o
Page 2
We've Figured You Out
Pink Shaft
YES, STUDENTS, there is a water shortage on
campus.
Our solution to this problem you don't HAVE
to flush after every use.
WE SUGGEST that the University living units fol
low this schedule in order that the problem can be
eliminated.
R Street Fraternity Row 3:45-3:49 a.m. (the al
loted time could be extended on weekend nights be
cause of the over-use of the facilities following wood
sies, etc.)
16TH STREET Fraternities and Sororities 7:45 -9:43
(women); 11:15-12:08 (men.) Diferentiation be
tween men and women is made for obvious reasons.
(Also, we must realize that the women get up for
You Listen to Me!
And Nylon prepared
himself an ark.
Then he let the animals
enter two-by-two.
There were no mix
matches, no duplications.
Each was of his own
kind.
And then the night fell.
The nasty Theta Xi's,
then entered into the ark
and placed a cork in the
only drain in the ark that
Nylon built.
Then, with a special
Stewart made Nylon
Hose, the Theta Xis be
gan to flood the ark. And
the ark sunk a few more
inches into the earth.
But then the animals,
being sore afraid, took
all of the extra provisions
(garbage) and rendered
it forth unto the Theta
Xi warriors.
And the Doves of peace
came riding np in cars
with an olive summons
in their teeth.
tsk, tsk, tsk.
Miss E-Week is a real
conductor this year. The
Engineers got a real
charge out of her.
The strong arm of the
law may be governing
rush week one of t h e s e
fine days. By executive
decree somebody is go
ing to tell the card pull
ers and preference filers
how to run their business.
Perhaps then IFC will
understand the problems
that Panhel has been fac
ing for the past 300 presi
dential rotations. No more
fun for the frat rats . . .
now the pot can call the
kettle black, because dis
crimination will be a
thing of the past.
On Inner Needs
DEAR CHARLOTTE,
I have been subject to
' splitting headaches, nau
sea in the morning and a
general discomfort all the
time. My mother is ex
t r e m e 1 y straight-laced
and my father is a dea
con inthe Methodist
church. I felt that since I
couldn't go to either of
them with my problem
maybe you could help me.
I am afraid I am in
trouble, serious trouble.
As of late, I have been
attending some parties of
a strange but exciting na
ture. We never do much
at these parties, but it is
somehow satisfying to my
inner needs.
Charlotte, I feel as
though I'm near the end
of my rope. I think I
shall be forced to take
drastic measures unless
ysa can help me. Here is
my problem. I want to
join the Ray Simmons'
Club but am afraid that
if I do I will be kicked
METTWTTdnSCOVD TXAE OP rTaUCATOW
Tcapphon 4774711, ext. 25. 15. IMt
Jnrt Aanriatad Catkmaia Pre. IaUraaUonal Praaa Biataawdallve:
JUtttrUmfHt Mvue, lananwrawoi
t'ubUtlKd at: Oil Jl Student t'lrioa Uneotn. I Nebraeta. 14th ft ft.
Tt Ft'; Jt M feaerallr pablihed aa April lat darlm it armot r, except
iorrsi timm whea April Ut fall durtiur aeattoa, ar when the Diruton 4 gOxVnt
Ammi- canparm Uw nmM, r tfttnudi ctvU defrwn teat. The Fink Shaft la Pub-
liberator
tern ire Editor
ta M Nrwa IMUar ...
Onpt tjtaars ....
fwm aaa 6aa Xaltor
AMktfaad Vaa and Gaaa
aWr DtH CMcam ..
Immt Paet IMcdwra ..
aWvfcar JSrliacr
Kr.rl
IrOuv Li
THE PINK SHIFT
YOU ALL have great faults, and you're all mixed up.
We suggest that you all do something about it,
flush Schedule Proposed
I'm the Boogie Man
People with theatrical
ambitions are being re
warded these days. The
local Theatre Guild has
proven that a distinct ad
vantage for a good show
CONFESSION: Dm to all af the 1n
auirira aa to Ike Menlitr ef the BM,
aare 4eelded to renal mrirlf.
