friday, december 14, 1979
daily nebraskan
page 9
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disclaimers gets media translator
By Makeyur Sweetie
Gov. Charles Groan has appointed a large, shaggy
red sheepdog to act as media translator for State Sen.
Bernie dis Claimers.
Groan said the sheepdog's job will be to follow the
colorful state senator and reduce his words to a. series
of barks and grunts, thus making them more under
standable to the state's feeble-minded media.
The translator is necessary-because certain remarks
to the press Sen, disclaimers have been misquoted,
Groan said, .
For example, he said, the Daily llalfasskcn reported
that disclaimers once said he advocated white homo
sexuality because it would reduce the white popula
tion. , ..
'"That was untrue," Groan said. "What Sen,
disclaimers actually said was he wouldn't mind seeing
whites do constructive, exciting things like beating
each other silly with pugil sticks, rewiring their tele
vision sets in the bathtub, or experimenting with mind
expanding drugs such as napalm and atrazine,"
Disclaimers said he welcomed the translator, but
said he wouldn't be necessary if reporters would only
learn to use tape recorders.
"At first I thought they should take my words
down on stone tablets," disclaimers said, "But that
took too long. So then I decided tape recorders would !
be all right,"
Disclaimers said if the translator works out, he may
use him in his private life,
He said several times a day he is misunderstood by
eople other than the media. A misunderstanding even
ed to his marriage, he said,
"I was lying on this nice, soft sand at the beach, and
saw this girl, I asked her to bury me, The next thing J
knew she was introducing me to her parents,"
We got scooped again!
Robkins injured Yer fanny looking for seven-footer
Unhappy and frustrated about the failure of recent
petitions calling for dissolution of the NU Central Admini
stration, faculty members Thursday announced they have
decided on an alternative means to eliminate the systems
office.
r Pictured above is an unidentified faculty member using
the new approach. .
The faculty member is shown jumping from the roof of
.Rodent's Hall, onto the head of a well-disguised NU Presi
dent Ron Robkids. '," ';
Robkids reportedly donned wig and beard to go jog
ging. Robkids' press secretary reported that Robkids wore
the disguise because an anounymous call tipped Robkids
off that violent acts may be perpetrated against him.
Copyright 1979, K-Tel
The Daily Halfassken has learned through a rival news
paper that a drastic revision has taken place in cheerlead
ing selection at UNL,
"In our never-ending quest for equality in. the athletic
department, we are searching for a seven-foot cheerleader
to fairly represent the taller folks on our basketball team,
UNL Ahtletic Director Scratch Yerfanny said, sucking on
a cherry popsicle.r. &
1 doubt it seriously," said UNL cheerleading-recruitor
Jerry Leavemealone. ;r , . j.
; This job is a real pain, Leavemealone said, with a
diseased look on his face, . :
"I found one girl in a Back to School parade in Wiscon
sin, but she was on stilts, I don't think she had the shot to
be a major college cheerleader, anyway," he said, shaking
his head,
"In Alliance, I found three 260-pound girls named
Selmon with great speed in the 40, but we couldn't recruit
them, Our quota was filled," he added,
"We might have to sign up two Lennon Sisters and
have them ride piggyback," Leavemealone lamented,
"And that's only the start of it, There's a Baptist, a
" used car salesman's son and an ex-Marine on the team and
J have to find cheerleaders for all of them," he said, fights
ing back the tears,
Faculty
wants
By Massage Caress
An angry mob of UNL faculty stormed Rodents Hall
today demanding that the Shah of the NU Central
Administration, Ron Robkids, be returned to them to
stand trial and return the money he has taken from the
UNL budget.
'These administrators are spies and the shah has ex.
ploited the budget to only benefit himself and his hand
picked few " shouted Richard Blowhard, one of the lead
ers of the faculty.
"We are poor, yet they are rich. We want the end of
this imperialistic view," exclaimed John Lynchmob,
another leader of the instructors.
The NU Bored of Rodents, who were in the building
holding a secret meeting, demanded to be released.
Kcrmit "The Frog" Wagonecr appeared before the
crowd and told the faculty that the rodents would agree
to be mediators in the controversy. However, the faculty
mob pelted Wagoneer with oranges in defiance of what
they termed the "imperialistic football team."
As Wagoneer retreated in the building he screamed,"!
knew this would happen when we gave those dumb
students the right to have political speakers ."
The administration hostages were reportedly being
treated well. Some were tied and forced to read the cen
tral administration's budget request one hundred times.
Others were forced to look at the rodents, who also were
tied and eacRed. One administrator, Billy Urksome.said
the osvcholoftical strain of looking at the rodents for a
t I.J f a! ..... ttK. nr.,1 PitaninA
long pcriOU Ol lime was uuiuuiauug aiiu aiwivtiuug.
Efforts to release the hostages has been minimal. UNL
administrators are reluctant to help in the release of the
hostages, especially the rodents, according to UNL
Chancellor Roy Dung.
To be honest, we really don't need them (administra.
tors and rodents) anyway-UNL could benefit without
them. Except I will miss the rodents' meetings. They were
so much fun Dung said.
ANUS President Spuddy Kooky, who was present at
the demonstration, praised the faculty's stand.
Maybe now we can get something done, like legalizing
marijuana, booze and gambling" Kooky said.
shah of UNL to stand trial
Rodents Hall, as seen by an artist hired by faculty members who want to dissolve the central administration.
. ... . Space courtesy of Dub Loveshermin
! - ........... ....... (..... .. i.if,.riir.
