The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current, May 01, 1989, Dead Week Relief, Image 16
Birds’ feathers ruffled after ignorant remarks by Sell Morr ZOO from Page 1 _ “All wo do is fly. fly. fly,'' Crano cawed. “It would bo nice to have a ri\er of our own to call home. We leak a lot. ya know.” Crane said that Lark’s accusations of lies on Belchson's part w ere totally false and misleading. He said he can’t help it if the meadowlark is a short, squat bird w ith no future in Nebraska. “If Gov.-lord No Morr is going to change this state to an industrial one, there won’t be any meadows left to lark in, anyway," he chirped. Lark retorted, saying that mead owlarks may be short, but at least they shave what little leg they have. After a heated discussion that left many feathers ruffled, the two birds were shooed out of the chamber. After the leathers were dusted, State Watchdog Burnin Flamers in troduced an amendment to the bill. He suggested that the state bird be changed to the state animal, and that animal should be the highway squir ■' ' '■ 1 ^ rcl. “Hell, they draw more tourism than anything, even Gov.-lord Morr’s husband’s cookbook,” Flamers said. Bclchson retorted, asking Flamers how he came to that conclusion. “Are you questioning my integ rity?” Flamers fired. “Apparently, they love the highway squirrel Why else would there be so many flattened on the roads? They just can’t wait to come in contact with the little fris becs.” Gov.-lord Morr’s husband, Sell Morr, said he thought Flamers’ amendment was a good idea. “I could include my world-fa mous recipe for Squirrel Waffles in my new cookbook,” the second an noyance said. But, he said, he didn’t care what came of LBZOO, since he has dis covered several recipes using all the animals in his wife’s kingdom, Ne braska. “No matter what happens, I have recipes for anything — birds, squirrels and barnyard animals included. I can make all those critters delicacies, just check out my latest cookbook.” All the birds in the chamber flocked out of the slate capsule after this comment. Daily Half-asskin reporters tried to contact representatives from the squirrel groups, but they were loo smashed to talk. (Go figure!) No action was taken on the bill, but Sell Morr said he could use any bill in his latest recipe, Beak Pate. Randsome frUsTcapsule with lies and stupidities By Fawn Delme Staff Infection___ Sin. Burnin Flamers distributed a list to the Nebraska Deadislalure Friday of" previously undisclosed hiring criteria for bored members of the Nebraska State Hysterical Society. Much to the shagrin of Lame Randsomc, the hysterical’s chief bone hordcr, Flamers gave the list to sinators in an effort to have Randsome and all other bored hystericals removed from office. Flamer’s list included: • that all members of the bored must be white “with no sympathy toward any other cultural, reli gious minority.” • that any women on the bored keep their mouths shut and “stand by their men.” • that all members must have been raised in the proper Anglo Saxon church, the best schools and be members of the most prestig ious and pompous groups Ne braska has to offer. • that all members know 1,500 ways to wear polyester. • that no one on the bored have any expertise or knowledge about the society’s collection of Indian burial remains, preventing its le gitimate study. The list docs state, however, that absolutely no bored member is required to recognize or under stand the values of honesty, re spcel or compassion. In a burst of typical nonsensical drivel, Randsomc attempted to defend his list and himself. “Dear sinators, this is just an other attempt by Mr. Flamers to blow' something I have done out of proportion,’’ he said. Flamers, who had been en grossed in his latest scheme to at track media attention, looked up from his work and calmly asked Randsomc to repeat himself. “Now don’t gel huffy Flamers, alhPm trying to do, is hire bored members consistent with this state’s hysterical past who arc capable of preserving that past and the future of my race.” “What race is that Randsome? Assholes?,” Sen. Anus Back asked. A fist fight between Back and Randsome ensued. Flamers, seeing the photo opportu nity, joined the brawl attempting to break it up. Randsomc, notorious for his immature behavior, threw a hissy after the two sinators had clob bered him some good ones. He was asked to leave the stale capsule or sinators would bum his book of propaganda that he had passed out earlier in the day. Sinators postponed action on the list, leaving Randsome and his bored members hysterical for an other day. BITCH AGAIN from Page 