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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (April 11, 1920)
By OLD TIMER, ! ' While we're all sitting around looking dumb, which is a gift with some of us, the committee of ru jnors have made their report on presidential possibilities and impos sibilities . The chairman of the alibi commit tee reports the law hatchers have a surprise up their sleeve for the voter, but what are you going to do against a gent who has two sleeves. The public is a queer piece of mu sic, they yodel for "Hi" Johnson' to beat Wood into atmosphere colder than a six-card poker hand. If "Hi" does slam Leonard flatter than a pan of bride's biscuits, the voters will page Hitchcock to bang "Hi" for a row of nickel seats in the U. S. senate. Abe Was Sure Right As Abe Lincoln said, a'you can fool some of the voters some of the time, but you can's please any of them any of the time," or something Mice that. This year's political game will turn out to be a contest between the democrats' andthe republicans' systems. The democrat schemers won in 1916, but the kindergarten experts inform us that the demo cratic monotheism schedule doesn't look very promising this year. In the future, all cabinet members will Jiave to pass the civil service examination. This will do away with the hiring and firing of mem bers who were weighed and found undemocratic. There should be a law against removing a secretary from office just as he accepts his job and has the swivel chair ad justed to" his right highest sitting down. In the old days, before Woody started the fad of an employment bureau, the retiring secretary handed his successor a portfolio, now they hand each other time tables. ' Bill Bryan has the giggles on the other boys. Bill got fired from the cabinet while resignation's were still stylish, now he is squawking that he is a delegate at large to the democratic convention June 8 in San Francisco. The dem6s picked the western city because they figure that after election they will go west any way. Bill is one of those two-sleeved fellows who 'has something up both sleeves. He has a hard time to get his orchestra in tune. The trouble is. BI1 knqvs only one tune and that's "I Hear You Calling Me." Neigh, Neigh, Paulino. ) The timid Nebraska Shepherd lad figures if he doesn't get the democrat nomination for prexy he will run on the prohibition platform with Billy Sunday as secretary of state; "Pus syfoot" Johnson as vice president; Sir Robert G. Ross of Lexington, as creations of war. . Sir Bob has never grabbed his lifelong ambition of endeavoring to look through the -White house win dows from the inside. Bob started running for president about the time Ingersoll wound up his first watch. The watch is still running. So is Bob. Out in the sugarbeet dis tance they accuse Bob of being a livery stable manicurist, but Bob gives them the merry horse laugh. (Neigh! Neigh!) - Enter Slapstick Stuff. Hi JohTison, grand master of the order of "Rise and Smite" and "Heaven Shall Protect the Working Girl," makes more noise than r banjo. When Senator Hi starts squawking in a neat lemon meringue manner, another, Senator - Borah, slaps him in the senatorial mush with a loosely baked custard speech. And accuses Sim of high financing in campaign funds. , In rbuttal, the first senator smothers the party of the second part with a bowl of hot chili sea soned with wise cra'cks and served with appropriate gestures. Then Hitchcock will buzz for hours in a limpid, clear voice filtered through two and one-half per cent. Hitch believes in bringing the old world back to where the spigot isn't an ornament, but a weapon. , Hints on Typewriting. s He believes that politics and prohibition make strange folding bed fellows and wants to be inside the works when it folds up.v He thinks this presidential landslide will not be complete until some one has dug him out of the debris. John J. Pershing is good at this, John is good at anything. He scooped Bill out of France. Bill didn't have any more show with our Nebraska choice for president than an o3ls salesman has in Detroit. "Now is the time for all good men and women to come to the aid of tur Jack. " m qi iT BY A. II If Zf BUMBLE BEE TO HELP CANDIDATES FOR OFFICE: Suggests Nttvel Plan and Presents Guide for Writing Political Speeches. " . - ' Ever in the vanguard of progress, The Bumble Bee today presents to the hundreds of Omaha candidates for political office a guide which will be of great assistance to them in campaigning and in political ora tory. The Bumble Bee