Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 27, 1905)
A c .1 il' a! f nx n v. r . !: v ,. l.alf tl.a t 1 ;i r I -j- wo ! t j r . I i r ' wlrt as nv ' i- Is g'l'.d for ni- S !i J ', : .'.o.'t 1.. 1. . .! 'I". I ' ! i ' h : ,1 r ' v ', . .. w t in l; ii-.. ''. ! I-:. ' v .f tl. M c s f7? Top the Mornin FF. D.ftesbit. Stauncli In the Faith. "Tor you. Miss Theeiy." said the g ntle tii.ni mod. mi-. "I should suggest a fall cos- t U III of OXH.umI i-ll. Vlill. You fin uld IlliVe lift of mutt mi slirviM ii ml ,i p.uk pic hat. of c. 'in.-'i -" Quite So. .S W- 11-, If Ml- 111- ... T til. S. til S- h. l .1: i s h.s 1 1....K ii:" . . I ..-, ly .1'. ill h iu .ni.l ih. I'fiiui ss Va 1 slridd- is My " H" I t i i . d' .-. i- I,, art ," nmr ii. i- S. i i ;. i n . . " l :. I'l , Xl si- ! tiuh' ,.!t:i i.ll. I u '' ' s M ,i . ! i I i T I I .Illy t.l In l.l:. d . ' i :h d. nst O. JOY. An. Alphabet " 1 1. m v -Ii tr si; '" lil I? I., i! i.t tr.-m. I h i vi' lus- I " ii i 1. r . I i illll'd. " ( k pie'' Nt . i 1 m rli'UI)' ol III. of JoKes B .11 W VIP : T , m. " t'." Mths I h. in, i s ku, r. ;!1 t.. S' i l. s , ti,. , i i al 60 II 1 ". ..C.'i"' . . z r i V 1 STANDS for Zero frigid spot That we view, sighing, when lt'i hot. 'Twas the late Mr. Fahrenheit Who figured Zero ont one night; He sought a symbol for what we Would want, and then not want to see; In summer time we sadly sigh That it might top the mercury, In winter time we sometimes swear Because the mercury is there. And then, again, this Is the truth: The Zero mark suggests the youth Who boasts his worth, and says, " You bet; You'll see, I'll cut a figure yet." Alas! Oft luck and fate combine To make him ont a Zero sign. new vegetal i.in i bib." A Paradox. Aparadoit Here let me atate At that t do not nee a to itueis : It it t girl who'i up-to-date Became aba wean old faahloned areit. In the Gloaming. " Wlin w m Mint;..?" asks the man with tin dltVOlll 11 tod VV lll.-kcl s. ' Mingo?" npi iils the man with the canti-lev-t r huso. "Mingo? Seems to mf Ie In-. ml tin- ii.iiiu l i t. m- hut I can't place it at this moment. Why do y..u ask?" " Went to a concert last night, and some our si in.- i f ru aholit ' In tin- Glow, Mingo. My Darling.' " Watered. "Mow nun Ii lolling stovk, h.ivi- ynu?" asks 1 ho possible investor of the pi emoter of the Vuk.'ii A: Ypsil.niti railway. ' Hulling stmk?" nplies tho piomoter. Wo haven't jjil ah iik '.hat fal yet. We'll' l'U.-y h. aiding out tho limiting stock just at jitrsent." d v t ' i t. . l: i'l: 11 it a beastly bore u " Don't you find talk to some peojili "Yes; or to listen to other's." Mil Ills uln.'iry i .s:. s-.n.ssui-i.niml. d ly ..ii ;nv,.l.i i. ... " -nd thou si . .: K. st riflr w. 11 H i 1 ' ' I i , ' ! . I . S - . " 1 :.lt - f.'Tl. tin f'.urt .1. si. r. " 1 1 " ll" . s ;l r . Il .' " d. Ill ituls S,v ;... ii Wi: " Tis t 1 U' . V 1 1 ..tit kll'.ull' . ih it tlr.s i.sil. is sun . i, mli d l.v , n in visiMi. four," iiu.'th I.'. 'ii. ih. i . ui i 1. .-ii r " Knmiis' ih. hi what il is" ' asks S,r flow ..-I Wit ye. "Am. truly " " Tilt 11 s.. ak. s.I rah " " 1 1 :s tin a t in 's la i ' " Th. t.rii-ull.s t is. s ,:h a ronn and ih. h... fs ,,f our s'. ,is I.. ,.i ll"!l..w m fr.lns as . atiit.l, ,,v. r tin- di a In aim' Wo lan. y it 1 1. h r that a 1..I as to ho so ri. h intl to u t oii I must l. al'iiut as f t" opli' up' alu a that a hit r ji. o.lo 'iplit't th. in. i ctira v 1 1 n i; i In- s.i i trvitii; to ui.hft ynu would always ho try- ivaii; n f I' Her Aeditations. Noblcy" Campaign of Education. or ."..no- time N,.,'i 1 .i-i.ir.iti d with his w if s lndirT-Ti-nca- hs ti. L-iaiiuiiili.il i . u.