3 rage, however, when he began dis cussing the incompetence of the DH staffers. “Those turds write racial slurs, show no respect for editors and do things covcrdy -- behind my back. Such scenes sicken me.” Wildly resigned shortly after his speech. His paper was the only one that attended the press conference. In other business, ANUS sinators complained about First Vice Presi dent Late Eyeshurt’s incompetence in his position. ANUS sinators composed a rap song that exemplified their feelings for Eyeshurt. "That guy makes us all look bad. He's always in a rut. Except for his clothes, which are really rad. His knowledge is up his butt. That Eyeshurt guy has some serious trouble, when it comes to making sense His slow proceedings make our meeting length double. At least his term is almost spent.” CRY from Page 1 our five or six constitutions for elec tions of executives,” Bccr-Stcin said.4 ‘I don’t think the election really counted. ‘‘Besides, we in the electoral fix ing commission can interpret any thing the way we want.” Beer-Stein said thatsinceonly one bylaw exists, which exists in 15 ver sions so nobody pays attention to it< the commission can do and say what Sin. Chicken Lytl, cornered after the rap song after the press confer ence after the ANUS meeting where everyone slept, finally voted on an issue of no importance, he abstained. ‘‘I abstain,” said Sin. Chicken Lytl. ever. ‘‘But I don’t know what to say or do,” Beer-Stein said. ‘‘Whatever,” RHA sinators barked. After much debate, Dickless and Whoreson promised to forget about implementing the bylaws, and to include the entire sinatc in future Burger King outings. The sinate voted unanimously to kill the impeachment motion. T Elitist messages Today, this month, day, year ATTENTION GOVERNMENT JOBS available from 17 000-2 million, TAX FREE (if you can keep your mouth shut)*1 Positions available: pilots in exotic Central Amer .ca, possible opening for House Speaker, plus a variety of otne' exciting positions too numerous to mention here. Call now 1 800 555 BUSH. Camp counselors needed for Kinkitalky, a wonderful wilderness 'esort Young male boys with good physiques preferred Our special camp is attended by older gentle men who come from the elite of society Mingle and socali/e with congressmen, leaders of business and mov e stars Good way to make important contacts. Our motto Scratch our backs, and we'll scratch yours ** * CHUNKS 89 What goes down, must come upl Congiatulat.ons to Aleister on being elected Young Republican Satanst Pre/. We snew you could do itl -The Men ot F.Fi House Conr e L . You were great the other night" Dear Muffy (Dumbda. Dumbda, Djmbda), Are you having an affair with a real Greek’ Won t your parents be shocked’ Does that refer to his nationally, or n,s sexual style’ Just call me airheao, but I'm not real clear on the entire concept. Jojo F natia frat. Good luck in buggering you' pledges. Don t forget to ,se safe sex> Sister ot Cow Omega FOR SALE Cheap car stereos, bikes ana purses Call ■164-2222, no police officers please. FOR SALE: Pair of downhill skis. 15563 centimeters, s ghtly damaged Have hospital bill for broken leg; must • soil immediately, FOUND. Gold Pulsar watch with diamonds around the ■ou^dface with an nscnptionthat reads Karen .our time ■ogether is specal" Call 464 2222 to identify FOUND Three 100 dollar bills bound by a yellow rubber hand Cell 464-2222 to identify. ★ ★ Get Psyched for SQUIRT ME 89 Life is too short to stay dry I Get psyched! Ha/e Week I HAZE WEEK 89 GET PSYCHED FOR ABORTION 89 I CELEBRATE THE ENO OF TERMI GET SUCKED"! For the 69th Annual Fetta Thigh Blow Off for charity Cummmg May 21st at the Hairy Slut. HELP WANTED I cant move this flung oouchl 555 8949 after six JOIN THE GREAT NAVY HALFASKA Learn how to run a ship without any water, how to utilize underground reservoirs, and live off a title rather than do anything For more information. Call General John Riow haid. collect Legs A Fancy: Lot s do if al 0 Houtke s again. Your boss won't mind Wo can smg Ron Jovi and talk about sox, I mean sexism. LOST: Intelligent Opinions IF FOUND: Contact Blandrow Whmer LOST Vy cherry Answers to Michelle If found, please return to me va tho personals. LOST My self respect, 2:3,' A M on the Iront steps of the capitol buikjmg REWARD. Matt. Roses are md. Your skin was blue, I just can t believe, The kinky things you do How about the same, place and position nexl Friday’ Cindy Fe'ler MIRACLE GOITER CURE! Only 3 days treatment of GOITER-NO MORE will leave your neck nice and smoother. Call Spurl for more details at 4NO CHIN NEW CAPITALIST CLUB Get in on the bottom