Pisses & moans B 111/ Spurt Wildly, Dick- in-charge — _ - ^ # Anal Hcdtcrds, Senior Smelly I—I 1 1 l,rl Mc JlJI Rood. Rude ... . .... . I.ady Di, Ho University of No-Learning Spuck Obscene, Nuffsaid Pisa Roltcndung, Screamer Bend them over They'll listen when you show positive force The time has come. We are sick and tired of seeing all you people fighting in the streets when you could be making love with each other. Stop bitching about your petty little problems and open your arms to free love. Free love is the theme of 1989, and although it’s a little late for this anouncement, it’s not too late to do the business. Make a positive assessment of your priorities, and we think you’ll realize how important it is to get in tune with the people around you. Sure, you don’t like the bills that sinators produce to “help” their constituents, but crying about it won’t stop them. Show your disfavor through positive action. Bend your sinator over today and offer him or her your input. Think about it. No more unanswered letters. No more concern that sinators aren’t getting your message. There’s no way your sinator can ignore you when you have them up against a wall. They’ll pay attention — we promise. If not, come over here and give us your input, and we’ll be sure to pass it along. Focus people, focus — beating the shit out of people you’re pissed at won’t solve a thing. But if you give them the best pan of yourself, they will realize that your criticism is constructive, and they’ll be more apt to listen to you. Besides, it’ll make you feel good. Just make sure you wear a condom. ^ . v mm s/‘ i* t* - Whine No More for the Daily Half-asskin Prudey don’t preach UNL delivered from sin, damnation, DH Praise the Lord and pass the puddin’. Hels Prudey, publisher of the UNL Prude Views is here to save the day. Prudey, a confessor at the University of No-Learning, is ready and willing to preach to all you sinners about the evils of college life, including such things as liberalism, sex and, of course, the Daily Half-asskin. But as preachy as Prudey may sound, we all should listen to his profound words, in search of some prophetic meaning. He has criticized DH editors for supporting the distri bution of condoms on campus, saying that they encour aged fornication, which is a sin against God. Oh no! Maybe Prudey is right. Maybe DH editors are promot ing fornication. That would really suck. Students had better start reading between the lines of this campus rag, and look for things that might encourage them to sin. it they find some hidden meanings, students had better send that publication to Prudey, so he can make sure no other students go to hell for reading it. This is a university after all, and we wouldn’t want any students to experience anything that might open their eyes or broaden their horizons. Thank Prudey for saving us all! Praise his name and shout his words of wisdom from the highest building in Lincoln — even if it does remind you of a penis! Prudey’s analysis of the bible is his own truth, and we should thank him for guiding us all down the road to prudishness before we graduate from college and face the many trials and tribulations of the real world. Prudey has shown us the light at the end of the tunnel, and we should revere him by sending him money. If we can raise $900 million by the end of the week for Prudey and his publication, God will not strike him down! Insterd, Prudey has promised to use that money to fight the DH editors and send them away from this campus to where their blasphemous drivel will be appreciated — in hell!!! Hallelujah! - Gloria N.X. ShdJy Dayo for the Daily Half ass kin I HIGHER I I ,, EDUCATION I I ^ . INTHEB16 i state! Did anybody ever notice ... ? There's some real gross things out there; a few of them Ever notice how that guy on 60 Minutes whines about every thing? He docs it all the time. Well, at least every Sunday night, when the show is on. I don’t know what he docs at home. Hell, that guy doesn’t know what troubles arc. He whines and whines and whines, but he never whines about anything of any significance. Like when you wake up in the morning, and prop yourself up on the edge of your bed to get out, and all your knuckles crack. Ever notice that? Isn’t that ncat-o? Did ya ever wonder why knuckles crack when you bend your fingers in a certain way? I sure do. Maybe something’s in there that breaks and regenerates itscll in just a few min utes, ready to be broken again. But I’m not really sure about it. ever nonce mat wnen you blow your nose, you open up the tissue to look at what just came out? Why the hell do people do this? It’s pretty disgusting, I think. After all, if all that snot and mucus was so cool, why did you