Birds’ feathers ruffled after
ignorant remarks by Sell Morr
ZOO from Page 1 _
“All wo do is fly. fly. fly,'' Crano
cawed. “It would bo nice to have a
ri\er of our own to call home. We
leak a lot. ya know.”
Crane said that Lark’s accusations
of lies on Belchson's part w ere totally
false and misleading. He said he can’t
help it if the meadowlark is a short,
squat bird w ith no future in Nebraska.
“If Gov.-lord No Morr is going to
change this state to an industrial one,
there won’t be any meadows left to
lark in, anyway," he chirped.
Lark retorted, saying that mead
owlarks may be short, but at least
they shave what little leg they have.
After a heated discussion that left
many feathers ruffled, the two birds
were shooed out of the chamber.
After the leathers were dusted,
State Watchdog Burnin Flamers in
troduced an amendment to the bill.
He suggested that the state bird be
changed to the state animal, and that
animal should be the highway squir
■' ' '■ 1 ^
rcl.
“Hell, they draw more tourism
than anything, even Gov.-lord Morr’s
husband’s cookbook,” Flamers said.
Bclchson retorted, asking Flamers
how he came to that conclusion.
“Are you questioning my integ
rity?” Flamers fired. “Apparently,
they love the highway squirrel Why
else would there be so many flattened
on the roads? They just can’t wait to
come in contact with the little fris
becs.”
Gov.-lord Morr’s husband, Sell
Morr, said he thought Flamers’
amendment was a good idea.
“I could include my world-fa
mous recipe for Squirrel Waffles in
my new cookbook,” the second an
noyance said.
But, he said, he didn’t care what
came of LBZOO, since he has dis
covered several recipes using all the
animals in his wife’s kingdom, Ne
braska.
“No matter what happens, I have
recipes for anything — birds, squirrels
and barnyard animals included. I can
make all those critters delicacies, just
check out my latest cookbook.”
All the birds in the chamber
flocked out of the slate capsule after
this comment.
Daily Half-asskin reporters tried
to contact representatives from the
squirrel groups, but they were loo
smashed to talk. (Go figure!)
No action was taken on the bill,
but Sell Morr said he could use any
bill in his latest recipe, Beak Pate.
Randsome frUsTcapsule
with lies and stupidities
By Fawn Delme
Staff Infection___
Sin. Burnin Flamers distributed
a list to the Nebraska Deadislalure
Friday of" previously undisclosed
hiring criteria for bored members
of the Nebraska State Hysterical
Society.
Much to the shagrin of Lame
Randsomc, the hysterical’s chief
bone hordcr, Flamers gave the list
to sinators in an effort to have
Randsome and all other bored
hystericals removed from office.
Flamer’s list included:
• that all members of the bored
must be white “with no sympathy
toward any other cultural, reli
gious minority.”
• that any women on the bored
keep their mouths shut and “stand
by their men.”
• that all members must have
been raised in the proper Anglo
Saxon church, the best schools and
be members of the most prestig
ious and pompous groups Ne
braska has to offer.
• that all members know 1,500
ways to wear polyester.
• that no one on the bored have
any expertise or knowledge about
the society’s collection of Indian
burial remains, preventing its le
gitimate study.
The list docs state, however,
that absolutely no bored member is
required to recognize or under
stand the values of honesty, re
spcel or compassion.
In a burst of typical nonsensical
drivel, Randsomc attempted to
defend his list and himself.
“Dear sinators, this is just an
other attempt by Mr. Flamers to
blow' something I have done out of
proportion,’’ he said.
Flamers, who had been en
grossed in his latest scheme to at
track media attention, looked up
from his work and calmly asked
Randsomc to repeat himself.
“Now don’t gel huffy Flamers,
alhPm trying to do, is hire bored
members consistent with this
state’s hysterical past who arc
capable of preserving that past and
the future of my race.”
“What race is that Randsome?
Assholes?,” Sen. Anus Back
asked.
A fist fight between Back and
Randsome ensued.
Flamers, seeing the photo opportu
nity, joined the brawl attempting
to break it up.
Randsomc, notorious for his
immature behavior, threw a hissy
after the two sinators had clob
bered him some good ones.
He was asked to leave the stale
capsule or sinators would bum his
book of propaganda that he had
passed out earlier in the day.
Sinators postponed action on
the list, leaving Randsome and his
bored members hysterical for an
other day.
BITCH AGAIN from Page 3
rage, however, when he began dis
cussing the incompetence of the DH
staffers.
“Those turds write racial slurs,
show no respect for editors and do
things covcrdy -- behind my back.
Such scenes sicken me.”
Wildly resigned shortly after his
speech. His paper was the only one
that attended the press conference.
In other business, ANUS sinators
complained about First Vice Presi
dent Late Eyeshurt’s incompetence
in his position.
ANUS sinators composed a rap
song that exemplified their feelings
for Eyeshurt.
"That guy makes us all look bad.
