Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (March 2, 1993)
Silly ado replacing real news
Watch out, world. The First
Daughter is a teen-ager.
• Chelsea Clinton turned 13
on Saturday, and the Associated Press
was there to cover the gory details.
According to the story, the presi
dential pubescent and some friends
wanted to see the new Christian Slater
movie. Also, “a big bunch of helium
balloons and several brightly wrapped
presents were spotted arriving at the
White House,” the report said.
Because the Clintons would like to
keep their daughter out of the lime
light, no other details of the birthday
were available, leaving many readers
burning to know more.
This reader has just one question:
Who gives a horse’s patootie?
How much do we really need to
know about the president’s average,
all-American daughter? Or his cat?
Perhaps you recall the hoop-dee
do over the First Cat. A horde of
photographers descended on the un
suspecting Socks when it wandered
outside the front gales of the Clintons ’
Little Rock home. Pictures of the cat
surrounded by cameras went nation
wide, causing amusement and out
rage throughout the land.
And again I wondered: Who gives
a horse’s patootie?
Someone must. The media
wouldn’t waste valuable time and
gives a horse’s patootie?”
Being a journalist, I’m an avid
follower of media antics. I’ve seen a
lot of stories, some better than others.
At the top of the heap is “hard
news,” those fast-breaking stories
where people die, things crash, build
ings fall over, or the earth is knocked
out of orbit by Lex Luther’s giant ray
Below that are “dumb stories,”
also known as “human interest.’’These
mushy pieces tell how people die and
will never again seetheYankees play;
things crash because someone told
the driver to “take this bus to Havana”
and he valiantly tried to wrestle the
gunaway from (he hijacker; buildings
fall over on pensioned senior citizens;
or the earth is knocked out of orbit,
talking family, a
story out of
findings that the
serious enough to
Lois is in the way, and Clark’s zipper
Then there are items that make me
ask myself, the stuttering KRNU DJ
or dead-looking Dan Rather: “Who
gives a horse’s patoolie?” This is news
so irrelevant and stupid, you wonder
how you lived without it.
The Associated Press is the grand
high poobah of patoolie. Just look at
what I’ve found:
Researchers have found that fe
males who carry more pounds at the
hips — pear-shaped — than at the
waist—apple-shaped—have a higher
probability of conception. I can sleep
much better now that I know I, a
woman of pear-like outline, can bear
babies easier than my apple-figured
While we’re talking family, a story
out of Boston revealed findings that
the risks of inbreeding aren’t serious
enough to justify laws against cousins
marrying each other. If that isn ’ t good
news, I don’t know what is.
In other news, 500 people from
many nations met in New York. Not J
for some economic or environmental I
conference, but to play pinball.
The winner said he practiced two
hours a day at home and bought a
second machine so his girlfriend could
Now really, besides the pinball
wizard and his girlfriend, who gives a
With all this patootie flying around,
it’s no wonder that some have lost
faith in the news as a serious and
accurate informer of the nation.
So I watched not-dead-looking
Connie Chung tell me that discrimi
nation is no better than it was 15 years
ago and felt very much like a horse’s
An update of the Kemer report,
originally published during the civil
rights battles in the late T60s, said
things are the same, if not worse. Of
inner-city blacks, 33 percent live in
poverty. One-fourth of these black
males are behind bars.
A white girl raised in a primarily
white state, I was taken aback. After
all, the signs have come off the drink
ing fountains, bus seats and schools
are desegregated, and the Constitu
tion itself guarantees that no one shall
be discriminated against on the basis
Because of these external signs of
equality, we might hear the report and
say it’s as much patootie as the pinball
If we discredit the facts of the
Kemer report, we’re only fooling
ourselves. This nation is ripe for an
explosion; the Los Angeles riots
Maybe the media, myselfincluded,
should spend less energy on Chelsea
and her cat and the superficial changes
of the past, before the whole mess just
Who will give a horse’s patootie
Paulman is a senior news-editorial and
history major and a Dafly Nebraskan colum
nist and photographer.
Baseball makes everything OK
February has never been my
favorite month. There is school
I and cold, more school and cold.
Then it’s cold for a while longer.
But now March is here, and we can
smile again. March brings sun. spring
and, of course, baseball.
I love baseball.
Runs, hits, errors, box scores and
line-ups, give them to me in big doses.
