A c .1 il' a! f nx
n v. r . !: v ,. l.alf
tl.a t 1 ;i r I -j- wo
! t j r . I i r ' wlrt as
nv ' i- Is g'l'.d for
ni-
S !i J ', : .'.o.'t
1.. 1. . .! 'I".
I ' ! i ' h : ,1
r ' v ', . .. w t in
l; ii-.. ''. ! I-:. ' v .f
tl. M c s
f7? Top the Mornin
FF. D.ftesbit.
Stauncli In the Faith.
"Tor you. Miss Theeiy." said the g ntle
tii.ni mod. mi-. "I should suggest a fall cos-
t U III of OXH.umI i-ll. Vlill. You fin uld IlliVe
lift of mutt mi slirviM ii ml ,i p.uk pic hat. of
c. 'in.-'i -"
Quite So.
.S W- 11-, If Ml- 111- ... T til. S. til S-
h. l .1: i s h.s 1 1....K ii:" . . I ..-, ly
.1'. ill h iu .ni.l ih. I'fiiui ss Va
1 slridd- is My
" H" I t i i . d' .-. i- I,, art ," nmr
ii. i- S. i i ;. i n . . " l :.
I'l , Xl si- ! tiuh' ,.!t:i i.ll. I
u '' ' s M ,i . ! i I i T I I .Illy t.l
In l.l:. d . ' i :h d. nst
O. JOY.
An. Alphabet
" 1 1. m v -Ii tr si; '"
lil I? I., i! i.t tr.-m.
I h i vi' lus- I " ii i 1.
r . I i illll'd. " (
k pie'' Nt . i
1 m rli'UI)' ol III.
of JoKes
B
.11 W VIP
: T , m.
" t'." Mths I h. in, i s
ku, r. ;!1 t.. S' i l. s , ti,. , i
i
al
60
II 1 ". ..C.'i"' . .
z
r
i
V 1
STANDS for Zero frigid spot
That we view, sighing, when lt'i hot.
'Twas the late Mr. Fahrenheit
Who figured Zero ont one night;
He sought a symbol for what we
Would want, and then not want to see;
In summer time we sadly sigh
That it might top the mercury,
In winter time we sometimes swear
Because the mercury is there.
And then, again, this Is the truth:
The Zero mark suggests the youth
Who boasts his worth, and says, " You bet;
You'll see, I'll cut a figure yet."
Alas! Oft luck and fate combine
To make him ont a Zero sign.
new vegetal i.in i bib."
A Paradox.
Aparadoit Here let me atate
At that t do not nee a to itueis :
It it t girl who'i up-to-date
Became aba wean old faahloned areit.
In the Gloaming.
" Wlin w m Mint;..?" asks the man with tin
dltVOlll 11 tod VV lll.-kcl s.
' Mingo?" npi iils the man with the canti-lev-t
r huso. "Mingo? Seems to mf Ie
In-. ml tin- ii.iiiu l i t. m- hut I can't place it
at this moment. Why do y..u ask?"
" Went to a concert last night, and some
our si in.- i f ru aholit ' In tin- Glow, Mingo.
My Darling.' "
Watered.
"Mow nun Ii lolling stovk, h.ivi- ynu?" asks
1 ho possible investor of the pi emoter of the
Vuk.'ii A: Ypsil.niti railway.
' Hulling stmk?" nplies tho piomoter.
Wo haven't jjil ah iik '.hat fal yet. We'll'
l'U.-y h. aiding out tho limiting stock just at
jitrsent."
d
v t '
i t. . l: i'l: 11
it
a beastly bore u
" Don't you find
talk to some peojili
"Yes; or to listen to other's."
Mil Ills uln.'iry i .s:. s-.n.ssui-i.niml.
d ly ..ii ;nv,.l.i i. ...
" -nd thou si . .: K. st riflr w. 11
H i 1 ' ' I i , ' ! . I . S - . " 1 :.lt - f.'Tl.
tin f'.urt .1. si. r.
" 1 1 " ll" . s ;l r . Il .' " d. Ill ituls
S,v ;... ii Wi:
" Tis t 1 U' . V 1 1 ..tit kll'.ull' . ih it
tlr.s i.sil. is sun . i, mli d l.v , n in
visiMi. four," iiu.'th I.'. 'ii. ih. i . ui i
1. .-ii r
" Knmiis' ih. hi what il is" '
asks S,r flow ..-I Wit ye.