get rid of it in the first place? It’s the same way after you take a good, hot crap. You wipe your butt and look at what you just did. Why on earth would people do that? Maybe they’re just saying goo dbye to it... Did ya ever notice how, when you pull a grasshopper’s head off, his lungs and intestines come out at tached to it? Why is this? And why do those little boogers spit out what looks like motor oil when you pick them up to torture them? Do they think it’s funny or something? Shit - I don’t. Did ya ever notice, when someone gets hit by a car, he or she cries out to God, and usually puts some obsceni ties behind it? Does God really want to hear some four-lettered word be hind his name? I know I wouldn’t. If I was God -- and sometimes, I think I just might be --1 wouldn’t let people live after getting hit by a car and saying that. Bastards! Did ya ever notice how people on drugs arc always wandering around drooling and farting? What the hell is wrong with these people anyway? I mean, they use up all the drugs in the world, then fart and drool them right out of their system. No wonder they always need more drugs. Gee/. Speaking of farting, did ya ever notice how people who lart in a crowd always blame il on someone else? Why? I mean, larling is some thing everyone docs. Why not take credit for the loudest and the worst? Especially il you can blow one that smells like rotten eggs. Those are my favorite. And people that fart all the time - what the hell is wrong with those sub human morons? Kinda makes you wonder what they had for breakfast. I didn t know that Taco Bell opened that early in the morning. Did ya ever notice how people who are narrow-minded, like that asshole that publishes UNL Prude Views, don’t know anything about the Nile River? Did ya ever notice how animals that get killed on the highway always have flies and maggots and other larvc-lypc creatures crawling and flying around them? What the hell is wrong with these bugs? I mean, I would never fly around a squashed ball of shit lying in the road with its lungs hanging out of a hole in itschest cavity. But then again, I can’t fly. How about that oil spill in Alaska? Isn’t that ncat-o keen, super-terrific? I think so. Now I have one less place to mull over for a vacation site this summer. I like that. Did ya ever notice that bald people don’t even have a scalp left on their heads? I wonder if the scalp falls off with the hair, or if they have to shave that white crap off. I wouldn’t know. I m not bald... on my head, anyway. Every notice how many people in this slimy world have bad breath.’ Why do people have bad breath.’ I asked my doctor about it once. He told me that bad breath is caused by deteriorating food in your mouth,and bacteria that cats away the l. Think about it. Did ya ever notice how much slate senators bitch about things that have no significance -- like the Daily Half asskin joke issue? They sure did last year. I hope they do again this year. Cool Is a freshman psychology major and Is the Daily Half-asskIn’s reside nt asshole. btate sinator bitches about joke issue Your so-called “spoof” of the Daily Half-asskin (April 1, 1988) is extremely offensive from my point of view. It appalls me to think our poten tial future journalists have sunk to such a low in the name of spoofing. It seems obvious they were uncomfort able too, or they would not have used pseudonyms. To print such material *n ^ name of humor indicates to me that the apparent attempt at spoofing has reached a new low. You see, humor involves cute little anecdotes about this zannv thing we call life. Gosh, or maybe a pie in some unsuspecting face Or maybe a fake daisy that shoots water Wnte something like that. Be funny like me, because, in my heart, I know I’m funny. It would seem lo me that the aim of nigh journalistic endeavor should attempt to uplift and strive for objec tive communication, true entertain ment and enlightenment. I fail to see what your issue can possibly do to ?smm 3ny SUCh responsib,c journal Worst of all perhaps is the effect on potential students who may be considering the University of No Lcaming for the future. Although it may not be “news" to pre-college students, it is certainly not raising up any ideals and values of a college education. Even some of my sweet ittle light-butted pages think less of the university now. I truly hope someday these so called writers will look back and j wonder why they ever let iheir minds spend their valuable education time in such a wasteful manner. Dodger Beerbein state sinator feitejpocB Bitch and moan, bitch and moan, bitch and moan. None of us down here give a fat frog’s ass. Leave us alon . kiss our butts and stuff your co plaints ... in the trash.