Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, May 22, 1887, Page 11, Image 11

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    1,1 ( ,
fat Partdtse Marriage Bightly Undentooi
Yields the Tender and the Good ,
Harrying for Money Mutrlmonin
Uccnjr DaclcflBtneulMWedding
Notices Marrying a Con-
toiinrlan Cupid's Washes.
Feminine Phllosopy.
Hari > cr'Jutnrt
Could 1 hut pierce that dark , rnygtcrioua cui
That veils thu future from my eager eyes ,
And know beyond a doubt I stood a certali
Chance to get a matrimonial prize.
Then might I scorn thin bold plebeian crc :
Who with bad grammar comes a-wooln
me ,
AV'ho looks so "shoppy" In his evcrv featan
And tnlksot lard enthusiastically.
I'm thirty , BO I can't afford to shako htm , of a hustund I mitflit bo bereft.
Ile'u homely , but i guess I'll have to tak
him ;
It's better , after all than getting left.
Marrying For Money.
Philadelphia Record : For lovers , wh
love because they love , this paper is nr
written. They are what they are. The
do not reason and cannot bp reasonc
vrlth. Their passion is a blind fore
which attracts them together as Saturn' '
moons are attracted to Saturn by an o <
cult and Invisible compulsion which ca
neither bo seen'nor felt , nor
described. They arc n thoruo for peel
nnd dreamers , and not for commonsct
Bible , work-a-day people like the write
mid thu reader. Have done with them.
But there are people who get marrle
ns they join the church , or choose a v <
cation , or enter upon a hazardous undo
takjng. They look around them and c :
nmino into thu condition of holy wcdloc
> as it is among their acquaintance
[ friends and kinfolk. Having "cut the :
eve teeth , " they brush the bloom froi
the cheek of the peach before they 01
fit , because they know the bloom la bitte ;
For good people of this strain a prolii
able word may bo said about marryin
for money.
1 have often thought that the circun
stances under which a man or a woma
might justifiably marry for mouev coul
readily bo tabulated. If , for instanci
there should bo a rich roan who had r
moral or physical defect to make an all
nnco with him repulsive , his weall
would bo a proper inducement to nr
woman of the following list to whom t
might oiler his hand :
A woman older than himself and di
A widow with children to care for.
A widow witli no one to care for her.
An invalid maid or matron.
An accomplished poor girl.
A beauty.
An equal in wealth and position.
80 , also , throwing love out of tnc quc
tion , but insisting upon regard , respc
and eood character , a rich young worn :
might properly marry
A man of equal or larger fortune.
A poor man of talent.
A clover artistor mechanic , or far me
or preacher , or soldier.
Any man the weight of whoso intell
gonco.or capacity of one sort or anothc
would bo a balance for the weight of dc
lars brought him by his wife.
Throwing out of consideration the ph
nica ! conditions which are nccessa
under all circumstance to the marrn
state , if money bo an inducement t
man who marries for money should
able to bring some sot-olF to make tl
match an even one. It is the more iicce
Bary for the reason that the man is tl
proposing party. The married woim
would bo an angel indeed who. havii
put her fat purse la the hand of a po
husband , would not upon some of t
emergent occasions of married life tau
him with "tho odd shilling. "
On thu contrary , the rich husband w
marries a wife of slender fortune Is I
own ohoasor. However much he m
rue his bargain ho cannot reproach I
holpmuto Tor self-imposed couditioi
Having made his bed ho must He in it.
his wife bo accomplished or beautiful s
may fairly claim that the dowry s
brings her husband is something betl
than gold can buy.
Marrylna for money in some oases
altogether advisable , if the opportun !
offer. It is not a merely sordid view
the married relation to take care at t
outstartof assured bread and butt
Thorn may , indeed , be some doubt of t
propriety of bringing a brood of childr
into the world for the world to care ft
The philosophy of Tennyson's Yorksh
farmer in his advice to his son Samrn.i
lo nt thou marry for munny ,
11 ut goa whur uiunny is
is full of the wisdom of this world. )
advise as m < xny of the Tommys and f
sans as possible nnt to marry for mon >
but to go where money is and take t
chances. If money can bo found in i
hands of a fairly good man , or toleral
girl , or a beaming and buxom widow.a
thu inoumbriinces bo not greater th
the inducements , marriageable bed
1 should not lot an opportunity that offi
slip from their grasp. Money not 01
makes the muro go ; but it buys oats :
the mare so she can go.
Sentimentalists who ore disposed
find fault with these worldly wise woi
may rest their criticism. Loyers w
have from time to tirno Immomoi
rustled blindly into matrimony , rega
less of the fact that love and squalid p
erty are incomparable , will continue
rush. The more far-seeing and bet
balanced ones will weigh the pros n
cons and marry according to their iu
mont , if they marry at all , and no man
woman will marry for money because
our advice unless they got the char
Nevertheless , "goin * wheer munny is1
not the greatest vice for which mod
boclety is accountable.
Matrimonial Decoy Dncki.
