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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 6, 1889)
THE OMAHA DAILY BEE' SUNDAY , OCTOBER 0 , 1889.-8TXTEEN PAGES. SPECIAL AND EXTRAORDINARY SALE OF BLACK SILKS , Burr's ' Immense Purchase of $30,000 in BLACK SILKS , Manufacturer's ' Stock , closed out at a Great Sacrifice. BLACK SILKS to be Almost Given Away. Remember , We Guarantee Every Yard. These Silks are the Finest Manufactured , . Extra SOFT-FINISH CACHEMERE Sublime.Warranted in Every Particular. NOTICE PRICE LIST. lotl- -5 pieces , regular price $1.00 ; sale price , 69c. Lot 2 -7 nieces , regular price , $1.10 ; sale price , 78c. - Lot 3- -5 pieces , regular price , $1.15 ; sale price , 83c. Lot4- -7 pieces , regular price , $1.25 ; sale price , 90c. Lot5- -6 pieces , regular price , $1.40 ; sale price , 99c. Lot6 -8 pieces , regular price , $1.50 ; sale price , $1.09. Lot 7- 9 pieces , regular price , $1,65 ; sale price , $1.19. Lot 8 -6 pieces , regular price , $1.85 ; sale price , $1.27. Lot 9 -6 pieces , regular price , $2.00 ; sale price , $1,38. Lot 10 7 pieces , regular price , $ ° .25 ; sale price , $1.59. Lot 11 6 pieces , regular price , $2.50 ; sale price , $1.69. Lot 12 3 pieces , regular price , $2.75 ; sale price , $1.87. Lot 13 -3 pieces , regular price , $3.OO ; sale price , $1.98. Lot 14 -2 pieces , regular price , $4.0O ; sale price , $2.25. Full Line of Surah and Ores Grain Silks , 50c yard ; worth 90c , We invite all to come and examine these bargains in Black Silks on our silk counters Monday. Study your own interests and save money Now is your time. Country orders for goods or samples will re Great Central Dry Goods Store , fronting- ceive prompt attention if addressed to the 16th and Douglas Sts. In the retail and street Wm. Barr Dry Goods Co. , Omaha , Neb. railway center of Omaha. LUERARY WOMEN AS WIVES Fnlr Dwellers on Parnassus Who APO Also Model Homo-Makers. NOT THE TREAD OF GODDESSES Soiiioul'Amorlon'H Clmrinliitf Duu liters - ters Wnllc Very Awkwardly Unncliic Girls of Java New York ImdleH of literary Woman ns Wlvon. I have cfteo been surprised how deep-rooted is the general impression that literary women make but moderate successes us wives nnd mothers , writes Edward W. Dole in the Ladies' Homo Journal. It is certain that the facts do not substantiate this belief. Let any one take the roll of American literary women , and muno will follow name that represent all that , ib best in wifehood and purest in motherhood. No one , for example , would say thut Mrs. Julia Ward Howe has been a failure as wife or mother , in educating three daugh ters , the ono more talented than the othor. Marion Ilarland odors another instance in her perfectly regulated home and family. Anna Katharine ' Green finds no dilllculty in being one of , the moat loving of mothers and a model wife. Mrs. Croly ( "Jonnio Juno" ) never found that because she followed Htcmtiira she could not be the power for good she is in her homo , Where can ono find a wlfo moro loving in the reivcmbrance of her husband than is Mrs. Cuutor ? Could any woman ho sweeter or more diivotod as n wife I ban was Harriet ijrobcott Spodord V And So might I go on through an al most interminable list MnryJ.lIolmcs. A Jessie Bonlon Fremont , Mrs. Alexan der , Rebecca Harding Davis , Mrs. Ad miral Dahlgron , Augusta Evans Wil son , Grace Greenwood. Louibo Chandler Moulton all those and many more are typical of tliu brightest and most har monious domestic firesides. IlouSOIIHI GlrlH Walk. Why Is It our young ladies-do not know how to walk ? inquires writer in the Princeton ( N. Y. ) l''rocuiun. I.ookl hero comes ono witli bur heud pitched forward , her hands swinging ungrace fully by her side , her feet , buullluig the walk , and altogether presenting nn ap pearance ( luito unbecoming ono ol America's lovely daughters , chnrming in all elbe , perhaps , but oh , buch a gait ! The next ono walks with a Jerk , her feet and lower part of her body having started on a race with her head to see which will got there first. The voiibo- quoiu-o is for every ston forward she