Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 29, 1905)
You can come
pretty near to fudg
ing a man's past
by what be team In
We have man'ed
many an hour 11'
tenlng to ome one
dilate upon the
flight of time.
The Top o' the Mornin By W. O. jNesbit.
SHIFTING THE RESPONSIBILITY.
aaaaaaaaw rmaMaaa&' fjj T HfP
l fw MM
'!4 (if -
"Missus Blumpers says she isn't to home, mum."
" Isn't at home? I don't believe it."
"That's between you an her, mum. Thanking you
kindly, mum. - Was there any other word you wished
HE WON HER.
Harold Montmorency de nackensack," said the haughty damsel, after Harold had
poured forth his burning words of affection,' and had made many extravagant promises,
such as that her life would be one grand, sweet song, that her lily white hand should never
feel a burden, and that her damask cheek should never be suffered to grow pale through
care, "Harold Montmorency do Hackcnsack, I don't believe a word you say."
"Intelligent girl," answered Harold, thinking quickly and arising to his feet. "In
I am overjoyed to
learn that you are too
sensible to put any
credence in the wild
romancing of an
adorer. My one wish
Is to have Just such
a sensible, cool headed
wife. Will you be
Happy because at
last she had met a
man who appreciated
her mental endow
ment as It should be
she dropped her head
upon his shoulder and
authorized him to ne
gotiate with a minister.
THE NEW KNIGHT.
A mort! A mort !" cried the Knitrht of the
Ebon Garb, riding lustily toward the strange
knight who had entered the lists.
"Mort?" yelled the strange knight. "Mort?
Come on, you hodcarrier I"
over yonder? '
I " See that distln-
Kuixnt-u loomiig man
nsks the host, Indicating a proud person who has lust entered
" Yes. You mean the man who walks as if he were afraid he would spill some laurels
off his head?" asks the guest
"That's the man. That's Duzzlt, the great song writer."
" I never heard of him. Are his songs popular?"
" Not yet But he Is the only man who ever succeeded in writing a sea song without
referring to the ocean as the ' briny deep.' "
MISSED THE CHANCE.
" There hasn't been much change In the town." said the man who had gone away some
years ago and had returned for a visit.
The native looked at him and nodded agreement.
Not much change," continued the returned one, drawing himself up with a proud air
"X should naturally have expected to see more change here."
"Well. Joe," said the native. " there hasn't been as much change as there might have
been. You went away owin' me eighty-live cents, an' of course that's been kent out of
the town ever since."
When Waff was but a little boy
his papa's pride, bis mama's fo
He sat beside the kitchen lire
The bubbling teapot to admire;
And as be watched the hissing steam
he stnightway then began to dream
Of what the vapor hot could do
II how to use it he but knew.
Eventually be devised
A Beat invention which surprised
The people ot that earty day
He made in engine, anyway.
This poor contrivance he Improved
Until by it great loads were moved
And horses were displaced by rails.
Vtbile sidewbeels took the place of sails.
Observe, my child, bow one small thing
A wondrous lot of change will bring :
Because wise little Jimmy Watt
Could turn to some account bis thought.
Today the trains go whining through
The land, and o'er the ocean blue
The mighty ships scoot night and day
ficm here to countries tat away.
Great thanks are due to this lames Watt.
Also to his mama's teapot.
Br porters who on every trip
Hold up the tourist lor a tip.
And also by that mighty mass
Ot folks who travel on a pass,
And by the ones who rake In rocks
Through squeezes that they work In stocks.
But that It would like punning seem
We d say Watt has the world's esteam
(But since we've said it that way now
We'll let the pun go, anyhow.)
But, somehow, when we chance to stop
Beside some busy boiler shop.
We cannot say that peace was brought
To all ot us by limmy Watt.
8o many things de
pend upon a proper
combination of clr
curntsncei alo up
on who can work the
I praising done by
The man who says
life is a joke usually
banks a great deal on
his own sense of
The first step In
liumnr Is to don the
rap and bells; the sec
ond step ia to discard
It la hard to under
stand woman, because
she always says her
thing when her
mouth Is full of hair
pins. Some men are crab
bed enough to berate
women for running to
bargain sales, but
other men are wise
enough to get ub the
" No, we cannot ex
actly claim that one
of our ancestors
signed the declaration
of Independence." says the first man. " but he
was present when the document was drawn up.
"Then why didn't he sign it?" asks the lis
tener. " Why, you see, he had Just purchased a gold
brick from a clever traveler who was assisted by
two Indiana in the woods, and he had, the day
before, been taken down to the harbor in Phila
delphia to see the hole where the explosion was,
snd he was In such a resentful state of mind
that he was afraid the declaration would later
turn out to be a promissory note of some kind.