Some months ago , writes a Paris e
respondent , a couple of adventure ;
were arrested for having worked a n
riraonial agency , which was in reality
effective machinery for decoying men
the look-out for rich wives. The dut
after having been relieved of a rot
sum of money , wore married to a sh
heiress and then sent about their bi
new. rho principals of the agency w
a bogus Baroness de Mortior , alias
Uochollo , and her attendant cavalle
swindler named Lecourtols. These t
succeeded in quitting the country , i
the Paris Correctional Tribunal , wh
has just disposed of the matter , had
cordtngly to deal with the sham hen
and a Mine. Leprout , both of whom I
boon conducting a tolerably prosper
matrimonial business on their own
count after their principals had
1-ranco for reasons known to the pol
ThoUupo was introduced , after hav
answered the a good-look
young female of presumable Ani
American origin , whoso nanitucce
ing to the police reports is L ,
'I ho part of the maternal rclai
was generally played by M
Ixiprout , while thu man Lecour
acted as the paternal or avuncular i
lector of the heiress. Mile. Leal , i
was the chief criminal arrested , said I
the had come to Paris from Engl
about three years ago , nnd subaequoi
accepted an offer to act as Do Mortl
decoy duck. . The first witness for
prosecution who was called was the 1
shopman from , Limoges , a . .M.Lefc
He caw an ndrertbeaont that an Englls
heiress , having about 00.000 to her foi
tune , biA slightly damaged , was in th
market. Ho Immediately rushcil to Pan
with all the money ho could collect , wi
introduced to the divlno Leal , > pcn
nearly 200 in decorating that pcorlej
beauty with jewels and gold , and wcr
with her to London. Ho passed a happ
honeymoon In thu British capital , visitln
the Alhambra and other places of cnte :
taiuuiont , and living with his bride an
her mother in. the best hotel
After that ho returned to Parl
whither ho had summoned h
friends from Limoges , who soon li
formed him of the painful fnct th ;
ho had boon duped. M. 1'Absolu ,
Parisian barber , paid 0 to be introduce
to tlio daughter of a Spanish general i
her box at the opera. The. scnorit :
however , professed that she foun
M. 1'Absolu dollcicnt in educational a
lainmcnts , so ho was left to the tcnde
mercies of n Marseilles maiden wh
lloccod him of 10. A stockbroker wli
had been bamboo/.lcil mailo a dcsporal
dash after tlio dowry which had bee
promised to him. Ho married Leal i
London at a registrar's office , and ci
tercd at oncu into iitianolal matters , li
soon found out , howovnr , that after ha'
spent his money , hn had been fooled 1
the top of his bent. A country gcntl
man from Touraino had not only lo
money on Leal , for whom ho hired a be
nt the opera , but had long kept her su |
plied with game from his preserve
This extraordinary trial terminated I
the condemnation of Leal to tour month
imprisonment. Leprout was aoqulttei
while Lecourtois and the sham baronei
wore condemned by default.
Singular Wedding Notices.
New York Telegram : A curious fe :
turo of the raarriago announcements '
thu last century was the details they en
braced respecting the dowry and pc
sonal charms of the bride. Our forefatt
crs do not appear to have been backwai
at making known the fortunes they hn
obtained with their wives. Matters th
wo should regard as belonging to on
selves , or at the most to our intima
friends , were given to the world wii
trumpet-like sound. Ono can hard
pick up a magazine or newspaper of ti
period without iinding wedding nolle
similar to the following , which is draw
from the Gentleman's Magazine of 178
"Married , the Kev.Mr.Hogcr Waina , <
York , about twenty-six years of age.
a Lincolnshire lady , upward of eight
with whom ho is to have 8,0K ( ) in mono
330 per annum and a coach and fet
during lito only. " How long this u
equal pair enjoyed uiatrimouial bliss
am not in a position to state. Ho ce
latnly got a good fortune with his dam
but ono is disposed lo think that a link
at the price is not to bo envied when ;
many lovely women are prepared to gr
heart and hand to worthy men and iu
poetry to the prose of life.
In the same periodical of March , 17
we read :
"John Perry , Esq. , of Carmarthe
shiro. married a daughter of Walt
Lloyd , Esq. , member of that county ;
a fortune of 8,000. "
Another announcement of tlio sat
month and year , in the same magazlc
says :
r'The Earl of Antrim , of Ireland ,
Miss Betty Pennefoathor , a clobrat
beauty and toast of that kingdom. "
It may bo inferred , as a fortune is n
mentioned , the noble earl prefern
beauty to money , and that the charms
Miss Pcnnefeattier made amends for tl
lank of gojd.
The Leeds Intelligencer for July 3,171
stated :
"On Thursday last was married t > \
Worraald of this town , merchant , to M :
Rebecca Thompson , daughter of the Ir
Thompson , Esq. , of Stamcliflo ha
near Batley , an agremiblo young la
with a fortune of upwards of1,001) ) . "
In the same journal of September
following appears an announcement ,
under :
"Yesterday morning was married t
Uov. Mr. Wilson , vicar at Otloy , lo Mi
Nancy Furness , of the same place , a me
agreeable young lady , endowed with i
the qualiGcatlons necessary to make t
marriage stale nappy. "
Respecting wedding dowries , it is ss
that about tlio year 1770 a tradesman w
residing in London who had disposed
eleven daughters in marriage , and as
fortune for each ho had given thi
.weight In halt-pence. It is suggested tl
they were rather bulky , as the lightest
them weighed 50 10s. 8d.