comes part way baok with n jerk. llor sister follows , twitching ungrace fully from side , rolling from ono foot to 1bo other , like a. sailor in mid-ocean only ho haa some excuse and she bin not , The nrms u&uiilly follow , but in opposite directions. Tno body ot the next ono intikoa a perfect bow , back bent , head forward und feet trying to catch up. Not ono with the linn graceful etop , erect head , strnighi shoulders , easy arm ? and hand to benu- . quired by sulllciont dotorminittion to prctaunt u dignified carriage , When will deportment bo taught in out schools ? Now York Wow u of Katitifnii. New York women arc , us a rule , vor } : linritablo and very industrious , Thoj lave , tlirough the sonson , often llftepn nvitations for one day. Suoh a life jreatos the nccesoity for order , system tnd good management , to oven meet iiilf their engagements. The type of , ho In/.y , indolent , voluptuous Countess Castigliono , is wanting. There are no nzy women in polite society , who are uf the least importance. The greater number of Now York auhionablo women are doing their part n society hononibly and well. They jring uj > their daughtbrs carefully. They make their girls healthy , aceom- ilishcd and well bred. They tame down ; ho too exuberant sp.rits , and the Now York girl is a model. Perhaps they have not had as good Luck witn their sons. Some critic calls Lhu young man of fashion "aolllsh and impolite , either cold and polished cynics , 3f a mixture of the dude and tlio cad. " This is too exaggerated and too ab- surb. All Now York young men may not bo exactly glittering pri/es , but some of them are. The ideal gentle man may bo hard to Und anywhere , but , as a class , the fashionable young men of Now York are neither ignoble nor useless They mny not bo always as courteous as they ought to be , but they are ab a cliibh nice , handsome , ngrcoblo youug men , destined to be guud citizens. 'Din Duiiuini : tin-la of .lava , . A Paris correspondent , dobcrlbing the dancing girls of Java to be seen at the exposition , says : The performers are tour in number , lithe , delicate girls of small htaturo , bronzed complexion and bountiful almond-shaped black eyes. Their features are distinctly of the Mongolian typo , less pronounced in character than those of the Chinese and.Tupanobc , nnd ono of them , at least , is extremely pretty. The most curious portion of their costumes is their lioad- Two of them wear old coxcomb- shaped coiffures in black fur , sot in a gala band and going across the hciuV from car to car , instead of from back to front. The ether two wear oxtromofy picturesque diadems in gold illagroo , with a pointed place covering tlio back of the bond , and rounded side-pieces with holes to permit the pnbsngo of the cars these side plates being kept in place by largo ball earrings , alsoin gold filagree. A long , loofco skirt in fcotno figured ma terial , closn-litting bodices in dark silic webbing worked with gold and silver and mothor-of-pcarl , and long scarfs in thin silk draped around the waist , com plete their uttire , The dance , which , like all the ether Oriental dances , Is not a dnnro at nil according to European idons , coiibists of u blow , gliding motion around the platform , the slender arms and dainty little brown hands of the porformori * playing the part visually as signed to tliu lower limbs of a dancer. They writhe , they wavothovilultortho Blonder fingers catch up and unfold the ends of the long floating scarf , the sup ple waists ourvo backward , nnd twist and twine till they actually seem in danger of dislocation. Tlio description mny not sound attractive , but the per formance is ranlly charming , owing to the grace and winnincr looks of the dan cers. And it is perfectly modest , too , which is more than can bo said of most of the custom dances in the exhib ition. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Who "Tlio liioli < > H " In. 11 Who is 'Tho Duchess ? ' " is n ques tion often naked by the thousands who rend the novels of this roinnrkauly pop ular writer , And perhaps never hits n notn do plume more completely bcroenod the identity of its owner. "Tho Ouch- ess" is really Mrs. Margaret Hunger- ford , residing in a homo of comfort and beauty in Ireland's famous county , Cork. She is nn Industrious woman , and writes u complete novel with moro eabo than many of us would exercise in writing a short article , bays Edward W. Bole in the Ladies' Home Journal. She is domestic in her nature , and dislikes to talk about her work. Tier modesty is proverbial among her friends , und many of her neighbors in the littlu Irish town where she lives are ignorant of the fact that "Madame Hungorford , " as they call her , is tlio author of the novels that lie on their tables. She rarely as sociates her poruonal self with her lit erary nom do plume in correspond ence with friends or strangers. The authoress , in years , is east middle age , but retains a youthful appearance. She is fond of children , and their little characteristics are often incorpor ated in her stories as she sits writing at her window , watching them at their play on the lawn beneath. It is esti mated that moro copies of her novola have been sold than of those of any liv ing writer. Any now story oy her is always sure of a wide reading on both sides of the sea. Of whnt is generally regarded as her most popular story , Phyllis , more than a quarter of a mil lion copies have been sold. Her liter ary work brings her a neat income , en abling nor to live in comfort. She has boon twice married , her prosunt domes tic relations , being of the happiest na ture. .Tean Inunlow nt Home. Joan Ingelow , whoso "High Tide of the Cotiht of Lincolnshire" everyone was quoting during , our recent storm that bent the lido up into all manner of unexpected places , lives in on old-fash ioned , cream-colored stone house in Keiibinglon , sot in the midst of exten sive grounds , with handsome trees and many beautiful iloworsjind shrubs , says a writer in the Now York World. .At least , this is her homo in summer time ; her lungs nro not very strong , nnd in winter she occupies a little cottngo iu the south of Franco , on the shores ot the Mediterranean , covered with vines und smothcrod with flnwors. She is nearly sixty now , hut docs not look half her ago , her eyes are so bright and hop chocks as rosy and roundoii as u girl's. Of Into years she has written very little , and oven what she does she rarely publishes , for her theory is that a poet never writes nny immortal verso after ho or she has pa&sod fifty , tind she may very justly ro t on the laurels she won for herself before she roadbed that aco. Contrary to tlio general belief , there never was any such tide in Lin colnshire , and there * never wns any such tune ns "ThoBridosof Maria Endorby , " which the ringers rang to warn the Boston folk of the coming tiuo. The Homo Ijifi ) i.ew Wallace. Of the moro prominent writers who nro singularly fortunate in their domes- tie relations , the author of ' Bon Ilur" is a striking example. Herself a writer of more than average ability , und p'os- scnhcd of un accurate literary judgmtMit , Mrs. Wallace is nn invaluable assistant to her husband in ins work. She is a tireless worker , rapid yet very pains taking , nnd is nn expert at proof-road- ing. General Wallace is.himbolf his severest critic , nnd after nn incident or chapter hns been written , re-oast prob- noiy a dozen times , und criticised from every standpoint , it is given to Mrs. Wallace , und runs the gauntlet of her critical judgment. There is u singular harmony of tastes between the two , und in this wise the literary partnership u productive of the most satisfactory results. Tlio homo of the Wnllacos is in Crnwfordsvillo , Ind. , nnd contains every comfort. They Imvo already made a great deal of money with their pens , and nro destined to make much moro , Almost anything General Wul- luco chooses to write is an assured suc cess , and ho can therefore command MILLINERY. Stvllsli Connoly Turbiins , lu nil similes , ixt JJ encn. Airy IVlt Tnrltnnn and Sailors , bcantirully trimmed for $ ! * . ! > cadi. Can t peep ut anything like tlioin nuilcr K'.OJ nuynhcro ulso