You can even give me George
Steinbrenner if it means I can have
Life may be complicated, but base
ball is not. You can’t count on much
anymore, but you can count on base
ball to return every spring like clock
Some of my friends think baseball
is a silly game. “It’s so boring,” they
I don’t know what they mean. I
think there is nothing more exciting
than a game with your team down by
three in the bottom of the ninth with
the bases loaded, two out and two
strikes on the batter. Better yet, make
Don Mattingly the batter in that situ
If anyone ever needed a reason to
like baseball, Don Mattingly is it.
“Donny Baseball,” as he has been
called, is the first baseman for my
favorite team, the New York Yan
The New York Yankees, as every
one knows, are the most successful
team in any sport, ever. They haven’t
been doing so well recently, as every
one also knows and takes every op
portunity to point out to me.
Thai’s baseball. It will break your
heart in some cases and brighten your
life in others.
Watching Don Mattingly play
baseball is watching a great artist at
work. He plays so gracefully that it
doesn’t even look like he is trying.
Watching him is observing genius.
The quality that Mattingly pos
Most of all,
baseball gives you
the chance to start
over. No matter
how bad your
team was last
year, each spring
is a fresh new
chance. Each year
you have an equal
chance to come
charging back to
scsses — a grace and artistry that is
hard to define—is what makes base
ball so incredible.
I think baseball is a great sport
because it is a game of heroes — at
least on the field. Every day and night
baseball can produce a hero. Every
game provides the opportunity for
someone to hit a homerun or make a
Like Don Mattingly. When
Mattingly was in his prime — before
his back injuries — he was a hero for
me often. When Don was up late in the
game and the Yankees needed runs,
there was no doubt. He was going to
smash one out of the park.
“Back, back, back, GONE!”
And wnen neroics nappen ior yuui
team, the world is all right for just that
moment. Life will go back to being
the sticky mess it so often is soon. But
for that moment you have the game
and the feeling.
For that moment you have base
I suppose it sounds silly to de
scribe, but that doesn’t make it any
less real. In a world so lacking in
heroes, we still have baseball.
Of course, even baseball heroes
aren’t perfect ‘‘Show me a hero and
I’ll show you a tragedy,” F. Scott
Fitzgerald wrote. Too many baseball
players have shown him to be correct.
But at least we can still watch their
heroics on the field and marvel at their
seemingly effortless ability to defy
gravity and the laws of nature that
constrain normal human beings.
Baseball is a lot like America in
many ways, which is probably why it
has been known as our national pas
The game is slow moYing. but
when it comes down to crunch time it
is capable of greatness. Heroes al
ways seem to come to the forefront
when they are needed most. It pro
vides hope and fires the imagination.
Most of all, baseball gives you the
chance to start over. No matter how
bad your team was last year, each
spring is a fresh new chance. Each
year you have an equal chance to
come charging back to past glory.
Each year you can win it all.
It has been a long winter. But the
sun will be back soon, and baseball
always comes along with it
Before too long we will able to
bask in both and forget the harsh cold.
Fitzpatrick is a Junior political science
major and the Daily Nebraskan opinion page
Vintage Clothing and Collectables
720 "O" Street
11:00 a.m. -2:30 p.m.
UNL Nebraska Union
Join the fun
Sponsors.UNL International Student's Organization
,UNL International Affairs
k k the poke* of toe IMvmkjr of Nehmka-Lacola Ml to dMwt am to bam of tex. age, dkabilky. nca. color,
rejig**. aakl Ham, vatonak mb, aabooal or atofc origia or aanal otoatotoa.
■ JP MtM ■ £
ON MARCH KITH
CITY CAMPUS, ROOM # POSTED
at 7300 pm
Check It Out!
•Top Quality *Low Price
Desktop System w/ Software
•4 Mb RAM, 8 K Internal Cache
•64 K External Cache Memory
•170 Mb Hard Disk Drive
•Both 3.5" 4c 5.25" HD Floppy Drives
•.28 Dot Pitch SVGAni Monitor
•1 Mb SVGA Video Card
•Windows 3.1, Mouse, & Pad
•Microsoft Works for Windows
As Low as $650 Sharp PC-4602
•386SX-20 MHz, 2 Mb Ram Laptop CompiltGr
•VGA ‘Page White* Display $259
•40 Mb Hard Disk Drive
•DOS and LapLink Utility XT Compatible, 10 MHz
•Weighs Just 4.4 Lbs! 8.5x11" Dual Floppy Disk Drives
•3.5" HD Floppy Drive-Add $150 High Resolution Display
Powered by Open ONI