Toward the close of the century the f
nouuccmunts of marriages were son
what toned down , as the following , cull
from the newspapers shows. Ono dat
January 5,1789 , states :
"Sunday so'nnight , at St. Aulkmai
church , Shrewsbury , A. Holheckc , Es
of Slowlny Hill , near Uoleshill , in t
county , to Mrs. Ashny , of Shrewsbury
very agreeable lady.with a good lo
uno. "
In the paper dated for January 2,17
we read :
"Yesterday , at St. Martin's chun
William Lucus , esq. , of Holywell ,
Northamptonshire , to Miss Lcsrgo , 01
daughter of the late Mr. Francis Leg ;
builder , of this townan ; agreeable you
lady with n handsome fortuno. "
On the 29th October , 1798. wo find
° ccount of tlio marriage of "an agr
able lady with a genteel fortuno. " A
in April , 1783 , we find it stated that I
marriage of Mr. George Domsthorpo
the agreeable Mrs. Mary Barker tc
place there is not any mention of mon
It is said that the following , ono of '
latest instances of this kind of annoum
rnent , appeared in Aris1 Birmingham (
zetto for July 14 , 1800. It records !
marriage of the Right Hon. Mr. < - '
ning , under secretary of state , to M
Scott , sister of the Marchioness of Tit
Hold , "with 100.000 fortune. "
iiove Under tbe Crescent.
Cosmopolitan : Turkish girls i
promised usually when they are \ -
young , even at a tender age , when tl
are only two or three years old. If
young bride happens to die before 1
marriage , or bo required for the sulta
harem for it may bo promised that t
is a case that breaks nil engagemoi
and is esteemed as a great honor by p
ents the intended husband is not
rooted to weep over what ho loses , for
has never seen it. When the young {
reaches her twelfth or thirteenth year ,
i somewhat later , her fourteenth year , i
receives the nuptial blessing , and
husband cannot see the face of his v
, until after that ceremony. No worn
not even the wife , takes part in
solemnity or marriage , which is cfleo
i by proxy , delegated to nn uncle or to
. older brother , often with a full boa
, who plays the role of the bride. 1
parents of the couple sign the contr
before the Imaum of their quarter , in
presence of a few friends , who act
witnesses. The nuptials are then ci
brato j by the families with a calmn
and gravity that weuld bo as suitable
n funeral as for a wedding.
Deacon Jacob Estoy and his wife of I
tlctinro , Vt. , recently celebrated the lift
annlvursary of their marriage.
It U related that a Chicago woman '
liMllin-f ) husbands , nil of whom aha
dl'piiiliarrasspd herself of. Is wntlnc a b
on "liow to Make Homo Happy. "
"Why Is It , " said a husband to his
3 "thnt married womun , as a rule , are B
. terrible goslucrs ? " "Hccause tliuv ttml 8
s BttiMitlve listeners In their ! iusbands"ret >
the lady , easily.
"Suppose after I am dead , " remarked I
J nckson to tier husband , "would you Ilk
have me come back to you In your drean
" ) V ll-er , " replied Mr. Jackson , cv stv
"I'll think U over. "
Miss Nannie Hill , of Harraan , 0. , Is ni
. to Imitate ourSllss VanZandtby marn
eV. . 8. Uvelle , who was recently arrested
convicted for putipipatlon In tbe opted 1
Haadle robberies la nil celt In tbe Plttsbargl
jail ,
Tfaos Allen , the young man of New Haven
Conn. , who spoiled a wedding Saturday b ]
not appearing at the church to take Ills ulaci
as the groom , says he was not oven engaeec
to the clrl nnd knew nothing ot tho-weditlni
except that ho had been Invited. , .
Years ago Squire Hnhrlam SumneK an eli
settler ot Kocfcford , III. , it U calu , s\vai
across the Pecatonica rlvor In cold wcathe
and walked In bis wet clothes four mtlcs t
marry a young couplo. All the fee ho go
was 50 cents , and when ho had kissed th
bride and said , "God bless you. my chll
dren , " ho tructcd back to sec the Pccatonlc
with hU 00 cents in his pocket aud swam th
stream a.aln to get home.
Reports connect Charles Moth , the big Oei
man Unuco-ltoman wrestler , \vlio was at on
time quite K factor among members of th
sporting fraternity In Minneapolis with
thrilling romance1 , In which tlio other pait
lian ticln'ss , the daughter of a banker ,
vision of loveliness , tall , Uncly formed , wit
clear complexion , larcc , lustrous eyes ,
wealth of blonde hair and only olghtpe
years of asc. This bright vision Is Mis
Stella Wllcosr. and she and the brawn
Herculean Teuton met at the Y. M. 0. f
rooms In Kansas City. Hoth were allk
smitten on sight , but It cost Moth seven
dnys of walknc ! the streets nnd one doll ;
paid to a coachman be-fore there was
chauco for Acquaintance. This dinicul
point passed , a secret niarrlauo followc
which Is said to have occurred last Movcn
bor. Lately a Knowledge of the mnrrlae
has leaked out , and rolatlves are moving t
have the marriage anuullcd.