level, and make your way up. New members will be expected to work, slave and grovel in the hopes ol succeeding Fat Old Alumni, who won I die until you re bitter old men anyway. Sound good to you? It's the American Oreaml 7.00 PM tonight. Federal Build ing. PARIS LAOS IS BUYING ORGANS! Yes, it's our annual Parts is Parts" sale-a thon, and we neod Ihe partsl Donate an organ or limb, and make some easycasn Ideal tor college students who don't havetime or energy or the brains lor work. Sample price list: Heart: $50 Kidney; $15 Gonad: $150 (old folk* and frigid people need not apply). Brain: $32 It's quick, it’s simple, and motl student* llnd their live* enriched without these heavy organ* in the way. RUBBER RECYCLE-O MAT 3fing those used condoms in for CASH refund or a discount on your next purchase. Save the environment, save our natural resou’ces, keep world population down and mako some money besides1 Contact Dick Shield, 464 2222. ** SOUIRT ME 89 Pull it out - blow it on laces. SUMMER SESSIONS: Deadline is coming up soon. Don't spend the summer cultivating skin cancer, chlorine burn or other hazards Go lor the migraine headaches, bleeding ulcer and heat prostration msteadl To mv Pledge Daughter: Bring the can of Bon Arm after chapter meetings tonight. We re going to scrub the house bathroom to night. And it you have my greek sweatshirts up on a wire hanger again, I will punish you. l.OVE, Your PJedge Momrnte To the Men of AH will Ram a Sigma. You whipped bastards. Your little sisters can t even make a macaroni and cheese casserole You can t hold your liquor ■ you dont even have wild, sex-crazed par ties What kind ot tart eternity are you anyway7 Men ol Animal House To the person who witnessed THE CRASH at t? 30, Wednesday Sorry I hit your oar!!! Crash WANTED A ntudont with a strong inclination to tpo o gize tor students by writing letters to governors and univeisity officials. Apply at ASUN WANTED: Drug addict, alcoholic, psychopath male Inter ested in rTieanmgful relationship. No born again Chris tians please WHAT IF MARX HAD BEEN HANDSOME? I.B Red. noted Communist philosopher, will expound on the tenants ot red theory, and explore the question of what would have happened it Marx had looked good Would we all be waiting in line tor 3 days tor toilet paper7 Join us in this fascinating look. 305 Slavery Hall, 3:30 P M today. BROUGHT TO YOU BY SUMINTERN. INTERNA TIONAl ORGANIZATION OF SUMMER SLAVERS YOUNG REPUBUCAN SATANfST LEAGUE Organizational meeting will be tonight m the Reaper's Room. All potential members be prepared to pay dues, and bring a dead cat. FUNDAMENTALIST PRUDES JOIN US AND BE BLESSED II you don't appreciate humor, II you lind contact witnpeople who are not like you nauseaiina, il you d'S agree with anything that mases sense and that shows compassion - then you weie made lor us We don I take crap Irom any dangerously "liberal ' people who. by their actions prove that they hate The Higher Being and the Flock. These people will poison our world with the com passion and understanding they show others. To be strongwe must only do what is sale ana prosperous lor our little group. •Embarrassed when you have to keep asking older brothers & sis ters to buy for you9 / •Tiredof paying v A T w through the > '(?' * nose for fake w4 y IDs that don'tr S. ^ J work? ^ A .•Fed up with trying to get JM hammered on old botties of your parents’ grenadine? •Can’t wait for your 21st birthday9 Call MAGDA (Minors Are Gonna Drink Anyway)," we II buy for you!" Ask for Andy or John. (402)-BEER-R-US. Daily Half-Asskin Editor Spurt Wildly 472-SPEW Managing Editor Hid Me Ass News Editors Rude Rood Bobo Vox Editorial Page Editor Anal Bedturds Wire Editor Lady 01 Plagiarism Desk Editor Spuck Obscene Sports Editor Jamelle Apple Arts & Entertain ment Editor Make-me Haller Perversions Editor Jobeth Puko Graphics Editor Tit Fartman Photo Chief Connie Lingus Night Nows Editors Vic A-hole Crisp Clamsmell Art Directors John Jovl Andy Manbeast Sewer Editor Piercin' Condoms Supplements Editor Puddin' Head General Manager Spaniel Shitheel Production Manager Kitty Pollickme Advertising Manager Master Bates Sales Manager Behave Semen! Circulation Manager Generic Yanks Pud Board Chairman I'm Easy Professional Adviser The Waltons _ -- Campus Boners by Brian Libido PM NOTVUN& UP ^ \F VJE t>OHT | I GET T*\S l oPaTMRS . I IUI 1_- -3»tUiTo __ caw Dow Nani bNAffemc; 1*n» I'M Nor FAUIN6F0*. that rAbiT < AN» A ItomA x/Jc/Z '///ms COOKBOOK / Sdi rv\atr *V«W»1 OT V. dlDV.-t^ J> nUrr »-------—3CT—»^T. — — i— ■. . courtesy of the Gov.-lord's office Second Annoyance Sefl Morr s cookbook.