Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Dec. 14, 1979)
friday, december 14, 1979 daily nebraskan page 9 on n mm " 1) I -Nil I s X Li v ... .... 4 ! 1 I vv a disclaimers gets media translator By Makeyur Sweetie Gov. Charles Groan has appointed a large, shaggy red sheepdog to act as media translator for State Sen. Bernie dis Claimers. Groan said the sheepdog's job will be to follow the colorful state senator and reduce his words to a. series of barks and grunts, thus making them more under standable to the state's feeble-minded media. The translator is necessary-because certain remarks to the press Sen, disclaimers have been misquoted, Groan said, . For example, he said, the Daily llalfasskcn reported that disclaimers once said he advocated white homo sexuality because it would reduce the white popula tion. , .. '"That was untrue," Groan said. "What Sen, disclaimers actually said was he wouldn't mind seeing whites do constructive, exciting things like beating each other silly with pugil sticks, rewiring their tele vision sets in the bathtub, or experimenting with mind expanding drugs such as napalm and atrazine," Disclaimers said he welcomed the translator, but said he wouldn't be necessary if reporters would only learn to use tape recorders. "At first I thought they should take my words down on stone tablets," disclaimers said, "But that took too long. So then I decided tape recorders would ! be all right," Disclaimers said if the translator works out, he may use him in his private life, He said several times a day he is misunderstood by eople other than the media. A misunderstanding even ed to his marriage, he said, "I was lying on this nice, soft sand at the beach, and saw this girl, I asked her to bury me, The next thing J knew she was introducing me to her parents," We got scooped again! Robkins injured Yer fanny looking for seven-footer Unhappy and frustrated about the failure of recent petitions calling for dissolution of the NU Central Admini stration, faculty members Thursday announced they have decided on an alternative means to eliminate the systems office. r Pictured above is an unidentified faculty member using the new approach. . The faculty member is shown jumping from the roof of .Rodent's Hall, onto the head of a well-disguised NU Presi dent Ron Robkids. '," '; Robkids reportedly donned wig and beard to go jog ging. Robkids' press secretary reported that Robkids wore the disguise because an anounymous call tipped Robkids off that violent acts may be perpetrated against him. Copyright 1979, K-Tel The Daily Halfassken has learned through a rival news paper that a drastic revision has taken place in cheerlead ing selection at UNL, "In our never-ending quest for equality in. the athletic department, we are searching for a seven-foot cheerleader to fairly represent the taller folks on our basketball team, UNL Ahtletic Director Scratch Yerfanny said, sucking on a cherry popsicle.r. & 1 doubt it seriously," said UNL cheerleading-recruitor Jerry Leavemealone. ;r , . j. ; This job is a real pain, Leavemealone said, with a diseased look on his face, . : "I found one girl in a Back to School parade in Wiscon sin, but she was on stilts, I don't think she had the shot to be a major college cheerleader, anyway," he said, shaking his head, "In Alliance, I found three 260-pound girls named Selmon with great speed in the 40, but we couldn't recruit them, Our quota was filled," he added, "We might have to sign up two Lennon Sisters and have them ride piggyback," Leavemealone lamented, "And that's only the start of it, There's a Baptist, a " used car salesman's son and an ex-Marine on the team and J have to find cheerleaders for all of them," he said, fights ing back the tears, Faculty wants By Massage Caress An angry mob of UNL faculty stormed Rodents Hall today demanding that the Shah of the NU Central Administration, Ron Robkids, be returned to them to stand trial and return the money he has taken from the UNL budget. 'These administrators are spies and the shah has ex. ploited the budget to only benefit himself and his hand picked few " shouted Richard Blowhard, one of the lead ers of the faculty. "We are poor, yet they are rich. We want the end of this imperialistic view," exclaimed John Lynchmob, another leader of the instructors. The NU Bored of Rodents, who were in the building holding a secret meeting, demanded to be released. Kcrmit "The Frog" Wagonecr appeared before the crowd and told the faculty that the rodents would agree to be mediators in the controversy. However, the faculty mob pelted Wagoneer with oranges in defiance of what they termed the "imperialistic football team." As Wagoneer retreated in the building he screamed,"! knew this would happen when we gave those dumb students the right to have political speakers ." The administration hostages were reportedly being treated well. Some were tied and forced to read the cen tral administration's budget request one hundred times. Others were forced to look at the rodents, who also were tied and eacRed. One administrator, Billy Urksome.said the osvcholoftical strain of looking at the rodents for a t I.J f a! ..... ttK. nr.,1 PitaninA long pcriOU Ol lime was uuiuuiauug aiiu aiwivtiuug. Efforts to release the hostages has been minimal. UNL administrators are reluctant to help in the release of the hostages, especially the rodents, according to UNL Chancellor Roy Dung. To be honest, we really don't need them (administra. tors and rodents) anyway-UNL could benefit without them. Except I will miss the rodents' meetings. They were so much fun Dung said. ANUS President Spuddy Kooky, who was present at the demonstration, praised the faculty's stand. Maybe now we can get something done, like legalizing marijuana, booze and gambling" Kooky said. shah of UNL to stand trial Rodents Hall, as seen by an artist hired by faculty members who want to dissolve the central administration. . ... . Space courtesy of Dub Loveshermin ! - ........... ....... (..... .. i.if,.riir.