In this town. Jo ) yon \viint nn rloKnnt llttlo Tociuo Turliim or Walking Hat , worth JOJ , for only tl.no. You can nut It t llurr'.s. TiirKt- prices arc Just to riiovr you \\lioiotno nillllni'ry ImrpaliiH of Oniulia nro to bo found. Itotnplpcnot lio.ideonr It tncrnllowpil to fto out of nils house ttiat Is not perfect In Ktylo and matptlals When you net n Imtynin nt llurr's. It Is a bargain that 13 a bargain. UMBRELLAS. In Umbrellas which have noror had tliolr i-mml. a-Inch "Olorla" silk , nou-aittliiRsilk. uovon for tlio purpose , silver nnd gold mounted handles , at t : . "llnrr'8 Special" brand Rllk Umbrella , im iron * llko nearlDK quality of twilled fcllk , Kiigllsu- pnriipon funnc * , linntlles of Mlver. forS-.US. HriiiK In yoni old uinlnellas nnd have them reco\eicilA\lillo you \\nlt. Sole iiKonts for "The Hoblnson Co.'s ' Detach able Covers. COSSETS. I'rcnch Woven Corsuts , lilted with IIONKH , cm broldnrcd bust , mid broud bouos on the hips , only v"r. A beautiful Trench Sateen Corset , cutawav hip.Hti hill ; elastic yoKe. This corset will nor. t reak on the 111 ] ) , face thoui at Sl.-l. I'liiu Satcsn Coraets. black , old gold , drab anil white , well boned and VKIILICT lml C ] . forUTc COMFORTS. n bales Comforts att)8c. ) \ bales Comforts nt * 1JJ > . B bales Comforts at $1.47. 1 1'lioso Comforts are first-rate value , aud are ! ell worth everybody s attention. liigli prices for his work. The sales of 'lion JJur" alone have brought him over $ ; tt,000 ) , awl its success has also : nndo "The Fair God" a fust-soiling aook. For his "Boyhood of ( Jurist" " nnd his biography of "President Ilarri- bon , ho received very large payments , while for ills now novel , ho will bo paid what , to many , would bo a snug little fortune. For Mrs. Wallace's published works there is albo a steady demand , so that this literary counle manage re markably well to secure a largo share of the sweets ot literature. Ocr < lier Bridal * . A dainty costume that would seem ap propriate for a bridesmaid at an au tumn wedding can be made with an ae- cordion-pln'ted skirt of magnolia white , nn especially soft ecru tint , silk mull , with a directorio coat of ottoman silk , the same delicate shading , writes Tillo Forney in Table Talk. A good quality of silk mull can be obtained for $1 u yard ; as it is about ono and n half yards iti width , about eight yards would bo required to forma properly full accor dion siirt , which would bo seven yards wide before hoing put through the plait ing process. An excellent quality of ottoman silk can bo bought for $2 a yard to malto a stylish directoire , which " " in front Hat should bo "cutaway" , two tails , lined with surah flattening to ward the bottom of the skirt in the baeu. Six yards of material should bo ample. Diruutoiro lapels , wide at the shoulders and narrowing into tlio waist line , edged with inch wide silver braid , would ornament the bodice effectively. If the young lady's throat bo white nnd shapely , the nock of the bodice could bo cut low und bound with silver braid. Now York nml hntulou Society. With nil the talk about oxclusivoncss in Now York , tlicro is nooxclusivoue&s , writes a corrcbondontfrom the metropo lis. There may be a few modest people of real merit wno tire sometimes slight ed , but if they have any gifts for social success , they will got it. It.is not true , that , because some leaders of fashion tire exclusive , till are so. Ladies of lligfi character nro just as apt tobofoujid in tko routing of the high est fashion , i'iq in any other wall : of life. Good company makes many virtues. Tlio ideal society would be to find out ihovellbred IVd the woll-odiicatou.and to invite them only , no matter to what shade of fuHliidn they may belong.Hut that has been soughtin vnln thut ideal society. There will always Ho a Mrs. Milkandorcanitwith the manner ? and appearance ot'ullsh-wife , in the highest and best soclpjy , who must bo invited. Visitors to London are shocked by the pitlablo trulUi of Nineteenth century unroHorvo , and.by the talk and the man ners of certain fashionable women. Books full