-irui. lo n .f lor - i:t. u.os. I'flin he had spokiti Krt ll. to lor ul. ir ;t. only Wo In- I iuIu d at an a crank. At last he had il. i id. d t.. : 1 1 1 p 1 1 1 j . i a i . f . a in "That was an hv. f.i a, rid, in in Mem his." Mrs Nnldcy said, after Klnti'-ir-K "V-r tin ..ir. " , Irti,. ,y with a tmrso four years old was run "Vi r l.v a stni t car and " "Serves itn riKhi." Nohlcy ihclaied. "Any parents that would trust thiir child with a tuns, four years old me not entitled to any Bynipathy." It was the child that was four. ' Mrs. Nohh stat. d. " But you said ' a nurse four yi are old.' " Mi s. Nobley smih d. and resumed r ading t h e j.aper. N'ohli y sinilid. also, and con tin u e d pulling Ids cifiar. After some tuo tiutiU his wile spoke: "Ih i i s a roinant ic story. It shows that the world is not so in a t e r ialistic as is clainu d. A poor girl In Denver who was fatuous for her beauty was employi d as a cloak model In a store and was seen by a man w ho fell in lov c with her with a for tune in his own right who went to the store to buy a cloak lor his aK d mother " " Stop riKht tln re. Why did the fortune In his own riwht tn to the store to buy a cloak for his u. d mother?'' " I refuse to talk with you any more." And she didn't, that evening, but the tn xt mm niiih' she told hliu: " Yesterday there was a man came here to put in th. window AS TO THE GOOD OLD TIMES. 'Shall 17" or "Shall I not? " she muses: Her eyes are dreamful, and she sighs The sigh of the fair maid who chooses The path in which her future lies. I will," she says, then, hesitating, She says : "I won't," as women do When they are deeply cogitating Upon Ihe course they should pursue. Ah, no. indeed, 'tis not a lover Before whose plea each eyelid droops She's only seeking to discover It this next tall she should wear hoops I screens with n bald head and " " I will stand f..r Kreat deal, but I'll be hanged If I'll have any bald headed window screens on my house." Nobley declared. Mrs. Nobley meditated for a moment, then his meaning flashed upon her. She smiled sweetly and remarked, measuredly : " Mow much attention do you suppose ought to be paid by a w ife to her husband s advice who has I ad hut one hat In two years, and who Is mar ried to a man who novi r ev.-n Lrlnus h. r a box of candy on her birrthday worth fifty cents? Now. Alfred Itlitters Nobley. you can figure that out for yourself, whether it is In r husband or his advice that has had one new hat In two years and whether her birthday is worth fifty cents or not worth rinumbei Int " Why the Man's Single. Once there was a widower wlm bad begun to sii up and take notice again, but In fore he t-et forth upon his campaign f"r Number Two he lit Id nun muni in with himself, and said: " Now, I'm going to profit by my previous experience. This time, while 1 am wooing the fair young miss, 1 shall do nothing and say nothing that will make me feel like u silly ass when my wife reminds me of it in after yeais. I'll carry on a safi, sato' and const I va tive courtship." S.I I.e spl UI'ed UP a bit, l ad his beard shavt d off. his hair trim med neatly, got a new cravat and some high c.i'. la rs. and sallied forth among ' m. And he sunk to his resolution. No mattt r In i t he w as or w h. h was wooing poor girl or h e I r e s s . bl.ir.de or brunei w-. spiet.ui.d wisdom dimpled viv.uitv. In the moonlight, in the shadow, on the links or over iffee cups, he i.i v it, never, never said or did a silly thing. Little Henry's Slate. r r j The good old times were not, I wis, 5 Entirely good enough A The collars would prevent a kiss, N Ruffs made the old times rough. No Happiness lor Hint. I he l'.mmi ni H former, h 1:. ! ..tld h.iv nig h. iii to h. av is iniuh: h.iv . b. , n , Xpi , :, ,1 on.' vv ho by pi , ,'. j,t ,,,,, , N. in, pie and i in ina, u.