By OLD TIMER, ! '
While we're all sitting around
looking dumb, which is a gift with
some of us, the committee of ru
jnors have made their report on
presidential possibilities and impos
sibilities .
The chairman of the alibi commit
tee reports the law hatchers have a
surprise up their sleeve for the
voter, but what are you going to do
against a gent who has two sleeves.
The public is a queer piece of mu
sic, they yodel for "Hi" Johnson' to
beat Wood into atmosphere colder
than a six-card poker hand. If "Hi"
does slam Leonard flatter than a
pan of bride's biscuits, the voters
will page Hitchcock to bang "Hi"
for a row of nickel seats in the
U. S. senate.
Abe Was Sure Right
As Abe Lincoln said, a'you can
fool some of the voters some of the
time, but you can's please any of
them any of the time," or something
Mice that.
This year's political game will
turn out to be a contest between
the democrats' andthe republicans'
systems. The democrat schemers
won in 1916, but the kindergarten
experts inform us that the demo
cratic monotheism schedule doesn't
look very promising this year.
In the future, all cabinet members
will Jiave to pass the civil service
examination. This will do away
with the hiring and firing of mem
bers who were weighed and found
undemocratic. There should be a
law against removing a secretary
from office just as he accepts his
job and has the swivel chair ad
justed to" his right highest sitting
down.
In the old days, before Woody
started the fad of an employment
bureau, the retiring secretary
handed his successor a portfolio,
now they hand each other time
tables. '
Bill Bryan has the giggles on the
other boys. Bill got fired from the
cabinet while resignation's were still
stylish, now he is squawking that
he is a delegate at large to the
democratic convention June 8 in
San Francisco. The dem6s picked
the western city because they figure
that after election they will go west
any way.
Bill is one of those two-sleeved
fellows who 'has something up both
sleeves. He has a hard time to get
his orchestra in tune. The trouble
is. BI1 knqvs only one tune and
that's "I Hear You Calling Me."
Neigh, Neigh, Paulino. )
The timid Nebraska Shepherd lad
figures if he doesn't get the democrat
nomination for prexy he will run on
the prohibition platform with Billy
Sunday as secretary of state; "Pus
syfoot" Johnson as vice president;
Sir Robert G. Ross of Lexington, as
creations of war. .
Sir Bob has never grabbed his
lifelong ambition of endeavoring to
look through the -White house win
dows from the inside. Bob started
running for president about the time
Ingersoll wound up his first watch.
The watch is still running. So is
Bob. Out in the sugarbeet dis
tance they accuse Bob of being a
livery stable manicurist, but Bob
gives them the merry horse laugh.
(Neigh! Neigh!) -
Enter Slapstick Stuff.
Hi JohTison, grand master of the
order of "Rise and Smite" and
"Heaven Shall Protect the Working
Girl," makes more noise than r
banjo. When Senator Hi starts
squawking in a neat lemon meringue
manner, another, Senator - Borah,
slaps him in the senatorial mush
with a loosely baked custard speech.
And accuses Sim of high financing
in campaign funds. ,
In rbuttal, the first senator
smothers the party of the second
part with a bowl of hot chili sea
soned with wise cra'cks and served
with appropriate gestures.
Then Hitchcock will buzz for
hours in a limpid, clear voice filtered
through two and one-half per cent.
Hitch believes in bringing the old
world back to where the spigot isn't
an ornament, but a weapon. ,
Hints on Typewriting.
s He believes that politics and
prohibition make strange folding
bed fellows and wants to be inside
the works when it folds up.v He
thinks this presidential landslide
will not be complete until some one
has dug him out of the debris.
John J. Pershing is good at this,
John is good at anything. He
scooped Bill out of France. Bill
didn't have any more show with our
Nebraska choice for president than
an o3ls salesman has in Detroit.
"Now is the time for all good men
and women to come to the aid of
tur Jack. "
m qi iT BY A. II If Zf
BUMBLE BEE TO HELP
CANDIDATES FOR
OFFICE:
Suggests Nttvel Plan and Presents
Guide for Writing Political
Speeches. " . - '
Ever in the vanguard of progress,
The Bumble Bee today presents to
the hundreds of Omaha candidates
for political office a guide which will
be of great assistance to them in
campaigning and in political ora
tory. The Bumble Bee has been ap
palled by the laxity of officeseeking
rules. Any man with $5 can trie
for any office and a few days later
have, his face on a card stuck up all
over town. TheVe are about 9,246,
500 political cards now in circula
tion in Omaha
' The 1an of The Bumble Bee is
this: Each t'ajididate will be
charged $12 ir.itead of $S to file for
oflic-e. When ne files he will be pro
vided with campaign equipment, iust
like a man going into a bathhouse
gets towel and soap.