ojscandalous anecdotes , call ing women W tliolr MUIIIOH , are pub lished and publicly bold. It is nn ox- modod idea thut good birth , old blood , oven good breeding , is the guardian angel of ti woman. So much for London , the ideal city ! What can wo expect of Now York , its copy ? An AUmiluio Cure , TheORiaiNAL.AUlinVd OXNTMCNT IB only put up in Iart'6 two ouncu tin boxen , and IB an absolute euro for old sores , burns , wouuds , ctiuppad linndn , and nil Mem orup. tlous. Will positively cure all kinds of piles- ABIC for the O1UOINAL AWEIUNB OINT MENT , Sold by Good man Drui ; cempany at lift conta per bos uv wall HI ) cents. Out of 1'ruotlcn. Life : Lady of the house ( to tramp ) You oat as if you never had neon a meal of victuals bjforo ! Tramp Madam , you must excuse mo. I B'poso I do oat awkward , but the fact to I hadn't hud muoh practice lately , CLOAKS. ASriXHAt * CMM.K HXWllll'TIUS Wl'.r.K AT IIAUU'S. All styles tu. Tuckets , Opera and Street Wrixpi. riusli. Olotli mul Fiir-trlmmoil Cloaks , llusslnn < ! loi\m , the Jaunty Tliroo quarter Tailor Co. its. CoHclumm's UiotlCK , NowmirKcts. plnln and fancy ; nml nntmillnis vnrlpty of plain ovcry cluy Cloaks for mvrylay people , ami elegant novel ties for tliono * cltv sort. " Clo&ks from t..DO to ns many liundredi as you \rnnt to pay * l.7n for a tnllor-flnlahcil Stockinet .Inckct. K13.50 for cluoant lunliloil Clotli Mo Ijo Kas. inN'S CLOAKS ANl > WllAl'3 A St'ECI.Vl/rr. INFANTS' WEAR. Tlio new stylish TalUo and Kmbroldorod Silt Hoods , ttllliriiclio and strings , a llttlubeauty , 91.50. Piirltnn Caps , in cloth , to match cloak , also in plush , at Jl.li eiclu SHAWLS. ARro.it job purchase or Shawls. All kinds , sorts and descriptions , ilovvrfelblo Velvets , Scotch Shawls. Fnlsloy nnd llrocho ntid lllack Cashincru : In fact , uo ian Rlvo you a. Stwwl frouujl.OJ to I75.UO. This purchase includes both donblo nnd slnplo Scotch and Himalaya SunwU at ji.OU totliVK ) . ICyoiinci-da Shawl you will find plenty ot bargains In thli special purchase , GLOVES. Will offer llili week a bargain In Kiel ( Moves urillcloso out 10) ) pairs ( 'oiiHtnw.o nt $ t.l" > uatr. Those Roods have alwajs boon sold by us for tl.Vl. neil coaililorod good vuluu at that. Full lluo sizes k Our $1.00 kid Is arknow ledjjL'd by all to bo the best hi the city. Tor tit nnd durability the lion Mnrcho is our loader tit 41.- ) . A full lluo of Ladles' Gauntlet DrivingOlovoa. SAYINGS OF THE FUNNY MEN Some of the Wails From the World of Wit and Humor. BOTH BY THE SAME ARTIST. Mrs. Gusliy CarrotH an a Connoisseur The Wisdom of Bnbes Foil nil a Model Juror Uenuvlovo anil Aliicriion. Hl.s nuninessllico AVny. Chicago Tribune : Young Mr. Blzz ( briskly , to fair proprietor of photo graph gallery ) I've dropped in , Miss Frame , without much preparation , in the style 1 usually do when I make up my mind I want anything. Can you take mo just as I amV Miss Frame Certainly , Mr. Blzz. What style clo you wish cabinet or panel ? Mr. Bizz What stylo'i1 Great Crcsarl D.d you think I'd come in with these old clothes on to have my picture taken ? I'm asking you to murrv mo , Miss Frame 1 _ > \ hard KciusU | Time : Little Elsie ( who with the re mainder of her family is dining nt the Veneers ) After dinner , Mr. Veneer , will you show mo the skeleton ? Mr. Veneer Whatskoloton , my dear ? "Why , the ono ma says you have in the closet. " Wh-n Crock MuRtn Tcrro Uauto Express : Mrs. Tattall "Don't you know whut Mrs , Brown said about you yesterday ? " Mrs. Gowoczio "No , nor I don't kcer. But do you know what my old man said about you the ether day ? Ho says when you git two or throe years older , an' that pryin' nose of yourn meats thut wnggin' chin , that there'll ' be the doggondost time on record. What ? You ain't going ? Well , cull again soon , won't yo ? " Cltittttcr mill Km nttlic r , The clothes tluit ho were , As .it tennis lie plnvccl , Or walked by tlio shore , And talked to some maid , Aru now uoar tliu door Of his unclo's displayed. A M'rlou-4 Judge : Enrnged Ftithni * Well , that's ' the lust time I'll bo fool enough to give ono of my daughters