Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1993)
I ANUS sends pudgy president to showers By Bodine Gunch Staff Reporter ANUS members waved a tear ful farewell to their outgoing president, Andy Cheeserson, in a special ceremony at Wednesday s meeting. speak for the entire ice President Trendy Stool said, “when I say I*m gonna miss this pudgy HI* fella.” Cheeserson, sniffling, thanked the members ft for tneir nara work and dedication. “You are the reason ANUS is what it is today,” he said, giving Stool a noogie.“My resume wouldn’t be any thing without you people.” The outgoing president, in his last official act, then called forth for a ceremonial resum6 check of all mem bers. “Ahhhhh . . . my precious,” Cheeserson said, dancing a jig. “That’s the beauty of student government. Ha Ha Ha.” Cheeserson briefly listed the goals he had accomplished during his term: — Nothing. Former ANUS presidents Candy Sassy and Phil O’my Gosh made a special appearance to announce the opening of Sassy’s presidential li brary in the basement of ANUS’ se cret clubhouse. After a special photo opportunity — the first time four living ANUS presidents had gathered in one place — Sassy wished the new president, Keith Vanish, well. 1 “Mr. Vanish, many will question your presence in student government, but always remember, ‘If you can’t stand the kitchen, get out of the heaL ’” Vanish and the rest of the members then turned to other business, includ ing a controversial measure that would require all seniors be baptized before graduation ceremonies. See ANUS on 2 ft - r • . v;- ; : ^ o,. . ■ ■••/ -•% • • ^* nflBBffHBnCTB^nnw Spacey McRy/DH New ANUS President Keith Vanish the Polttical Ghost looms behind First Vice President Trendy Stool the night of the VOID’S victory party at the Cherry Hut March 10. The apparition has been sighted numerous times since. Poof Keith Vanish materializes for ANUS, meatloaf sandwich ey Mian weips : The report, coming on the first day of Vanish's term, sparked anew controversy surrounding the election of a ghost as stu dent regent. “How can this guy go to board meetings if he exists on another plane?*’ asked Vice Chancellor for Stupid Affairs James Greasy. .. / ) won the post by a slim margin in a March 10 election, surprisingly was not available for comment. But Trendy Stool, Vanish’s running mate, defended the apparition. “What a bunch of nit picking. So Keith doesn't technically live in the same world we do,” he said. “I think he’ll fit in well with the Board of Rejects.” Vanish was seen seldom during the elec lion campaign and after. Bouts with bath room doors, trees and other inanimate ob jects kept him in the netherworld for moslof the race. A crew from Fox-TV’s critically ac claimed show “Sightings” visited the cam pus in mid-March to attempt to record evi dence that Vanish exists. “This one was lough,” Sightings pro ducer Amic Fufkin said. “Once we thought we had him in that frat bathroom, but then the fire department showed up before we could gel a good shot of him.” Vanish has defied the expertsin his ef forts to remain the unseen force behind ANUS. Students and administrators alike See VANISH on 2 Rejects cry over spilt milk at Mickey D’s By Swoozie Arf Staff reporter After months of squabbling and bicker ing among NU Bored of Rejects, Presi dent Martini Massengil ejected four members from a meeting because they just couldn’t play nicely. The emergency meeting, called by Massengil, was held in the Kiddie Land section of a local Mickey D’s restaurant. The purpose of the meeting, he said, was to stress to the rejects the importance of acting ma turely. “I will see to it that this childish bickering ceases,’’Massengil said. “I might be a lame duck president, but my quack will still be heard. QUACK QUACK QUACK!” Massengil screamed over Reject Rosesmeliy Skrewwy’s incessant giggling. “I just love little duckies,” Prancy O’Lying, on her back, squealed. The bored ’ s poopie faces date back to Rejec t Throbert Abdomen’s crying over not being invited to a Nov. 15 game of'freeze tag at the playhouse of fellow reject, Charlie Won’tson, known as Lil Chuckie to his friends. / ‘‘I don’t want Throbbie over at my house anymore,” Chuckie pouted. “He farts. Skrewy and O’Lying also whined that fel low reject, Nasty Poke, was the only woman at the tag match. But Reject Chairman Jem Bon Pain said Skrewwy and O’Lying were not asked to Won’tson’s house because “they act too much like girls. They try to kiss us and stuff. Gross. “Plus, Nasty (Poke) looks best in (me of those tight little aprons. She served us milk and cookies and stuff, and she doesn’t act like a wussy GUUHRL. So there.” Reject Shootin’ Blanks added: “Yeah. So there.” With that, Skrewwy picked up a handful of cheese dip and threw it at Pain’s face. Massengil, who had been sitting in the time out comer for imitating Pain’s favorite Sesame See REJECTS on 3 NUL Par King paves way for parking garage By Whiff Zar»y Senior iapoiST__ Iiuttuv, NUL students will _jle to rail their heads easier .light and find a parking stall simpler every morning thanks to the diligent efforts of Student Par Kina Marcus Foolsgoldfcathcr. “Parking ing parking,” Foolsgoldfeathcr said. The New Jersey native said groundbreaking would begin iam: a SlO-million, 2,000,000-stall valet-parking garage with gold-encrusted busts of himself on top of every meter. Foolsgoldfeather said the structure would be Financed through parking fees and a bake sale featuring his mother's recipe for “Jersey Meat Pie.” “Parking/' he said. “Parking park ing parking. Garage.” Foolsgoldfeather said students wanted and deserved parking spots close to their classrooms. “Parking,” he added. Foolsgoldfeather said that last fall, he took it upon himself to do a nonscientiFic poll of NUL students. His goal: to determine “parking.” “Parking parking parking?” ■ r**'* r. l Foolsgoldfeather asked students all across campus. “Garage garage garage,” he said they replied. “Oooh,” Foolsgoldfeather said. “Parking bad. Garage good.” Foolsgoldfeather then took the re sults of his little poll to the evil min ions of the university Parking Ain’t really Crappy committee. “Parking parking parking GA RAGE parking parking parking,” Foolsgoldfeather said to the minions. “GARAGE GARAGE GARAGE!” But the gurus were not convinced. "Fees fees fees,* they said. But Foolsgoldfeather was un daunted. He continued his fightagainst the evil forces of PArC by teaming up with the Andrew Cheeserson and the benevolent monarchs of ANUS. “Parking parking parking GA RAGE parking panting parking,” Foolsgoldfeathcr said to the sinators. “Parking FEES parking parking park ing. “Parking.” Cheeserson and the other sinators then forged a pact with PArC increas ing the cost of parking permits 8.7 percent each year for the next two years. In exchange for accepting the increase, ANUS was guaranteed that all funds raised would go toward the new garage. April Day, Fools. Just 1 ike the AS UN elections, you students have been duped. The Daily Harassment is pub lished every time the stars reach a certain alignment, and pre venting publication is impos sible, so don’t even try. The issue is a joke, much like the characters we spoofed. Any similarities between our char acters and real people are tragi cally realistic, but not our fault. We can only hope this issue will be accepted in the spirit in which it was created. It was done in the satirical spirit of fun. If humor isn’t your cup-o-tea, don’t read it. If you like to laugh, and you don’t mind some harm less fun, read on._