Western Financial Centers.
Iron Ago : Hand m hand with th
rapid development of our natural r <
ourcos which has characterized tin
ast quarter of a century , the accumuh
on of capital hay steadily proceeded
'ho seaboard cities were the first to res
lie benefit of this movement towar
nancial independence , which has no
won checked by panic or depression
tfew York especially bucamo a coiUor c
.etiyity for every branch of commcrcia
ntcrprlso , and national legislation a ;
istcd that city to secure ani
iiaintam linnncial supremacy. Undo
recent aut of congress , how eve
ho other largo cities of the country hav
> ecn given an opportunity to dcvelo
icir advantages as financial center
Jities having at least 200,000 inhabitan
re now permitted to become "contra
cserro" cities on the petition of three
ourths of the national banks locate
herein. The national banks of sue
itio3 are required to keep a reserve of'
or cent , but they are enabled to rccoiv
deposits from the banks of smallc
ities and rural districts , While tt
lanks of the central reserve cities los
dvantagcs in being compelled to kco
heir reserve at home , and therefore di
irivo themselves of the chauco to sen
inch funds to other parts of the countr
and probably secure a high rate of intei
ist , on the other hand , such large aeces
ions to their banking capital will be n
ceived that they will be able to conduct
much more profitable business gcneralli
St. Louis made apulication some tim
igo to bo put in the central reserve clas
and now Chicago has taken the ncccssar
tops. The action of these two grer
western cities is of much importance i
the linancial world. It means that here
after more capital will be available i
ho west for business purposes. It Iu
already been announced that applici
tions have been received from thu banl
of the following cities for permission I
deposit in Chicago as a central reserv
city : Milwaukee. Louisville. Clovclam
Pittsburg , Cincinnati and New Orloau
riiis embraces a largo territory , much <
which has hitherto made New Yorks I
central reserve city. Numerous countr
banks will do the same thlug. Son
prestige may bo lost by No\ York in th
transferof capital , but "tho country wi
probably bo bunolltted by the dlvisioi
Chicago now contains eighteen nation
banks , which had on March 4 a tolal ci
dilation of only $707,000 , but they had ii
dividual deposits amounting to ovi
§ 41,000,000 , and country bank doposi
amounting to $ ap,000,000 more. Oi
bank alone In Chicago carries a line <
deposits exceeding $ ' 40,000,000 , being su
passed m that respect by one Now Yor
Paste This In Your Bible.
Books of the Old Testament , 89.
Chapters in the Old Testament , 929.
Verses in the Old Testament , 23,241.
Words in the Old Testament , 592,430.
Letters in the Old Testament , 2 , 728,10
BOOKS in the New Testament , 27.
Chapters in the New Testament , 2GO.
Verses in the Now Testament , 7.059.
Worels in the Now Testament , 181,2,1
Letters in the Now Testament , 838,36 ,
The Apocrypha has chapters , 183.
The Apocrypha has verses , 7,081.
The Apocrypha lias words , 11)3,165.
The middle chapter and the shortest
the bible is Psalm cxvii.
The middle verse is the 8th of Psal
The word "and" occurs in the Old Tc
lament 35,543 times.
The word "Jehovah" occurs 0,0
The word "and" ocours in the Nc
Testament 10,001 times.
The iiddlo book of the Old Tcstamo
is Proverbs.
The middle chapter of the Old Test
mont Is Job 29.
The middle verso of the Old Tcstamo
is 2 Chronicles , 22d chaplor , 17th vorso.
The shortest verso in the Old Test
mont is 1 Chronicles , 1st chapter ? 5
Thh longest verso in the Old Test
mont is Esther , 8th chaplor , Djh verso.
The middle book of the Now Test
mont is 2 Thessalonians.
The middle chapters of the New Test
mont are Romans 13th and 14th.
The middle verso of the New Tesl
mont is Acts , 17th chapter and 17
The shortest verse in the New Tesl
mont is John , llth chapter , 33th verse.
Borne Alien 1/anctlorils.