Plan Is Uniform.
The election commissioner will
issue to each candidate two boxes
of SO cigars each, costing $2.50 a
box, and 500 cards with the candi
date's name and picture. Also one
box of chewing gum for distribution
among women voters.
The total cost of this will be ap
proximately $8, leaving $4 profit to
the county.
No candidate will be permitted to
buy any more cigars, chewing gum
or cards for distribution. This will
put them all on an equal footing, as
well as saving the streets from bein?
littered up with cards and almost
whole cigar butts.
This plan will be pushed by The
Bumble Bee to the limit and prob
ably, will be adopted by demand of
the people and candidates.
The Candidate's Guide.
Further ,to prove that it is "the
candidate's friend," The Bumble
Mr. Job Hunter.
Bee's special staff of political edi
tors has compiled a list of useful
phrases and expressions which office-seekers
may use in preparing
their speeches in the coming cam
paign. Cut it out and use it with
compliments of The Bumble Bee.
Here is the list: ' 1
"Whatever" I may have accom
plished in my humble way I owe to
the loyalty and supportof you, my
fellow citizens."
"Words fail me to" .
"Every person within the sound
of'my voice "
"And that reminds me of a
story" ,
"Unaccustomed, as I am, to pub
lic speaking " . -
"This splendid city of ours "
"A few words will suffice to an
swer" "I beg of you "
"Taking the broad view "
"And here I am led to observe "
"It remains only to point out"
"The facts are clear and unequivo
cal thatj "
"Again, I ask the gentleman "
"There can be but one answer"
"I submit that"
"The conclusion is irrisistible
that"
"A question of vital importance "
"This sea of upturned faces "
."In saying all this I do not forget-".
"I see little hope of"
"Political malcontents may "
' "Nebraska's fertile acres."
"Pusillanimous activity."
"Poisoned counsels of corrupt of
ficials." "If elected to this office"
"I shall be the servant of the peo
ple." "My latchstring will always be
out." . i,
"Doomed to destruction.'
"Fade into insignificance."
' "The unthinking and careless." .
"Vacillating and uncertain in the
past."
"Spread like wildfire."
"The whole truth, naked, cold and
fatal asa patriot's blade."
"Words like the gossamer film of
the summer.V
"I see a river of men marching
like a tide."
"A public office is a public trust.
"The will of the people is su
preme." "I view with alarm "
"The Stars and Stripes 1"
"FulKthroated as the sea.''
"Empty wagons make the most
noise." ' . ,
"Without fear of successful con
tradiction " ' , ,
"We are living m a wonderful
age.
"What we need
is.
in county office
"Vnn Unow what haooened."
"In the immortal words of Abra
ham Lincoln " .
"The menace of bolshevism.
. "It has been said, and truly,
that-" . ... ...
"I am the working man s friend.
Candidates who wish entire
speeches written for them should
consult with one of The Bumble
Bee's staff of political experts, head
ed by Job Hunter, who has run for
political office quite a number of
times and knows the issues of the
day and what will appeal to the
voters.
Remember, candidates, The Bum
ble Bee is your friend, no matter
what your politics or past record.
That's one of the finest things about
The Bumble Bee its absolute in
dependence. -
Karl Got Mixed Up
On Grave Question of
What to Take Off
Live stock dealers on the. South
Side are telling a story at the ex
pense of Karl Kalhorn one of their
number. v
When Karl was about 11 years
old he and a party of friends staged
a big show in the cellar of Karl's
home. Karl- was leading man. The
"house" was packed and the S. R.
O., sign had been hung out an houi
before the curtain was ready, to go
u. AM the kids in the neighbor
iioch! were gathered at the expense
of 2 cents each to witness the big
event.
Karl's role was that of the King
of Zambeezi. He wore a bright blue
silk suit in the first act, but in the
second wore some sort of a riding
costume, The Queen, of Zambeezi
wore a long blue silk train. The
change of costume had to be sud
den in order not to keep the audi
ence in suspense. So Karl appeared
in the first act with his riding cos
tume under his blue silk suit Be
tween the acts all that was neces
sary was to slip off the .blue silk
suit and Karl was ready to "face the
footlights," again. That was the
st.ige manager's idea but Karl got
mixed up.
After the first act, the. house ap
plauded enthusiastically.; As the
last ripple died away Karl's voice
from behind the scene broke up' the
show.
In a tone intended to be a whisper,
but sounding otherwise, Karl said
"Shall I take off my pants?"