I am raw Leader. I have wyi all
around. I have to. hecauae I don't
have anr time to communicate to
r with m. i rtdom let mr views
about the Calversltv he addrrrd
to yon. I doa't have time. I'd rather
let Mike aa It. Bat I dccldrd to be
rear one true Bootfe to let yoo know
me better. Seadt roar aurrestiona
ler the eataina to me. rare af th
Kac afflee. anr time. I nerd laa
mail far the Badxrt.
Piff
is a decent party after
wards. Too bad the work
ers have to start early
and rain the scene chang
ing. Us the season of inac
tivity . . .
The ground is getting
warm . . .
The troops are rallying
x
fLj
ft
fZ
' ' i innri-"" ,r"""-t-uM.rrrlntii
My Dear Charlotte .
out of the house. Please
help me.
Desperately,
PATTY PINKY
Dear Patty,
See Windy Linsen.
Tickle Giggle
DEAR CHARLOTTE,
I have a unique prob
lem. Every boy I go out
with tickles me. Not liter
a 1 1 1 y, of course, but I
mean every time a boy
tries to kiss me I giggle.
At times it is most em
barrassing, especial
ly when it's somebody I
really like.
Like the other night I
was out with this really
cool stud and we went to
the pillars and parked.
Well, Charlotte, he went
to kiss me and all of a
sadden, I started to gig
gle. I really felt dumb.
What am I going to do,
Charlotte? I really need
an answer to my prob
lem. 1 would appreciate
an answer in your col
umn. Maybe this guy will
EOITOKiAl
BCSIXEM
an
li"U
Takes Stand
their morning classes; thus, their right to the flush
hour. The only reason the men get up is to make it
down to the Grill on time perhaps they can use the
Grill's facilities, thus aiding the elimination of the Uni
versity's problem.)
Selleck Quad You fellas work it out on your
own. We're afraid that we'd be included in your
BitchBoard if we didn't propose a time which was suit
able for all of vou.
LINCOLN STUDENTS - You will use the Union's
facilities. They will be in operation during the coffee
hours, 9:00-10:00 a.m. and 2:00-3:00 p.m. (The union is
upset with us already they feel that EVERY hour
is the coffee hour.)
We wish you and our program success!
-T. F.
around the Buffalo at pio
neer . . .
The Alphonse Bennett
Hall hasn't done nothin
this year ... but give
the shaft to some really
deserving people . . .
The DG's are shafting
the Thetas . . .
The Theta 's shafted the
DG's . . .
Just as well bring back
the Red Dots ... Or
maybe they are still there
and the cause of the same
shaft . . .
Oh, well, anything for
a mystic mask . . .
The parliamentary pro
cedure boys should get
out their manuals and
sheets of goodies. There
are about 50 trillion mea
sures to change the rep
resentation, to chpge the
organization, to change
the purpose, to change
the programs, to change
the attitude, to change the
conservative elements, to
change presidents from
Capons to Toads, to
change the election day,
to change Greek Week, to
change the rules on who
approves constitutions, to
change the twin towers
into split-level-ranch-style
one-man-one-girl-houses.
With all those changes
Diaper service and John
powder. Gad look at
the baby burp.
It's a fact that the
Children's Zoo would
probably fall through if
it weren't for Fraterni
ties . . . maybe some of
the UPGPP would like to
volunteer for the cages.
This could be the year
of the Council, 1963 AC
(After Gage). It appears
read it and understand
and be more understand
ing. TICKLED BUT SAD
DEAR TICKLED,
Suggest Gillette Super
Blue Blades to your
dates. They give a clean
er shave and less tickle.
Second to Animals
DEAR CHARLOTTE,
I am a University stu
dent and decided to write
to you, as a friend of
mine suggested my com
ing to you with my prob
lem. My girlfriend and I
(we had been going
steady for three years be
fore we got married) got
married at Christmas
time. For a month we
got along just fine.