has been ap palled by the laxity of officeseeking rules. Any man with $5 can trie for any office and a few days later have, his face on a card stuck up all over town. TheVe are about 9,246, 500 political cards now in circula tion in Omaha ' The 1an of The Bumble Bee is this: Each t'ajididate will be charged $12 ir.itead of $S to file for oflic-e. When ne files he will be pro vided with campaign equipment, iust like a man going into a bathhouse gets towel and soap. Plan Is Uniform. The election commissioner will issue to each candidate two boxes of SO cigars each, costing $2.50 a box, and 500 cards with the candi date's name and picture. Also one box of chewing gum for distribution among women voters. The total cost of this will be ap proximately $8, leaving $4 profit to the county. No candidate will be permitted to buy any more cigars, chewing gum or cards for distribution. This will put them all on an equal footing, as well as saving the streets from bein? littered up with cards and almost whole cigar butts. This plan will be pushed by The Bumble Bee to the limit and prob ably, will be adopted by demand of the people and candidates. The Candidate's Guide. Further ,to prove that it is "the candidate's friend," The Bumble Mr. Job Hunter. Bee's special staff of political edi tors has compiled a list of useful phrases and expressions which office-seekers may use in preparing their speeches in the coming cam paign. Cut it out and use it with compliments of The Bumble Bee. Here is the list: ' 1 "Whatever" I may have accom plished in my humble way I owe to the loyalty and supportof you, my fellow citizens." "Words fail me to" . "Every person within the sound of'my voice " "And that reminds me of a story" , "Unaccustomed, as I am, to pub lic speaking " . - "This splendid city of ours " "A few words will suffice to an swer" "I beg of you " "Taking the broad view " "And here I am led to observe " "It remains only to point out" "The facts are clear and unequivo cal thatj " "Again, I ask the gentleman " "There can be but one answer" "I submit that" "The conclusion is irrisistible that" "A question of vital importance " "This sea of upturned faces " ."In saying all this I do not forget-". "I see little hope of" "Political malcontents may " ' "Nebraska's fertile acres." "Pusillanimous activity." "Poisoned counsels of corrupt of ficials." "If elected to this office" "I shall be the servant of the peo ple." "My latchstring will always be out." . i, "Doomed to destruction.' "Fade into insignificance." ' "The unthinking and careless." . "Vacillating and uncertain in the past." "Spread like wildfire." "The whole truth, naked, cold and fatal asa patriot's blade." "Words like the gossamer film of the summer.V "I see a river of men marching like a tide." "A public office is a public trust. "The will of the people is su preme." "I view with alarm " "The Stars and Stripes 1" "FulKthroated as the sea.'' "Empty wagons make the most noise." ' . , "Without fear of successful con tradiction " ' , , "We are living m a wonderful age. "What we need is. in county office "Vnn Unow what haooened." "In the immortal words of Abra ham Lincoln " . "The menace of bolshevism. . "It has been said, and truly, that-" . ... ... "I am the working man s friend. Candidates who wish entire speeches written for them should consult with one of The Bumble Bee's staff of political experts, head ed by Job Hunter, who has run for political office quite a number of times and knows the issues of the day and what will appeal to the voters. Remember, candidates, The Bum ble Bee is your friend, no matter what your politics or past record. That's one of the finest things about The Bumble Bee its absolute in dependence. - Karl Got Mixed Up On Grave Question of What to Take Off Live stock dealers on the. South Side are telling a story at the ex pense of Karl Kalhorn one of their number. v When Karl was about 11 years old he and a party of friends staged a big show in the cellar of Karl's home. Karl- was leading man. The "house" was packed and the S. R. O., sign had been hung out an houi before the curtain was ready, to go u. AM the kids in the neighbor iioch! were gathered at the expense of 2 cents each to witness the big event. Karl's role was that of the King of Zambeezi. He wore a bright blue silk suit in the first act, but in the second wore some sort of a riding costume, The Queen, of Zambeezi wore a long blue silk train. The change of costume had to be sud den in order not to keep the audi ence in suspense. So Karl appeared in the first act with his