But for that our family would have had more
The door of the palace is assailed by a suc
cession of Impetuous knocks. The warder peers
" What is It? Who knocks, sirrah?" calls the
king from an upper chamber.
" 'Tie the purveyor of crown Jewelry, sire,"
answers the warder. " He says the last Instal
ment is two days overdue."
"Alas," muses the king, going to his treasure
chest, " how true it is that uneasy rests the
head that wears a crown."
"Ha!" cries the rejected lover. "You spurn
meh! Then, farewell. 1 shall leave tills valo
So?" smiles the hard hearted maiden. ' U ill
you try poison or a pistol?"
' Neyether," responds our hero, for he is a
cultured person, and never forgets his style even
in moments of great stress. " Neyether See.
Here is an excursion ticket over the Rip. Rao
at Wreck railway. I shall board the train at
He hastens out, and the damsel, numb w tU
dread, swoons on the tesselated floor.
"Old Blunderby Insists on fishing for l.ass in
that pond In the abandoned stone quarry." aid
Ike Walton. " I've demonstrated to him time
and again that bass cannot be found there, but
still he sticks to his notion."
"Ah." observed the schoolmaster, "that is
an obtuse angle, and It is hard to show the point
In that case."
l$a id 'V
"My husband says he doesn't see any
sense in our buying spring dresses the last
"But, my dear woman, what are we to do
when they are on sale at that time ? "
RECIPE FOR NONSENSE VERSE.
If nomenie verte you with to write,
You must obtain a flibbet
And mix it with a mlllgrlmlt
Also with ont gebrlbbet.
Upon the whole pour whimwham Juice
And stir it withajuju
Then boll it down but what's ths use
Unlets you hive a smoojut
You tie ll this upon a grsrk
And beat It with a blngso
(It's belt to do this after dark
If you're inclined to sing so.)
Bang all upon the Jee Jee tree
Where bim bam birdiett carol,
Then nail It on a bungalee
And roll it in a barrel.
Mow, write It with a tcriggled pen
Upon some ldjus paper,
And send It round and round again
That Is the proper caper.
Gadzooki! Why write nonsense verse
When no one seems to need it ?
Yet he who writes it is no worse
Than he who longs to read It.
Rut we have seen iots of
incidents whore impatience
was a hrlpfui virtue.
Cher .i'! Though
may not p.i.-.-e?s a nolle
brow or an intelligent
countenance or a superb
pti).,'iie tvr your friends
to talk ai' in, no doubt
cunieune sume here is say
ing thai ) uu have a, love.y
Human n.uire is the
.irn- n every ono. The
: i 'I 'lifTi rtnee lel '. en m
d vi lua, s is tii it ; jut
heavier than others
The bonnet strir.R at
tracts the youth. Later
"ii It becomes the apron
uiiig that fasti r.s him.
When a wman won't
eh- wor.'t but that Im t
" t he end on't." Later slut
vv.inti a chance to ex
plain why the did. after
Nothing lint a wooden
figure would emu such
hum ir as is deait out in a
ventriloqjist s perfor
mance. P me word painters em
to f irget that ther ujght
to have a good canvas u
a foundation for their pic
tures. a Husband, anxious In
quiri r, is a man w ho reads
the Household Hints col
umn; while A Wife is a
woman who perjses the
articles on what love real
ly is or uognt to be.
Because w e w ill not keep
what fortune gives us, we
say she is tickle.
Occasionally, instead of
setting a good example to
our neighbors, it is well to
set a good example to our
We are inclined to be
lieve that preachers be
come popular by s-aying
"one w-id moie," and
Miik,n to it.
j. B t f-iVi aTm rnsriii
The Knowledgous Book Agent.
He was a dapper, well-groomed individual,
rlth a Van Dyke beard and a prosperous air, and
he entered the private office confidently. Once
In, he drew from beneath his overcoat a flat
package containing a prospectus.
" Mr. Rushem?" he asked of the man at the
" Yes, sir. What can I do for you?"
" Your friend, Mr. Candelpower, asked me to
call on you."
"O, Candelpower? Sit down." Mr. Rushem's
expression became pleasant " Candelpower's a
good fellow. Glad you know him."
Yea sir. He's a splendid fellow. He told me
that he knew you would be Interested in my proposition, and
that he sincerely wished you to become the possessor of a
set of the" opening his prospectus" the Condensed Wisdom
o All Ages, in ninety-two volumes and four appendixes, with
two volumes of index, and "
"Well, I don't want it," Rushem replied, turning to hU
desk with an Irritated air.
