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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 21, 1998)
Who’ll be the big cheese? Gubernatorial candidates finally get down to the real issues TODD MUNSON is a junior broadcasting major and a Daily Nebraskan colum nist Sometimes weird things spawn from even weirder ideas. Take last week for instance. Jessica at the Juice Stop dared me to try living for a week on nothing but wheatgrass. Not only did my poop turn a kryp tonite shade of green, but I had a vim and vigor that fitness guru Jack LaLaine couldn’t dream of matching. Days of nonstop shenanigans included yanking Memorial Stadium from its foundation by stringing a piece of den tal floss around a pillar and tugging really hard. Soon, showing off my newly found brute strength lost its novelty, and I decided to put my energy into some thing more productive - like making an informed decision about who will be my new neighbor. AtVlQ \Tai ramKot* wwr orv* t m fVia election could determine who moves in next door. For the rest of you, your vote could determine who is the next gover nor of the great state of Nebraska. So, courtesy of a wheatgrass induced hallucination and minutes of excruciating research, here is a preview of all the candidates hoping for your vote in the primary election on May 12. Bring on the white guys!! But before we do, I’d like to thank Ben Nelson. Aside from the one time I heard Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” blasting from his house late at night, Ben has been a great neighbor. Now, without further ado, bring on the white guys!! Because I love each and every one of you so much, I went through the trouble of calling the offices of the can didates. I say trouble because even the state office of the Democratic Party didn’t know who their candidates were. Consequently, finding a phone number to reach the unknown Democrats was almost impossible. Three questions were asked of * them: Why should college-aged people vote for them? What are their hobbies? If they were stuck on a desert island which cheese would they pick, Gorgonzola or Gouda? Starting with the Three Stooges, er, the three Republicans, there’s John Breslow, Jon Christensen and Mike Johanns. (Editors note: The following is Todd’s opinion and nothing more. He is a columnist and not a real journalist. Thus, what you read isn’t necessarily die truth. If any of the candidates men tioned actually read this, have mercy on Todd. He is a poor, uneducated boy from the ghetto who was forced to smoke way too much crack during his formative years.) John Breslow is the businessman who promises to run Nebraska like a business. The man is like an enigma inside of a puzzle that’s wrapped in a box. At one time he was a liberal Democrat. Now, he’s a fiery Republican hell bent on discriminating against gays. With his afro he stood 5 foot-6 but with his new, hip, reverse mohawk, he’s back to 4-3. My first call to Breslow resulted in being hung up on. A second try got me through to Jerrv Hudson, director of communications. College-aged people should vote for J.B. because, “The Breslow mes sage is one of small government, lower taxes, increased support for education and crime prevention.” To translate that: If you work in a governmental job and like to steal car stereos on weekends, don’t vote for Breslow. During the week, he’ll have you standing in an unemploy ment line and on the weekend he’ll have The Man put your ass in the wringer. As for hobbies, “John Breslow is a warm, caring individual. Golf, skiing and flying are among his passions.” Mr. Hudson then goes on to sound a lot like Waylon Smithers when he says, “I’ve grown quite fond of John.” So, if John were stuck on a desert island which cheese would he pick? “He’s a Gouda kind of guy. That’s entirely a guess.” Next, we have Jon “Whitebread” Christensen. Based on the intangibles, Christensen is the ace boom-boom choice for governor. He has the most hair, the whitest teeth and most impor tantly, this young strapping buck from St Paul is engaged to a former Miss America. I would vote for him in a sec ond if 1 knew his fiancee enjoyed sun bathing in the front yard. Feeling distrustful of my intent, Christensen’s compound had me fax them my hard-hitting questions. Much to my surprise they faxed me back. “As all students need to keep more of their money, they are very excited about Jon’s plan to cut sales taxes, income taxes and property taxes by 10 percent And students can trust Jon will get this done because he is the only candidate for governor that has a proven record for cutting taxes for all Nebraskans.” Wow. That’s a snappy answer but keep in mind that it took two days for his people to respond, so they had plenty of time to think. On the more important issues, Jon enjoys going out and shooting the basketball whenever he can. He is an avid Husker football fan, loves to hunt and prefers Gouda cheese. j We know the final Republican as the mayor of Lincoln - Mike Johanns. If you don’t know him, take my word when I say the man is so dry that he has sand running through his veins. Even Vicky, his campaign manager says, “he’s a boring person who has no hob- a bies.” She later reneged by adding, \ “hp dnps likp tn hnat and hp pninvs i walking.” I In regards to actual issues ' related to the election, he chooses to go the Stafford Loan route by promising to send state sales and income tax revenue back to proper ty taxpayers in the form of “direct rebate checks.” That’s fine and dandy, but many college students don’t own any property other than a used couch and several packages of Ramen Noodles. The most interesting tidbit I learned from Vicky is that Mike is a Gouda fen. Spooky, aU the Republicans like Gouda. Now the Democrats, or, in this election, should I say Democants? First we have Bill “Hillbilly” Hoppner, from parts unknown. When I called his office, I was greeted with extreme paranoia and a groan when I said I was from the Daily Nebraskan. A fellow who goes by the name of “Johnster” made