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About The McCook tribune. (McCook, Neb.) 1886-1936 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 6, 1907)
s OUH PRESIDENTS The crap rxnuwpuuwv iTiiiMiimi i mTi inanfamir - AiHaBaRPwnHu ui i - Book Should Be Patented Mandy wha fo you gib dat baby a big piece of pohk to chaw on Don you all know de po chile choke on It Dinah don you see de string tied fo dat piece ob fat pohk De udder ends tied to de chiles toe Ef he chokes hell kick an ef he kicks hell jerk de pohk out Ah reckon you all don learn iae nothin bout brlngin up chillun INGRATITUDE Blow thou winter wind Thou are not so unkind As mans ingratitude Thy tooth is not so keen Because thou art not seen Although thy breath be rude Freeze freeze thou bitter sky That dost not bite so high As benefits forgot Thougli thou the waters warp Thy sting is not so sharp As friend remembered not Shakespeare Ready For the Next Customer My rubber said Nat Goodwin de scribing a Turkish bath that he once had in Mexico was a very strong man He laid me on a slab and knead ed me and punched me and banged me in a most emphatic way When it was over and I had got up he came up behind me before my sheet was ad justed and gave me three resounding slaps on the bare back with the palm of his enormous hand What in blazes are you doing I gasped staggering No offense sir said the man It was only to let the office know that I was ready for the next bather You see sir the bells out of order in this room Everybodys They Were Really Agreed Former Lieutenant Governor Wood ruff of New York tells of the efforts of a kindly disposed man in Albany to arbitrate between a man and his wife who were airing their troubles on the sidewalk one Saturday even ing Look hero my man exclaimed the Albany man at once intervening in the altercation this wont do you Enow What business is it of yours de manded the man angrily Its my business only so far as I may be of service in settling this dis pute and I should like very much to do that This aint no dispute No dispute came in astonished tones from the would be peacemaker Why you I tell you that it aint no dispute She thinks she aint goin to get my weeks wages and I know she aint That aint no dispute Lippincotts Willies Cross Eyed Bear Aunt Marion took her small nephew to church one Sunday and when Willie got home his mother asked him how he liked to attend church Well said Willie I liked it only they sang a funny song What was it About a cross eyed bear What You must be mistaken But Willie was sure he was right When Aunt Marlon appeared she was questioned and this was found to be the hymn A Consecrated Gross Id Bearl e jwSSij8e8r2 sie - Vhimiuihi - J ANDREW JACKSON The Beventh president of the United States was born in Union county N C In 17G7 At the age of thirteen he enlisted as a soldier In the war of the Revolution In the war of 1812 he commanded the American forces at the battle of New Orleans winning a decisive victory which made him n ropular hero Jackson was elected president In 1828 and re elected at the end of his first term He was a Democrat Jackson died at his home the famous Hermitage near Nashville Tenn in 1845 Jacksons first fame as a soldier was won by his defeat of the Creek Indians at Talladega in 1813 and at Emuckfau and Horseshoe Bend in 1814 Later he was in command against the Seminoles His sobriquet was Old Hickory He Had Left It A prominent railroad man hurried down the lobby of a Binghamton hotel and up to the desk He had just ten minutes in which to pay his bill and reach the station Suddenly it occurred to him that he had forgotten some thing Here boy he called to a negro bellboy run up to 48 and see if 1 left a box on the bureau And be quick about it will you The boy rushed up the stairs The ten minutes dwindled to seven and the railroad man paced the office At length the boy appeared empty hand ed Yas sub he panted breathlessly Yas suh yo left it suh Every bodys A Hungry Wolf A fed faced man was holding the at tention of a little group with some wonderful recitals The most exciting chase I ever had he said happened a few years ago in Russia One night when sleigh ing about ten miles from my destina tion I discovered to my intense hor ror that I was being followed by a pack of wolves I fired blindly into the pack killing one of the brutes and to my delight saw the others stop to devour it After doing this however they still came on I kept on repeat ing the dose with the same result and each occasion gave me an opportunity to whip up my horses Finally there was only one woif left yet on it came with its fierce eyes glaring in anticipa tion of a good hot supper Here the man who had been sitting in the corner burst forth into a fit of laughter Why man said he by your way of reckoning that last wolf must have had the rest of the pack inside him Ah said the red faced man with out a tremor now I remember it did wabble a bit Really Amazing An American