Who’ll be the big cheese?
Gubernatorial candidates finally get down to the real issues
TODD MUNSON is a junior
broadcasting major and a
Daily Nebraskan colum
nist
Sometimes weird things spawn
from even weirder ideas.
Take last week for instance. Jessica
at the Juice Stop dared me to try living
for a week on nothing but wheatgrass.
Not only did my poop turn a kryp
tonite shade of green, but I had a vim
and vigor that fitness guru Jack
LaLaine couldn’t dream of matching.
Days of nonstop shenanigans included
yanking Memorial Stadium from its
foundation by stringing a piece of den
tal floss around a pillar and tugging
really hard.
Soon, showing off my newly found
brute strength lost its novelty, and I
decided to put my energy into some
thing more productive - like making an
informed decision about who will be
my new neighbor.
AtVlQ \Tai ramKot* wwr orv* t m fVia
election could determine who moves in
next door. For the rest of you, your vote
could determine who is the next gover
nor of the great state of Nebraska.
So, courtesy of a wheatgrass
induced hallucination and minutes of
excruciating research, here is a preview
of all the candidates hoping for your
vote in the primary election on May 12.
Bring on the white guys!!
But before we do, I’d like to thank
Ben Nelson. Aside from the one time I
heard Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise”
blasting from his house late at night,
Ben has been a great neighbor.
Now, without further ado, bring on
the white guys!!
Because I love each and every one
of you so much, I went through the
trouble of calling the offices of the can
didates.
I say trouble because even the state
office of the Democratic Party didn’t
know who their candidates were.
Consequently, finding a phone number
to reach the unknown Democrats was
almost impossible.
Three questions were asked of
*
them: Why should college-aged people
vote for them? What are their hobbies?
If they were stuck on a desert island
which cheese would they pick,
Gorgonzola or Gouda?
Starting with the Three Stooges, er,
the three Republicans, there’s John
Breslow, Jon Christensen and Mike
Johanns.
(Editors note: The following is
Todd’s opinion and nothing more. He is
a columnist and not a real journalist.
Thus, what you read isn’t necessarily
die truth. If any of the candidates men
tioned actually read this, have mercy on
Todd. He is a poor, uneducated boy
from the ghetto who was forced to
smoke way too much crack during his
formative years.)
John Breslow is the businessman
who promises to run Nebraska like a
business. The man is like an enigma
inside of a puzzle that’s wrapped in a
box. At one time he was a liberal
Democrat. Now, he’s a fiery
Republican hell bent on discriminating
against gays. With his afro he stood 5
foot-6 but with his new, hip, reverse
mohawk, he’s back to 4-3.
My first call to Breslow resulted in
being hung up on. A second try got me
through to Jerrv Hudson, director of
communications.
College-aged people should vote
for J.B. because, “The Breslow mes
sage is one of small government, lower
taxes, increased support for education
and crime prevention.”
To translate that: If you work in a
governmental job and like to steal
car stereos on weekends, don’t vote
for Breslow. During the week, he’ll
have you standing in an unemploy
ment line and on the weekend he’ll
have The Man put your ass in the
wringer.
As for hobbies, “John Breslow is a
warm, caring individual. Golf, skiing
and flying are among his passions.” Mr.
Hudson then goes on to sound a lot like
Waylon Smithers when he says, “I’ve
grown quite fond of John.”
So, if John were stuck on a desert
island which cheese would he pick?
“He’s a Gouda kind of guy. That’s
entirely a guess.”
Next, we have Jon “Whitebread”
Christensen. Based on the intangibles,
Christensen is the ace boom-boom
choice for governor. He has the most
hair, the whitest teeth and most impor
tantly, this young strapping buck from
St Paul is engaged to a former Miss
America. I would vote for him in a sec
ond if 1 knew his fiancee enjoyed sun
bathing in the front yard.
Feeling distrustful of my intent,
Christensen’s compound had me fax
them my hard-hitting questions. Much
to my surprise they faxed me back.
“As all students need to keep more
of their money, they are very excited
about Jon’s plan to cut sales taxes,
income taxes and property taxes by 10
percent And students can trust Jon will
get this done because he is the only
candidate for governor that has a
proven record for cutting taxes for all
Nebraskans.”
Wow. That’s a snappy answer but
keep in mind that it took two days for
his people to respond, so they had
plenty of time to think.
On the more important issues, Jon
enjoys going out and shooting the
basketball whenever he can. He is
an avid Husker football fan, loves to
hunt and prefers Gouda cheese. j
We know the final Republican
as the mayor of Lincoln - Mike
Johanns. If you don’t know him,
take my word when I say the man is
so dry that he has sand running
through his veins. Even Vicky, his
campaign manager says, “he’s a
boring person who has no hob- a
bies.” She later reneged by adding, \
“hp dnps likp tn hnat and hp pninvs
i
walking.” I
In regards to actual issues '
related to the election, he chooses
to go the Stafford Loan route by
promising to send state sales and
income tax revenue back to proper
ty taxpayers in the form of “direct
rebate checks.” That’s fine and
dandy, but many college students
don’t own any property other than a
used couch and several packages of
Ramen Noodles.
The most interesting tidbit I learned
from Vicky is that Mike is a Gouda fen.
Spooky, aU the Republicans like
Gouda.
Now the Democrats, or, in this
election, should I say Democants?
First we have Bill “Hillbilly”
Hoppner, from parts unknown. When
I called his office, I was greeted with
extreme paranoia and a groan when I
said I was from the Daily Nebraskan.
A fellow who goes by the name of
“Johnster” made me ask all my ques
tions before answering any of them.
When it came to the cheese one, he
became quite gruff and said, “I don’t
think Bill is going to answer that.”
