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About The Falls City tribune. (Falls City, Neb.) 1904-191? | View Entire Issue (Jan. 22, 1909)
KNEW NONE BY THAT NAME Massachusetts Postmaster Misunder stood Inquiry Made by a Pros pective Tourist. A i< rlain well-known New York I anker was preparing to tdke an automobile (our on the north shore of 'Massachusetts. Mis objective point being the quaint fishing vil lage of Gloucester, it occurred to him that it would he wise to find out in advance if that place afforded a garage where In- touring ear could he sheltered when not in use and re paired when necessary. To flint end the hanker wrote to the postmaster, courteously asking for the desired information. What was his surprise a few days later when the card he had inclosed in his letter of inquiry came hack with this written thereon: “1 find in our city directory that no one of the name of Garage gets mail at this office. The nearest to it is a family of the name of Gam mage, living on the Neck road. "Postmaster.” The hanker courteously sent a sec ond note thanking tho post muster for his information, IN GOOD COMPANY, <J • « H <S N o V e ft The Turnip—Old Cauliflower must ho on his good behavior, he hasn't b'een drunk for some time. The Carrot—Yes, lie swore off and is living with the watermelons. THE IRONY OF YOUTH. The party of adults going fishing <lid not want any children among them, and the little ones who had an inkling of the project were satisfied as to the falsity of their suspicions of the real nature of the trip. Hut little .lackey, on his father’s return, spied a basket in which lay a for gotten solitary fish. Immediately he began to howl and would not be comforted. “Oh, oh, oh!” he bawled. "To think my mother lied to me!" Hai ti more American. BLASTED HOPES. “Don’t yon know that when you start the new year oil' by getting drunk, as you did yesterday, you’ll be drunk every day in the year?” sternly catechised the judge, ad dressing the bedraggled hobo; “drunk every day! I’ll give you six months’ sentence!” “I don’t see how I'll he drunk every day o’ th’ year,” muttered the disappointed hero, “if y’ send me Tip f'r six months!”—Illustrated Sunday Magazine. HE EXPLAINED. Answering a charge of cruelty, in court, a Billville citizen said: “I never killed, the mule until the mule conic nigh killin’ me. I some times kills rattlesnakes for their rat tles; an’ I ketches an’ sells mockin’ birds for their songs. But that's all!’’—Atlanta Constitution. HOW HE TOOK IT. “Every bit of food on this table,” said the serving lady to Lamson, ns he sat down to eat at the church sup per, “was cooked by your wife!” “Oh, I don’t mind,” rejoined Lamson, faintly; “I’m not a bit hungry, anyway 1” AN ADAGE DISPUTED. “Politeness costs nothing,” said the man of ready-made wisdom. “I guess,” answered Mr. Cumrox, “that you never had any experiences with these cafe waiters who regulate their politeness by the size of the tip.” WHAT IT MEANS. “I’d like a riference, ma’am,” said the cook, who had been request ed to resign. “You mean,” replied Mrs. Hiram OlTen, “you’d like a letter in which there should be no reference to any thing ” TRAVELED UP THE LADDER Man Wise Had Attained His Goal Re veals to Others the Secret of His Success. Around the stove in a grocery store in Penobscot county, Mo., a group of the natives were discussing politic- m general and olliet’-holdmg in particular. "Well, hoys," said one old chap, "1 kin tell ye suinthin’ about it myself. I've had considerable ex perience in that lino. W hen I begun I wasn’t much; but ve’ve got to start aumwhere, an’ ye can't be too particular when you’re only com mencin'. ‘ When I begun, ‘twa'n’t more'n school agent, but I took it an' thanked ’em for it. Well, after that I kept risin’ an’ risin’, till I got to bo third sclcc’mnn. People won dered how I did it ! but it was most ly because I wasn't ashamed to begin away down at the foot of Hie ladder an’ work up."—Illustrated Sunday Magazine. UNFORTUNATE SNEEZE, In Boston, as every one knows, file symphony concerts are viewed in the light of sacred ceremonials. In this connection the story is told of two little girls of a certain fam ily who returned from the music hall "in a slate of mind." One of Ilium carried an expression’of deep scorn; the other an air of great de ject ion. "Whr.t is the mutter, girls?" asked some member of the household. "Was the concert line?" "The concert was all right," re sponded Kleauor. "The trouble was with Mary. She disgraced herself.” " I Msgraeed liersel f!" "Yes, she sneezed in the middle of Ihe symphony." BLACK VELVET. They wore talking about mixed drinks. “There's nothing,” remarked out* who looked as if lie knew, “like black velvet.” “What’s that ?” asked the others. “Champagne mixed with beer. And would von believe it, though 1 have always desired to try it, I have found it absolutely impossible to mix the two drinks.” They asked him gently what he meant. “W hy, it's this way," he explained. “Whenever I buy a beer I haven’t the price of champagne; and when ever I buy champagne I haven't the priee of a beer !” THE WISE HEN. Emil lions, before the sailed for Hamburg to assume the director generalship of the I laiiiburg-Ameri can line, was asked by a reporter to tell what changes and improvements in the great company he proposed to make. “1 have nothing to say," said Air. Boas. “I desire to emulate the hen. The hen in one respect is wise. She doesn’t cackle much until she has laid her egg. lint some people an always bragging and cackling about what they are going to do before hand.” IN DOUBLE HARNESS. Jack- Slliitlt U.'ked llie to COllie to his homo this evening. Savs lie's going to celebrate his golden wed ding. Gladys—W hy, he's been married only three years. Jack—That's what 1 told him. lie said it seemed like 50.