Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (July 3, 1904)
A r 6 n t o She Wan Walchlnir. IIEIIK la a man up on Capitol Mil who Hups with a number of oM college chums two or three times a year, and usually after one of these suppers, ho Is fit to roost With boiled owls. The last gathering of the clan was about a fortnight ago, and before Mr. well, we'll call Mm Jenlts-set out for it he promised Mrs. Jenks solemnly that no matter what the o'l.ers did, he would drink nothing but cha!g. .1 water and lemonade. Mr. Jenlts came home about 2 o'clock, walking very carefully and se dately. Mrs. Jenks wits awake, and she turned up the Kas as he came in. "Ar you sure you didn't drink too tnuch?" she asked. "You hurt me when you speak liks that," said Mr. Jenks. somewhat indis tli ctly. "I had only two small drinks." Mrs. Jenks lay back on her pillow, re garding Mm. I'nder her gaze, he was most careful to bestow all his belongings to th' ir proper plans, ills feelings were hurt and he was ilett-rmined to show his wife how unjust her suspicions were. lie wis standing at the stationary wa wh et and In the corner of the room when she ppoke again, ami It was not so much the matter as the manner of her words that cut. "Charles," she said, "you might as well stop trying to light the hot water faucet. That's the third match you've wasted." Washington Post. A Clilnenp loj Story. Prince Pu Iun and the Chinese minister, Kir Chentung l-iung Cheng, attended tho races at Gravesend early in the month. A number of noted New Yorkers were presented to the distinguished foreigner, and one of these gentlemen told an inci dent that illustrated the remarkable in telligence of a dog of his. The minister said with a smile: "I am reminded, sir, of a Chinese dog Btory. "There was a Chinaman who had three flogs. When he came home one evening he found them asleep on his couch of te.tkwood and marble, whipped them and drove them forth. "The next night when he came home the dogs were lying on the floor. Put he placed Ms hand on the couch and found It warm from their bodies. Therefore he gave them another whipping. "The third night, returning earlier than usual, he found tho dogs sitting before the couch, blowing on it to cool it." Boston Tost lilt Hrlow the llelt. A Parisian financier traveling In America la spending a week In New York beforo Bailing for home. "What In our country baa most Impressed you?" he was asked. "Once a Frenchman always an admirer and slave of the sex; your women, of courac." was the answer. "Put among our Institutions; that Is, our commercial life?" "Ah! I am most impressed by the great anxiety of your financiers to take the pub lic Into partnership In what they advertise an golden opportunities. Your financiers are all philanthropists. In Paris when we have something real good we keep it to ourselves." lllaliop Ilnrt'n HlMpoxIt Ion. The newly elected Methodist bishop, Dr. William Hurt of Home, Is noted for his cheerful and placid manner. Nothing ever rullles him. lie Js never heard to complain. A clorgyman complimented Dr. Hurt one day on his good disposition. "You never growl about anything," ho aid. "No matter what kind of a meal la t set before you, you eat It cheerfully. If you are feeling poorly, you conceal it. How did you manage to acquire such a line habit of good humored tolerance and resigna tion?" "Maybe the remark of a child I onco overheard helped me to lern to complain and grumble, as little as possible," said Ir. Hurt. "While 1 was studying at Wilbra ham academy I spent a few days with tho child's father a good man, but a chronic growler. We were all sitting In the parlor one night when the question of food arose. Tho child, a little girl, told cleverly what each member of the household liked best. Finally it came to the father's turn to bo described. " 'And what do I like, Nancy?' he said, laughingly. " 'You,' wild the little girl, slowly, 'well, you like 'most anything we haven't got.' " Cincinnati Enquirer. Posted oh Some Utiles. Says a writer In an eastern exchange: When I was pastor in a western city a man came to mi; and said that in some meetings he had attended while away from home he had been greatly Impressed with the truth of th- Christian gospel and had become a Christian. I said to him: "I suppose you want to com" before tho committee and be received for baptism?" "Well, doctor," he replied, "I don't know much about the routine, but I would liko to have it done according to Hoyle," and so it was dono. A Word tvith (.(inii.in, Senator Gorman's friends (and foes) know that his iua!ities as leader are at least masteily, but how far tiny trust to his judgment may not be so well known to the reading public. One of the statesman's friends had a dream not so long ago, which he is telling, and it makes clear the whole Maryland political situation. lie was standing before heaven's gate, and Si. Peter was just opening it. As it swung hack the venerable warden asked the name of the new arrival, and procet ded to look up his record in a great book. Then he said, "Enter." The Mar.vlander hesitated, lie looked all around him and scratched Ids head, but ho did not advance toward the open gate. "Why do you hestiate?" asked the saint. "Enter." "Well, 1 hopo It's all right," said tho other slowly, "but I do wish I could have a word Willi Gorman before taking so Im portant a step." New York Times, Morgan's Cunt tif Arms. J. Tlerpont Morgan is gifted with a great deal more of humor than is generally known. Not long ago, while In London, ha was Introduced to a lady who made some pretensions to peerage. "Pardon ine," said this lady, haughtily, "to which Morgans do you belong?" "Oh, we are an Independent branch," re plied Mr. Morgan. lly, "but we date back to the Norman kings." "Ah. then you have a coat of arms?" Mr. Morgan dug down into his pocket and brought forth a shining American J:o gold rieve. "This," he said, "is our roat of nrms; a few other families have adopted tho same emblem. Put," he continued, con fidentially, "we are gathering them In sus fast as possible." One on Dr. Mitchell. Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, the eminent nerve specialist of Philadelphia, tells of an Inci dent of his early career which taught him n lesson he has nlwnys remembered. Kver since then there has been one Question om ori which he never asks hla patients. An elderly man was ushered into tho doctor's office one afternoon. After telling him to be seated tho doctor asked la hla mildest man ner: "Well, sir, what Is the matter with you?" The patient quickly replied: "If I knew, doctor, 1 would not come here to Hud out." tit. IajUIs Jtlpublic. lit' (lot the ICgs;, "Talk about Yankee shrewdness," paid tho traveling man. "1 was in a little tavei u up in Connecticut not long ago and a far mer came in with eggs to sell. 'J lie trans action took place in ihe barroom of the establishment. The proprietor agreed to take two dozen, and when the farmer ciuno to count over the contenLs of his bat-ket ho found th.it he iiad twenty-live eggs. The proprietor wanted the extra egg thrown in for good measure. The farmer didn't see it that way, and they argued the matter. At last the proprietor said he'd take the twenty-live cL-gs, give the man a drink and call it square. The farmer agreed and pocketed his money. " 'Now, what'U you have?" asked the pro prietor. The Yankee farmer was ready with his reply. " 'Sherry and egg,' said he,"-Washington Post. DllfilnK. William Gillette, the great impersonator of Sherlock Holmes, confesses to having hired a yacht one certain summer. As he describes it, the acht was a craft without a rival in slow progression. With a few friends- Iw w t sail and proceeded upon a cruise. They kept close to the shore and a week or two .tft r they had left port were drifting lazily ty a point of land at the end of wrd.-li sat a solitary Inan fishing. In a few hours the boat had passed the point, and th. lisherman was sc. n to rou.ie himself from his contemplation of his rod. "Where ye from?" ho called genially. "New York," replied Gillette, with a yachtsman's pride. "How long'."' "Sunday, August 1." The fisherman returned to Ms fishing and the ya(.lt kipt on ,lriltns Bome hours later there came a drawling voice over the quiet water and it asked: "What year?" TliriUinKitrNourrH. Once when he was a pilot on the Missis sippi, Twain Pat with a crowd of men around a wood stove In a village store. Presence of mind was heinir lUn.....t i nearly everybody had a story about pres ence of mind to relate. Twain said: "Hoys, through my presence of mind I once saved an old man's life. It happened tliis way. I was reading In my room, lato one night, when I heard tire bells. I strolled out to see where the fire was, and soon camo to a brick house that was burning hard. "An old man lennd half way out of n fourth story window, and the red flame lit up hla long white hair and beard. 'Help' Help!' he hollered. 'Help! Help!' And he waved his arms around hla head, making wild gestures. "Everybody In tho crowd below seemed paralyzed. No ladder was long enough to reach the old man. Tho firemen said If he stayed up there he would be burnt to death, and if ho Jumped ho would be crushed flat. "lMt I. with my presence of mind, came to his rescue. I rushed forward, and yelled for a roie. The rope was brought to mo. I threw the old man tho end. Ho "VP caught It. I told him to tie it around hla waist. lie did so. and 1 pulled him down." ltaltiniore IP-raid. Couldn't Promise. Two of the cainiidat-'S In the rcecnt pri mary elcetjon for governor of Florida, Hol.ert W. liavls, now a congressman, ami Nafiole.m It. prowar.l. who won fume by Ms filibustering exploits just prior to tho Spanish-American war, in.ulo a house to house campaign through the rural dis tricts of the state. One hot day Captain Proward drove up to a peaceful farm houso and found a woman strenuously chopplluf wood in the front ar.I. The gallant captain alighted, bowed to the woman, said: "Madam, excuse me, but I cannot stand idly by and see a lady doing such hard work. Permit me." And, taking the ax, the candidate labored for thirty minutes until the last stick had been cut. "Now, madam," he said, as he mopped the perspiration from his brow, "if you have a husband you may tell him that Cap tain Proward called to soe him and that I would appreciate his voto fur governor of Florida." Tho woman, who had been admiring tho candidate's ability us a wood chopper, shook her head dubiously and replied: "Well, I duniio about his votln' for you, "cause Hob Davis Is in the back yard a milkin' the cow." Denver Kepublicati. Clark nnd (he Honk Acrnt. Senator W. A. Clark detests nothing mora than to be interrupted when busy. One day he wan in his office engaged In a busi ness conversation when a i-tlte weman carrying a black bug entered. With a compelling smile and an insinuating man ner she approached the surly millionaire. 1'tterly insensible to his repell. nt nu ml and indifferent to Ms abrupt manner she drew from the depths of the bag a hand somely bound volume, the merits and l.eiu tks of which she begun to il Mpi. ally de.scant upon. Failing to embarrass her With aretlo rigidity anil impatient at her per.-lster.co under rebuffs all but vulgar, he turned suddenly upon tho chattering woman and asked: "Madame, do you know what my time la worth?" She confessed It was a crnur.drum. "Well." he said, petulantly, "it's worth 30 an hour!" He turned away with the air of one who had settled tho matter definitely beyond any further controversy. Hut he didn't know the woman. "Oh, I'm so grateful to you, Mr. Clark," she replied with a tone of pnthua In her voice. "Thirty dollars an hour, did you say ?" "Yes; that's what I said, nnd It's cheap at that," and he smiltd cynically. "Oh, I know it is dirt cheap," she chir ruped with winsome blitheress. "I'm so glad you told me " rummaging In hr reticule, from which she quickly fished out a purse gorged with currency. Moving near to the astonished millionaire, who now regarded her movements with un feigned curiosity, she counted two bills, a ten and a five, off the roll. These she pushed along the top of the slopirg desk toward him and said: "Yes, I'm glad you told me, because I hadn't expected to get It so cheap. There is $15. Now, I want a half hour of your uninterrupted attention while I talk to you alout this book." Clark pushed back the money and sub scribed and paid for two copies of the book. rittsburu Dispatch.