He then promised to call me back
aner he got the answers directly
from Bill. Hey Johnster, i
since I’m still wait- „ \ \
ing for a reply, allow \ \\
me to answer ^ ;J \
the cheese a \\ V •
question \ \\ \\
onBiii's \ \V \
behalf. If I
' -
were
betting man, I
would wager that Bill Hoppner is a
huge fan of “Ass Cheese.”
The final candidate, Jim
McFarland, isn’t even human but a
robot I say this because his office
answered the phone with a series of
high pitched whines. A more educated
person would say I called a fax
machine. I say McFarland is an android
from outer space whose mission is to
begin the hostile take over of Earth by
first brainwashing us gullible
Nebraskans.
There you are, a preview of the
quin
tet of quacks who feel they have the
skills to be Nebraska’s next governor.
So who’s Todd voting for?
I’m casting my ballot for Jon
Christensen based strictly on the
endorsement by Randy “Duke”
Cunningham, die original “Maverick”
and the inspiration for the movie ‘Top
Gun.” Anyone with a recommendation
like that can be my wingman anytime.
Besides, I hear Miss America has a lit
tle sister who is just aching for a
MunsmeatPie. “ -
ji , \j . •' ••
Damning dating
People should make own choices about life experiences
KASEY KERBER is a
junior news-editorial
major and opinion editor
for the Daily Nebraskan.
His name is Joshua Harris.
He’s sold 55,000 copies of a book
at age 22. His face is on the novel’s
cover, and his message is unmistak
ably present in the title.
Th#» hnnlr ie rullwl “TlficcpH
Dating Goodbye.”
Harris, at age 17, made the deci
sion not to date. He called dating a
“game” and concluded that it was a
waste of time.
And while I admire Harris for his
show of strength, I think he has one
scrambled egg of a message.
Sure, it would be easy to accept his
reasons (devotion to God, a need for
friendships and the saving of time and
eneigy), but I believe Harris is missing
out on one of life’s greatest experi
ences.
I won’t call dating one of the seven
wonders of the world (heck, when
your date locks you out of the car and
sets fire to your fuzzy dice, it’s far
hum it), but I will say that dating helps
a person care, love, laugh, smile and
grow.
And for this reason, I challenge
Harris and all 55,000 copies of his
book (and his face) in circulation.
Harris’ main reason for not dating
is his devotion to God. He claims that
by not dating, he can devote more time
to God and to helninp others.
But does God advocate against
dating? Premartial sex probably.
Adultery by all means. But taking a
girl to dinner and a movie? Never.
Harris has pulled his own message
from his faith, which is fine.
But when he sells 55,000 copies of
his book and tries to place this mes
sage upon others -1 have a real prob
lem with it.
Not because what he’s advocating
is evil, because it’s not. Or because
what he’s saying is entirely religion
based, because it’s not
I’m challenging Joshua Harris
because there are some decisions in
life that you should make on your own.
If you find that dating is not the
answer to happiness - then don’t date.
You’ll save a lot of money and never
have to worry about breath mints
again.
But I find notiiing wrong with
going out on a date or two to come to
this conclusion (especially about the
breath mints).
Harris’ novel is slightly ignorant,
because it’s not based on experience.
How can someone who’s never been
on a date or in a “relationship” lash out
at them?
I’m a firm believer in experience.
You can’t claim to hate brussel sprouts
if you’ve never eaten a brussel sprout
You can’t hate someone of another
race until you’ve gotten to know diem.
To act in any manner opposite this is to
open two palms smeared with igno
rance.
Now I don’t claim to be a dating
Mecca. Heck, I never even went on a
date in high school (I don’t count cart
ing around die prom date in a mini
van).
Yet I have dated enough to know 1
that it adds a facet to life you can’t
gain by being “friends” with every guy 1
or girl you come across. ;
There are bonds made (and yes,
sometimes broken) in dating. There is 1
happiness exchanged and a sense of
feeling needed and cared about
There’s also a heart full of memories
you’ve created
Harris also makes die mistake of <
claiming that dating can lead to sex. <
His message is: Don’t date, and the
temptation won’t be there.
But to make such a generalization i
is to assume dating will always lead to <
sex. And while dinner and movie can ]
sometimes lead to the horizontal lam
Ko/lo T ftiinh- mAfa aOuh Vion ra
the common sense not to let hormones ]
prevail each and every time they go
out
But if there’s one thing Harris’
novel disturbs me about, it’s the impli- <
cations for an uncertain future.
Harris skips dating entirety, mean
ing he will go straight from the pond <
to the dry world of marriage (no pun <
intended). i
How can you devote yourself to
the person you “love” if you’ve never i
>een more intimate than “friends”?
You mean to tell me that the first
ime you will hold hands is when
you’re exchanging vows?
Friendship is critically important, a
>ase from which love springs - but if
Tiendship is the only base from which
fou stand: you’re on a see-sawing
iiture....
So I challenge Joshua Harris. I
challenge him to reconsider his beliefs
>r at least some of the ideas I’ve pre
sented.
And while Harris will probably
lever read this column or hear of my
challenge, I know you, the reader;
lave.
And so I challenge you to do this:
"V__ 1 - J i I* 1
-'uu i uuiv wiuu i vc skuu <u iou; vmuc.
Don’t agree with me. Don’t agree with
foshua Harris.
Instead, place your decisions on
such matters as dating and sex on your
)wn experiences, information and
sound, sober judgment.
And then if shelling out $10 fora
foliar movie and fast-food dinner
foesn’t sound like the way to go for
he rest of your life...
... you can at least say that you and
)nly you made the ultimate decision.
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