Albany Courier : Another immcn
body of land has been bought in t
south by foreign capitalists for spocu !
tion. An estimate of the amotfnt of lai
held by aliens In largo bodies was ma
not long since and thu following list pi
pared :
A't English syndicate In Texas. . . . J,000 , (
Holland Land Co. . New Mexico . 4.500 f
Sir Kd Kued , syndicate in Florida. . S,00u. (
Kngllsli syndicate In Mississippi . 1,800 , (
Marquis of Tweedalu . 1,7.V ) (
1'hllllps , Marshall & Co. . London. . . 1SOO , (
Cerman syndicate . 1,100,1
- , syndicate , London. . . . 7 , (
Uyron It. Evans , London . 700 , <
Dukoof Sutherland . 4tt ! , <
Dritlsh Land Co. in Kansas . 20 <
W. Wharley. M. P. . 1'eturboro . S10 , (
Missouri Land Co. , Scotland . S00 , (
Cobort Tenant , of London . . . . . 5.TO , <
Dundee Land Co. , Scotland . 2 7 , (
J ord Uunmnre . 1-0 , (
Ilcniaiuen Neiuzas , Liverpool . I0o , (
Lord lloughtoii in Florida . C0 , (
Lord Dunraven In Colorado . fio.i
English Land Co. , Florida . M , <
Kntrllsh Land Co..Arkansas . 60 , (
A. Peel , M.P. . Leicestershire , , 10 , (
Sir. I. L. Kav , Yorkshire , Kng . s , (
Alexander Grant. London. Kan. . . S5 , (
r.ngllsh syndicate. WlHoonsln . llo , (
M. Kllprhauser.West Vwinla . 600 , <
A Scotch syndicate In Florida . 500,1
A Scotch syndicate In Florida . 600.1
A , Uoysfln , Uanlsti consul , Mil .
Missouri Land Co. , Edlnburg .
Imperfect digestion nnd asslmll
tion produce disordered conditions
the system which grow and are c <
lirmed by neglect. Dr. J. H. McLoai
( strengthening Cordial and Blood Pu
Her , by IU tonic properties , cures indig
tion and gives tone to thu stomach , fl
per bottlo.
c e
Leadville Bates iHer Honored Eons AbeT
tko Bard of Avon.
i _
English ns Reported Puti nutl Cnll
Realizing i'rohlbUlon-llc Drew
the Line UitiK'a Touching
SOUR i'unny
A Postlinriionq Poem bv Poo.
Every public journal tlmt nniouuts to nnj
thing Is in the Imbit ovcry jcnr or of tent
of brlntrln ont a pustlmmous poem by K < l
par A. Too , Tlil-Ults eloos not wish to bo b <
hind In any such enterprise , and I * wlllin
if called upon to miku : nniilnvlt thnt tlio slit
joined poem Is.fust . ns conulno R postliumou
poem of Ednar A. I'oo as Is published by nu
other papur :
lu a dark , and Mibtcrrnncous opaque , punt
Deep , cavernous recess of gloom thcro sits
midnight uraclo ;
N'o lietul In hrll can stilko a knell , or wcnv
n spull can hold you so.
'As his dread name , His ghoulish name , hi
demon name
1. Toldycrsol
O , drcnd , demoniac , inaticn , and Hhadamai
tlilnn oracle ,
Is thy Plutonian robes of nlht thy slngl
pralsa rhetorical
From the abyss , where demons hiss no phras
like tills , can hold ymt so ,
Like thy black nnmo , Tartarean name , th
uaiuuof llame
1. ToUlyerso 1
In sulphurous catacombs of ploom , In vapoi
lie weaves his plmstly scoptro round thl
JUmdnmnnthlne oracle ;
No demon tone , no ghoulish groan , was eve
known to hold you seAs
As his dread name , I'lutonlc name , his imin
of shauio
1. Toldyorso 1
Enjllnh as Slio Is Ucportoel.
The Buffalo Exnress lias collected tli
following perns m > m "copy" furnislio
by some of its country correspondents-
None of us nmkc expenses at our ctti
tomnry avocations.
Com wentlior don't mnko any difi'ui
once in the receipts.
Yachting talk is becoming an intcros
ing object of discussion.
lie has built nil those hero and seven
of the ones in other towns.
The Jones trial which is now bcin
tried was tried yesterday. It goes on tc
The lire laddies will cxcurt to the Fallen
on Friday.
The .younger element of society wcr
present to the extent of some eighty , an
enjoyed itself hugely.
Trio surprise came upon him wholl
The elegant list of presents was the
It is hoped our Indies will recover fror
their insomnia in thin direction. ( Speak
ing of a dull socilil season. )
oocietyand , indeed iUc whole place , ha
boon gay with d.xbitciuimt.
The surfa/jo " , of affairs was dcepl
stirred. , / '
A line syslom < of sewerage is in vogue
A thick scum would settle on top th
water. j
licr Invitation.
, i } Life.
In the parlonthor were slttln ? ,
Sitting byitheitireliht's clew
Quickly wore the ! minutes flitting ,
Till at last he lose to go.
With tils overcoat nho puttered ,
From her eye escapptl a tear
"Must you go so soon ? " she muttered :
"Won't jou stay to breakfast , ele.vr ? ' '
i j
* PutB nud Calls.