u wedding check. Mother Why , Charles ? there's noth ing wrong , Ihopo. Enraged Father YOH , but there is. That fool of u son-in-law has gone and had it cashed. A J licit. " ol'Arr. Rome Sentinel ; Bobby ( to his sister ) IB Mr. Do Lunkhead your beau , a judge of fine arts ? Sister A very good judge , Bobby. But why do you ask ? Bobby Oh , ho told mo last night that ho was going togotthoimui who painted your portrait to paint bib house. In i ho snlrt. rofifcrnwi'ViMiftier. / / / . Said one Bliirt stud unto the other , "U scorns to me , my dear twin brother , Together had bait condole For , by my life , wa' s Iu n bole. " \Vlicrp They .Mclt HconiuiiU" . America : Bagloy f hoar that Mrs. , Moionthul has presented you with twins , Solomon. Mr. Mosonthal Yes , it vas a fact , twin boys or I'm a liar. "Muot bo quite an expense , eh ? " "Yes , but dere'a vono good t'lng I Men's Furnishins , Hclow woquotoa few of tlio mnnr oiriTtil In ( louts' U in I'mnlMilutc CluoiK Niilmul Wool MilrlH nnd Drawers , worth fl.M rncli , forfl. Pine nil wool HrarliU Medicated Shirts nml Drnuctv , n-KtiUr prloofc' , tor fl.ro. Ilii lUn Merino Half lloi > . In stripes mul plain < olnM. so.il ovcry w hero for ; i5e n pair , our pi ice only y , ' c. IMrby Ullibod , Potion Half llosn. In nil colors nmlMr.cs nintlo lor ivonr mul ( lurnbllltr , only Handkerchiefs. An occasion of slfcnlllcrtnl tmimrtnnro 1o nil who ni'otl IliiniUoicnlcr.s. .Medium and popular . 4o for n ItcniHtlPlu-il Colored llonk'rcid Hand- korolnef. for which yon ordinarily p iv ItV. 'Jo for ctiolco of ncaily 50 dinoifiit style * of TiiullAx' Hemstitched lIitnclkurdilufH , oolorcil bonlerM , pnro Uuctiii > KUliirly sold for luc , OTo for fieiits * Jnpiincso Slllk Hemstitched. lixrito slzo , vorth iVc. MT for Men's nmbr.ildcred SllK Hnuilkcr- chlrf * . rpRiilarI.UOcooiU , Jo for llcnts1 Silk IlnntlkerchlefH , 2S Inches ami me , north ft. mi. Inspect tliesii bargains. It pnya to look HOSIERY. KXU'ltA Sl'llOlAl , . Wanh.Ul neil this week n largo line of Child- run's o < cirii heavy Ulbbeil Cotton Hone , m > itm- Ie n , Kunr.intccd lust aud fetululcss , Hl/.os 7 to 111 , ntS'io ttnlr. Olilwien's riiu-Oislimcre Wool lloso , Derby- ribs , ri-izular mmlo feet , any size , li to 8V | , woittt Hie a pair , for Sic. Now r H stylt's Liullos * oxtr.a linn Cotton lloso , lilacs boot patterns , fancy tops , \\ortli Me a pair , for a."ic. KNIT UNDERWEAR. SI'Kl'IAI , I1AUOAINS POIt THIS \VK1IIC. Ladles' line Swiss Itlblira Jersey Vostn , hlsh neck mid loiitf sleeves. In ldtn nnd natural , drawnr.s to match , worth < fc , at lie. Ladles' extra lluo Sciirlet Medicated Wool TTiulprwcnr , regular iirlco H.Si , forH'ic. I.adie-t' Hanlt.iry Natural Wool Uuderwear. woith $1.35 , only $1.00. fought ot Do same iriintogrnph will do for little lk 3.v or little Jakoy : doy look so much alilcc. " Itc.ulv for I Life : Jitwlcins Well , Jaulc , the cool weather's coniitifr oti now. .lack Bon-owl ! , Yes , and I'm glad of it. Ono more washing und my llanncl bliirt will Uo for a chest protector. XiMuli nu A in IMI ( I in i ! n r , Time : Client ( in Chicago ) I want a divorce. Lawyer For what reason ? "My wife can not make good coffee. " "I am sorry , but the law is not broad enough for a man to KOI a decree on tnoro colToc grounds. " AH Hi' Iviii'vr Tliriii. Punch : School Teacher ( to boy at head oE class , the lesson being philoso phy ) How many kinds of force arc there ? Boy Throe , sir. "Name thorn. " "Dodily force , mental force and the police force. " Itiuhor Yonkers SliitoHinuu : "What you do- iiig now ? " ' In with 'tho greatest show on earth. ' " "You don't say ? What particular line ? " "I go up in a balloon and jump down With a parachute. " "You do that at the conclusion of the porfonminco , I suppose ? " "Oh , no ; I learned long ago that jumping at a conclusion was danger . " ous. _ / \ : > ln < lil Juror. Chicago Tribune : The miudrcador who hud been engaged by the eminent nUonioy ab an assistant in securing a jury whispered in his oar : "I can't toll you what this man thinks about the case. " . ho said. "Ills mind. i man any the