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About The Norfolk weekly news-journal. (Norfolk, Neb.) 1900-19?? | View Entire Issue (Jan. 29, 1909)
i i i ii inn unni-irili'ii " ' | | | < in ll i n iiiinii iiiiilMWlMn _ I s T11K NOKKOL.K . Vt. . 131 rtLY NEWS JOUNAL FRIDAY JANUAUY 20 lilOS ) | ho Norfolk Weekly News-Journal i Tim News , Established 1881. Tliu _ . > miriiiilI3HiibllH _ ( _ THjfHUBE PUBLISHING COMPANY. , \V. N/lfuso , N. A. Huso. 1 President. Secretary , Evi'ry Friday , lly "mil l"'r year. $1.50 , Entered ill tlio postollleo nt Norfolk ] Noli. , nH MCI unit class mutter. PoleplionoH : " "Editorial Department No. 22. HiiHlnuHH Ollloc ami Job UOUIUH NO. ii 22. Thu total iiopnlatloti of thu Urltlsli umpire In over -100.000,000. A day In .limn IH now no rarer tlnui a day without a presidential message Augusta , ( la. , IUOIIIH Into prominence , ' while Oyster Hay sinks Into ItH old time obscurity. Self COUSeloUHIIOHS llllH 1)0011 ) Wittib defined UK a person's Inalilllty to gel out o ( lila own way. Why all this dlHCUHHlon about whnl women do best ? Any man can an jjwor that in three letters M-E-N. A Iloston physician recommends that wo oacli oat a do/on raw eggs dally. Ho must take us for million nlros. Uncle Sam spout $15,000 In collect Ing facts abo\it \ the Brownsville matter tor , and still Senator Forakcr wants more. When W. W. Kitchen , governor ol North Carolina organizes his cabinet It must of necessity bo a "kitchei cabinet. " A Now York builder says that tin value of the building now under con at ruction In that city exceeds more than $100,000,000. The St. Louis man who found $10 , 000 Inside a can of tomatoes has noi yet Instituted prosecution against the canncrs for adulteration. The picture postal card has now reached the domain of the Amur o : Afghanistan , where it appears with at elaborate border of llowors. Mr. Carnegie's announcement thai the people arc partners in all greal fortunes Is a happy one , and makes us want our share right away. A good way to settle this woman's suffrage proposition would be to re quire all women voters to tell their ag < as a requisite to voting. A woman may not be able to drive n nail very successfully , but then the average man would bo awkward aboui buttoning his vest up the back. With Senator La Follette , Mr. Dryai and presently Mr. Uoosevelt all on tlu firing line , the fourth estate ought t ( lie vigorous , spicy and up to date. Of course It Is merely a coincidence that the biggest bargain sales are al ways advertised In capltol cities while the state legislatures arc In session. Night riding Is not the sport It was before six participants received the death sentence for their heinous crimes and two more twenty-year 1m prlsonmcnts. An Irate Arkansas patriot threw ni ! egg at a state legislator. A police magistrate lined the offender ? 1. Thh flue , added to the cost of the egg , made It an expensive deal for the patriot. Miss Beatrice- Mills , daughter of millionaire Ogden Mills of Now York , Is the latest American girl to purchase nn English lord. How long before she will bo offering him for sale at bar gain prices ? Andrew Carnegie says it is almost as hard to keep a fortune as to gain It. And Andrew seems to bo having the worst time of all disposing of his. Ho is having another spell of lauding honest poverty. The world's gold production last year was about $ -125,000,000. Of this aggregate Uncle Sam absorbed about one-fourth and now has securely locked in his strong box more than | l,000,000,00f of the precious metal. Dr. Wiley , the enthusiastic pure food specialist , estimates that the pure food law has saved the people of the country $100,000,000 through avoided sickness. This estimate seems some what visionary , but no one denies the value of Dr. Wiley's work. Now that there is a scheme to place a $77,000,000 duty on Imported coffee and the prohibitionists are Increas ingly alert. It begins to look as though the ordinary American citizen would bo obliged to run the risk of drinking water as a regular beverage. Locusts are ) proving very troublesome - some In Panama. We are glad to send word to our Panama friends that in the United States wo are at the pres ent time entirely free from the perse cution of mosquitoes and all other pestiferous Insects. Unless the bill Increasing the sal ary of the president is passed before March , President Taft wlllbo obliged to subsist on the present Income from the office , for the constitution forbids ralBlngTtho