Pisses & moans
B 111/ Spurt Wildly, Dick- in-charge
— _ - ^ # Anal Hcdtcrds, Senior Smelly
I—I 1 1 l,rl Mc
JlJI Rood. Rude
... . .... . I.ady Di, Ho
University of No-Learning Spuck Obscene, Nuffsaid
Pisa Roltcndung, Screamer
Bend them over
They'll listen when you show positive force
The time has come.
We are sick and tired of seeing all you people
fighting in the streets when you could be making
love with each other.
Stop bitching about your petty little problems and open
your arms to free love.
Free love is the theme of 1989, and although it’s a little
late for this anouncement, it’s not too late to do the
business.
Make a positive assessment of your priorities, and we
think you’ll realize how important it is to get in tune with
the people around you.
Sure, you don’t like the bills that sinators produce to
“help” their constituents, but crying about it won’t stop
them. Show your disfavor through positive action.
Bend your sinator over today and offer him or her your
input.
Think about it. No more unanswered letters. No more
concern that sinators aren’t getting your message. There’s
no way your sinator can ignore you when you have them
up against a wall. They’ll pay attention — we promise.
If not, come over here and give us your input, and we’ll
be sure to pass it along.
Focus people, focus — beating the shit out of people
you’re pissed at won’t solve a thing.
But if you give them the best pan of yourself, they will
realize that your criticism is constructive, and they’ll be
more apt to listen to you.
Besides, it’ll make you feel good.
Just make sure you wear a condom. ^ .
v mm s/‘ i* t*
- Whine No More
for the Daily Half-asskin
Prudey don’t preach
UNL delivered from sin, damnation, DH
Praise the Lord and pass the puddin’.
Hels Prudey, publisher of the UNL Prude Views is
here to save the day.
Prudey, a confessor at the University of No-Learning,
is ready and willing to preach to all you sinners about the
evils of college life, including such things as liberalism,
sex and, of course, the Daily Half-asskin.
But as preachy as Prudey may sound, we all should
listen to his profound words, in search of some prophetic
meaning.
He has criticized DH editors for supporting the distri
bution of condoms on campus, saying that they encour
aged fornication, which is a sin against God.
Oh no!
Maybe Prudey is right. Maybe DH editors are promot
ing fornication. That would really suck.
Students had better start reading between the lines of
this campus rag, and look for things that might encourage
them to sin.
it they find some hidden meanings, students had better
send that publication to Prudey, so he can make sure no
other students go to hell for reading it.
This is a university after all, and we wouldn’t want any
students to experience anything that might open their eyes
or broaden their horizons.
Thank Prudey for saving us all! Praise his name and
shout his words of wisdom from the highest building in
Lincoln — even if it does remind you of a penis!
Prudey’s analysis of the bible is his own truth, and we
should thank him for guiding us all down the road to
prudishness before we graduate from college and face the
many trials and tribulations of the real world.
Prudey has shown us the light at the end of the tunnel,
and we should revere him by sending him money. If we
can raise $900 million by the end of the week for Prudey
and his publication, God will not strike him down!
Insterd, Prudey has promised to use that money to fight
the DH editors and send them away from this campus to
where their blasphemous drivel will be appreciated — in
hell!!!
Hallelujah!
- Gloria N.X. ShdJy Dayo
for the Daily Half ass kin
I HIGHER I
I ,, EDUCATION I
I ^ . INTHEB16 i
state!
Did anybody ever notice ... ?
There's some real gross things out there; a few of them
Ever notice how that guy on 60
Minutes whines about every
thing? He docs it all the time.
Well, at least every Sunday night,
when the show is on.
I don’t know what he docs at
home.
Hell, that guy doesn’t know what
troubles arc. He whines and whines
and whines, but he never whines
about anything of any significance.
Like when you wake up in the
morning, and prop yourself up on the
edge of your bed to get out, and all
your knuckles crack. Ever notice
that? Isn’t that ncat-o?
Did ya ever wonder why knuckles
crack when you bend your fingers in
a certain way? I sure do. Maybe
something’s in there that breaks and
regenerates itscll in just a few min
utes, ready to be broken again. But
I’m not really sure about it.
ever nonce mat wnen you blow
your nose, you open up the tissue to
look at what just came out? Why the
hell do people do this? It’s pretty
disgusting, I think. After all, if all that
snot and mucus was so cool, why did
you get rid of it in the first place?
It’s the same way after you take a
good, hot crap. You wipe your butt
and look at what you just did. Why on
earth would people do that?