tourist on the summit of Vesuvius was appalled at the gran deur of the sight Great snakes he exclaimed it re minds me of hades Gad how you Americans do travel replied his English friend who stood near by Ladies Home Journal An Opportune Telegram One time when I and some other lawyers were engaged in defending a prisoner charged with murder said an attorney Judge Shope was among those employed on the side of the pros ecution We made a vigorous effort to get our mans head away from the halter and our chances seemed fair enough until Shope addressed the jury ne didnt seem to make much of an impression at first They listened rath er indifferently but all at once a cir cumstance arose that turned things In his favor While he was speaking a messen ger boy entered the courtroom and handed him a telegram which still continuing his address to the jury he mechanically tore open Suddenly his eyes dilated and stared Intently on the words before him Then his voice fal tered and broke his breath came and went in short gasps his chest heaved and fell with deep emotion and turn ing his tearful eyes on the jury he said in sobbing tones Bxcuse me gentlemen I fear I cannot go on I have just received the news of the death of a dear friend one who has been of the most material benefit to me in my profession and whose demise leaves a gap that none can ever Jill Excuse me 1 begof you Iam utterly unmanned andbro ken down at this sad calamity Some members of the jury expressed their regret and urged him to continue his address and he did so The result was that he won the sympathy oi that riuultUB Tho Perplexed Minister A Baptist minister In Virginia was noted for quaint sayings He was the owner of a few yoke of oxen and at the loss of one of a favorite yoke a loss he could ill afford was well nigh In consolable His good wife endeavor ing to comfort him quoted The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away Yes Elizabeth I know but I cant see what the Lord wanted with an odd steer S B A N A senator from Kentucky was walk ing down Pennsylvania avenue Wash ington when a dapper young gentle man approached him and said Ah senator how de do I called on you this morning Did you et my card Yes said the senator b t what did you mean by writing E IV in the corner Oh thats the correct thing you know wheu you leave the card your self It means en personne left in person Next day it was the senator who met the young gentleman and accosted him with the question Did you get my card I called on you this morning or well I called by proxy Yes but I could not make out the meaning of S B A N in the corner Oh thats the correct thing when you dont leave the card yourself That means Sent by a nigger The Lord and the Barber One of Lord Salisburys pet anec dotes was of a barber whom he once patronized On passing the shop a few days later he observed a placard in tho window bearing this inscription Hair cut 3d With the same scissors as I cut Lord Salisburys hair Gd Canary Wrote an Editorial A story is told that there was in the office of the old New York Tribune only one compositor who could read Horace Greeleys writing Mr Gree ley the ablest of editors was likewise the poorest penman of them all One day some of the other men In the of fice in order to get a joke on the old compositor took a canary bird and dipping its feet and tail in writing ink allowed it to hop around on a piece of paper which was later hung where Mr Greeley was in the habit of leav ing the copy he wished the old com positor to set up The compositor looked at it put it up on his case and went to work as if there was nothing unusual about it Finally about halfway down the page he appeared to be stuck He readjusted his glasses and looked and looked at the copy and finally went with it to the desk of Mr Greeley Heres a word I cant make out said he Mr Greeley looked sharply at the copy a moment so the story goes and then said That word is con stitution go ahead A Matter of Gender I fear I cockroach too much upon your time madam politely remarked the Frenchman to his English hostess Hen croach monsieur she smiling ly corrected him He threw up his hands in despair Ah your English genders In a Pretty Bad Fix Several men belonging to different nationalities happened to meet The Englishman asked the Scotch man What would you be if you werent a Scotchman I guess Id be an Englishman an swered the Scotchman And what would you be if you werent an Englishman asked the Scotchman I suppose Id be a Scotchman po litely replied the Englishman What would you be if you werent a Spaniard demanded the Italian Oh I guess Id be an Italian an swered the Spaniard And so they went on making each other the same complimentary answer At last came the Irishmans turn What would you be if you werent an Irishman he was asked Oh Id be ashamed of myself he quickly answered Shortly after hearing this anecdote I visited an old man named John Gra ham Curious to know what answer he would make to