riding cos tume under his blue silk suit Be tween the acts all that was neces sary was to slip off the .blue silk suit and Karl was ready to "face the footlights," again. That was the st.ige manager's idea but Karl got mixed up. After the first act, the. house ap plauded enthusiastically.; As the last ripple died away Karl's voice from behind the scene broke up' the show. In a tone intended to be a whisper, but sounding otherwise, Karl said "Shall I take off my pants?" Boiled drinking water as a method of guarding against disease was practised in olden time. Herdonua tells how Cyrus had his drinking water boiled and carried in silver vessels, and Pliny the Elder . re lates that Nero had water boiled and afterwards cooled for drinking by placing it in glass flasks surrounded by snow. Timbuctoo Not Yet Sent Challenge by Police Base Ball Nine Leave it to Joe Wavrin, good In dian of the city detective gang, to issue athletic challenges to hostile hordes. Joe is prouder of the pros pective police base ball nine than he is of his coming vote. v y He wasn't satisfied with issuing a challenge to the city firemen to play ball on some sand lot where es cape is easy in case . San Diego, Cal., and Timbuctoo are two settlements- that haven't heard from Joe yet. T'other day Honest Joe spent $421.31 and a lota time sending out correspondence for games this season. To date, the police nine has a schedule that links conformly with Bryan's itinerary during his 16-to-l campaign. . "On with the games I" is Joe s bat tle, cry, Star First Baseman On Trip to Chicago Almost Gives It Away "Clink" Clair, star first baseman for the Murphy-Did-Its, doesn't have much to say at home these days. A couple days ago "Clink" went to Chicago on - business for his firm. Fi'rst night there, he wrote a letter ".to his little daughter, Mercedes. He ended it like this: "Love to you and Daddy." He swears to Mrs. , Clair that Chi cago is a dry town, but he also ad mits that she is "daddy" pow. "My fortune's made" exclaimed the dancing teacher. ".Have you thought of a new dance?" "No. But I've thought of a highly Ira proper name for one." Washington Star. The Omaha Sunday Bee OMAHA, SUNDAY MORNING, APRIL lh , 1920. Memory of Turkey Day Meal in 1909 Causes Blow Up in 1920 Home In the shaded rays from a $150 electric lamp (which he detested), Mr. Con Sumer, seated at his post war $400 library table in his Omaha vine-clad cottage that knocked him back $55 every 30 days, was weav ing his way warily through last month's grocery and meat bill in desperate hope of detecting a pos sible error that would lop a few fig ures off the $95 proudly marked ;grand total." "Grand is right," he was mutter ing. "Grand total for somebody, grand mess for me." , The softened rays from the shad ed lamp did not soften the look in Mr. Sumer's eyes,. He was in the state commonly referred as as "hard Roiled." V It was an unfortunate moment for Mrs. Sumer, who had been- rum maging through drawers of a desk; to lay before him the "find" she had just made. , "Look at that. Con," she gurgled exuberantly. "Do you remember that dinner? We had a table all to ourselves in that hotel cafe and we held hands under the table cloth and acted foolish and you asked mc if we were going to have home meals like that and I promised vou they'd be a lot better." Mr. Sumer looked. What hi saw was a dinner menu of an Omaha hotel, dated Thanks giving day, 1909. Printed prominently across the top was "Price 50 Cents." This is what Mr. Sumer read below: n Tall flnun r.inrv. Raw Oysters. Pickles Choice of Roast Toung Turkey with Dressing Cranberry Sauce Prim Ribs of Beef. Brown Gravy Roast Pork. Apple Sauce i Short Ribs, Brown Potatoes Boast Leg of Lamb, Caper Sauce Mashed Potatoes Stewed Tomatoes s Sweet Corn Pineapple Fritters, Wine Sauce. ' Engllnh Plum Pudding. Brandy Sauce Aiiple Pie Bumpkin Pie Mince Vie Cheese . . Coffee Tea Milk "And it was only $1 for both of us," cooed Mrs. Sumer. VWhat do you suppose that meal would cost us today?" , It was too much. Mr. Sumer ex ploded. Mrs. Sumer fled. No printable answer -,to Mrs. Sumer's question has yet been of fered. Disturbs Sleep of Wrecker "Bill" Chambers, liusband of Mrs. Chambers, and also knofvn as the "home wrecker," surprised some of his friends last week bv announcing that he is arising at 7 a. .irk these days. , - "It is all very simple when vou understand it," he explained. "Since my wife went to the country for an extended visit, I am living down town, in a place that adjoins the site of construction work. They are driving piles