"Papa , " observed little Johnny Ora ;
"what does this mean in the paper. ? "
"What is it , my son ? "
"Why what do 'puts' and.'call .
mean1 '
"They mean , " said the old man , wh
had taken several flyers , "thuy moa
that a man goes down to Wall street an
puts bomu money into the hands of
broker. "
"Well , but what do 'calls' mean ? "
"Oh , they moan , my son , that when 1
calls for it no don't get it. " ,
Ho Fully Itralizert Prohibition-
Wall Street News : "Does prohibitio
prohibit ? " ho demanded ns he glare
around ; "Is there a city or town in nn
prohibition state whore you can't buy
glass of whisky ? "
"I've been in a hundred towns where
couldn't , " answered a tall , lean tram
on the outskirts of the groop.
" couldn't sir ? "
"Why you why ,
"Because I didn't have a nickel. "
One day the ( Jrand Old Man of Hawarden
Went out to foil trees In his ganvarucu ;
Ho tired a bis chip
' ( ialnst achtiicti warwardnn's lip ,
And said most polltuly , "Beg parwardeu. "
The Mule lirow the Line.
Philadelphia Press : Down in Kentucfc
the other day n runaway mule daslu
into a house where a rcd-ncadcd girl wi
playing "Sweet Violets" on a cottat
organ and kicked tlio instrument ini
such little fragments that they had to I
removed with a patent carpet sivcope
Yet people will probably continue to p
right on making faces at destiny just :
though there were no limits to patient
even m a mule.
Why Uncle MOBPS Got Pat.
Texas Sittings : The Rev. Whangdood
Baxter recently met one of the ma !
members of his Hock , and at once a
dressed him.
"Why , Mosc. " ho said , "how stoi
yusogittin'l Yusogitlin1 mighty fat in
jcorpulont in mighty line order , I tel
yer. Dar's nultiii' lean about you , fizz
cally , but spiritually yuse thinner dan
rail. You ( loan1 lean on the Lord cnuff ,
"I kin 'splain all dat ar , " said Mose.
"How docs yor 'splain it , Moso ? "
"I did loan on de Lord an' ebbory Sui
day I listened to yer proachln' , an' 1 gi
as poah as Job's turkey. "
"But how does yer 'splain it ? Ho
does yer count for do transformation ? "
"W hy , doan1 yor see ? "You fitrnisln
do 'liglon an1 I _ does my own fattcnin'
The Fishing Benson.
Oh. brine me f bcAtle of. bait , my dear ,
And bung me am > lo and line ,
And brlnj ; mo a book of Munch.uison's talc
And bring me a , spring day tine ,
Then brln : mo a drop of water , my dear ,
Knougli to till a small dlsli ;
That's all the rest the papers will tell-
How I caught RjwhoppinK big tislil
Bhnkcsprnro Modernized.
What piecfj-work is a man I
There is no'virttio ' like audacity ,
Lend every" ' man thine ear but fo
thine umbrella. (
Small cheer , and great wealth , make
merry feast.
'Tis the tlmo's blague when the optlo
ists load the blind.
I see , the jewel , best enamelledv
lose his beauty ; for ho is snide.
Though authority bo a stubborn ber
yet he is oft led by tho-noso with boodl
Some grief shows much of love ; b
much of grief shows Btill some want
style. ! _
"Western Literary Note * .
Chicago News : Wo acknowledge tl
receipt of a handsome volume entltl
"Tho Trunk Tragedy , A Complete II
tory of the Murder of Prollor and t
Trial of Maxwell. " The author is no
other thun Judge K. A. Norman , of I
Louis , a real estate and house rentu
' and Htoratcur of marked abllii
The book is strongly written and a nu
bor of stirdug illustrations by .local i
tlsts giro the work * peculiar yaluo.
Uoundin paper , with a full page Illus
tration of the unfortunate victim on the
cover , for the reasonable price of 2C
cents , this chef d'ccurro should find its
way Into every homo.
' 1 ho Swine Breeder's Stud book for
1SS7 , is at hand , and brings its usual
amount , of valuable information. Not
an unimportant feature of this volume-
the portrait of the magnificent barrow ,
"Cnoster White Ktng'r which took the
ilrst premium at the Kewnuco fair lasi
During the baseball tourney between
Chlcmro and St. Loui * wo are 'issuing ex
tra editions of tlio Dally News containing
.such excellent reports of the all-import
nnt contest as to excite the warmest ad
miration in leading circles.
Squire Enos Hapgood , who expired bj
a vicious mulj's kick on tha west side
last Monday , was one of the most promi
nent patrons of literature in tlio west.
Before her death , his wife had been n
' ' Book for
subscriber to CJodoy's Lady's
twenty odd vcars.
Captain Bun Wingate has named hts
new barge the Felicia llemans , and the
saaic departed for Saginaw last evening
for a cargo of slungloj.
Colonel T. Wcston Brlggs , the well
known real estate rgont , oilers his mag-
nilice-nt private library lor sale at $4 pet
front foot.
Among the articles of virtue recently
purchased by our esteemed fellow towns'
man , Mr. Townley J. Morris , is one ol
the lirst Knglisn translations of Vigil 'f
/Knoid. This translation was made , we
understand , under the personal super
vision of the eminent pool himself.
There is a current rumor that Judge
Thomas M.Cooloy , chajunanof the inter
state Comus commission , has written t
poem entitled "Trunk Lines ton Railroad
System. "
No Installment Plan For Him.