Boiled drinking water as a method
of guarding against disease was
practised in olden time. Herdonua
tells how Cyrus had his drinking
water boiled and carried in silver
vessels, and Pliny the Elder . re
lates that Nero had water boiled and
afterwards cooled for drinking by
placing it in glass flasks surrounded
by snow.
Timbuctoo Not Yet
Sent Challenge by
Police Base Ball Nine
Leave it to Joe Wavrin, good In
dian of the city detective gang, to
issue athletic challenges to hostile
hordes. Joe is prouder of the pros
pective police base ball nine than he
is of his coming vote. v y
He wasn't satisfied with issuing
a challenge to the city firemen to
play ball on some sand lot where es
cape is easy in case .
San Diego, Cal., and Timbuctoo
are two settlements- that haven't
heard from Joe yet. T'other day
Honest Joe spent $421.31 and a lota
time sending out correspondence for
games this season.
To date, the police nine has a
schedule that links conformly with
Bryan's itinerary during his 16-to-l
campaign. .
"On with the games I" is Joe s bat
tle, cry,
Star First Baseman
On Trip to Chicago
Almost Gives It Away
"Clink" Clair, star first baseman
for the Murphy-Did-Its, doesn't have
much to say at home these days.
A couple days ago "Clink" went
to Chicago on - business for his
firm. Fi'rst night there, he wrote
a letter ".to his little daughter,
Mercedes.
He ended it like this: "Love to
you and Daddy."
He swears to Mrs. , Clair that Chi
cago is a dry town, but he also ad
mits that she is "daddy" pow.
"My fortune's made" exclaimed the
dancing teacher.
".Have you thought of a new dance?"
"No. But I've thought of a highly Ira
proper name for one." Washington Star.
The Omaha Sunday Bee
OMAHA, SUNDAY MORNING, APRIL lh , 1920.
Memory of Turkey Day
Meal in 1909 Causes
Blow Up in 1920 Home
In the shaded rays from a $150
electric lamp (which he detested),
Mr. Con Sumer, seated at his post
war $400 library table in his Omaha
vine-clad cottage that knocked him
back $55 every 30 days, was weav
ing his way warily through last
month's grocery and meat bill in
desperate hope of detecting a pos
sible error that would lop a few fig
ures off the $95 proudly marked
;grand total."
"Grand is right," he was mutter
ing. "Grand total for somebody,
grand mess for me." ,
The softened rays from the shad
ed lamp did not soften the look in
Mr. Sumer's eyes,. He was in the
state commonly referred as as "hard
Roiled." V
It was an unfortunate moment
for Mrs. Sumer, who had been- rum
maging through drawers of a desk;
to lay before him the "find" she had
just made. ,
"Look at that. Con," she gurgled
exuberantly. "Do you remember
that dinner? We had a table all to
ourselves in that hotel cafe and we
held hands under the table cloth
and acted foolish and you asked mc
if we were going to have home
meals like that and I promised vou
they'd be a lot better."
Mr. Sumer looked.
What hi saw was a dinner menu
of an Omaha hotel, dated Thanks
giving day, 1909.
Printed prominently across the
top was "Price 50 Cents." This is
what Mr. Sumer read below:
n Tall flnun
r.inrv. Raw Oysters. Pickles
Choice of
Roast Toung Turkey with Dressing
Cranberry Sauce
Prim Ribs of Beef. Brown Gravy
Roast Pork. Apple Sauce
i Short Ribs, Brown Potatoes
Boast Leg of Lamb, Caper Sauce
Mashed Potatoes
Stewed Tomatoes s
Sweet Corn
Pineapple Fritters, Wine Sauce. '
Engllnh Plum Pudding. Brandy Sauce
Aiiple Pie Bumpkin Pie Mince Vie
Cheese .
. Coffee Tea Milk
"And it was only $1 for both of
us," cooed Mrs. Sumer. VWhat do
you suppose that meal would cost
us today?" ,
It was too much. Mr. Sumer ex
ploded. Mrs. Sumer fled.
No printable answer -,to Mrs.
Sumer's question has yet been of
fered. Disturbs Sleep of Wrecker
"Bill" Chambers, liusband of Mrs.
Chambers, and also knofvn as the
"home wrecker," surprised some of
his friends last week bv announcing
that he is arising at 7 a. .irk these
days. ,
- "It is all very simple when vou
understand it," he explained. "Since
my wife went to the country for an
extended visit, I am living down
town, in a place that adjoins the site
of construction work. They are
driving piles for the foundation of
a building. They use a pile driver
which they tune up at 7 a. m. That
is why I am up at 7 a. m."