"Am. truly "
" Tilt 11 s.. ak. s.I rah "
" 1 1 :s tin a t in 's la i ' "
Th. t.rii-ull.s t is. s ,:h a ronn
and ih. h... fs ,,f our s'. ,is I.. ,.i
ll"!l..w m fr.lns as . atiit.l, ,,v. r
tin- di a In aim'
Wo lan. y it
1 1. h r that a 1..I
as to ho so ri. h
intl to u t oii I
must l. al'iiut as
f t" opli' up' alu a
that a hit r ji. o.lo
'iplit't th. in.
i ctira v 1 1 n i; i In- s.i
i trvitii; to ui.hft ynu
would always ho try-
ivaii;
n
f
I'
Her Aeditations.
Noblcy" Campaign of Education.
or ."..no- time N,.,'i 1 .i-i.ir.iti d with his w if s lndirT-Ti-nca-
hs ti. L-iaiiuiiili.il i . u.-irui. lo n .f lor - i:t. u.os. I'flin he had spokiti
Krt ll. to lor ul. ir ;t. only Wo In- I iuIu d at an a crank. At last he had
il. i id. d t.. : 1 1 1 p 1 1 1 j . i a i . f . a in
"That was an hv. f.i a, rid, in in Mem his." Mrs Nnldcy said, after
Klnti'-ir-K "V-r tin ..ir. " , Irti,. ,y with a tmrso four years old was
run "Vi r l.v a stni t car and "
"Serves itn riKhi." Nohlcy ihclaied. "Any parents that would trust
thiir child with a
tuns, four years old
me not entitled to any
Bynipathy."
It was the child
that was four. ' Mrs.
Nohh stat. d.
" But you said ' a
nurse four yi are
old.' "
Mi s. Nobley smih d.
and resumed r ading
t h e j.aper. N'ohli y
sinilid. also, and con
tin u e d pulling Ids
cifiar. After some tuo
tiutiU his wile spoke:
"Ih i i s a roinant ic
story. It shows that
the world is not so
in a t e r ialistic as is
clainu d. A poor girl
In Denver who was
fatuous for her beauty
was employi d as a
cloak model In a store
and was seen by a
man w ho fell in lov c
with her with a for
tune in his own right
who went to the store
to buy a cloak lor his
aK d mother "
" Stop riKht tln re.
Why did the fortune
In his own riwht tn to
the store to buy a
cloak for his u. d
mother?''
" I refuse to talk
with you any more."
And she didn't, that
evening, but the tn xt
mm niiih' she told hliu:
" Yesterday there
was a man came here
to put in th. window
AS TO THE GOOD OLD TIMES.
'Shall 17" or "Shall I not? " she muses:
Her eyes are dreamful, and she sighs
The sigh of the fair maid who chooses
The path in which her future lies.
I will," she says, then, hesitating,
She says : "I won't," as women do
When they are deeply cogitating
Upon Ihe course they should pursue.
Ah, no. indeed, 'tis not a lover
Before whose plea each eyelid droops
She's only seeking to discover
It this next tall she should wear hoops I
screens with n bald head and "
" I will stand f..r Kreat deal, but I'll be hanged If I'll have any bald
headed window screens on my house." Nobley declared.
Mrs. Nobley meditated for a moment, then his meaning flashed upon her.
She smiled sweetly and remarked, measuredly :
" Mow much attention do you suppose ought to be paid by a w ife to her
husband s advice who has I ad hut one hat In two years, and who Is mar
ried to a man who novi r ev.-n Lrlnus h. r a box of candy on her birrthday
worth fifty cents? Now. Alfred Itlitters Nobley. you can figure that out
for yourself, whether it is In r husband or his advice that has had one new
hat In two years and whether her birthday is worth fifty cents or not worth
rinumbei Int "
Why the Man's Single.
Once there was a widower wlm bad begun to sii up and take notice again,
but In fore he t-et forth upon his campaign f"r Number Two he lit Id nun
muni in with himself, and said:
" Now, I'm going to profit by my previous experience. This time, while
1 am wooing the fair young miss, 1 shall do nothing and say nothing that
will make me feel like u silly ass when my wife reminds me of it in
after yeais. I'll
carry on a safi,
sato' and const I va
tive courtship."
S.I I.e spl UI'ed UP
a bit, l ad his beard
shavt d off. his hair
trim med neatly,
got a new cravat
and some high c.i'.
la rs. and sallied
forth among ' m.
And he sunk to
his resolution.
No mattt r In i t
he w as or w h. h
was wooing poor
girl or h e I r e s s .
bl.ir.de or brunei w-.
spiet.ui.d wisdom
dimpled viv.uitv. In the moonlight, in the shadow, on the links or over
iffee cups, he i.i v it, never, never said or did a silly thing.