He's always in a rut.
Except for his clothes, which are really rad.
His knowledge is up his butt.
That Eyeshurt guy has some serious
trouble,
when it comes to making sense
His slow proceedings make our meeting
length double.
At least his term is almost spent.”
CRY from Page 1
our five or six constitutions for elec
tions of executives,” Bccr-Stcin
said.4 ‘I don’t think the election really
counted.
‘‘Besides, we in the electoral fix
ing commission can interpret any
thing the way we want.”
Beer-Stein said thatsinceonly one
bylaw exists, which exists in 15 ver
sions so nobody pays attention to it<
the commission can do and say what
Sin. Chicken Lytl, cornered after
the rap song after the press confer
ence after the ANUS meeting where
everyone slept, finally voted on an
issue of no importance, he abstained.
‘‘I abstain,” said Sin. Chicken
Lytl.
ever.
‘‘But I don’t know what to say or
do,” Beer-Stein said.
‘‘Whatever,” RHA sinators
barked.
After much debate, Dickless and
Whoreson promised to forget about
implementing the bylaws, and to
include the entire sinatc in future
Burger King outings.
The sinate voted unanimously to
kill the impeachment motion.
T Elitist messages Today, this month, day, year
ATTENTION GOVERNMENT JOBS available from
17 000-2 million, TAX FREE (if you can keep your mouth
shut)*1 Positions available: pilots in exotic Central Amer
.ca, possible opening for House Speaker, plus a variety
of otne' exciting positions too numerous to mention here.
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Camp counselors needed for Kinkitalky, a wonderful
wilderness 'esort Young male boys with good physiques
preferred Our special camp is attended by older gentle
men who come from the elite of society Mingle and
socali/e with congressmen, leaders of business and
mov e stars Good way to make important contacts. Our
motto Scratch our backs, and we'll scratch yours
**
* CHUNKS 89
What goes down, must come upl
Congiatulat.ons to Aleister on being elected Young
Republican Satanst Pre/. We snew you could do itl
-The Men ot F.Fi House
Conr e L .
You were great the other night"
Dear Muffy (Dumbda. Dumbda, Djmbda),
Are you having an affair with a real Greek’ Won t your
parents be shocked’ Does that refer to his nationally, or
n,s sexual style’ Just call me airheao, but I'm not real
clear on the entire concept.
Jojo
F natia frat.
Good luck in buggering you' pledges. Don t forget to
,se safe sex>
Sister ot Cow Omega
FOR SALE Cheap car stereos, bikes ana purses Call
■164-2222, no police officers please.
FOR SALE: Pair of downhill skis. 15563 centimeters,
s ghtly damaged Have hospital bill for broken leg; must
• soil immediately,
FOUND. Gold Pulsar watch with diamonds around the
■ou^dface with an nscnptionthat reads Karen .our time
■ogether is specal" Call 464 2222 to identify
FOUND Three 100 dollar bills bound by a yellow rubber
hand Cell 464-2222 to identify.
★ ★
Get Psyched for
SQUIRT ME 89
Life is too short
to stay dry I
Get psyched! Ha/e Week I
HAZE WEEK 89
GET PSYCHED FOR
ABORTION 89
I CELEBRATE THE ENO OF TERMI
GET SUCKED"! For the 69th Annual Fetta Thigh Blow
Off for charity Cummmg May 21st at the Hairy Slut.
HELP WANTED I cant move this flung oouchl 555
8949 after six
JOIN THE GREAT NAVY
HALFASKA
Learn how to run a ship without any water, how to utilize
underground reservoirs, and live off a title rather than do
anything For more information. Call General John Riow
haid. collect
Legs A Fancy:
Lot s do if al 0 Houtke s again. Your boss won't mind
Wo can smg Ron Jovi and talk about sox, I mean sexism.
LOST: Intelligent Opinions
IF FOUND: Contact Blandrow Whmer
LOST Vy cherry Answers to Michelle If found, please
return to me va tho personals.
LOST My self respect, 2:3,' A M on the Iront steps of the
capitol buikjmg REWARD.
Matt.
Roses are md.
Your skin was blue,
I just can t believe,
The kinky things you do
How about the same, place and position nexl Friday’
Cindy Fe'ler
MIRACLE GOITER CURE!
Only 3 days treatment of GOITER-NO MORE will leave
your neck nice and smoother. Call Spurl for more details
at 4NO CHIN
NEW CAPITALIST CLUB
Get in on the bottom level, and make your way up. New
members will be expected to work, slave and grovel in
the hopes ol succeeding Fat Old Alumni, who won I die
until you re bitter old men anyway. Sound good to you?
It's the American Oreaml 7.00 PM tonight. Federal Build
ing.
PARIS LAOS IS BUYING ORGANS!
Yes, it's our annual Parts is Parts" sale-a thon, and we
neod Ihe partsl Donate an organ or limb, and make some
easycasn Ideal tor college students who don't havetime
or energy or the brains lor work.
