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The Commoner.
VOLUME 3, NUMBER 28,
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Stickers.
I There's a proverb old as the ages,
We often hear expressed.
' "The crystalized wisdom of sages,
: Too seldom self-confessed.
Go study the world and what's in it
"And quickly 'twill dawn on you
That a sucker is born ev'ry minute,
And in some minutes, two.
No matter how thin the game is,
' It harvests golden store;
And often the thinner the same is
It gathers up still more.
- Just frame up a scheme, begin it,
-Cast out your hook from shore
For a sucker is born ev'ry minute,
And sometimes three or four.
r-"A schemer in politics mixes
And revels In big grafts;
Ho jollies ,us up and tricks usk
And robbing us softly laughs.
He knows just how he can win it
If properly he will strive
For a sucker is born ev'ry minute,
And sometimes four or five.
A looter is sure of his share If
h Ho follows the soft-soap plan,
And harvests a gain from a tariff
" "Protecting the working, man."
Just follow' It up and sure-, win it;
'TIs cutest of grafting tricks.
For a sticker Is born ev'ry minute,
And sometimes five or six.
Tls a ekrp that's never decreasing;
.'TIs sure, as the day of fate.
And th6se who fish without ceasing
:Are catching a string -that's great
Don't you bo a sucker, dear brother;
Don't, nibble before you look.
Back' up! And just let some other
Get fastened upon the hook.
being able to distill from cloves an oil
that will, when mixed with liquor, pre
vent it from- tainting the breath."
"And when," we asked, "do you ex
pect to accomplish all this?"
"I am under bond to havo these
things completed when the managers
of the g. o. p. allow the tariff to be
revised in the interests of the con
sumers." Since this conversation we Tiave
teen wondering whether the man was
non compls mentis, or only playing a
huge practical joke upon us.
having completed all regular details,
one of them remarked:
"Gentlemen, we have overlooked one
important matter."
Instantly the others Tesumed their
seats and looked Interested.
"Our schemes are all right as far
as they go," continued the speaker,
"but it strikes me that a very import
ant matter has been neglected. We
havo not arranged for the establish-1 south" tor him.
ment of a great daily newspaper 'in ' states the scheme
the interests of the people.'
Realizing that they had overlooked
an important matter the capitalists
again went into executive sssslon.
Distrustful.
The carpetbag official had spent sev
eral hours trying to convince the ben
evolently assimilated that they were
better off under the new order of
things.
"Please notice' said the official,
"that we are determined to do away
with tho old Spanish system of offi
cial corruption."
Whereupon the benevolently assim
ilated arose and asked as one man:
"Are we tp have a postal depart
ment system of honesty thrust upon
us?"
While waiting for the official to
frame a reply the people went on
about their business.
Followed Suit.
Cti may say," replied the public
oi3cJaf' when questioned concerning
corruption in his department, "that
you asked me about it and that I just
laughed."
Whereupon the people roared.
Senator Qraball.
S&rt do you think of . che senti
ment in favor of electing senators by
popular 'vote?" we asked of Senator
Graball;-i . :
"I have often found It necessary to
check this, sentiment in certain quar
ters," was tho senator's ambiguous
reply.
Opportunity.
"There never was an age in which
young men had better opportunities
than now," declared the great trust
magnate.
Naturally there were, somo who were
incredulous.
"There is the case of Millward Q.
Trustson," continued the magnate!'
"Ten years ago he began as messen
ger boy in the office of the Consoli
dated Steel company, and today he is
president He won the position by
dint of ability, and without any help
other than the favor of his uncle, who
was general manager; his father, who,
was chairman of the board of direc
tors; his grandfather, who was secre
tary; his wife's father, who was Owner
of a majority of the stock, ami. his
aunt's husband, who represented the
company's interests in the senate."
Ambiguous.
"I am going west," remarked the
prosperous' looking passenger in the
Pullman, "for tho purpose of looking
after my fences."
But wo had to leave the train be
fore ho told us whether ho was graz
ing cattle on tho public domain or
merely a congressman figuring on re
election. ,
'- Contemporaneous.
"Yea, sir," said tho man given to
experiments, "I am engaged in pro
moting two or three, things that will
be of incalculable benefit to tho hu
man race."
Knowing what was dxpected of us
wo askod for explanations.
"I am figuring out a way to graft
lemons on sugar beets and furnishing
an unlimited supply of ready-made
lemonade. I am also experimenting
with a view to grafting strawberries
on milkweeds and growing strawber
ries and cream. I havo hopes, too, of
A Mistaken Policy.
The shade of Nero sat disconsolate
ly upon the banks of the Styx.
"Why so sad?" queried the shade of
Alexander.
"I have been pondering over the
great mistake of my life," replied
Nero.
Naturally enough Alexander asked
for further particulars.
"It's this way," replied Nero. "T
tortured and annihilated the Chris
tians merely to gratify my cruel in
stincts, and made no efforts to dis
guise the fact And that was where
I made my mistake. Look at my
reputation in history."
"But what should you have done?"
asked Alexander.
v "I should have posed as a public
benefactor and claimed that I was
only engaged in the task of benevolent
assimilation."
Realizing that nothing ho could sav
would adequately assimtrfi TJom'n
grief, Alexander walked slowly away.
The Last riove.
The capitalists interested In a dozen
schemes for robbing the people met
in consultation .for tho purpose of de
vising ways and means whereby they
might combine and prosecute their
graft more successfully.