Then about two months
ago her mother moved in.
That was just fine be
cause I like her mother
but she brought her cat,
dog, canary, mouse, and
her pet goat.
I don't mind the cat,
dog, canary, and moose,
Hahed br atodento a the Unlverartr af Nabnufca under the aoalM aulnoriutioa
1 the Commute on Student Publication a aa expreeeiaa at etuoent oMrionJuat
at ail tli pubUaketf editorial cpr cantafned herein I a pcke?Ur InrtaSina
meal of Uw adrtini copy. Member, of the aUH of the Piak Shift are iaturaifcr
at raspotnibl vrbal titer Mr. do. or ease to be printed, April 1 1M
Anr reaemManec t actual athufioM or pcophi la thu) kteua la purely a Butter of
Interpmatton
Our one: COO par amlar caca
WIKIT
Blair
'
STAFF
Monday, April 1, 1963
Now . . . Shape Up!
That's Why!
brought about by the Anti-Greek
movement of the
University Party for the
Gross Prostitution of Pur
pose. But, as Don Butt
stated earlier, "W hat,
ME worry?"
But then again, the
Greeks are having too
much fun tearing the hell
out of each other to wor
ry about unity to defeat
the UPGPP. Seems kind
of a shame too. I was a
Greek once, still am I
guess. But after hearing
them all tear each other
to bits behind each oth
er's back and then the
cool move behind the
Pigi and Alpha Hairy
chested hut, the battle of
the Phi and Psi, the smut
of the Delts I start to
wonder whether their
doom isn't around the
corner.
Well, they someday will
wake up and get rid of
their immaturity. It would
help if a few of them
would look to Fanny
Farmer as an example in
stead of a scapegoat for
what they claim they
don't want to be.
This little Greek light
of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
All the time, all the
time, all the time.
Put it under a bushel,
NO!
I'm gonna let it shine
AU the time, all t h e
time, all the time.
Bill Buckley loves this,
this I know, for John
Lonnquist
tells me so . . .
Watch out, now ... I
might get YOU!
but I am allergic to
goats. If I weren't, I
wouldn't mind at all as I
am a pretty liberal fel
low. But since she moved
in, I have had to sleep
outside the house. Von
see, the goat is house-broken
and very susceptible
to the cold. I hate to say
anything to her as she is
my favorite mother
in-law, but Charlotte, I
most do something! I
have been In the hospital
five times with pneumo
nia this year.
Sincerely,
SAM SPINELESS
DEAR SAM,
That was just fine be
completely. I married a
man (once) who had a
particular a I f 1 n i t y for
horses. (You can imagine
THOSE in the house!) I
gave my husband an ul
timatumeither the horse
or me.
Address any future let
ters to Miss Charlotte
Chastise, Box 1, Haig,
Nebraska.
Wladr Lnaaea
. lry Gaser (Heliptar Una I
Linda ftanja, p,a
FrVndlr, fj, ftt, Hnklr theCerker
ilamkllaa apart
Fallea gpart
"'O WO". Farmlr HmMManner
Moait ttiveraiat, Aialraat Kkariaaiat
l?d that Jack
Vawa Ltagenein
Wirt PkMaacker, BUb fcgabacaa, FkanUm Late
IHaaH OrawUl
- Mr. Cleaa
ut.
Our Oats!
EDITOR'S NOTE: The Slate Ledla
lature recently pawed an emergency
meaaur, effective immediately, in
creasing the penalty for minora in
possession to $250 or 60 days in Jail,
and Increasing the penalty lor adult
buying liquor for a minor up to S00
and IS days. The new law provides
slightly lower penalties for Infractions
not involving false IDs.
These are times that try
men's souls. In the course
of our state's history, the
people of Nebraska have
rallied bravely when the
right to drink has been
threatened. Now, a new
crisis has arisen.
The Senate, better
known as the "43 Gover
nors," has legislated mor
ality in the form of a
stringent liquor law. Citi
zens and minors of Ne
braska, this could happen
to you.