- . r i- i y li .d sii i vi n (,. I, ...i ii,,. n : 1,1 in!.. 1 1.. i iuin 1 1 i h. I aniin nt K, f.. ii., r. w s.iy. having g.m. t,. h. ,iv . n. i,,l not s i i in to b. p.Tf. cMy h i ppy ov r i h. , b .,11,. II. spi nt m .st ..I h.s linn sii ; ing about n d.ly. si ., n ning th. h.,1,,, s f..r p, ss:l 1. si .. i Ks of 1 1, -t and list, pang t In ar a discord, if l!nr. Peia.. ., il ev Al last an :it.g.. t'.it?. ! .1 up ! him " You do not s. . ni t,. be i njov irg v .. Now, Sir Ouwan Witye was but just returned from a loug campaign wherein he had wrought marvelous deeds of derring doe, and his fair wife greeted him at the gate with a happy smile. "See," said Sir Gowan Witye, "I bave won this golden helmet with the bright white plumes for valor. It was given me with his own hand by our gracions king. Art not glad, wile?" "Aye, verily I am glad," replied the Lady Gowan Witye. "Have I not been shopping this whole week to get plumes like unto these for my new bonnet and found them not T Now I can use these that thou hast won." 1 hat s j.ist trouble. Then cliain e for me to start a reform vva thr music w i!h the air of a man who is drtrrtnltieii to ii in i so fail t t.d tni.rniur.'d s. ,f What is wrong" " inv thing wrong There isn't the slightest boat. oi mi ;i n . halo a berry pie for me, and didn't I break a tooth on a seed I found sn t h. f ' A ROCK FOR A STONE. "Quit that'" mt.'.iim the wif. ..f the man, whin he begins rocking thp never thought 1 wis marred to a i K-tbe boat idiot." You're not. Maria," ixplaun d the man. carinstly. " I in simply paying you In your ow n coin " " W Ii it .1 " Ihdn't ; in II n " " Vi s. but - " " Wi II, if h. n after you'll stone the chi rri. s I'll not rock the boat." 'ut the vvri ti h. il woman, realizing that she was link, d for life to a punster, began rocking the boat herself ill desp. rai hui. Good Intentions. " Thah was a fellow down heah." sas mil til. n.l '... Illuddangonh of Tennessee, " thah was a Ii How down In ah last siimini h. sub. wlm was the must remahkable instance of good int. ii t i. n is gone wrong, sub. that I eveh saw. sub." " Yes." we murmur, in. i a l.v lo give him tune to gather breath. " Yes, suh. II,. was one of ih.se puss-ops who are foluveh afraid that they will fail in some small pa lit uula h, sub. of the customs and hi nun lis of whatevih paht of the country they may be In. And s... sub. In- was very anxious not tn give offense while amongst us, sub. A congenial pahly was assembled in one of .mall clubs, and some pus son proposed drinks, and what does this Strang, h do but study full a moment In the eli'oht to think i f some drink that would be pei ninthly appropriate to this iieighb.rhixid." "Couldn't think of a Jul. p" " we asked. ' " Wuss'n that, sub. The naclnil holm fool lowed he'd take a cotton gin! " Recognized the Method. The victim of the holdup men has been resuscitated, and, after giving his name and ad. In ss, Is asked what Is his business. "I am a summer resort pi ..prielor," he says, feebly, "and my assailants got the i utile profits of my season." " Ib.l y.m observe them closely enough to give us a description of them?" "No. sn, but from the rapidity with w lib h they cleaned me out 1 am forced to he li. ve that they must at one time or another have been connected with my line of business." Gross Dereliction. " I hear that the proprietors of the Whoopla Magazine discharged their editor In chief ast vvi.k," ,-avs the hist literary agent. " Yes. h i him go on a liniment's notice," replies the second literary agent. "What was the trouble? 1 litference of opinion?" "No. Worse than that. lie let the magazine go to press without having pictures of the Housevclt faJiuly and of John I). Hockefeller in it." HE IN 12 wj . "Mr lllumiiif, are you one if ilnse men who think woman never has a thought of anything more :han dressis?" " No. indeed, Miss i;iizzer. They also think of hats." Opportunity. or the " Aba '." v an What of if might glless. eiy. " am I w hat of it ?" l'.lcss vour soul! The f.ol never got married again, you Soni.'t'mi s we wonder le w big man who run-- amuck l.