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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1993)
Booze Digestion %£§&?£* Spam Granule announces his next magical trick during a performance Wednesday at the Sands in Las Vegas. Granule said he enjoys both his new career and his new look. Chancellor doing tricks for bucks in Las Vegas By Buford Pusser Staff Reporter • LAS VEGAS — “Abracadabra!” Spam Granule exclaimed. A rabbit jumped out of his sleeve. The show had begun. The crowd at the Golden Nugget in down town Las Vegas, rose to its feet. Granule rel ished the moment. “Ever since I was a young man at Stoned Brook, N.Y., I have dreamed of this moment,” he told the awed assemblage. “Big-time magic in Vegas!” Granule’s voyage to stardom began years ago after hanging out in magic stores in Des Moines, Iowa. “It is a place of magic. Magic surges through Des Moines,” he said. “Hocus Pocusi” Soon after becoming chancellor at the Uni versity of No-Leaming, Granule realized that his talent for slight-of-hand gained him respect in the university community. “The NU Bored of Rejects appreciates good, cheap tricks,” he said. “And I learned from them as well, such as how to make people like Drab None disappear.” Granule soon quit his post at NUL and took his act on the road with the help of his buddy James Greasy, former NUL vice chancellor for stupid affairs. The trip wasn ’t wi thout its difficulties, Gran ule said. “Not everyone is as willing to hire my wife as NUL was.” But after stints at Atlantic City, Reno and Jackson Hole, Wyo., Granule was discovered by a talent scout for Glitter Gulch, a reputable Las Vegas hotel. The Gulch is where Granule said his craft — it Yes, Vegas is the town forme. Spam Granule NUL Chancellor -ft - really came together. “The crazy thing was, one afternoon I found Doug Henning curled up in thegutter outside,” he said. “Fora pint of Jack he told me the secrets of his mysterious powers.” Granule and Greasy left the Gulch and began making the Vegas circuit to the delight of hordes of old people. The duo’s days are much less grueling then they used to be, and between the slot machines and blackjack tables, the former college gurus have made a tidy sum. Granule said he sometimes missed the life of academia, but the lights of Las Vegas were compensation enough. “Ah, the Sands, tne Flamingo, Caesar’s Pal ace ... Yes, Vegas is the town for me,” he said, clutching an old microscope. Greasy agreed. “Why should I work long hours and put up with whining ANUS members when I could be lounging around at Glitter Gulch?” he asked. “Spam said he needed me out here. And since Henning taught him the finer points of sawing someone in naif, it hasn’t been all that bad." The crowd at the Golden Nugget roared again as Granule pulled handkerchiefs out of Greasy’s ear. “Abracadabra!” Granule said. Korney pres tired of feeling like a flunky KORNEY University of Ne braska at Komey student reject Anty Crock is sick of how flUNK students are treated in the Nebraska system. “I think some people kind of look at us as the no-good, draft-dodgin’, smack-talkin’, tube-sock-wearin*. cousin-lovin’, tree-huggm’, Broken Bow-kissin’, Antclope-worshippin’, prairie-dog-killin’, beef jerky-eatin’, cow-tippin’, mailbox-smashin’, beer belly rubbin’, livestock-raisin’, moon shine-steal in’, leg-shavin’, prune juice-drinkin’, pig-squealin', sheep shearin’, cheek-squeezin’ bastard step-children of the University,” Crock cried. “But we’re not. “Honest, we’re not” And, Crock cried, if the Legisla ture wants to cut any more of Komey’s budget or cattle-feed, he might have to hop a Greyhound and ride into the Legislature to tell senators what he thinks of it. “I'll tell them that if they cut off our legs, we won’t have anything left to country dance with,” Crock cried. And before he does that, Crock cried that he’s going to wait for a rainy day so he can stand out in the rain in front of the legislature in a t-shirt. “And then I’ll scream ‘COW ARDS!’ at them with all my might,” he said. -M---^:l I think some people kind of look at us as the no good; draft-dodgin’, smack-talkin’, tube-sock wearln’, cousin-lovin’, tree-huggln’, Broken Bow klssln’, Antelope-worshlppln’, prairie-dog-killin’, beef jerky-eatin\ cow-tlppln’, mailbox-smash in’, ! beer-belly rubbin’, livestock-raisin’, moonshlne stealln’, ieg-shavln’, prune-Julce-drinkin’, pig squealin’, sheep-shearln’, cheek-squeezin’bastard step-children of the University. But we’re not. Crock HUNK student reject -ft - Someplace you’ve never been, where a guy walked into the street ANAL PRESS Daily Harassment Pttts-upCrew "Eager Kleegar Mel (jee' plain Mai) MirKeiLefiniu ii_n Editor Christ Hoppysnot Managing Editor 472-l7M(Ju*t Asooc. Nows Editors donl call) Alan Whelps Trendy Snott Low Opinion Editor Gerimr nSmMck Wlerd Editor Claude Pooper Sloppy Desk Editor Franky Stein ^ Spurts Editor John BonAdklooon Perversions Editor * rnoto uitf Night Snoozers Steve Smutty \jOf\ Quinones Fart Director Scott Mauler Chak Warmer Don Shltheel ' Whiner Kale Picky Low Percentage J. Crewe Senior AsJSsaer Bruoa"Loo—" Claaslaes Ad Manager TKo Jackson Publications Bowd Chairman SmugFoolhor Tha Daily Harassment is published by the NUL Publications Bored, bottom floor, Nabraakl Union 34, 1400 Are St., Lincoln. Nub.,ekwnever tha ha« wa leal Ilka doing it during tha academic year; rarely during sum mer sessions nsstosrs are sncouragsd to taksihak story Ideas and oommants and shove ’em. Editors are encouraged to tska thalr story Ideas at Ml times. Remember our motto: H you don't Pke R, don’t read It." ALL MATERIAL COPYRIGHT 1M3 DAILY HARASSMENT "Bye Bye. Buy Bonds* -EK. King til the typesetting Ml Vanish Continued from Page 1 have searched for the elusive, yet according to Stool, involved leader. Thus far, 10 sightings have been recorded, including today’s. Five have been at Burger King since the arrival of the new “Meat Loaf Sandwich Meal Deal.” One was at last night’s ANUS meeting, one at the Cherry Hut and the restsating on Stool’s left shoul der. “He likes it there,” Stool said. “Can’t blame him.” Details ofVanish’sappearance are sketchy. Police artists were enlisted last week to draw up something stu dents might more easily worship. “It’s a pretty good likeness," said Jones, taking another bite of Meatloaf Sandwich and looking at the new drawing. “But I think he has a glass eye.” In a letter allegedly written by Police rendition of Vanish Vanish and read aloud by Stool, the new president said, “Boo.” ANUS Continued from Page 1 “We’re all Christians here,” one member called out. “Bum the her etics! Bum the witches!” A mob then formed and marched out the ANUS office doors after care fully marking meeting attendance with gold foil stars on a handy ANUS window chart. “All gold stars,” smiled newly elected second vice president Jill Aphi An obviously disheveled Vanish walked quickly down the hall and, shaking, disappeared intoa bathroom. Other members shuffled out the doors. “Witches! Witches! Burn the witches,” they chanted, apparently used to being without a leader. Cheeserson pulled out a megaphone and trotted along beside the crowd, unwittingly trampling O’my Gosh underfoot. “Hey, hey, ho, ho, non-Christians have got to go!” Cheeserson yelled. “How do you work this megaphone?” Senators made their way to Broyhill Fountain, where a shouting match ensued between Sen. Wrong Schmidt - and Jed Schmuck,a traveling campus preacher. “I’m more of a Christian than you are!” Schmidt yelled. “Says who?*’ Schmuck shot back. The preacher then tossed Schmidt into the fountain, where the two wrestled as they quoted Scripture. “Sinner! Sinnnnnglubglub Schmidt said. “Glub. In other business, members voted to create 46 new committees to deal with “issues,” Stool said, bringing the official ANUS committee total to 364. “Issues are important,” Stool said. “We want to slick to the issues. We will really strive to get going on those issues. Hkciu>( ” he cairi makinir A fist. Beginning midnight Wednesday: Non-Keith Vanish-related inci dents: 1:19 a.m. — Bike stolen, Slavery Hall. $200. 3:32 a.m. — One transported to detox, Nebraska Union. 5:52 a.m. — Bike stolen, Slavery Hall. $317. 9:37 a.m.—Graduate student lost in pothole, Area 20 parking lot, R Street. 11:29 a.m.—Bike stolen, Slavery -POLICE REPORT--, Hall. $2,800. 7:16 p.m.-‘-Robbery, Super Saver 48th and O streets, $1.000worth of marshmallows. 8:23 p.m. — Bike stolen, Slavery Hall. $16,231. 9:27 p.m. — Richards Hall stolen. $27.45. 10:47p.m.—Bike stolen, Slavery Hall. $23,434. J 11:38 p.m. — Vandalism, gradu ate student arrested in Area 20 lot. Marshmallows recovered. 11:40 p.m.~ Bike stolen, Slavery Hall. $153,000. 11:55 p.m. — Student stabbed in sorority squabble, Alphor Phrce house, 1531 S Sl Keith Vanish-related incidents: Beginningmidnight Wednesday: 10:30 a.m.—Man trapped in bath room, Awphul Grammar Schmegma,4001 Holdrege Sl Fire department rescue. 5:46 p.m.—One-vehicle accident with tree, 40th and St. Paul streets. -—_ Transported to Lincoln General .1. — Convenience-store robbery, 27th and South streets, $400. 7:48 p.m. — Airplane crash, 309 N. 40th Sl 9:21 pjn.—Petroleum supertanker run aground, 1342 S. 9th Sl One transported to ANUS office. 10:16 p.m. — Meteor screams to Earth, flattening a small town, 3645 O St. One transported to detox. 11:14 a.m. —■. Student missing. —* „