president's salar ) during the term for which ho It elected. Mr. Bryan Is against expansion bill he's perfectly willing that Nebraskr should spend her money cdncatliu oriental brown men In the art 01 citizenship. There are more than ninety members bors of the United States senateam UNO congressmen. It will bo noticed however , says the Toledo Blade , thai the president has not called for help It Is unfortunate that alllllallot of the training school for nurses a the Norfolk Insiiue hospital , with throe prominent Omaha hospitals , Is to IK lost because of a change In state nil ministration. The man who refuses to adverttsi his business because It will cost bin something Is as foolish as the nun who refuses to be saved from drown Ing because he fears ho might have t < pay a reward. Mr. Rockefeller has handed over an other million to the Chicago "U. " Thii makes $2.1.000,000 all told which tin oil magnate has poured out to lubrl cato the wheels of the great unlver slty's machinery. Wyoming Is following the lead o Kentucky and Tennessee In carnlva of lawlessness. It Is strange hov humanity In herds will engage ii criminal acts which no one of tin band would countenance. An agreement has dually beei reached with Yonc/.uola by which It h understood that the five causes o controversy are to be referred to the Hagut tribunal and that a now treat ; will provide for a settlement of nl future disputes by arbitration. Norfolk Is to be congratulated upoi the fact that the city council author Izcd the taking of a local census , am from present appearances the clt ; is going to score up above and beyom the 5,000 mark , oven without the an nexed territory now in the courts. Annie Peck , who recently scaled UK highest peaks of the Andes , says tha good lungs and a strong heart are tin essentials of success In mountain as censlons. Plus a level head , thesi arc the things that count In all kind ! of climbing. The man who knows what he ough to do next Is as common as black berries. But the man who knows wha he ought to do next and goes am does it is as rare as an orchid and : thousand times more valuable. It is now suggested that Washingtoi city be made "dry. " This is emlnentl ; proper. There are a good many mem bers of congress who represent "dry states and talk "dry" talk and inas much as their constituency is alwayi dry they ought to be made to sta ; dry at Washington or turn their con stituency loose. Heroes and heroines have beei brought to light in large numbers b : the fearful Italian calamity , but It hai been specially touching to see tin devotion of Queen Helena , who for getful of all her artificial royalties has revealed the true royalty of i noble nature. In San Francisco a man got eight years for stealing eight cents , while a banker who wrecked a bank with $9,000,000 deposits got eighteen months. Justice seems to nave been shaken from her equilibrium In the earthquake and It looks doubtful if she ever regains It. People who drew farms on the Rose bud will be glad that the date for filing has been postponed. To have bben compelled to have made land selec tions in March might have worked hardship , as it would be difficult to select a claim intelligently at that season. The new ruling overcomes that objection. Secretary Wilson plans to inaugur ate the circulating of small libraries on agriculture , horticulture , poultry and stock raising among the farmers of the country , each community ownIng - Ing it's own collection of books. This is n very practical and helpful sug gestion as most of Secretary Wilson's Ideas for the promotion of farm in terests are. The secretary of agriculture comes nt-aror exercising the autocratic power of a czar , In case It becomes necessary to do so than any other head of de partment. He absolutely controls the food , meat , drink and drug supply of the country and under various laws ho can stop interstate traffic in all food and drugs. Lest some one should fear this power it may bo said that it Is exorcised only for the benefit of the people. Mr. Taft spoke In Cincinnati of the remarkable good fortune which had followed him since the beginning of his career , and of the seemingly prob able misfortunes which he had escaped. Ho said be feared that be might do or not do something whlcl would turn the lucky tide of his nf fairs. He Is right In thinking thai when a man has luck which no OIK else ciui beat he can beat It hlmsel If he tries. An eastern paper wants to kno\\ what can be done to prevent earth