on. on."Poor fellow ho probably thought a marriage ceremony cost according to its length , but I promised to cut it short and was rewarded by a dona- j tion of 50 cents. "This is but one side ofa-minister's . life. Full of meaning and responsi- ' bility is the other. Li • ' is to short to always play , too fu'l of responsi bility , too earnest. But I believe he is a better man , can servo his fellows more , whose heart chords are in tune 1 with the great charms ol lives about i him. This is what a minister's life lias-taught me. " " wI3 * - Ciii Adipose Tissue and Tom per. "You great , big clodhopper ! " J shrieked a slender-visa god female , up- , on whose aquiline nose a pair of gold * > , eye-glasses were cramped as she near- % I ly pushed a conductor off a .Madison avenue car the other day. "I beg yonr pardon , ma ' am , but I / ' did not intend to step on your foot. ' It was merely an accident. " "Well , why don't you look where \ you ' re going , and you won 't make \ such a fool of yourself ! " ejaculated } the injured female. While a New York Mail' and Ex press reporter was unavoidably list- ' ening to the foregoing dialogue he K felt someone tugging at the sleeve of \ his coat and turning around saw a i * " * \ " well-known plrysician who figures / ' prominently in law courts as an ex- / ' 1 pert upon insanity. "That carries out my idea exact ly , " observed the doctor. ( ,1 1 "What idea is that ? " asked-there- ' I porter. "That women's-tempercomes from , their corporosity , " ho continued. "A fat woman is good-tempered and V * easy-going ; it is natural that she - should be so. I think the temper is all in the bones , anyway , and when a woman is fat the temper becomes ab- ' sorbed before it reaches the surface. 1 j Perhaps thatjSatunny theory , young ! i f man , and you newspaper fellows are I the hardest lot to get a new idea in- - to , especially when a n. old man is the [ ' authority for its evolution. Eh ; aro I right ? " The reporter demurred. "When a woman is thin the temper is on the surface , " the doctor con- * tinued ; "when a fat woman has a N high temper it i.s something terrible. * She never cools. On the other hand , a thin woman eools off quickly , but she heats up again just as quickly. A < thin woman with a good temper comes just as near being an angel as . anybody can be on this mundane sphere. " Portraits ou Tickets. * ! A young railroad man of Atlanta • has come to the front with an inven- ' * tion in the way of a ticket that will 5 bring him fame and an enviable bank account. It is simply this : The ' i purchaser of an iron-clad ticket is 1 . not to be required to write his name I or make any formal declaration as # < to his intention in regard to the tick- * " i &t. Nothing of the kind. The agent vcho sells the low-rate round - trip 4 t j points his little camera at you while • < lie gives you your change. It records j / the image of the purchaser in an in- ' \ stant. The agent pulls out the slide , * | rubs his chemical sponge over the . , . \ sensitized pap r and there you are. * In the upper left-hand corner of the ticket he pastes that picture , puts it < j under a stamp embosses the edges , , and unless you can find somebody ' that looks enough lrke you to risk ' the chance of a return on your image , \ the ticket will carry the original " , purchaser and nobody else. Atlantic | Constitution. . i 1