Let me tell you the
story of a freshman
named Freddy. On that
tragic and fateful day, he
gave five to his room
mate for a bottle of Haig
and Haig.
Will they ever get wet?
No they'll never get wet,
not until they vote. They
may wander forever
through the bars of Lin
coln, but that's not where
they'll sow their oats.
Roomie handed in t h e
five at the house of bot
tles, when a voice said,
"You're under arrest." A
tear for old roomie He
was in a 500 dollar mess!
Fifteen long nights he
paced the station cryin',
"What will become of
me? Who'll feed the juke
box at Casey's or sup
port the DB & G?"
Will they ever get wet?
No they'll never get wet,
not until they vote. They
may wander forever
through the bars of Lin
coln, but thet's not where
they'll sow their oats.
Each day Freddie came
for visiting hours right on
the dot of two. And he
asked his roomie,
"Where's my booze,
where's my booze?"
Citizens of Nebraska, if
you think it's a scandal
how these boys have to
pay and pay, fight the
fine increase, vote for age
18 adulthood, get our kids
off the water dray.
Will they ever get wet?
No they'll never get wet,
not until they vote. They
may wander forever
through the bars of Lin
coln, but that's not where
they'll sow their oats.
Climbing
Mole
This is MY life.
Maybe some of you
don't know me, but I'm
Moel Lundack. I are a
member of Innocents and
naturally an activity jock.
But, I are going to be
getting married soon.
The other day, I tried
to escape down the fire
escape and down un
railroad tracks, but was
caught in the act.
My sentence has been:
"Chain him to the cash
register in Alphonse Ben
nett Hall. Make him take
the money from all the
collegiates, and let him
prepare for his Future."
So, like any grown
man, I are now working
my way through the pay
ments for the ring. But I
are really happy, cause
I get to steal my coffee
and save more moneys.
I are a rah, rah boy.
in!
Mole
HI
IH1
1H1S
The time has come, the
old guard said, to talk of
many things, and most of
all of Kings Ballroom.
Yes, campus, there is
a Kings Ballroom. It's
the result of a democrat
ic coup de tat and it was
fini.
Yes, campus, we will
miss the great orgies that
we used to have there.
However, it has been
decided that the ATO-FI-JI
parking lot will suffice
until something better
comes along. There will
not be as many acci
dents. Yes, campus, there is
an IFC. It has not been
too well organized since
1 left the helm, but suc
cessive Blights will
always have to fight with
mutiny on the bounty.
Campus Forlorn
Who, Me?
TO THE LIBERAL LIBERATOR:
What do you mean I am THE April Fool?
STICK LUCKEY
Grand Old Grant
TO THE LIBERAL LIB- ery step? Once inside the
ERATOR:
I have recently heard
of the move to tear down
grand old Grant Memori
al. Knowing, as I do, the
work that went into the
construction of the build
ing, I would urge all to
take another look at the
structure. It is a credit
to. the art industry.
Notice, if you will, the
gloriously sloping steps
leading up to it. Once in
s i d e, the superstructure
of it overwhelms one. The
steps leading up to the
gym are unique. They
have a character of their
own. For where else can
you find stairs that creak
on a different note at ev-
I'm
TO THE LIBERAL LIBER
ATOR! I realize that the Daily
Nebraskan is not under
the same regime as it
was when last year's Pink
Rag was published, but
perhaps you can pass on
my comments to Guard
less, There's Really Noth
ing - a - Matter-With-Me
Wordason.
My name is Frank Cos
tello. I am your dean of
men. I was featured in
last year's Pink Rag.
Yon ran my picture. The
picture was an old one.
oin
OUR COUNCIL CANDIDATES ARE
1
HARRY HORSEFEATHERS
Artificial Insemination Club,
Active in Block and Bridle,
hag had Hoof end Mouth
disease IS times. A real son
of the sod, Harry is i real
hairy candidate who don't
believe in nothing.