Pcoria Tran crint : "Do you love me ,
Jane , well enough to marry mu ? " asked
a young Peorian of a Monson streol
"Well , I don't know , John. When 1
first cot acquainted with you I alvnosl
hated you. Then I got so 1 could beai
you. Finally 1 liked you a little. If we
marry 1 may in time come to love yet
with all my heart. "
"No , thank you1 said John , reaching
for his hat , "I don't boliovu I care aboui
marrying on the installment plan. "
And ho tied into the darkness , leavinj
behind him a victim with a broken hear
and a patent bustle. It is little thing :
like this that loadB us to denounce th <
mercenary character of the ago wo liv
Awns' .
Chicago llaald.
First bo sure you're In the right
In wliat'or you wish to do.
Even though you have to fight
All tlio world to push it through :
Then bang away. .
Lot no f col Ing of dismay
Overpower > our single aim ,
Lest the world may truly say
To success you liavo no claim :
So bang away.
Fate disdains a coward heart ,
Ko do you , I darn to say ;
Let that never be jour part ;
Whether work or whether play :
Han z away.
"Put Mo In. "
Ex-Senator Tabor of Colorado , thi
millionaire mino-ownor , has just built i
now opera house in Lcadville , meant li
bo liner than the one in Denver. . A fev
days ago Tabor employed an artist ti
fresco the walls. While ho was at work 01
a portrait of Shakspcaro Tabor enterce
the building and asked who it was tin
artist was painting. "Shakspoare , " wa
the reply. "Who is ho ? " "The greates
dramatist , poet. etc. . that has over lived. '
"Kver done anything for Leadvillo1
"No , I think not , " replied the nrtisl
sadly. "Then paint him right out ani
put me in. "
Anxious to Tell Him.
Put a telephone Into my office , quick ,
Pray don't put it off or bo slow ,
I've just found the commonest liar in town
And I'm anxious to tell him so.
U | > In Oregon.
A young farmer in Oregon , of scholar ! '
tastes , determined to go east to got tin cd
ucation. Ho resolved to cuter the Hai
vard law school. Ho was speaking o
this one day to a minister , wiio cndcav
orod to dissuade him by saying : "M ;
boy , the Apostle Paul has taught us tha
in whatsoever st-ito wo are , we shoul
therewith bo content. " "I know that
sir , " replied the youth respectfully , "bu
if the Apostle Paul had lived in the stat
of Oregon , he wouldn't have lived up t
the principles as Jong as 1 have. "
Recalled a Touching Sonjr.
"The bald heads , resembling billian
balls one sees in the front seats at ai
opera bonlTo entertainment always make
me feel sad , " remarked Jinks.
"Why so ? " asked Dinks.
"Thoy bring to memory a touchini
song. "
"What song ? "
"Why , carrom mo back to old Vir
ginny. "
For Strains , Sprains and Bruises.
TOIIN TEEMER , Champion Oarsman
* * of America.
" I lmo found fct. Jacobs Oil of Inestim
able tuluc. " '
MR. J. C. COPELAND , Editor Austra
lian ( V'VI. Sydney , N. H. W.
" My.tricj rle Journey of 1200 miles would
nut Imve been completed without t.
Jacobs , Oil. "
MR. WM. BEACH. World's Champion
Oartnmn , Kuynl Hotel , Hyde.
"St. Jacobs Oil cures stilTiiUM. cramps
and inuiiulur palus lu training , " _
CAPT. PAUL BOYTON , the world-
renowned Swimmer ,
" I do not too hi w I could get along with
out St. Jacobs Oil. "
MR. JOHN IIOLFE , Champion Bicy-
clW , 81 Liverpool St , Sydney , N. 8. W.
"After riding l , m mild iiBttfiisttlmi.Pt.
Jacob * Oil reiuincd all fatigue and ralu. "
MH. E. F. PAINTER , London Ath
letic Club.
" St. Jacob Oil cured mo of a sprained
tcnduu. "
J DWAHD IIANL AN , Champion Oare-
"For muscular i > ahu I.bavo found St.
Jacobs Oil imaluablu. "
unlly find collectively :
Uao Kt. Jacob * Oil for upruliu , strains and
bruises. _ _ _
ALL ASSOCIATIONS of Field Sport * .
Turf , Wiiter nnd lloiid , utts St. Jacobs Oil
for ti > rjlU4 , ttraliu uud bruises.
Kvrry application gives relief j every bottle
rout us ft cure ; every Imttly tested ns lo uuul-
Ity ; uvery ni'iuilno bottle U-nn the llrm's file-
simile kftfiiature : every homo In America
knows iu > value ; every spnlen language knows
Itsii i.o ; every Journal | irnl es U ; every dealer
knowulUinerltaj every tlu'inlktllndsIt i crfect.
Sold by DriiL-gUts and Dmler. . I'licu llfly
wilts per bottle. The Cuarle * A. Vcgelcr Co. ,
lUltltnorf. Md.
end all akin disease * . A new method of com
poundine Tar. A Cure ( ruaruntcod , or mono ]
fefumlod. Bold ur drucnltti , and nt thn oUlcoo
TAR-OID CO.,7) likteinitt , CMICAM.