—Moggen dor for Blaetter. DETERMINED TO WORRY. “Whatever you do,’’ said the cheery citizen, “don't worry.” “That sort of advice is nonsense,” answered Mr. Sims Barker. “IIow can a man help worrying when he lives under conditions which render him liable at any time to be drawn as a juror iu an unwritten-law case.” LIFE SAVING A LA MODE. The Victim—Help! Help! I’m drowning. Would-Be Hero—Courage, mv brave man! Just wait until I get a rope, a measuring rod, a Carnegie application blank, two witnesses and a notary public.—Bohemian Maga zine. SHOESTRINGS VS. HEARTSTRINGS “1 stepped on my shoestrings,” she explained, as she righted herself. “That's better,” he commented, “than stepping on your heart strings.’’ "It is other people,” said 6he, “who step ou your heartstrings.” NOT DRESSED FOR OCCASION Niceties of English Etlnuette Exe.n plified by Incident in Sport ing Field. Richard Harding Mntis, one of Westchester county's new deputy sheriffs, came into White Plains with his kennel master the other ilay. says the New York Times. While awaiting his kennel master outside a dog biscuit shop. .Mr. Harding Mavis discussed sport. 'Sport is as good •here as it, is abroad.” lie said, “bill abroad they are more punctilious. Your Eng lishman must always ho correct. Hr has a wardrobe of smooth, sleek, dark clothes for town; a wardrobe! of knickers and thick woolens for Alpine winter sports; a wardrobe of flannels for (lie seashore, and so on, with other wardrobes for deer stalking, for fox hunting, for driv ing, even for smoking and drinking. “I remember once, in my early youth, I was shooting over a duke’s cover . A very grave nml elegant voting marquis was stationed near me. Suddenly the duke shouted tc the marquis: “'There goes a hare! Let hint have it!’ “But the marquis shook his head “‘I can’t, duke,’ lie said. I’m iu my pheasant costume.’ ” FIRST MUNICIPAL GOLF LINKS. Bournemouth was the first local authority in England to start mu nicipal golf links. The charge there is 25 cents a round. Last year tho receipts were Nottingham has also some tine municipal links, which are paying well. Sheffield has just Been considering a scheme for its own links, and the Brighton corporation has the formation of golf courses on its list of municipal undertakings. At Edinburgh a charge of four cents only is made, although the two links are among Hu1 finest in the country. Some of the Scottish burgs have made the pastime the most popular in their list bv affording cheap facilities for the game to he played. TWO GREAT ORATORS. As an orator IVinosthenes was head and shoulders above the lto man. The great Athenian stands in a class all by himself, if we are to believe the consensus of learned opinion. Cicero, it is said, prided himself on his faculty of extempor izing at need, but probably trusted little to it on great occasions; while with Demosthenes it was the rule never to speak without the most careful preparation. The speeches of both were spoken without manu script. They would never have made the reputation they did if they had been tied down to their notes.— New York American. THE FRIEND IN NEED. ■ 1 . 1~1 l III—■ 1 l I , ■ H . M '■ . M — J Small lioy (to old gentleman who Is afraid of wetting liis feet)—Carry you across for ten cents, sir. PRACTICAL APPLICATION. “All, kind friend,” said the moral ist, “it is deeds, not words, that count.” “0, 1 don’t know,” replied the woman. “Did you ever send a tele gram ?”—Stray Stories. HINT TO A TARDY LOVER. Papa (from the next room) — Ethel, aren’t you going to light tho gas in there? Ethel—Yes, papa; we were just speaking of-er-striking a match.— Stray Stories. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO. Cora—Have you seen my new photographs, dear? Every one says they look exactly like me. Dora—AY hat a shame! Can't you get another sitting? A PATIENT SUFFERER. Boy (to tramp)—Don’t you get awful tired of doin’ nothin’, mister? j Tramp—Terrible! But I never complains. Everybody has their troubles! Clearing Sale on cloaks I We now place on sale our entire stock of Ladies' Cloth Coats at Half Price. There remain the | largest showing we have offered so late for several years. The style is so sensible that no lady will I make a mistake by buying now instead of next | fall. $7 Coats now only $3.50 $9 Coats now only $4.50 $10.00 Coats now only $5 $12.50 Coats now $6.25 $15 Coats now only $7.50 $20.00 Coats now only $10 $25 Coats now only $12.50 All Misses’ and Children’s Gloaks—Half Price 75 Children's Coats in sizes from 2 to 14 years, marked from $1 to $12.50; every one a good sub stantial garment; all colors; all sizes; all go now at Half Price. j Ladies’ Fur and Plush Cloaks at 25% Discount 5 Fur Coats marked at $25 to $40, sizes 34, 36 and 38, now offered at One-Fourth Off $25 Coats now . . . $18.75 $30 Coats now . . $22.50 $40 Coats now . . . $30.00 Plush Coats in all lengths, all sizes from 32 to 44. $8.00 to 35.00, now One-Fourth Off. Do not fail to call and see these Coats. 25% Off the Following Lines Flannelette Wrappers All Ladies' Suits All Knit Headwear All Winter Shirt Waists All Blankets All Flannelettes All Comforters New Spring Goods Already In New Dress Goods, New Linens, New' Muslins, New Long Cloths, New' Wash Goods, New’ Embroideries, New' Laces, New' Suitings, and other new' lines coming in daily.g V. G. LYFORD~