quakes ? Ueally , there has been nt method discovered of 'controlling ' tlu action of earth or sea , whether It he normal or abnormal , but thoio are plenty of places on the globe whirl have never been visited by sucl "touches of natuie" to accommodate the nervous Inhabitants of the earth intake belt. The Republicans In congress havi finally called a halt on further persona abuse of President Roosevelt. It I about time. If there is nothing o value to the country that the congresi of the United States can do , they hat better adjourn. If there is , they hiu bettor got down to business and do It Bitter attacks upon Its chief executlvi will never make the country better richer or happier. In the first Issue of Senator Li Folletto's weekly paper the cdltoi says : "It is founded in the belief tha It can aid in making our govorninon represent with more fidelity the wil of the people. " "No eminence , " sayi the senator , "of position in party o government shall protect a servant o the people from deserved criticism. ' No one knowing Senator La Follotti will doubt the truth of this state niont. William Howard Taft In his receu Journey through the southern statei has still further demonstrated his ca paclty and rare tact in mooting thost who differ from him. Ho mot the blacl man and the white man as men am as his friends but never misled then as to his own views. The Flllplnoi called him the "pacificator. " Hi promises to become as much bclovei In the great homeland as he Is union ; the Malays of the far off Islands of tin sea. It Is only when we compare the ac cldent mortality with battlefield earn ago that we realize something of tin significance of such a comparison. Fo example , it is a sanguinary conlllc that leaves 30,000 dead upon a battle field. Less than 3,000 fell at Gettys burg , but according to the bureau o labor from 30,000 to 35,000 America ! wage-earners meet death from accl dents every years. It almost looks a : though the hazard of work was greato than the hazard of battle. It has been discovered by an office in the division of foreign markets o the department of agriculture that tlu niotor car has so far replaced abou 00,000 horses in this country. Yet farn horses have never been In such dc mnud as at the present time. An in creasing demand for farm and busl ness purposes seem to keep pace will the Increase in the use of motor cars The farm horses alone in use Januar : 1 , 190S , numbered 10,992,000 in rouni numbers. There is increasing emphasis belli ? placed on the need of medical Inspec tion of a rigid character in the public schools , nor should this inspection stoj at adnoids , defective eyes and cars and physical conditions , nor oven a' ' hygienic conditions of housing the pupils. It should extend to a domain for proper physical exercise. No amount of knowledge , Information , learning , education or wisdom Is worth good health , nor Is It necessary to sacrifice cither for the other as Is now the rule. President Roosevelt has called a halt on what he says Is the biggest trust of all the water power combina tion. He vetoed the James river privileges in Missouri and declares that the people of the country are threatened with a monopoly far more powerful , because in closer touch with their domestic and industrial life , than anything known to our experience. The president points out that with the coal supply diminishing the time Is coming when the electrical compan ies , if allowed to intrench themselves , will be able to charge all the traffic will bear. Men of science have boon studying the alligator and have discovered that every part Is of some value. A half grown specimen is worth far more in money than the largeststeer. . The tooth alone are worth from two to four dollars a pound according to size. Every square Inch of the hide makes a far more durable and attractive coverIng - Ing than leather , parts of the flesh arc greatly prized by the natives for food , while two freshly laid alligator eggs arc said to be every bit the equal of lien's eggs when cooked properly. It has long been n question among progressive nations what would hap pen If the four hundred million inhabl- tants of the Chinese empire should over become fully aroused and con scious of their power. Sir Robert Hart , for many years Inspector general of Chinese customs makes the striking suggestion that when that time comes , China will turn to the rest of the world and say : "Gentlemen , there must be no more fighting. " The strong I cst nation would , Sir Robert believes i become a beneficent policeman , keep Ing the smaller natlons'ln order. QuIU a new and dlfllcut role for China t < play. President Gomez of Venezuela hai icle'iised the twenty-seven polltlca prisoners which Castro had conllnei In dungeons where ho was systematl cally starving them to death. Presl dent ttomoz found them -to bo mci from tie ! best families of Venezuela They were In a most pitiable condltloi when liberated. 