Mr. Chambers wrecks buildings
and homes. That is his business.
Recently he wrecked the Bovd the
ater and used a lot of dynamite dur
ing the stilly hours of the night.
CAg III-D'dll IVtJllietiiuci & y
When All Others Forget
Sixty-Day Trusty Walks Out at End of Term Police
Heads Shiver as Neglected Furnace Grows Cold
Bertillon Expert Effects Rescue.
It was the call of the wild at Cen
tral police station last Saturday
when "Eight-Ball," a black and
emancipated trusty, shook the dust
of the boiler room from his feet and
left nil but space behind.
He was missed 'bout eight hours
after he disappeared. The fire in
the boiler turned to ashes and the
police station became as cold as a
spinsters' party on a conference of
back-yard characters.
"Eight-Ball," otherwise known as
"Cue-Ball" Kelly, had been respon
sible for the comfortable warmth of
the police headquarters during the
full 60 days of his inrstyship. None
but J'Eight-Ball" was aware that the
60 days' sentence was up until last
Saturday a cold one outside.
Sees His Own Breath.
Detective Chief Dunn first no
ticed the chill in the building when
he began to get blue about the gills.
Good-naturedly, he complained not.
. Chief of . Police Eberstein felt
cold in his No. 8's. Inspector of
Police' Pattullo shoveled old burley
into a smoldering pipe to keep
warm.
George Schmidt, bookkeeper at
the palace of justice, imitatingly
played an ukalele to inspire sudden
blood circulation in his system.
Misses Grace Mahaffey and Bertha
Lichnofsky, on duty part time at
the station, attempted to "shimmy."
All the time, "Eight-Ball" was
inif sing. .,
No One Volunteers.
No one volunteered to start a fire
in the boiler. 1
Police Captain Peter, Dillon sug
gested that Julius Smith Cooley,
promoter of justice to the op
pressed, pass out Flor de Ropas. A
few smoldering leaves might have
helped the situation, he opined.
, A thermometer, the only thing
made active by tlv chill, registered
low degrees.
Nielsen to the Rescue.
Finally, at the timely suggestion
of Mrs. Emily Byram, assistant fin
ger print artist in .he Bertillon bu
reau, Hans Nielsen, in charge of
prisoners', characters in general,
shed his barber-shop vest for the
job of starting a fire.
Five hours later, everything was
warm and rosy about the station.
And Kelly is chuckling to himself.
Teaching Canaries
To Sing Is Art of
ransian Iramer
Parisians are so passionately fond
of canaries that it is estimated there
are 100,000 of these birds in the City
of Light. Writing in the Wide
World magazine, Henri Gail
lard, the famous French canary
trainer,- gives some interesting par
ticulars regarding his method of
teaching his pets to sing.
"The musical training of my pu
pils," he siys "is conducted with the
aid of a bird whistle or a flageolet
A fortnight after the young bird has
learned to, feed itself it is put into a
solitary cage, where, if it is a male,
it soon begins to warble. The cage
is then covered with white muslin
and its occupant is fed on colza seed
and bread soaked in water. During
the first week of isolation I don't al
low him to hear the song of any
other bird, and during the second
week I play only a few notes of
medium pitch every morning before
his cage. '
. "After this 1 advise covering the
cage with very thick green or red
serge, thus keeping the bird in dark
ness until it has learned a few short
musical phrases. How long does it
take to train a canary to sing prop
erly?' Well, that all depends on the
bird's aptitude. I should say the:
time varies from two to six months."
Detective, Visiting In
Omaha, Puts Pistol In
Hotel Vault for Safety
Tales of Omaha's particular
brand of "highjackers" are filtering
to all parts of the country, accord
ing to H. C. Wolfe, Oklahoma City
detective.
Mr. Wolfe arrived in Omaha a
few days ago armed with a 44-cali-ber
Colts special revolver and a
dozen rounds of ammunition to in
vestigate circumstances leading to
the arrest of firs. Gladys Wotfe of
Oklahoma City and Hayward
Thompson in Hotel Fontenclle.
of outlaws 'highjackers' arc," he ex
plained, as he displayed his artillery
in Manager Stafford's office in the
Fontenelle, "but I came prepared for
anything. I'll just keep this little
Bertha in my suitcase where it will
be ready.
"Have you got a lock for your
suitcase?" a bystander inquired. "If
you haven't some 'highjacker fwill
take your gun away from you."
The detective frowned for a min
ute, and then smiled.
"You may be right, at that," ha
said. "I guess I'll put the old gat
in the hotel safe."