Little Henry's Slate.
r
r j
The good old times were not, I wis,
5 Entirely good enough
A The collars would prevent a kiss, N
Ruffs made the old times rough.
No Happiness lor Hint.
I he l'.mmi ni H former, h
1:. ! ..tld h.iv nig h. iii to h. av
is iniuh: h.iv . b. , n , Xpi , :, ,1
on.' vv ho by pi , ,'. j,t ,,,,, , N.
in, pie and i in ina, u.- . r i-
i y li .d sii i vi n (,. I, ...i ii,,.
n : 1,1 in!.. 1 1.. i iuin 1 1 i
h. I aniin nt K, f.. ii., r. w
s.iy. having g.m. t,. h. ,iv . n.
i,,l not s i i in to b. p.Tf. cMy
h i ppy ov r i h. , b .,11,.
II. spi nt m .st ..I h.s linn
sii ; ing about n d.ly. si ., n
ning th. h.,1,,, s f..r p, ss:l 1.
si .. i Ks of 1 1, -t and list, pang t
In ar a discord, if l!nr. Peia.. ., il ev
Al last an :it.g.. t'.it?. ! .1 up ! him
" You do not s. . ni t,. be i njov irg v ..
Now, Sir Ouwan Witye was but just returned from a
loug campaign wherein he had wrought marvelous deeds
of derring doe, and his fair wife greeted him at the gate
with a happy smile.
"See," said Sir Gowan Witye, "I bave won this
golden helmet with the bright white plumes for valor.
It was given me with his own hand by our gracions
king. Art not glad, wile?"
"Aye, verily I am glad," replied the Lady Gowan
Witye. "Have I not been shopping this whole week to
get plumes like unto these for my new bonnet and
found them not T Now I can use these that thou hast
won."
1 hat s j.ist trouble. Then
cliain e for me to start a reform vva
thr music w i!h the air of a man who is drtrrtnltieii to
ii in i so fail t
t.d tni.rniur.'d
s. ,f What is wrong" "
inv thing wrong There isn't the slightest
boat.
oi mi ;i n .
halo a
berry pie for me, and didn't I break a tooth on a seed I found
sn t
h. f '
A ROCK FOR A STONE.
"Quit that'" mt.'.iim the wif. ..f the man, whin he begins rocking thp
never thought 1 wis marred to a i K-tbe boat idiot."
You're not. Maria," ixplaun d the man. carinstly. " I in simply paying you In your
ow n coin "
" W Ii it .1
" Ihdn't ;
in II n "
" Vi s. but - "
" Wi II, if h. n after you'll stone the chi rri. s I'll not rock the boat."
'ut the vvri ti h. il woman, realizing that she was link, d for life to a punster, began
rocking the boat herself ill desp. rai hui.
Good Intentions.
" Thah was a fellow down heah." sas mil til. n.l '... Illuddangonh of Tennessee,
" thah was a Ii How down In ah last siimini h. sub. wlm was the must remahkable instance
of good int. ii t i. n is gone wrong, sub. that I eveh saw. sub."
" Yes." we murmur, in. i a l.v lo give him tune to gather breath.
" Yes, suh. II,. was one of ih.se puss-ops who are foluveh afraid that they will fail
in some small pa lit uula h, sub. of the customs and hi nun lis of whatevih paht of the
country they may be In. And s... sub. In- was very anxious not tn give offense while
amongst us, sub. A congenial pahly was assembled in one of .mall clubs, and some pus
son proposed drinks, and what does this Strang, h do but study full a moment In the
eli'oht to think i f some drink that would be pei ninthly appropriate to this iieighb.rhixid."
"Couldn't think of a Jul. p" " we asked. '
" Wuss'n that, sub. The naclnil holm fool lowed he'd take a cotton gin! "
Recognized the Method.
The victim of the holdup men has been resuscitated, and, after giving his name and
ad. In ss, Is asked what Is his business.
"I am a summer resort pi ..prielor," he says, feebly, "and my assailants got the
i utile profits of my season."
" Ib.l y.m observe them closely enough to give us a description of them?"
"No. sn, but from the rapidity with w lib h they cleaned me out 1 am forced to he
li. ve that they must at one time or another have been connected with my line of business."
Gross Dereliction.
" I hear that the proprietors of the Whoopla Magazine discharged their editor In chief
ast vvi.k," ,-avs the hist literary agent.
" Yes. h i him go on a liniment's notice," replies the second literary agent.
"What was the trouble? 1 litference of opinion?"