'Yllllans of the Cas tro type should not be sheltered Ii civlllKod countries where they escapi punishment for their heinous crimes SUGGEST AN ID13A. Suggest a trademark and slogan fo the city of Norfolk , and win a prize. The Commercial club of this clt : Is offering three prizes for $5 , $3 am $2 to the persons submitting the bos Ideas to be used In making a trade mark and slogan for the city of Nor folk. folk.The The fact that Norfolk Is the gatcwn ; to this new northwest should hi woven Into the scheme. The plan of the club Is a good one and those resourceful ones , whoreve they live , who have genuine Ideas should get busy. Scud suggestions to J. D. Sturgeon secretary of the Norfolk Commercla club. Somewhere between the statement ! freely made that the United Stntei is the most corrupt nation on earth and the contradicting statement tha its people hold the highest and mos ' altruistic Ideals , lies the real trull about the American people. An edu cated French women , who has spoil much time In this country says of us "As a people your Ideals and youi moral tone are ahead of any Euro pean nation ; Individually you are ap to be disappointing. But the fac alone that here one constantly bean reference to service , and the desln and Intent to render service tha serving has been made , howevo : recently , a public Ideal strikes tin foreigner forcibly. " The constantly increasing numbei of American women who are engaged In Industry of some form outside the home Is almost appalling. Many see In it a serious menace to the homos ol the nation. Be that as it may womei are evidently in industry to stay.Vi cannot very well discharge C,000,001 workers tomorrow morning. Thlnl- what useless things the telephone sys terns of the country would be with nl the "hello" girls off duty. What inusl be done Is to so manage the nation's industries as to keep the moral am' physical health of these 6,000,000 wo men workers Intact. Never before has there been such an alliance betweci women wage-earners of all classes foi the securing of legislation by which II is the industrial woman's destiny tc humanize Industry , not only for hoi own benefit but for the benefit of the whole human race. Senator Hopkins , a member of the senate's canal committee , has Intro duced a bill Increasing from $135,000 , 000 to $500,000,000 the authorize ! Issue of bonds for the construe tion of the Panama canal. This Is generally regarded as Indicat ing the committee's conviction thai the cost of the work will largely exceed ceod the original estimates and possl lily as pointing to a forthcoming do clsion In favor of the sea level plan. The members of the house committee who have just returned from Panama saw that the present canal administra tion is vigorous and efficient and worthy of public confidence and pre dict tlmt under the direction of present authorities , if left undisturbed , the canal will be completed In 1915. The business situation is largely a state of mind. Judging from the un precedented extravagance with which Christmas and New Year's were cele brated the United States must have more than recovered from the panic of 1907. The fact Is far more significant than the output of the blast furnaces. The actual aggregate advance in the value of listed stocks in 1908 over the panic level of a year ago is placed at three and a half billion dollars. But as a trade Indication , the fact that people ple are no longer preaching economy , but rather feeling confident and in clined to spend lavishly , outweighs all other indications. Not that the admonitions against speculations and extravagance have been thrown away. They have merely been laid by for use in the next panic. When a syndicate of western men announced their intention to build a railroad down the Gulf of Mexico to the Mexican border the head of the biggest system in the southwest ridi culed the project and told them.they might get a few carloads of stuff going In , but there was nothing to bring out , but rattlesnakes and chaparral. It was a hasty judgment and It was wrong. The road was built. It paid Its way , and it has been the means of opening up wastes given over to rattlesnakes and chaparral and con verting them to orange groves , truck gardens and sugar plantations. Such baa been the history of most rallroada. The story of the building of the Cnim dlan Pacific reads like a tragedy bill today the men who fought , cursed nm suffered to In Ing It to completion are among the richest of the knights of the British crown. When .1. .1. Hill was struggling against fearful odds to gel the drentu of years built across the un Inhabited western wilds , men of busl ness called It "Hill Folly. " Today tho.