And there the gun remained, safe
from "highjackers," until Mr. Wolfe
returns to his home town.
"These are queer times."
"What now?"
'Think of men drinking themselvesj
to death, with two drinks." Detroit Free.
Press.
r
C,rnA Vslnnrl. .Neb.v
April 9, 1920.
To the Democratic Voters of
. Nebraska :
I am a candidate for Demo
cratic National Committeeman in
the primaries to be held April 20.
I am unable to personally see all
of those Vho will vote in the
primary and I take this way of
advising you who I am and what
I stand for.
I have been an active Demo
crat in Nebraska X or more than
30 years.
In , 1896 I was Democratic
National Committeeman and as
you knw Nebraska cast its
electoral vote for W. J. Bryan
for President. . .'
In 1912 I was elected Chair
man of the Democratic State
Committee and re-elected in
1914. .In both campaigns the
party was united, with the result
that the electoral vote in 1912
was cast for a Democratic presi
dent and the entire Democratic
state ticket was elected in 1912
and 1914.
If I am elected I will do what
I can to again unite the party
and get it out of the factional
rut it is now in. I do not want
the position as a source of profit
and if elected will accept no
political retainers of any kind.
My sole purpose in soliciting
your support is to organize the
party not disorganize it
I am in favor of the ratifica
tion of the amendment giving
the right of suffrage to women.
I am in favor of an immedi
ate reduction of armament as a
guaranty of peace.
I am against universal com
pulsory military training the
people are now overburdened
with war taxes.
I am against the profiteer and
if elected National Committee
man will devote my time to se
curing legislation to , effectively
prosecute profiteers and stop
profiteering.
Yours truly,
W. H. THOMPSON.
There Are Two Great
Advantages to My
Painless Extraction
of Teeth
By my method there is NO
PAIN, therefore no shock to
the nervous system. This Is
of special value to nervous
patients.
Neither is there any feeling
of sickness or ill after effects
that formerly made ' people
afraid of the dentist's chair.
PERSONAL ATTENTION
AND BEST OF MATERIALS
What do you gain hy having your teeth fixed in
a dental narlor with from 4 to 8 operators whose
owner probably lives in a distant city and very
likely has never seen the inside of a dental col
lege, whose only object is the ambition and desire
to make as much money as possible for himself,
and even though he were present he could not do
all the operating?
All Worh Leaving This Office Is Open to
Inspection by Any State's Dental Board
'J
graduate of Northwestern
University, Chicago
DR. W.F.C00K
206 Neville Block
Omaha
Entrance on 16th Street at Harney
Daily Hours 8:30 to 6 P. M. Sun. 10 to 1 P. M.
A. HOSPE CO.
PIANOS
TTHED A FTP
REPATKET)
in Work Guaranteed
UU Donplaii Ht Tel Don. 188.
-
n HARP
E SCHOOL
I ! u
. in. yim
O Furnished
Pupile
fj 308 Lyric Bids.
Phone Doug. 8704
HEAVY
Hoisting
E.J. DA VIS
i -
1212 Farham. Tel. D. 353
Pershing
NEBRASKA has a chance this year
to name the Republican candidate
for president. As Nebraska voters
choose on April 20th so the country may
choose in June. Nebraskans who feel
legitimate pride in the achievements of
- General John J. Pershing are seeking
to explain to every Nebraska voter the
opportunity which Nebraska has. This
campaign requires funds for advertis
ing, for postage, for clerical work'. If
you believe in Nebraska's candidate,
John J. Pershing, filLout the attached
coupon and send it with your remittance.
GET IT NOW!
DON'T PUT IT OFF!
A man eaiK put off buying rubbers till the weather gets sloppy, -fie can
put off buying an overcoat till he begins to feel the cold. When he is hungry
he can step into a restaurant and "feed up." In short, he can get almost any.
thing he wants when he wants it
EXCEPT LIFE INSURANCE!
He has got to apply for that before there is really any need for it.
, He can't get if on his deathbed;
N s H can't get it when he's sick;
He can't get it when he is old ;
He can't get it when his health is broken. j
GET IT NOW and -GET IT IN THE
Woodmen of the World
' (The 100 Fraternity)
Simply Phone Douglaa 4870 for Rates and Full Particulars
JOHN T. YATES, Sovereign Clerk W. A. FRASER, Sovereign Commander
Pershing-fo-President Club,
132 South 13th Street, t
Lincoln, Neb.
In a desire to do my part to advance the candidacy
of my fellow Nebraskan, General John J. Pershing, for
the Republican nomination for president, I hereby enclose
to be used in paying legitimate expenses of
his campaign. '
i
?",'