me ask all my ques tions before answering any of them. When it came to the cheese one, he became quite gruff and said, “I don’t think Bill is going to answer that.” He then promised to call me back aner he got the answers directly from Bill. Hey Johnster, i since I’m still wait- „ \ \ ing for a reply, allow \ \\ me to answer ^ ;J \ the cheese a \\ V • question \ \\ \\ onBiii's \ \V \ behalf. If I ' - were betting man, I would wager that Bill Hoppner is a huge fan of “Ass Cheese.” The final candidate, Jim McFarland, isn’t even human but a robot I say this because his office answered the phone with a series of high pitched whines. A more educated person would say I called a fax machine. I say McFarland is an android from outer space whose mission is to begin the hostile take over of Earth by first brainwashing us gullible Nebraskans. There you are, a preview of the quin tet of quacks who feel they have the skills to be Nebraska’s next governor. So who’s Todd voting for? I’m casting my ballot for Jon Christensen based strictly on the endorsement by Randy “Duke” Cunningham, die original “Maverick” and the inspiration for the movie ‘Top Gun.” Anyone with a recommendation like that can be my wingman anytime. Besides, I hear Miss America has a lit tle sister who is just aching for a MunsmeatPie. “ - ji , \j . •' •• Damning dating People should make own choices about life experiences KASEY KERBER is a junior news-editorial major and opinion editor for the Daily Nebraskan. His name is Joshua Harris. He’s sold 55,000 copies of a book at age 22. His face is on the novel’s cover, and his message is unmistak ably present in the title. Th#» hnnlr ie rullwl “TlficcpH Dating Goodbye.” Harris, at age 17, made the deci sion not to date. He called dating a “game” and concluded that it was a waste of time. And while I admire Harris for his show of strength, I think he has one scrambled egg of a message. Sure, it would be easy to accept his reasons (devotion to God, a need for friendships and the saving of time and eneigy), but I believe Harris is missing out on one of life’s greatest experi ences. I won’t call dating one of the seven wonders of the world (heck, when your date locks you out of the car and sets fire to your fuzzy dice, it’s far hum it), but I will say that dating helps a person care, love, laugh, smile and grow. And for this reason, I challenge Harris and all 55,000 copies of his book (and his face) in circulation. Harris’ main reason for not dating is his devotion to God. He claims that by not dating, he can devote more time to God and to helninp others. But does God advocate against dating? Premartial sex probably. Adultery by all means. But taking a girl to dinner and a movie? Never. Harris has pulled his own message from his faith, which is fine. But when he sells 55,000 copies of his book and tries to place this mes sage upon others -1 have a real prob lem with it. Not because what he’s advocating is evil, because it’s not. Or because what he’s saying is entirely religion based, because it’s not I’m challenging Joshua Harris because there are some decisions in life that you should make on your own. If you find that dating is not the answer to happiness - then don’t date. You’ll save a lot of money and never have to worry about breath mints again. But I find notiiing wrong with going out on a date or two to come to this conclusion (especially about the breath mints). Harris’ novel is slightly ignorant, because it’s not based on experience. How can someone who’s never been on a date or in a “relationship” lash out at them? I’m a firm believer in experience. You can’t claim to hate brussel sprouts if you’ve never eaten a brussel sprout You can’t hate someone of another race until you’ve gotten to know diem. To act in any manner opposite this is to open two palms smeared with igno rance. Now I don’t claim to be a dating Mecca. Heck, I never even went on a date in high school (I don’t count cart ing around die prom date in a mini van). Yet I have dated enough to know 1 that it adds a facet to life you can’t gain by being “friends” with every guy 1 or girl you come across. ; There are bonds made (and yes, sometimes broken) in dating. There is 1 happiness exchanged and a sense of feeling needed and cared about There’s also a heart full of memories you’ve created Harris also makes die mistake of < claiming that dating can lead to sex. < His message is: Don’t date, and the temptation won’t be there. But to make such a generalization i is to assume dating will always lead to < sex. And while dinner and movie can ] sometimes lead to the horizontal lam Ko/lo T ftiinh- mAfa aOuh Vion ra the common sense not to let hormones ] prevail each and every time they go out But if there’s one thing Harris’ novel disturbs me about, it’s the impli- < cations for an uncertain future. Harris skips dating entirety, mean ing he will go straight from the pond < to the dry world of marriage (no pun < intended). i How can you devote yourself to the person you “love” if you’ve never i >een more intimate than “friends”? You mean to tell me that the first ime you will hold hands is when you’re exchanging vows? Friendship is critically important, a >ase from which love springs - but if Tiendship is the only base from which fou stand: you’re on a see-sawing iiture.... So I challenge Joshua Harris. I challenge him to reconsider his beliefs >r at least some of the ideas I’ve pre sented. And while Harris will probably lever read this column or hear of my challenge, I know you, the reader; lave. And so I challenge you to do this: "V__ 1 - J i I* 1 -'uu i uuiv wiuu i vc skuu <u iou; vmuc. Don’t agree with me. Don’t agree with foshua Harris. Instead, place your decisions on such matters as dating and sex on your )wn experiences, information and sound, sober judgment. And then if shelling out $10 fora foliar movie and fast-food dinner foesn’t sound like the way to go for he rest of your life... ... you can at least say that you and )nly you made the ultimate decision. %