\ Rppuk lesppctfully of "Hill's Greal I Northern" nml hold It up us a paragoi 'of ' freight railroads. A tilumph awaits the publisher wlie will have the courage * to reduce the size' of his Sunday paper Instead o ! padding It. T'le Emporla Gazette telh very dieilly of the I'ato of the dropslca Sunday edition In the following bum orotis rhyme1 : "I spent live cents foi the Sunday Hart and hauled It homi In a two wheeled cart. 1 piled the sec tlons upon the floor , till they reachoi as high as the kitchen door ; 1 hung the chromes upon the wall , though thoie wasn't room to hang them all , and the yard was littered some two feet dee | with "comic sections" that made me weep ; and there wore sections of pin ! and green , a woman's section nm magazine , and sheets of music the which. If played , would quickly make an audience fade ; and there were pat terns for women's gowns , and also foi gentlemen's hand-me-downs , and i false moustache and a rubber doll nm a deck of cards and a parasol. No\\ j men , are busy with dray and cart a-haullng away the Sunday Dart. " The bill Introduced Into the Nobnis ka legislature to compel a hotel te have sheets of certain length and ludl vldiial towels , is no Joke , and the com merclal travelers of the state are push Ing It hard. It seems unfortunate thai such stops should bo essential to the comfort and health of the traveling public , but where the hotel keeper re fuses to provide cleanliness and whole someness at $2 per day , there Is justi fication in asking the state to stop In and take a hand. Some country hotole prove exceptions to the rule and pro Vide clean towels and suitable sheets ; some there are , also , and the pity It is , which allow guests to use towole reeking with filth , and to sleep in beds covered with blankets that are satur ated with dust and probably germs. II is an unfortunate state of , affairs which makes It necessary to feirce any business man or institution to be en terprlsing , and it is merely a matter ol enterprise as Is demonstrated by the fact that the hotel that Is clean and wholesome gets the bulk of the patron age from the men on the road. It would pay any hotel to treat its guests de cently without intervention of the law , but if they refuse ordinary decency , there's nothing to do but write it down in the statute book. AROUND TOWN. Now's the time to stand up and be counted. Looks like Norfolk is "there and over" tliis time on the census count. Be counted. Northern Nebraska can dig up an earthquake any old time earthquakes become the popular thing. The one at Creighton was just at the right time. One Norfolk man who went to church Sunday night , can't tell much of what the preacher said but is able to swear tlmt a certain young lady , wearing a now diamond j'ing , fixed her front-hair with her left hand exactly forty-seven times. Didn't that fog remind you of dea ol' Lon'on ? Now for a safe and sane St. Valen tine's day. Resolved , That the firemen are rat tling good fellows. It would be difficult to say whethe more persons have been mentioned ii connection with Taft's cabinet or tin president's hunting trip , but honors ar pear to be about even. Be sure that the census taker count : you at least once. He's on the way. "I'm getting so I can't sleep wel unless there's a fire alarm at 2:15 : a in. , " said a Norfolk man. A Norfolk man has this sign stlcklni In his yard : "Keep on the sidewalk 0 word for men ; a fence for cattle. " The escapade of those two Londoi bandits ought to furnish red hot inn torlal for the moving picture shows. A Norfolk woman who went to i euchre party the other day , drew i partner whom she just barely knew About the first time round this al most straugo partner leaned half eve the table , when trumps were belni declared , and whispered to the othe woman , "I've got the Joker. " And i