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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 29, 1905)
You can come pretty near to fudg ing a man's past by what be team In hit future. We have man'ed many an hour 11' tenlng to ome one dilate upon the flight of time. The Top o' the Mornin By W. O. jNesbit. SHIFTING THE RESPONSIBILITY. aaaaaaaaw rmaMaaa&' fjj T HfP l fw MM Iff '!4 (if - "Missus Blumpers says she isn't to home, mum." " Isn't at home? I don't believe it." "That's between you an her, mum. Thanking you kindly, mum. - Was there any other word you wished to leave?" HE WON HER. Harold Montmorency de nackensack," said the haughty damsel, after Harold had poured forth his burning words of affection,' and had made many extravagant promises, such as that her life would be one grand, sweet song, that her lily white hand should never feel a burden, and that her damask cheek should never be suffered to grow pale through care, "Harold Montmorency do Hackcnsack, I don't believe a word you say." "Intelligent girl," answered Harold, thinking quickly and arising to his feet. "In telligence personified! I am overjoyed to learn that you are too sensible to put any credence in the wild romancing of an adorer. My one wish Is to have Just such a sensible, cool headed wife. Will you be mine?" Happy because at last she had met a man who appreciated her mental endow ment as It should be she dropped her head upon his shoulder and authorized him to ne gotiate with a minister. THE NEW KNIGHT. A mort! A mort !" cried the Knitrht of the Ebon Garb, riding lustily toward the strange knight who had entered the lists. "Mort?" yelled the strange knight. "Mort? Come on, you hodcarrier I" over yonder? ' Distinction. I " See that distln- Kuixnt-u loomiig man nsks the host, Indicating a proud person who has lust entered " Yes. You mean the man who walks as if he were afraid he would spill some laurels off his head?" asks the guest "That's the man. That's Duzzlt, the great song writer." " I never heard of him. Are his songs popular?" " Not yet But he Is the only man who ever succeeded in writing a sea song without referring to the ocean as the ' briny deep.' " MISSED THE CHANCE. " There hasn't been much change In the town." said the man who had gone away some years ago and had returned for a visit. The native looked at him and nodded agreement. Not much change," continued the returned one, drawing himself up with a proud air "X should naturally have expected to see more change here." "Well. Joe," said the native. " there hasn't been as much change as there might have been. You went away owin' me eighty-live cents, an' of course that's been kent out of the town ever since." ran Alphabe EllpATT When Waff was but a little boy his papa's pride, bis mama's fo He sat beside the kitchen lire The bubbling teapot to admire; And as be watched the hissing steam he stnightway then began to dream Of what the vapor hot could do II how to use it he but knew. Eventually be devised A Beat invention which surprised The people ot that earty day He made in engine, anyway. This poor contrivance he Improved Until by it great loads were moved And horses were displaced by rails. Vtbile sidewbeels took the place of sails. Observe, my child, bow one small thing A wondrous lot of change will bring : Because wise little Jimmy Watt Could turn to some account bis thought. Today the trains go whining through The land, and o'er the ocean blue The mighty ships scoot night and day ficm here to countries tat away. Great thanks are due to this lames Watt. Also to his mama's teapot. Br porters who on every trip Hold up the tourist lor a tip. And also by that mighty mass Ot folks who travel on a pass, And by the ones who rake In rocks Through squeezes that they work In stocks. But that It would like punning seem We d say Watt has the world's esteam (But since we've said it that way now We'll let the pun go, anyhow.) But, somehow, when we chance to stop Beside some busy boiler shop. We cannot say that peace was brought To all ot us by limmy Watt. 8o many things de pend upon a proper combination of clr curntsncei alo up on who can work the combination. Flattery generally I praising done by request The man who says life is a joke usually banks a great deal on his own sense of humor. . The first step In liumnr Is to don the rap and bells; the sec ond step ia to discard them. It la hard to under stand woman, because she always says her most Impressive thing when her mouth Is full of hair pins. Some men are crab bed enough to berate women for running to bargain sales, but other men are wise enough to get ub the bargain sales. Cautions Anetttor. " No, we cannot ex actly claim that one of our ancestors signed the declaration of Independence." says the first man. " but he was present when the document was drawn up. "Then why