for the foundation of a building. They use a pile driver which they tune up at 7 a. m. That is why I am up at 7 a. m." Mr. Chambers wrecks buildings and homes. That is his business. Recently he wrecked the Bovd the ater and used a lot of dynamite dur ing the stilly hours of the night. CAg III-D'dll IVtJllietiiuci & y When All Others Forget Sixty-Day Trusty Walks Out at End of Term Police Heads Shiver as Neglected Furnace Grows Cold Bertillon Expert Effects Rescue. It was the call of the wild at Cen tral police station last Saturday when "Eight-Ball," a black and emancipated trusty, shook the dust of the boiler room from his feet and left nil but space behind. He was missed 'bout eight hours after he disappeared. The fire in the boiler turned to ashes and the police station became as cold as a spinsters' party on a conference of back-yard characters. "Eight-Ball," otherwise known as "Cue-Ball" Kelly, had been respon sible for the comfortable warmth of the police headquarters during the full 60 days of his inrstyship. None but J'Eight-Ball" was aware that the 60 days' sentence was up until last Saturday a cold one outside. Sees His Own Breath. Detective Chief Dunn first no ticed the chill in the building when he began to get blue about the gills. Good-naturedly, he complained not. . Chief of . Police Eberstein felt cold in his No. 8's. Inspector of Police' Pattullo shoveled old burley into a smoldering pipe to keep warm. George Schmidt, bookkeeper at the palace of justice, imitatingly played an ukalele to inspire sudden blood circulation in his system. Misses Grace Mahaffey and Bertha Lichnofsky, on duty part time at the station, attempted to "shimmy." All the time, "Eight-Ball" was inif sing. ., No One Volunteers. No one volunteered to start a fire in the boiler. 1 Police Captain Peter, Dillon sug gested that Julius Smith Cooley, promoter of justice to the op pressed, pass out Flor de Ropas. A few smoldering leaves might have helped the situation, he opined. , A thermometer, the only thing made active by tlv chill, registered low degrees. Nielsen to the Rescue. Finally, at the timely suggestion of Mrs. Emily Byram, assistant fin ger print artist in .he Bertillon bu reau, Hans Nielsen, in charge of prisoners', characters in general, shed his barber-shop vest for the job of starting a fire. Five hours later, everything was warm and rosy about the station. And Kelly is chuckling to himself. Teaching Canaries To Sing Is Art of ransian Iramer Parisians are so passionately fond of canaries that it is estimated there are 100,000 of these birds in the City of Light. Writing in the Wide World magazine, Henri Gail lard, the famous French canary trainer,- gives some interesting par ticulars regarding his method of teaching his pets to sing. "The musical training of my pu pils," he siys "is conducted with the aid of a bird whistle or a flageolet A fortnight after the young bird has learned to, feed itself it is put into a solitary cage, where, if it is a male, it soon begins to warble. The cage is then covered with white muslin and its occupant is fed on colza seed and bread soaked in water. During the first week of isolation I don't al low him to hear the song of any other bird, and during the second week I play only a few notes of medium pitch every morning before his cage. ' . "After this 1 advise covering the cage with very thick green or red serge, thus keeping the bird in dark ness until it has learned a few short musical phrases. How long does it take to train a canary to sing prop erly?' Well, that all depends on the bird's aptitude. I should say the: time varies from two to six months." Detective, Visiting In Omaha, Puts Pistol In Hotel Vault for Safety Tales of Omaha's particular brand of "highjackers" are filtering to all parts of the country, accord ing to H. C. Wolfe, Oklahoma City detective. Mr. Wolfe arrived in Omaha a few days ago armed with a 44-cali-ber Colts special revolver and a dozen rounds of ammunition to in vestigate circumstances leading to the arrest of firs. Gladys Wotfe of Oklahoma City and Hayward Thompson in Hotel Fontenclle. of outlaws 'highjackers' arc," he ex plained, as he displayed his artillery in Manager Stafford's office in the Fontenelle, "but I came prepared for anything. I'll just keep this little Bertha in my suitcase where it will be ready. "Have you got a lock for your suitcase?" a bystander inquired. "If you haven't some 'highjacker fwill take your gun away from you." The detective frowned for a min ute, and then smiled. "You may be right, at that," ha said. "I guess I'll put the old gat in the hotel safe." And there the gun remained, safe from "highjackers," until Mr. Wolfe returns to his home town. "These are queer times." "What now?" 