look of chagrin and wonderment cami over the face of the joker-holder whei her partner , ignoring the "tip , " passei the trump and allowed the opponent to make It and score. Apparently i woman who wouldn't take ndvantagi of the "hunch" and steal a march tc ward the prize , was a very , very ran spectacle. NEBRASKA POLITICS. Grand Island Independent : "Mamie X * X + XX * X + XX + X + X + X + XXX + X + XXXX + XXX + XX * X + X + X * v ' $ > I Johnny Dumper Has Experience * r I Trying to Sell Earthquake Books * Lincoln , Neb , Jan. 23.To the Kd tor of The News : Did you over pei die erth quake books ? It iilnt what It crackt up to be. Is It ? I've had mor doors Hlaimt In my face this week tha 1 ever will agon , for 1'vo glv up th book business. Ouo door-bell mat shut the door so quick when I se book that If my noso'd bin a Inc longer I'd a lost a pooeej. Why , they set ! people was j'ust era/ for books about the orth-qunko and the Hint at all. One woman se > d sh wudent have ono for a gift for It mad her Hhlvver to even think about It , Ic alone lead about It. If ennyhody In Norfolk wants a ertl quake book cheep I'll sell them th seven I've got left out of the duzzo that I orderd for Just what they COH me , sixty six and three thirds cent apeece. I only sold live In six day and one of them was to Uncle Osca and too was to old friends of pa tha live In Lincoln. Book agentlng Isnt my fort , and tliei I was unlucky. There was a yuni Italian feller got in just abed of m with a dlffrout company's book and h sold neerly too hundred in a week , bu he's what you wild call a smooth guy Ho goes to n house and puts up speel about his poor old father am mother both being killed by the ertl quake in Slsslly and he wants to mak enuf money to go back and tend tbel funeral when they get them all gather together , and the publishers helpt bin by redooslng the bolesiill price to bin bo that he can sell a book that's mad to retail at $2.50 for only $1.50 am make just ton cents apeece on then to help him go back and see what' left of his poor old fokes. lie reel ; makes S5c on every book ho sells am his lather and mother live in Omuhn but the people ho tolls that stuff ti seem to beleevo every wurd of It , fo he talks In broken English and It win make a mule cry to beer him lay 1 off. Now I just can't Ho like that , It don' seem to be In me. I dldent no boo ! agents had to be liars to be success fill or I wudcnt'vo trlelo It. Seemi lilce a feller has to have a sllppr ; SI ! " say the state house employe now , when they see Auditor Barton And , all the saiuee , Mr. Barton Is enl ; applying the rules found profitable am judicious in all other lines of business ABOUT NORFOLK. Fremont Tribune : A Norfolk mai has compiled a sausage fifty-six fee from tip to tip. It was doubtles ; made from a dachshund. ATCHISON GLOBE SIGHTS. A pretty man Is seldom good fo anything olsc. The women think that every time i iiiUn goes Into a dry goods store , he li robbed. It Is easy to got orders over a tele phone , but you can't collect over i telephone. Yellow shoos will not look glarln ; no matter how cold the weather turni until It snows. This Is the season when people win say that grapes can be kept all winter tor , by putting sealing wax on tin stems have nothing to say. Sentiment will not bold out Ion ; against cold weather. An 'Atchlsoi ' brldegioom , neglected his kindling and for two mornings has used hii bride's love letters for starting tin fires. When a girl Is slxteon years old , hoi mother goes crazy If a boy looks a her. Two years later , the mother Ii quite Indifferent to boya , and when tin girl reaches twenty , the mother think ! it mighty funny if her daughter hasn' gentleman company. About Norfolk. Madison Post : We do not knov wno writes the "Around Town" columi for The Norfolk Dally News , but w < wonder how ho knows that "talcun podwer on a girl's cheek tastes bettei than any other known preparation. ' Fremont Tribune : Elkhorn Valloj physicians at Norfolk refused to heai a paper by a Norfolk doctor who hai Issued a pamphlet in which ho at tacked some of his competitors in UK profession. They probably wanted te see that at least ono Nebraska mai know how Congressman Wlllott fel wnon his congressional brothers votei not to listen to his attack on the pros ! dent. Grand Island Independent : Norfolk's Commercial club has quite a practica way of taking care of the city's visi tors should at any tlmo the hotel fa cllitlcs be overtaxed. Under the aus plcos