at- take /XCnttinir .Ttidpro : Algernon You must not think , dourest , that because you are rieh and I am poor I am anxious to marry you on account of your monoy. Gonoriovu Whoso are you after , pa's ? The WiNiloin ol' Philadelphia Record : Ministerial Friend ( on a visit ) I wonder what makes your mamma BO happy to-day ? She is singing around all over the llOUbO. Little Nell I guess bho'a thought of hoinllu' to scold uupa about when ho comes home. Once u Week : Mrs. True Genteel Good morning , Mrri. Carrota. Going to Now York to do u little shopping ? Mrs. Giisby Carrots ( whoso husband has hit Htundurd oil and acquired sud den riches ) No , I've just returned. I bought a n Ice Rubens thlu morning , und I declare ! when I called at my hus- bund'aolllco ho told mo had bought a Rembrandt by the name artist yesterday afternoon. A Canvusf Cnn't I Texas Siftlngs : > or induce you to subbcrlbe to thib comlo journul ? Smith No , I get more papen > now than I have time to road. "Hut wo nro ottering siwoinl induce- inonU. " "I don't want any chrotnos or any thing of tlmtMirt. " "Wo don't offer any ohrotnos , but wo Itlctigo ourselves not to publish a iclto about UioBrowii-Scquanl elixir. " "I'll take two copies. " Not. Snbjfct to Snruical 'lroatnif > ? il. Lowell Citb.cn : Surgeon Any thing happoncd while I've boon away ? ' Olllce Boy Nothing but a broken joint. I guess you wouldn't have at tended it if you'd been here. Surgeon I will attend to anything ! What about it ? Oflice Boy It was an opium joint the police hroko up. An Apnrniirifita C'oitume. Drake's Magazine : "My friend , " ob served Mr. MeCracklo to the living skeleton in the dime museum , "vour attire is notallogher appropriate. ' "What is the matter with it ? " "Well , in the first place , you ought to wonr sv skull-cap. " lu < ; i > MHitiKy. Stun S. KtliiMit. Lilto the sliiK of u bird that has suddenly coasuil In the midst of Its melody , frightened nvvuy , Or the Hllcnco that fulls when the sombre- roh d priest , As the vespers Imvo finished , kuoels slowly to pray , Tlie SOUK in my heart that with laughter was lailcn Dies out era It K"t to my HP * in a moan , Anil iu pl.ico of BOIIIO UIICH to a Uru.uny-eyed maldun I lliul I've been writintr to usk for a loan. Olnil HoVIIH .Not Sittings : Widow Flipjiick "Arn you BtipurstitioiiH , Mr. Do Smith ? ' ' Gus Do Smith "Not nt all. " "Then I don't mind tolling you. That's the thirteenth biscuit you've oaten to-night. " The Itullnu ' iiHHlcin , Texas Siftings : Iligluvayman ( to pawnbroker ) Put up your hands. Pawnbroker How much vlll J git on them ? Kcw I'eoiilc , Iniloixl , have nnyidcn of tlio value of stiiiiiilants , if properly used. There are in Huropu boveral ustablishments ownud mid conducted by moulcH uudor the direct control of tliu pope , which have , for hundreds of years de voted their entire onorglcH to the manufacture of cordials or tonicH , Their business has boon .so extensive that a short time ago twenty million francs were olTorod for ono of thoyj plnnts by nn English syndicate , and ro- fused. It only doinonstratos the value of tonioH , because tlieir businetis could jiot liuve flourlsliad ho uiiloss their man- ufneturea contained consideralile med ical valuo. A good tonio , as for In- Hlanro , Kernody's Knst India Bittoi-H , which are guaranteed to bo dibtillcd with the finest of spiriu and from choice roots and herbs , is belter than adulter ated whisky orwlno Downed liy U'liUky. Arkansas Traveler : "Do you sen that poor fallow ? " siild n fjiiloonkeoper to a temperance lecturer , pointing toagrny- halred convict. "Who , that pool1 follow that bundles tlio upude with euch dilllculty , ? " "Yes. Well u few ywirfl njfo ho wua a respected man ; never drank anything nnd went in good society. lint , Mr , ho began to fool with whisky mid it downed him. " "Do you , n suloonkcopor , acknowl edge that this man , oncu respectable , was sent to the poniUintlury through the vile agencies of whisky ? " "Yes , Bir. " "Toll mo the story. I want to use it. " "Tho story IB short , The old follow stele u barrel ot whisky mid was sent to the pen. "