rhe question I re lated the anecdote And now Mr Graham I asked the venerable Irish man what would you be if you werent an Irishman His answer was made in a jiffy without thought of making a joke of It Faix Id be In a purty bad fix A M G A Breaker Mistress Jane have you cemented the handle on to the water jug which you dropped yesterday Jane I start ed to mum but most unfortunately I dropped the cement bottle Punch Lame The railroad wants to dig a cut right through our suburb And do they offer no excse Oh they say divided outskirts will be more modish Washington Herald- HAS MADE GOOD time In the California metropolis causes his name to inspire terror in the hearts of all political pluuderers Mr Heney Is forty six years old but looks thirty six He was born in Lima N Y but has lived on the Pacific coast since he was a youngster of five He rounded out his public school FRANCIS J HENEI cation with a course at the University of California and study of the law at Hastings Law school In 1889 he was practicing at Tuc son It was about this time that an Incident occurred which illustrates the energetic attorneys courage and also explains why Boss Abe Ruef who has since been forced by Heney to confess his misdeeds once called the latter a murderer One day a woman entered Mr Heneys office and said she wanted to obtain a divorce from her husband My husband beats me she said He lashes me with a blacksnake whip I can get you a divorce for that said the young lawyer and he made out the papers Before she left the office the client remarked that her in self defense In 1901 Mr Heney was counsel for Judge Arthur Noyes of the United States court who was mixed up in a scandal then attracting attention and his argument for Noyes In the United States supreme court Avon the admira tion of Attorney General Knox to whom he was opposed When Mr Knox wa3 ready to proceed with the land fraud cases In Oregon he offered Mr Heney an appointment as assistant United States district attorney and put him in charge of the prosecution A NOVEL MONUMENT West Virginia Coal Column at the Jamestown Exposition One of the novel features of the Jamestown exposition is a monument ef coal which composes a part of the exhibit of the state of West Virginia It consists of nineteen seams placed BmajauMuttnnLemUAiMmi2rnuuuxjuh THE WEST VIRGINIA COAIi COLUMN geologically representative of the dif ferent strata which make West Vir ginia the second coal producing Btate In the Union The coal column is 139 feet high and 1G feet square at the base and 13 feet square at the top Four hundred tons of coal were used JnJJie construction of the column and its total weight is 700 tons BLIND MANS BUFF Francia J Heney tho Graftors Fo rjjin of This Favorito Sport of ChHd and His Record hood antj Yuth Francis J Heiiey the courageous Thla fflVorite snort of childhood and Jury and unfortunate client prosecuting attorney who has made 7 th 1S of French origin uuutu j uiju my was h miR cn Francisco Z rl hi antiquity having been introduced Into sent to the penitentiary for life w boon Hft i has ben IIft Brafters behIud Uie bars in the train of the Norman Wben the trials somohodv England was oer soraebodj cd thereby into national prominence onnnprors Its French name Colin picked the telegram that had up so tr ASrU8 Prosecution for the Uiat 0f brave MalHard wa8 a war onnortunelv Into the hands of opportunely come into tlie hands of ernment of tbe iand thieves In Oregon the able advocate It had been sent by i k nor uie momory of wll0se exploits i1 simply contained UC l l still HVCS in the CUrOXlIClCS Of tllO a waggish friend and the favorite expression of a character In one of Charles Reades novels the old soldier in The Cloister and the Hearth which Is Have courage friend the devil is dead feared by enemies of the public weal UJK fa1 0 J 1L 1 l 1 l uuu iuv ruuuru lie mi a niiiue biiiwu uiui In the year 999 Liege reckoned among its valiant chiefs one Jean Colin He acquired the name of Maillard from his chosen weapon being a mallet wlnrewlth in fight he used to crush his opponents In one of the feuds which were of perpetual recurrence in those times he encountered the Count de Louraln In a pitched battle and so runB the story In the first onset Colin Maillard lost both his eyes He or dered ills esquire to take him Into Uie thickest of the light and furiously brandishing ills mallet did such fearful execution that victory soon declared Itself for him When Robert of France heard of these feats at arms he lavished favor and honors upon Colin and so great was the fame of the exploit that it was commemorated in the pantomimic representations that formed part of the rude dramatic performances of the age By degrees the children learned to act it for themselves and it took the form of a familiar sport The blindfolded pursuer as with band aged eyes and extended hands he gropes for a victim to pounce upon seems in some degree to repeat the ac tion of Colin Maillard the tradition