of the club n list of private resi deuces has been compiled nt which In case of necessity and upon shor notice a room can bo spared. Tills listed room Is to remain at the ells posal of the club at any tlmo , so lon as the resident does not notify the committee that the room is no longei available. THE TOUCH THAT RAILED. Dear Pator : I'm Inscribing For your sapient Information A problem that Is driving meTe To doleful desperation : k'PJtf JkTJL.TJkVJL.'r.i.TAT AT A V A-PAT AT lung to bo successful In most eniiy- things nowdnys , 'cept farming. But I've got n snap for next week all rite ami I wont haf to toll onny lies to hold my Job cot hot' . I've got a job to po/e for a artist that has a line Ktewdlo beer In Lincoln while ho paints me Into a p'lckturo that he's going to call "The boy stood on the burning deck Whense all hut him had Hod ! " that poem you know that Mr. Lougfol- ler rote about the Spanish-American war down to Canlyago. This artist met mo on the street yes terday as I was coming homo from trying to sell crth-quako books and bailout sold a erne , and I gess I wan looking prltly Irlue , and he HOS "Hello iiou ! Want a job ? " And I SOS'H v quick's a wink "You botcher life ! " J And he ses , "Como along up to my stewdlo and lots see how you look In the setting of my new plckture. I A bleovo If you brighten up a bit and | look bravo you're Just the kind of a looking boy I want. " Well mobbe you don't think I lookt brave's 1 cud when ho stood mo up beside a Iniltnshun mast and put u soril In my hand and went back to .what bo calld his eezlo to take a squint at me. And he sos , "You'll do all right when I get you llxt U ] ) In sailor togs. Now you come around at half past ale next Monday morning and I'll give you twenty cents an our and you can pozo as monny ours n day as you can stand it. " Gee ! but I'll bet I'll make sum'oozy money ! Why , If I only pozo ate ours a day that'll bo one sixty and I bet I can stand It feir longor'n that for all a feller's got to do Is to stand still and hold up a son ! in one hand and the mast of a ship In the uther. And then there's all kinds of chances for a feller to rlze If ho makes good as a artist's moddel. 1 don't just re member what boy moddols rlzo to bo but 1'vo rod of just lots of girl moddelK that rose to bo fiimus In the news papers. I can't hardly wait till Monday. Yours , * < Johnny Dumper. In extonso , ex tempore , Without further hesitation , Your allowance Is too meager For my college education ! You know the cost of living 'Mong a cultured population Has materially Inflated Since your adolescencatlon. As your fortune takes no cognizance Of slight disintegration A little larger draft would bo A great alleviation. Hoping you will see , Dear Pater , This is no hallucination , Needing no detailed description Or undue collaboration , And that you will shell out blandly As befits ono of your station , I remain your only loving son , In sleepless expectation. Alonzo. Dear Alonzo ; Same size draft ! Don't spread It on so , I've no graft ! Bo more careful ! Don't go daffy ! Don't try giving your Dear Dad taffy ! Pater. . Richard F. Marwood. IF I'D A JUST A BEEN AWAKEI ( As Told by the village detective the morning after the bank was rob bed. ) If I'd a Just a boon awake Instead of belli' asleep When them there blame bank robbers Came around to take a peep Thoro'd a been a shootln' match To make yor epidermis creep , If I'd a just a been awake ! Condemn my sleepy picture For not a looking round ; A llvin * just a block away And never heard a sound ! There'd a been a different story For the papers , I'll bo bound , If I'd a Just a been awake ! Been a looking for them fellers For most a year or more ; If that alnt the durndest bit of luck I over had before , For when they finally did come round I just lay there and snore , If I'd a just a been awake ! I'd a grabbed my automatic Colt , My smokeless thirty-eight , ' And a slipped around the corner By the bank and laid In wait , And the first durned yeggman showed up I'd a made disintegrate , If I'd a Just a been awake ! That automatic Colt , why man I'm givln' yo no chaff ! It 11 shoot the whole eight bullets In two seconds and a half , And'll penetrate from end to end A full grown yearling calf , If I'd Just a been nwnko ! , If I'd Just a knowcd thoy's comln' 1 d a hid besldp the vault With my automatic in my hand And I'd a called out "Halt ! " And If airy bugger got away 'Twould not a been my fault , If I'd a Just a been awake !