-iausi h. about what a sliain i: is I i go to If a man Ins n i i dering w h.i his w.t, th. r cause f W ou'd i he. s a pension the Jury will vote to the first is compelled to hsten to women talking ar.l dubs and bother with dressmakers j. ., ,'iisy he will get that way from won for h. r second husband. YOUTHFUL DIPLOMACY. "Do you think it Uill bite?" "I don't knot!. I'm afraid." "Let's get Freddie Jones to come over and play vith the dog and see," The Helpful Lesson of the Artificial Egg. Once there was a man who startled th world with a prosptetus setting forth that he was going to discover a way to manu facture artificial ggs We offered stock lii bis schi me. and he talkid a great dial al.-ut it. and evi rybody within biaring knew that I.e was going to make an artificial i gg as soon as he dis covered the nidus op. randi. II- sold so much stock that he had to go away to rtst fr.-m th. effort of promoting I. is venture, and he Is still resting. Along this same line of thought: A few davs ago we saw a la n come around tin coiner of the house. She was sending up about as livi ly u cadei.za of cut-cut-cut-dah-cuts as we ever heard. " How a hen cackKs!" muttered an inno cent bystander Hut we kntw well inough to have made a bei to that ffict that there was an , gg in the nest. However, the I i n m ver goes away to rest. Moral: Cackle first. Curiosity and ca-h go hand in hand. ANo. if you hitch your wagon to a star you can al ways get horse feed. Superlatively So. " And so you tried living the simple life?" we say to the once enthusiastic lady who had J dnid the colony of tent dwell ers far from ti e mad ding crowd, also far from ice chests, tele phoin s. mail arrlers. shops, and other an noyances of civiliza tion. "I did." the re sponds. tcri ly. " And was it sim ple?" " S.n pit ? It waa perfectly idiotic!" HONEST SALESMAN. The Fitness of Things,. Ion t do that. James." savs the proprietor of the soda fountain. 'Don't do what, sir?" asks the a' t. -inlaid. 1 Kon't put that straw in that glass of lemon phosphate." Hut why not? We always do." ' After you've been in the business a while you'll b urn a few of the important details. The lady w ho is to have that phos p hi 1 i is a grass Widow." Wo can unib rstand how anybody could ii.v ' nt a bn akfast food, hut we always Woinl. r at tin- ing' -nuity nl the man who lnvi nts a new name for otn . Il is aigutd thai everybody does at h ast oi.i tool thing a day. v i- si . no in -ccssity for establish ing a tlx. d a v i i age. A i Ii I I utitliropisl, child, is a man w hose adiln ss ;s oft. m si asked lor In the quit y column. It bi i ms to us that about all thi fun tin i is in a nice, vw 11 ki pt . airy house and lawn is ci.jojed by folks w ho drive by and look at it. It is i stiinat. d that '' is hi.i k i is spent an i.uallv for si k l.i'M, i y by women who fear that tin y may hgui In a win k. Bollie pi ople laugh at li .it- a .. In p " ' I v but th. ii Is m ldoin anyth.ng funi.y about it. Hi i 'This gown," said the salesman, "is priced at $235. It is a duplicate of the one made for Mrs. Roxenstox." After the delighted customer had paid tor the gown and gone, he explained to his conscience: " Of course she might have understood tnat I meant that the price is a duplicate of the one made fur Mrs. Roxenstox." V i f" lr ; J -4f v -A i'l ) v &j mmi'V' :vy . V.. "Maybe you had belter not ask papa today. Percy I'azipp asked liint if he might propose to mc last night and papa kicked Percy and hurt his foot so badly that he can scarcely move today." "Ah, darling; I must ask him this very day. I cannot wait tonger to know my fate."