didn't he sign it?" asks the lis tener. " Why, you see, he had Just purchased a gold brick from a clever traveler who was assisted by two Indiana in the woods, and he had, the day before, been taken down to the harbor in Phila delphia to see the hole where the explosion was, snd he was In such a resentful state of mind that he was afraid the declaration would later turn out to be a promissory note of some kind. But for that our family would have had more distinction." HOW TRUE. The door of the palace is assailed by a suc cession of Impetuous knocks. The warder peers cautiously forth. " What is It? Who knocks, sirrah?" calls the king from an upper chamber. " 'Tie the purveyor of crown Jewelry, sire," answers the warder. " He says the last Instal ment is two days overdue." "Alas," muses the king, going to his treasure chest, " how true it is that uneasy rests the head that wears a crown." 999 DESPERATE MAN. "Ha!" cries the rejected lover. "You spurn meh! Then, farewell. 1 shall leave tills valo of tears." So?" smiles the hard hearted maiden. ' U ill you try poison or a pistol?" ' Neyether," responds our hero, for he is a cultured person, and never forgets his style even in moments of great stress. " Neyether See. Here is an excursion ticket over the Rip. Rao at Wreck railway. I shall board the train at once." He hastens out, and the damsel, numb w tU dread, swoons on the tesselated floor. GEOMETRICALLY EXPLAINED. "Old Blunderby Insists on fishing for l.ass in that pond In the abandoned stone quarry." aid Ike Walton. " I've demonstrated to him time and again that bass cannot be found there, but still he sticks to his notion." "Ah." observed the schoolmaster, "that is an obtuse angle, and It is hard to show the point In that case." THE REASON. l$a id 'V "My husband says he doesn't see any sense in our buying spring dresses the last of January." "But, my dear woman, what are we to do when they are on sale at that time ? " RECIPE FOR NONSENSE VERSE. If nomenie verte you with to write, You must obtain a flibbet And mix it with a mlllgrlmlt Also with ont gebrlbbet. Upon the whole pour whimwham Juice And stir it withajuju Then boll it down but what's ths use Unlets you hive a smoojut You tie ll this upon a grsrk And beat It with a blngso (It's belt to do this after dark If you're inclined to sing so.) Bang all upon the Jee Jee tree Where bim bam birdiett carol, Then nail It on a bungalee And roll it in a barrel. Mow, write It with a tcriggled pen Upon some ldjus paper, And send It round and round again That Is the proper caper. Gadzooki! Why write nonsense verse When no one seems to need it ? Yet he who writes it is no worse Than he who longs to read It. Rut we have seen iots of incidents whore impatience was a hrlpfui virtue. Cher .i'! Though may not p.i.-.-e?s a nolle brow or an intelligent countenance or a superb pti).,'iie tvr your friends to talk ai' in, no doubt cunieune sume here is say ing thai ) uu have a, love.y Ui.u.-Uiun. Human n.uire is the .irn- n every ono. The : i 'I 'lifTi rtnee lel '. en m d vi lua, s is tii it ; jut heavier than others The bonnet strir.R at tracts the youth. Later "ii It becomes the apron uiiig that fasti r.s him. When a wman won't eh- wor.'t but that Im t " t he end on't." Later slut vv.inti a chance to ex plain why the did. after Hil. Nothing lint a wooden figure would emu such hum ir as is deait out in a ventriloqjist s perfor mance. P me word painters em to f irget that ther ujght to have a good canvas u a foundation for their pic tures. a Husband, anxious In quiri r, is a man w ho reads the Household Hints col umn; while A Wife is a woman who perjses the articles on what love real ly is or uognt to be. Because w e w ill not keep what fortune gives us, we say she is tickle. Occasionally, instead of setting a good example to our neighbors, it is well to set a good example to our selves. OS We are inclined to be lieve that preachers be come popular by s-aying "one w-id moie," and Miik,n to it. GETTING EVEN. 1 hr. j. B t f-iVi aTm rnsriii 33 The Knowledgous Book Agent. THE BRUTE. He was a dapper, well-groomed individual, rlth a Van Dyke beard and a prosperous air, and he entered the private office confidently. Once In, he drew from beneath his overcoat a flat package containing a prospectus. " Mr. Rushem?" he asked of the man at the mahogany desk. " Yes, sir. What can I do for you?" " Your friend, Mr. Candelpower, asked me to call on you." "O, Candelpower? Sit down." Mr. Rushem's expression became pleasant " Candelpower's a good fellow. Glad you know him." Yea sir. He's a splendid fellow. He told me that he knew you would be Interested in my proposition, and that he sincerely wished you to become the possessor of a set of the" opening his prospectus" the Condensed Wisdom o All Ages, in ninety-two volumes and four appendixes, with two volumes