" The Illustrations are reproductions of the greatest works
of the old masters, and "
" You are very kind, but you are wasting your time. I
really do not want the work."
It is a valuable addition to any library, a mine of knowl
edge for young and old, containing, as it does, the crystallized
wisdom of all the monumental intellects of the centuries. It
will le found "
No use talking to me. I'm obliged to you. but really 1
don't want you to sacrifice your time. I don't want the
" May I ask why. Mr. Rushem?"
Here Ru-hem thought he had an inspiration. He knew
that the agent would overwhelm any reasonable excuse he
gave, so he said:
" Because I already have them."
Looking him In the eye, the solicitor said quietly:
" You must pardon me for doubting your word, sir."
Doubting my word? Why, what do you mean?"
" Because if you already had a set of this work in your
house you would have fired me out of the office as soon as I
And before Mr. Rushem had got through laughing he had
signed the little contract that the agent pushed toward him
wk P&TT$k yxrixMy'P'''-
"I mast congratulate yon on your engagement," said the first
sweet yonng thing. "I am so glad to have yon for a sister-in-law."
" But Mr. Toobe is not a brother of "
"Not exactly. I promised, however, that I would be a sister to
TRUE TO HIS ART.
Shakspcare, Romeo, and Juliet were ehiiU.nK on the banks of the rityx.
"Of course," said Juliet. " l was pei f. ctly adorable of you, Mr. Shakspeare, to write
that beautiful play about d. ar Borneo and me."
" Might g I of you, old fellow," agreed Romeo.
nB "ii. you do too much honor," protested Shakxpeare.
" A drainati.-t, you know, lias to secure his material wnerever
he can lind the best of It. I am glad, though, that you liked
"I did like it," asserted Juliet, "all except that laat act.
Why did you give It such a tragic: ending?"
"Well," Phakspeiire repllod, earnestly. "I was deter
mined that nobody ever should have a chance to make a comic
opera of It."
"Yes, she Is simply disappointed In matrimony
Has ber husband lelt ber ? "
"No. He hasn't."
LITTLE HENRY'S SLATE.
."-VS. JSL '"- i
A Salty Statement
An Amplified Comment.
" You are a peach!" he sighed, but ths
Tossed haughtily her pretty head
And treated him so tartly, he
Grieved : " Pickled peach, I should have
We rsad the comic valentines
Which bear the crude and caustic lines,
And think of folks both near and far
And murmur then : " How true
"Women," said the dreamy Individual, "give variety to
the world; and variety ia the spice of existence."
" Huh " said the man who was paying alimony in four
states, " sometimes they make things too peppery."
" Although you have not amassed worldly wealth." we say
to the Old Inhabitant, "you have grown rirh in experience."
"Experience doesn't help me," he r plies. " Nobody will
let me draw on my experience any more. Everybody says
he's heard the stories before."
" How did Joe M .ii -Nui'b get such a reputation for know
ing all about games .,f chance? He never plays cards."
"He fuji'i ,ed, d in m.ikiiiK pei, pie think hex the greatest
since Movie by always luuirnlng long and loudly whenever the
comedian in the play got off a Joke about poker."
FABLE OF THE FATUOUS FROG.
In the millennium, doubtless, there will be reform waves
that will roll after election day ia past.
" Did you read that article In the paper about the man
who sent all the way to the Arctic regions to catch a couple
of fleas? " asked Migglebury.
" No. But I know how he felt," answered Padoogus.
" Many a time I've got so mad at them I'd have chased them
a million miles but what I'd run them down."
While the constant dropping of water will wear away the
stone, a swift lick with a hammer will also perform the tak.
Tears are to woman what swear words are to man.
" Yea," says the convalescent, " I took a special course
of treatment from Dr. Chargeni."
" Did he do you good?"
"Io me good? Do me? You ought to have seen his
dome preacher ought to deliver a sermon which would hit
only the man who kits and listens to the minister with the
view of detecting how many others the sermon la Mimed at.
Chere Was Once a Fatuous Frog. Which had an Insatiable Ambition to Mingle in High
Society. So it sent out Invitations to a Large Number of Guests, ignoring utterly its Oton Set.
Che first Guests to arrive Were the SWans.
" What is to be the Chief Attraction ? " ased the First SWan.
"A Dinner for You." answered the Fatuous Frog.
"HoW sWeet of You," commented the Swan, gobbling Him doWn. "It is the Height of
Politeness to Sacrifice yourself for your Guests."
Moral: Allaps noW Why people Like You.
Powered by Open ONI