"No. Worse than that. lie let the magazine go to press without having pictures of
the Housevclt faJiuly and of John I). Hockefeller in it."
HE IN 12 wj .
"Mr lllumiiif, are you one if ilnse men who think woman never has a thought of
anything more :han dressis?"
" No. indeed, Miss i;iizzer. They also think of hats."
Opportunity.
or
the
" Aba '." v an
What of if
might glless.
eiy. " am I w hat of it ?"
l'.lcss vour soul! The
f.ol never got married again, you
Soni.'t'mi s we wonder le w big
man who run-- amuck l.-iausi h.
about what a sliain i: is I i go to
If a man Ins n i i
dering w h.i his w.t,
th. r cause f
W ou'd i he. s
a pension the Jury will vote to the first
is compelled to hsten to women talking
ar.l dubs and bother with dressmakers
j. ., ,'iisy he will get that way from won
for h. r second husband.
YOUTHFUL DIPLOMACY.
"Do you think it Uill bite?"
"I don't knot!. I'm afraid."
"Let's get Freddie Jones to come over and play vith
the dog and see,"
The Helpful Lesson of the Artificial Egg.
Once there was a man who startled th
world with a prosptetus setting forth that
he was going to discover a way to manu
facture artificial ggs
We offered stock lii bis schi me. and he
talkid a great dial al.-ut it. and evi rybody
within biaring knew that I.e was going to
make an artificial i gg as soon as he dis
covered the nidus op. randi.
II- sold so much stock that he had to go
away to rtst fr.-m th. effort of promoting
I. is venture, and he Is still resting.
Along this same line of thought: A few
davs ago we saw a la n come around tin
coiner of the house. She was sending up
about as livi ly u cadei.za of cut-cut-cut-dah-cuts
as we ever heard.
" How a hen cackKs!" muttered an inno
cent bystander
Hut we kntw well inough to have made a
bei to that ffict that there was an , gg in
the nest.
However, the I i n m ver goes away to rest.
Moral: Cackle first. Curiosity and ca-h go
hand in hand. ANo. if
you hitch your wagon
to a star you can al
ways get horse feed.
Superlatively So.
" And so you tried
living the simple
life?" we say to the
once enthusiastic lady
who had J dnid the
colony of tent dwell
ers far from ti e mad
ding crowd, also far
from ice chests, tele
phoin s. mail arrlers.
shops, and other an
noyances of civiliza
tion. "I did." the re
sponds. tcri ly.
" And was it sim
ple?" " S.n pit ? It waa
perfectly idiotic!"
HONEST SALESMAN.
The Fitness of Things,.
Ion t do that. James." savs the proprietor of the soda fountain.
'Don't do what, sir?" asks the a' t. -inlaid.
1 Kon't put that straw in that glass of lemon phosphate."
Hut why not? We always do."
' After you've been in the business a while you'll b urn a few of the important
details. The lady w ho
is to have that phos
p hi 1 i is a grass
Widow."
Wo can unib rstand
how anybody could
ii.v ' nt a bn akfast
food, hut we always
Woinl. r at tin- ing' -nuity
nl the man who
lnvi nts a new name
for otn .
Il is aigutd thai
everybody does at
h ast oi.i tool thing a
day. v i- si . no in -ccssity
for establish
ing a tlx. d a v i i age.
A i Ii I I utitliropisl,
child, is a man w hose
adiln ss ;s oft. m si
asked lor In the quit y
column.
It bi i ms to us that
about all thi fun tin i
is in a nice, vw 11 ki pt .
airy house and lawn
is ci.jojed by folks
w ho drive by and look
at it.
It is i stiinat. d that
'' is hi.i k i is spent an
i.uallv for si k l.i'M, i y
by women who fear
that tin y may hgui
In a win k.
Bollie pi ople laugh
at li .it- a .. In p " ' I v
but th. ii Is m ldoin
anyth.ng funi.y about
it.
Hi i
'This gown," said the salesman, "is
priced at $235. It is a duplicate of the one
made for Mrs. Roxenstox."
After the delighted customer had paid
tor the gown and gone, he explained to
his conscience:
" Of course she might have understood
tnat I meant that the price is a duplicate
of the one made fur Mrs. Roxenstox."
V i f" lr ; J -4f v
-A i'l ) v &j
mmi'V' :vy
. V..
"Maybe you had belter not ask papa today. Percy I'azipp
asked liint if he might propose to mc last night and papa kicked
Percy and hurt his foot so badly that he can scarcely move today."
"Ah, darling; I must ask him this very day. I cannot wait
tonger to know my fate."