And Listen to the Song of thi Chief.
Wo wish to call your attention to the Minnesota Chief Tlircslilu ? Machine
for the season of 18B7. Wo take pleasure iu introducing to our customers ,
the best Separator In the market , being perfect In every detail. Wo spare
neither pains nor expense to make Til K "CHIEF" TIIK loitditiff machine In
tlio market , and have added , therefore ,
To the sepcrntor alone , which makes it beyond doubt , the most perfect ma
chine offered to the trade for the year 18U7.
It threshes everything a farmer can raise wheat , oats , rye , barley , flax ,
timothy , millet , clover , and peas , requiring no change of parts , except con
caves and sieves. Why does it do all this ? Because it is neither a VIBRA
TOR nor an APRON machine , but surpasses either in all the essential re
quirements of a perfect thresher.
We call your attention with pride to the
"Chief's" Oyliiidar , Side-gear , Elevator ,
Straw Stacker , Shoe Separating Tablet
Hagcr Attachments , Wagon Loading Elevator , style of frame , finish of ma
chine and above nil to its simplicity of construction.
We also wish to call your attention to our
and also the "PITTS IMPROVED. Tlireo stvles of powers , all of them first
class. Some prefer one kind , some another. We also state without fear of
contradiction ; that we manufacture the belt STRAW BURNING ENGINES
now iu the market. Our Giant and Traction engines have no peers. One of
the chief merits of steam power is to have an engine wulch steams easily ,
with little orjno trouble. Our engines cannot be beaten in this respect.
For further particulars , address ,
Receiver of the Northwestern M'fTfi : and Car Co. , Btillwatcr , Minn , and
0. P. McKKSSON , General Agent , Council Bluffs , Iowa.
Is produced from twelve pow-
RAIL-ROAD REIYltDY er&\ \ vegetable Ingredients , Q
the medical world.
results known to
Ihc mosl
manhnilated to produce
nain and serenes *
relief from everv
IU action is both sure and speedy , giving instant
lo which flesh Is heir. A positive cure for Croup , Cittarrll ,
lera Morbus , Colds , Sore Throat and Lungs ;
Earache , mo Bock o
Toothache ,
Headache ,
Inthclrworst forms ;
Bruises , Burns , Scalds , Corns. Chilblains ami
Side Snralus , Cute ,
of teslimo-
' kemedy but what hundreds -
Frost Bites. 'We make no claim for
. We the following :
established. publish
T character liave
nlals of U highest
E.P. UOGOKM , Secretary of Stale , ays : "I have kept ampply onUllroid Konedy on
for use Hon in ray family. 1 JounJ it all you rcrircscnlcd , and cheerfully jCtgl < J ; 5i5"Ln.on , | ( Ncb.
flSSS i B
'Ovor 8,000 109 cases curia. For inle by nl llliet oil > driiKK'sts. ' Tiat * supplied by Rich-
orilson DiUKComi an ) , Gmuliu.
1213 Farnam Street.
O .
House Furnishing Goods.
! "
With eliding Detachable
Springs , car Better tbau
Whalebone or HoruJ 9
and guaranteed sieve ? to
break. Price , $
For sale by leading wholesale aod teUU caUb-
412Broadway , N. Y. , Manufacturers.
f BJi A K4 l '
Cor. 1 3th ST. and CAPITOL AYE. , OMAHA , NEB.
Best facilities , opi.nratus and remcdlci for BUCCCM.
JullrlroHtlng oil kinds of rocdlrn. and turglcalcatcf
WRITE ronC'iucuninoii Deformities ted Ilractt ,
Club Feet , Curvatiiro of ho Hplnc , Dlscuei of Wo
men , I'ilcD , Tumors , Cnnci-rs , Catarrh , UroncUltUj ,
I'aralyoh , Epilepsy , Kidney , llladder. Eye , Ktt
Sltln ami niooil , and all huruJfnl Operation ! .
On Private , Special and Ncrvmia Dlicatei , Sum
Inal\Veakncu.b | > cruialorrhiraImpoteucrB/ | ,
OonorrUtra. Gleet. Varlcocelc. Henlfo.urlnarj
Ur ! S..5J'y ' RellabloMEDIOAI. INt
of tue nbor
STITUTE making a specialty *
named ill wuct.
iicw UeitoratlvcTrcatmeni for Lees ofVital Tower.
rvcr cause produced , siiccciirullr treated without
icrcnry. Mrdlcluca or InitriimenU ent by mill
, cxr > ri > < , rtcurely packed from observation.
Olll and consult s , or rend Mtlory of case , with
cii > . All cnmnnnlratlons strlctlr confidential.
ifll UnAMCl'nrUJo of patients. Hoard nnd alien *
UU nUUBO anceeatoiialiki. . AddrtM all Utter *
flor.lSthSU * dnlk > l AvtU QmAJMJffffcW.