Maybe they’re just saying goo
dbye to it...
Did ya ever notice how, when you
pull a grasshopper’s head off, his
lungs and intestines come out at
tached to it? Why is this? And why do
those little boogers spit out what
looks like motor oil when you pick
them up to torture them? Do they
think it’s funny or something? Shit -
I don’t.
Did ya ever notice, when someone
gets hit by a car, he or she cries out to
God, and usually puts some obsceni
ties behind it? Does God really want
to hear some four-lettered word be
hind his name? I know I wouldn’t. If
I was God -- and sometimes, I think I
just might be --1 wouldn’t let people
live after getting hit by a car and
saying that. Bastards!
Did ya ever notice how people on
drugs arc always wandering around
drooling and farting? What the hell is
wrong with these people anyway? I
mean, they use up all the drugs in the
world, then fart and drool them right
out of their system. No wonder they
always need more drugs. Gee/.
Speaking of farting, did ya ever
notice how people who lart in a
crowd always blame il on someone
else? Why? I mean, larling is some
thing everyone docs. Why not take
credit for the loudest and the worst?
Especially il you can blow one that
smells like rotten eggs. Those are my
favorite.
And people that fart all the time -
what the hell is wrong with those sub
human morons? Kinda makes you
wonder what they had for breakfast. I
didn t know that Taco Bell opened
that early in the morning.
Did ya ever notice how people
who are narrow-minded, like that
asshole that publishes UNL Prude
Views, don’t know anything about
the Nile River?
Did ya ever notice how animals
that get killed on the highway always
have flies and maggots and other
larvc-lypc creatures crawling and
flying around them? What the hell is
wrong with these bugs? I mean, I
would never fly around a squashed
ball of shit lying in the road with its
lungs hanging out of a hole in itschest
cavity.
But then again, I can’t fly.
How about that oil spill in Alaska?
Isn’t that ncat-o keen, super-terrific?
I think so. Now I have one less place
to mull over for a vacation site this
summer. I like that.
Did ya ever notice that bald people
don’t even have a scalp left on their
heads? I wonder if the scalp falls off
with the hair, or if they have to shave
that white crap off. I wouldn’t know.
I m not bald... on my head, anyway.
Every notice how many people in
this slimy world have bad breath.’
Why do people have bad breath.’ I
asked my doctor about it once. He
told me that bad breath is caused by
deteriorating food in your mouth,and
bacteria that cats away the l<xxi. Isn’t
that a comforting thought, hminm?
I mean, the thought of little micro
scopic spiders in my mouth, eating
whatever food particles I didn’t swal
low, really pulls my crank. Espe
cially when I realize that these little I
creatures have to shit, ux>. Think
about it.
Did ya ever notice how much slate
senators bitch about things that have
no significance -- like the Daily Half
asskin joke issue? They sure did last
year. I hope they do again this year.
Cool Is a freshman psychology major and
Is the Daily Half-asskIn’s reside nt asshole.
btate sinator bitches about joke issue
Your so-called “spoof” of the
Daily Half-asskin (April 1, 1988) is
extremely offensive from my point of
view. It appalls me to think our poten
tial future journalists have sunk to
such a low in the name of spoofing. It
seems obvious they were uncomfort
able too, or they would not have used
pseudonyms. To print such material
*n ^ name of humor indicates to me
that the apparent attempt at spoofing
has reached a new low.
You see, humor involves cute
little anecdotes about this zannv
thing we call life. Gosh, or maybe a
pie in some unsuspecting face Or
maybe a fake daisy that shoots water
Wnte something like that. Be funny
like me, because, in my heart, I know
I’m funny.
It would seem lo me that the aim of
nigh journalistic endeavor should
attempt to uplift and strive for objec
tive communication, true entertain
ment and enlightenment. I fail to see
what your issue can possibly do to
?smm 3ny SUCh responsib,c journal
Worst of all perhaps is the effect
on potential students who may be
considering the University of No
Lcaming for the future. Although it
may not be “news" to pre-college
students, it is certainly not raising up
any ideals and values of a college
education. Even some of my sweet
ittle light-butted pages think less of
the university now.
I truly hope someday these so
called writers will look back and j
wonder why they ever let iheir minds
spend their valuable education time
in such a wasteful manner.
Dodger Beerbein
state sinator
feitejpocB
Bitch and moan, bitch and moan,
bitch and moan. None of us down here
give a fat frog’s ass. Leave us alon .
kiss our butts and stuff your co
plaints ... in the trash.