'Think of men drinking themselvesj to death, with two drinks." Detroit Free. Press. r C,rnA Vslnnrl. .Neb.v April 9, 1920. To the Democratic Voters of . Nebraska : I am a candidate for Demo cratic National Committeeman in the primaries to be held April 20. I am unable to personally see all of those Vho will vote in the primary and I take this way of advising you who I am and what I stand for. I have been an active Demo crat in Nebraska X or more than 30 years. In , 1896 I was Democratic National Committeeman and as you knw Nebraska cast its electoral vote for W. J. Bryan for President. . .' In 1912 I was elected Chair man of the Democratic State Committee and re-elected in 1914. .In both campaigns the party was united, with the result that the electoral vote in 1912 was cast for a Democratic presi dent and the entire Democratic state ticket was elected in 1912 and 1914. If I am elected I will do what I can to again unite the party and get it out of the factional rut it is now in. I do not want the position as a source of profit and if elected will accept no political retainers of any kind. My sole purpose in soliciting your support is to organize the party not disorganize it I am in favor of the ratifica tion of the amendment giving the right of suffrage to women. I am in favor of an immedi ate reduction of armament as a guaranty of peace. I am against universal com pulsory military training the people are now overburdened with war taxes. I am against the profiteer and if elected National Committee man will devote my time to se curing legislation to , effectively prosecute profiteers and stop profiteering. Yours truly, W. H. THOMPSON. There Are Two Great Advantages to My Painless Extraction of Teeth By my method there is NO PAIN, therefore no shock to the nervous system. This Is of special value to nervous patients. Neither is there any feeling of sickness or ill after effects that formerly made ' people afraid of the dentist's chair. PERSONAL ATTENTION AND BEST OF MATERIALS What do you gain hy having your teeth fixed in a dental narlor with from 4 to 8 operators whose owner probably lives in a distant city and very likely has never seen the inside of a dental col lege, whose only object is the ambition and desire to make as much money as possible for himself, and even though he were present he could not do all the operating? All Worh Leaving This Office Is Open to Inspection by Any State's Dental Board 'J graduate of Northwestern University, Chicago DR. W.F.C00K 206 Neville Block Omaha Entrance on 16th Street at Harney Daily Hours 8:30 to 6 P. M. Sun. 10 to 1 P. M. A. HOSPE CO. PIANOS TTHED A FTP REPATKET) in Work Guaranteed UU Donplaii Ht Tel Don. 188. - n HARP E SCHOOL I ! u . in. yim O Furnished Pupile fj 308 Lyric Bids. Phone Doug. 8704 HEAVY Hoisting E.J. DA VIS i - 1212 Farham. Tel. D. 353 Pershing NEBRASKA has a chance this year to name the Republican candidate for president. As Nebraska voters choose on April 20th so the country may choose in June. Nebraskans who feel legitimate pride in the achievements of - General John J. Pershing are seeking to explain to every Nebraska voter the opportunity which Nebraska has. This campaign requires funds for advertis ing, for postage, for clerical work'. If you believe in Nebraska's candidate, John J. Pershing, filLout the attached coupon and send it with your remittance. GET IT NOW! DON'T PUT IT OFF! A man eaiK put off buying rubbers till the weather gets sloppy, -fie can put off buying an overcoat till he begins to feel the cold. When he is hungry he can step into a restaurant and "feed up." In short, he can get almost any. thing he wants when he wants it EXCEPT LIFE INSURANCE! He has got to apply for that before there is really any need for it. , He can't get if on his deathbed; N s H can't get it when he's sick; He can't get it when he is old ; He can't get it when his health is broken. j GET IT NOW and -GET IT IN THE Woodmen of the World ' (The 100 Fraternity) Simply Phone Douglaa 4870 for Rates and Full Particulars JOHN T. YATES, Sovereign Clerk W. A. FRASER, Sovereign Commander Pershing-fo-President Club, 132 South 13th Street, t Lincoln, Neb. In a desire to do my part to advance the candidacy of my fellow Nebraskan, General John J. Pershing, for the Republican nomination for president, I hereby enclose to be used in paying legitimate expenses of his campaign. ' i ?",'