of which is also traceable in the name blind mans buff A REALISTIC ACT Amusing Story of Joseph Jefferson as Rip Van Vinkle While he was playing Rip Van Win kle at Chicago Joseph Jefferson once went to tbe theater very much exhaust ed by a long days fishing on the lake As the curtain rose on the third act It disclosed the white haired Rip still deep In his twenty years nap Five ten twenty minutes passed and he did not awaken The audience began to get impatient and the prompter uneasy The great actor doubtless knew what he was about but this was carrying the realistic business too far The fact was that all this time Jefferson was really sleeping the sleep of the just or rather of the fisherman who had sat eight hours In the sun Finally tho gallery became uproarious and one of the gods wanted to know if there was going to be nineteen years more of this snooze business At this point Jefferson began to snore This decided the prompter who opened a small trap beneath the stage Z ZT r r1 vn and began to prod Rip from below The fagged comedian fumbled in his man who tried to cret her a divorcp I i Heney replied that this would make no difference He went ahead and ob- tained the desired separation After ward the angered husband met Heney in front of the latters office made a rush at him and put his hand in his pistol pocket but Heney was ready first and the lawyers shot took fatal effect The jury decided that he acted i pocket for an imaginary railway ticket and muttered drowsily Going right through ductor At this entirely new reading the au dience was transfixed with amazement when all at once Jefferson sat up with a loud shriek evidently in agony The exasperated prompter had jabbed him with a pin Consciousness of the sit uation came to him and the play went on after that with a rush Getting an Opening A man had a story about a gun which he delivered himself of upon all occasions At a dinner party one even ing he writhed in his chair for over an hour waiting for a chance to intro duce his story but no opportunity presented itself Finally he slipped a coin inro the hand of a waiter and whispered When you leave the room agaiu slam the door The waiter slammed the door as di rected and the man sprang to his feet with the exclamation Whats that noise a gun Oh no resumed his host It was only the door Ah I see Well speaking of guns reminds me of a little story etc Liverpool Mercury Sun Moon and Tides The sun and moon conjointly affect the oceans in obedience to the fact in nature known as the law of the attrac tion of gravity It Is the nature of things that the sun and moon shall pull at the earths waters and no further explanation can be given When the sun and moon are pulling in line the tides are highest and when pulling against each other the lowest The moon is so much nearer the earth than the sun that it does most of the pull ing nptwithstanding its greatly infe rior dimensions Love Is King Love Is the great disciplinarian the supreme harmonizer the true peace maker It is the great balm for all that blights happiness or breeds discontent It is a sovereign panacea for malice revenge and all the brutal propensities As cruelty melts before kindness so the evil passions find their antidote In sweet charity and loving sympathy Success Magazine Easily Distinguished Clara There should be a law passed compelling men to wear some distinct dress to denote whether they are mar ried or not Maude Oh that isnt necessary Clara Why not Maude When a man is seen on the street In a last years hat and baggy trousers it is safe to bet that hes mar tied Chicago News No Way Out of It We are worried about Julia She got out of a sickbed to go to the matinee Howcould she She haa to go she had a ticket The best of every thing in his line at the most reasonable prices is flarshs motto He wants your trade and hopes by merit to keep it D Miiijli The Butcher Phone 12 aa M fiX SSScatwi i I P DAI I RJn I f J J LJrtLL HiUUUUK AGENT FOR THE CELEBRATED Fairbury Hanchett Windmill This is a warranted and guaran teed windmill nothing better in the market Write or call on Mr Ball before buying PHONE BLACK 307 iSWS Mike Walsh DEALEE IK POULTRY and EGGS Old Rubber Copper and Brass Highest Market Price Paid in Cash New location just across street in P Walsh building flcCook - Nebraska F B BUKGESS Iron Lead and Sewer Ptpe Brass Goods Pumps an Boiler Trimmings Estimates Furnished Free Base ment of the Postoffice Building McCOOK NEBRASKA LIvLAI U jrSSb jAsssy s - OV S - f W W V I Ksmsj A few doses of this remedy will in variably cure an ordinary attack of diarrhoea It can always be depended upon even in the more severe attacks of cramp colic and cholera morbus It is equally successful for summer diarrhoea and cholera infantum in children and is the means of savinjr thelives of many children each year WW reduced with water and sweetened it is pleasant to take tS T u t11111 should keep m By ifc hTm no- i RICE 2oC LARfcE SlZB BOO t 1 1 tl