Sample price list:
Heart: $50
Kidney; $15
Gonad: $150 (old folk* and frigid people need not
apply).
Brain: $32
It's quick, it’s simple, and motl student* llnd their
live* enriched without these heavy organ* in the
way.
RUBBER RECYCLE-O MAT
3fing those used condoms in for CASH refund or a
discount on your next purchase. Save the environment,
save our natural resou’ces, keep world population down
and mako some money besides1 Contact Dick Shield,
464 2222.
**
SOUIRT ME 89
Pull it out -
blow it on laces.
SUMMER SESSIONS: Deadline is coming up soon.
Don't spend the summer cultivating skin cancer, chlorine
burn or other hazards Go lor the migraine headaches,
bleeding ulcer and heat prostration msteadl
To mv Pledge Daughter:
Bring the can of Bon Arm after chapter meetings
tonight. We re going to scrub the house bathroom to
night. And it you have my greek sweatshirts up on a wire
hanger again, I will punish you.
l.OVE, Your PJedge Momrnte
To the Men of AH will Ram a Sigma.
You whipped bastards. Your little sisters can t even
make a macaroni and cheese casserole You can t hold
your liquor ■ you dont even have wild, sex-crazed par
ties What kind ot tart eternity are you anyway7
Men ol Animal House
To the person who witnessed THE CRASH at t? 30,
Wednesday Sorry I hit your oar!!!
Crash
WANTED A ntudont with a strong inclination to tpo o
gize tor students by writing letters to governors and
univeisity officials. Apply at ASUN
WANTED: Drug addict, alcoholic, psychopath male Inter
ested in rTieanmgful relationship. No born again Chris
tians please
WHAT IF MARX HAD
BEEN HANDSOME?
I.B Red. noted Communist philosopher, will expound on
the tenants ot red theory, and explore the question of
what would have happened it Marx had looked good
Would we all be waiting in line tor 3 days tor toilet paper7
Join us in this fascinating look. 305 Slavery Hall, 3:30
P M today.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY SUMINTERN. INTERNA
TIONAl ORGANIZATION OF SUMMER SLAVERS
YOUNG REPUBUCAN
SATANfST LEAGUE
Organizational meeting will be tonight m the Reaper's
Room. All potential members be prepared to pay dues,
and bring a dead cat.
FUNDAMENTALIST PRUDES
JOIN US AND BE BLESSED
II you don't appreciate humor, II you lind contact
witnpeople who are not like you nauseaiina, il you d'S
agree with anything that mases sense and that shows
compassion - then you weie made lor us We don I take
crap Irom any dangerously "liberal ' people who. by their
actions prove that they hate The Higher Being and the
Flock. These people will poison our world with the com
passion and understanding they show others. To be
strongwe must only do what is sale ana prosperous lor
our little group.
•Embarrassed when you have to
keep asking older brothers & sis
ters to buy for
you9 /
•Tiredof paying v A T w
through the > '(?' *
nose for fake w4 y
IDs that don'tr S. ^ J
work? ^ A
.•Fed up with
trying to get JM
hammered on old botties of your
parents’ grenadine?
•Can’t wait for your 21st birthday9
Call MAGDA (Minors Are Gonna
Drink Anyway)," we II buy for you!"
Ask for Andy or John.
(402)-BEER-R-US.
Daily
Half-Asskin
Editor Spurt Wildly
472-SPEW
Managing Editor Hid Me
Ass News Editors Rude Rood
Bobo Vox
Editorial
Page Editor Anal Bedturds
Wire Editor Lady 01
Plagiarism Desk
Editor Spuck Obscene
Sports Editor Jamelle Apple
Arts & Entertain
ment Editor Make-me Haller
Perversions Editor Jobeth Puko
Graphics Editor Tit Fartman
Photo Chief Connie Lingus
Night Nows Editors Vic A-hole
Crisp Clamsmell
Art Directors John Jovl
Andy Manbeast
Sewer Editor Piercin' Condoms
Supplements Editor Puddin' Head
General Manager Spaniel Shitheel
Production Manager Kitty Pollickme
Advertising Manager Master Bates
Sales Manager Behave Semen!
Circulation Manager Generic Yanks
Pud Board Chairman I'm Easy
Professional Adviser The Waltons
_ --
Campus Boners by Brian Libido
PM NOTVUN& UP
^ \F VJE t>OHT
| I GET T*\S
l oPaTMRS .
I IUI
1_- -3»tUiTo __
caw Dow Nani
bNAffemc;
1*n» I'M Nor
FAUIN6F0*.
that rAbiT <
AN» A ItomA
x/Jc/Z '///ms
COOKBOOK
/ Sdi rv\atr
*V«W»1 OT
V. dlDV.-t^ J> nUrr
»-------—3CT—»^T. — — i— ■. .
courtesy of the Gov.-lord's office
Second Annoyance Sefl Morr s cookbook.