Just as they were about to adjourn,
Brain Leaks
A consecrated Christian never takes
a vacation from duty.
"Good of the party" seldom nteans
the good of the people.
Is it wrong to envy the man who
enjoys the love of the little folk?
One form of patience is reading a
continued story in a monthly maga
zine. Our idea of a really brave man is
one who will go without a collar on
a hot day.
The man who is always boasting of
his ancestry is storing up trouble for
bis posterity.
1 am taking a course in fizzlcal
training," said the soda fountain ap
prentice to his chum.
Did you ever see good molars in .the
mouth of a man who chews tobacco to
"preserve his teeth?"
The cheapest investment is malting
a child happy, and no other investment
yields greater returns.
Sdme people wait so long for some
body to give them a start that they
grow fast in their tracks.
The;;. worth of a library consists in
the .use you make of it, not in the
number of books it contains.
About the best cure for insomnia
"that can be found is the "fiction num
ber" of the- average magazine.
. Conceit is shown when another
shows that he thinks himself just as
smart as you know yourself to be.
The average congregation looks very
much, like a body of people who sit
through the. service because they have
to.
When a wise man stumbles he stops,
picks up his stumbling stone and uses
it in the stairway by which he climbs
upwards.
If we were going to employ a young
man we would not look for one who
has a beautiful curl to a cute little
mustache.
There is nothing quite so nice as a
dinner with one of those old-fashioned
housekeepers who "just loves to see
her company eat"
When we see a man who thinks he
is too good to take an interest in poli
tics we wonder whether he is ignor
ant or Pharisaical.
There are many people who give
away things they want to get rid of
and then feel proud because they have
exercised "charity.""
The man who would invest $10,000
in a business and then keep his store
open less than five hours a week
would bo considered a fit subject for
the lunatic asylum. How many
ccurcnes navo tnat much, and more,
invested and keep open longer than
that?
Q rubbing th Vte.
Is there no new political adventure
our strenuous president might under
take to insure him a unanimous elec
tion in 1904?
For a time he indulged In a spectac
ular exhibition of "trust busting"
without.Jiarmlng.a single trust ThH
was to make himself solid with th
common people.
Next he tried to build up a "in
white" republican party in tho south:
with the co-operation of Senator Mc
Laurin of South Carolina. This he
fondly imagined would cause the
white voters of tho south to flock to
bis standard and carrv t.hn con,i
In two or thrco
progressed sn fn
that republican conventions rnfucn,!
to recognize colored delegates.
- This stirred up the colored peoplo
of the north, who practically hold tho
balance of power in Ohio, Indiana, Il
linois, Pennsylvania and New York.
The loss" of these states would mean
ruin for Roosevelt even if he should
succeed in capturing some of tho
southern states with, his "lily white"
bait
So the strenuous president tried to
"square" himself with the colored vot
ers of the north by inviting Booker T.
Washington to lane dinner with him
at. the White house. This infuriated
tho "lily whiters," and to appease
them the colored people were insulted
by. the explanation that Booker T.
Washington did not dine with the
president, but that "luncheon" was
served to him at a separate table in
the White house annex, instead of the
great colored philosopher dining at
the table in (he White house dining
room.
Then came the Indianola, Miss.,
postoffice melee and the Crum colleo
torship for Charleston to offset the
insult to .the. negroes, so as to "square"
himself again with the sons of Ham,
only to stir race hatred to its veryj
depths.
After this came the trans-continental:
tour as a general all-around vote
catcher. At one place the president
talked tQ Swedes to catch the Scandi
navian vote. At another he talked to
a qolony of Russians to catch the Rus
sian vote. He rode races with the
cowboys to make sure - of the cowboy
vote. He talked to Indians to win the
Indian vote. He said, "Speak softly,
but carry a big s.tick" to capture the
"conservative" vote. He had declared
thftt Reed Smoot should not be elected
United States senator, sa as to make
himself solid with the anti-Mormon
vote. When lie got to U"tah he hob
nobbed with Smoot to line up the
Mormon. ,vote. A telegram from Wal
la Walla demanded the Ohio vote.
Jugt now he is playing for the Jew
vote by meddling in Russia's internal
affairs, and a dispatch from Rome to
an eastern paper only a few days ago
stated that the president was using
his political Influence to have Arch
bishop Ireland raised to the rank of
cardinal In the hope that it would
win for him the Catholic vote.
And while all these machinations
are in progress he is patching up a
truce with J. Pierpont Morgan so as
to cinch the Wall street vote.
Was there ever in the history of
America such an inglorious exhibition
of political jugglery? Was there ever
in the White house such a lightning
change prestidigitator and trimmer?
The trusts go on in their career of
plunder and not pne is "busted" un
less it happens to founder in its own
flood of water, and probing of official
rottenness is become a farce since in
exchange for the Ohio indorsement
Hanna's notice, "Hands off!" is heed
ed to protect the rascals not yet ex
posed whom Hanna has placed in the
public service.
No thought whatever of the inter
ests of the people, of the general wel
fare; no thought of anything except
how to get votes in 1904.
Such a vote-grubber deserves only
to bo buried under an avalanche of
votes as a rebuke for his chicanery and
double-dealing. May all this grub
bing for votes In 1904 result in a har
vest of defeat that will prove a whole
some precedent for all presidents here
afterColumbus (O.) Press.
'?-i-M&kitei.iti jai
jS!!"