of index, and " "Well, I don't want it," Rushem replied, turning to hU desk with an Irritated air. " The Illustrations are reproductions of the greatest works of the old masters, and " " You are very kind, but you are wasting your time. I really do not want the work." It is a valuable addition to any library, a mine of knowl edge for young and old, containing, as it does, the crystallized wisdom of all the monumental intellects of the centuries. It will le found " No use talking to me. I'm obliged to you. but really 1 don't want you to sacrifice your time. I don't want the books." " May I ask why. Mr. Rushem?" Here Ru-hem thought he had an inspiration. He knew that the agent would overwhelm any reasonable excuse he gave, so he said: " Because I already have them." Looking him In the eye, the solicitor said quietly: " You must pardon me for doubting your word, sir." Doubting my word? Why, what do you mean?" " Because if you already had a set of this work in your house you would have fired me out of the office as soon as I came in." And before Mr. Rushem had got through laughing he had signed the little contract that the agent pushed toward him " wk P&TT$k yxrixMy'P'''- "I mast congratulate yon on your engagement," said the first sweet yonng thing. "I am so glad to have yon for a sister-in-law." " But Mr. Toobe is not a brother of " "Not exactly. I promised, however, that I would be a sister to him." TRUE TO HIS ART. Shakspcare, Romeo, and Juliet were ehiiU.nK on the banks of the rityx. "Of course," said Juliet. " l was pei f. ctly adorable of you, Mr. Shakspeare, to write that beautiful play about d. ar Borneo and me." " Might g I of you, old fellow," agreed Romeo. nB "ii. you do too much honor," protested Shakxpeare. " A drainati.-t, you know, lias to secure his material wnerever he can lind the best of It. I am glad, though, that you liked the show." "I did like it," asserted Juliet, "all except that laat act. Why did you give It such a tragic: ending?" "Well," Phakspeiire repllod, earnestly. "I was deter mined that nobody ever should have a chance to make a comic opera of It." "Yes, she Is simply disappointed In matrimony Has ber husband lelt ber ? " "No. He hasn't." LITTLE HENRY'S SLATE. r r r f f a ."-VS. JSL '"- i i s j j j A Salty Statement An Amplified Comment. " You are a peach!" he sighed, but ths Tossed haughtily her pretty head And treated him so tartly, he Grieved : " Pickled peach, I should have said." Always. We rsad the comic valentines Which bear the crude and caustic lines, And think of folks both near and far And murmur then : " How true they are!" "Women," said the dreamy Individual, "give variety to the world; and variety ia the spice of existence." " Huh " said the man who was paying alimony in four states, " sometimes they make things too peppery." Account Overdrawn. " Although you have not amassed worldly wealth." we say to the Old Inhabitant, "you have grown rirh in experience." "Experience doesn't help me," he r plies. " Nobody will let me draw on my experience any more. Everybody says he's heard the stories before." Inexpensive Way. " How did Joe M .ii -Nui'b get such a reputation for know ing all about games .,f chance? He never plays cards." "He fuji'i ,ed, d in m.ikiiiK pei, pie think hex the greatest since Movie by always luuirnlng long and loudly whenever the comedian in the play got off a Joke about poker." FABLE OF THE FATUOUS FROG. In the millennium, doubtless, there will be reform waves that will roll after election day ia past. DESPERATION. " Did you read that article In the paper about the man who sent all the way to the Arctic regions to catch a couple of fleas? " asked Migglebury. " No. But I know how he felt," answered Padoogus. " Many a time I've got so mad at them I'd have chased them a million miles but what I'd run them down." While the constant dropping of water will wear away the stone, a swift lick with a hammer will also perform the tak. Tears are to woman what swear words are to man. Did Him. " Yea," says the convalescent, " I took a special course of treatment from Dr. Chargeni." " Did he do you good?" "Io me good? Do me? You ought to have seen his bill." dome preacher ought to deliver a sermon which would hit only the man who kits and listens to the minister with the view of detecting how many others the sermon la Mimed at. Chere Was Once a Fatuous Frog. Which had an Insatiable Ambition to Mingle in High Society. So it sent out Invitations to a Large Number of Guests, ignoring utterly its Oton Set. Che first Guests to arrive Were the SWans. " What is to be the Chief Attraction ? " ased the First SWan. "A Dinner for You." answered the Fatuous Frog. "HoW sWeet of You," commented the Swan, gobbling Him doWn. "It is the Height of Politeness to Sacrifice yourself for your Guests." Moral: Allaps noW Why people Like You.