VOTE IF YOU
Nam
Address
Male Female
Check below the committee on which you would
Letislattve Railroad
Gerrymandering
Ballot Stuffing
Nepotism
I am not, never have been, or ever will be a member of Gamma Delta Iota or will I rec
ognize their existance as a Grecian yearn,
purge!
Signed , , , ,
Guarder of the
Yes, campus, there is
a Panhel. It is one my
most extremeley favorite
organization, be
cause, had it not been for
their existance during the
past 4,000 years of my
, interim at the University,
I would not able to do
too much for the campus.
The main problem is that
they refuse to gird their
loins for the fray, and
they have a basic prob
lem with the foundation
of their activities. ,
Yes, campus the whole
world is against me. I
know that there are those
that consider my martyr
dom a person insult, but
I personally consider it
one of my most sterling
qualities.
Yes, campus there is a
Student Council. Contrary
to popular opinion, it is
gym, one is immediate
ly aware of the stupen
dous quality of the floor.
It glistens with the radi
ance of 1000 oranges (not
at all). On into the other
room further back. There
is a peculiar bal
cony overhanging and
dominating the whole
room. It looks like the
remnants of the Victori
an period wherein Julius
Caesar may have been
performed with great
gusto.
In view of all these,
how can anyone condemn
this beautiful and horren
dous building? I plead for
the cause of preserva
tion. AN ADMIRER OF ART
Ticked
Yes, I was a cute little
cuss, but I'm really more
distinguished looking
now. Wordason was try
ing to make fun of me.
He made people laugh
AT me. I'm ticked off. I
want an apology. If he
doesn't say he's sorry,
then I won't invite him
to any of my tea parties.
If Wordason can be an
old man, I can be one
too.
So there!
Poutinglv vours,
FRANK COSTELLO
Dean of Men
PfP ID)
jl hjt
TRANDA TANK
Active in Kiddie Lit 302,
Snip and Paste Honorary
and the Society for the con
tinuation of low grade
nosepicks. She promises:
"Oh, oh. Look, Look. Look
and See me run, run, run."
MUST-BUT YOU
Rank
Affiliation
Other Hat
Young
not merely a figment of
campus imagination. In
stead it is a severe hal
lucination, resultant from
delerium tremens in the
mind of Don Burt.
Yes, campus, there is
a Dean Ross. He is
striving mightily to help
improve fraternity rela
tions, when what the cam
pus is more interested in
is imporving fraternity
sorority relations.
Yes, campus, there is a
campus. It Is hidden
under the multitude of
busy "vork of the drones
in the hive of Builders,
AUF, Student Council,
Panhellenic and every
fraternity but the Fijis.
Yes, campus, there is a
Don Furguson.
Yes, campus, we have
been wondering why too!
YouVe
Got a
Problem!
By Pi Math Epsilon
When I was going to
St. Ives, I met a man
with seven wives, each
wife had seven sacks,
each sack had seven
cats, and each cat had
seven kits. Kits, cats,
s a c k s and wifes, how
many were going to St.
Ives?
Take the number that
you arrive at for the an
swer to this problem, di
vide by the distance in
miles to the Delt Woods,
subtract the number of
girls who have appealed
to AWS and had their
appeals okayed. To t h i s
add the number of rumors
about who is the real
power in administration
and divide by the differ
ential of the logrhythm
of e-mc2.
Send answers to room
6666 Burnett. Winners will
be announced in next
week's Pink Shaft.
Correct answer to last
week's problem, lxl-, was
Monty Diffin. Tom Co
touk only missed the an
swer by 1-16.
ID)
SLEWFOOT SAM
Active in Assets Anonymous
and captain of the U of N
Monopoly team and past
grand master of the Athletic
Slush fun J. Sam is probably
best known on campus as
the vodka orange varmit
MUST VOTE
Serial Number
Size
most like to serves !
y
.Kocowski Fan Club
.Hone for the Abolition of Greeks
.Handshake and Ritual
.Whereas
eteMtajaara
t'w Mr
some.
