. i--t-v-ATlljr-,,',"wf?'" -yww'TwiMi w wm&i iiipywiepyffi The Commoner. VOLUME 3, NUMBER 28, &r -! i m. r i 1 f rzm li ii s - - v gf 0mmonor(at Stickers. I There's a proverb old as the ages, We often hear expressed. ' "The crystalized wisdom of sages, : Too seldom self-confessed. Go study the world and what's in it "And quickly 'twill dawn on you That a sucker is born ev'ry minute, And in some minutes, two. No matter how thin the game is, ' It harvests golden store; And often the thinner the same is It gathers up still more. - Just frame up a scheme, begin it, -Cast out your hook from shore For a sucker is born ev'ry minute, And sometimes three or four. r-"A schemer in politics mixes And revels In big grafts; Ho jollies ,us up and tricks usk And robbing us softly laughs. He knows just how he can win it If properly he will strive For a sucker is born ev'ry minute, And sometimes four or five. A looter is sure of his share If h Ho follows the soft-soap plan, And harvests a gain from a tariff " "Protecting the working, man." Just follow' It up and sure-, win it; 'TIs cutest of grafting tricks. For a sticker Is born ev'ry minute, And sometimes five or six. Tls a ekrp that's never decreasing; .'TIs sure, as the day of fate. And th6se who fish without ceasing :Are catching a string -that's great Don't you bo a sucker, dear brother; Don't, nibble before you look. Back' up! And just let some other Get fastened upon the hook. being able to distill from cloves an oil that will, when mixed with liquor, pre vent it from- tainting the breath." "And when," we asked, "do you ex pect to accomplish all this?" "I am under bond to havo these things completed when the managers of the g. o. p. allow the tariff to be revised in the interests of the con sumers." Since this conversation we Tiave teen wondering whether the man was non compls mentis, or only playing a huge practical joke upon us. having completed all regular details, one of them remarked: "Gentlemen, we have overlooked one important matter." Instantly the others Tesumed their seats and looked Interested. "Our schemes are all right as far as they go," continued the speaker, "but it strikes me that a very import ant matter has been neglected. We havo not arranged for the establish-1 south" tor him. ment of a great daily newspaper 'in ' states the scheme the interests of the people.' Realizing that they had overlooked an important matter the capitalists again went into executive sssslon. Distrustful. The carpetbag official had spent sev eral hours trying to convince the ben evolently assimilated that they were better off under the new order of things. "Please notice' said the official, "that we are determined to do away with tho old Spanish system of offi cial corruption." Whereupon the benevolently assim ilated arose and asked as one man: "Are we tp have a postal depart ment system of honesty thrust upon us?" While waiting for the official to frame a reply the people went on about their business. Followed Suit. Cti may say," replied the public oi3cJaf' when questioned concerning corruption in his department, "that you asked me about it and that I just laughed." Whereupon the people roared. Senator Qraball. S&rt do you think of . che senti ment in favor of electing senators by popular 'vote?" we asked of Senator Graball;-i . : "I have often found It necessary to check this, sentiment in certain quar ters," was tho senator's ambiguous reply. Opportunity. "There never was an age in which young men had better opportunities than now," declared the great trust magnate. Naturally there were, somo who were incredulous. "There is the case of Millward Q. Trustson," continued the magnate!' "Ten years ago he began as messen ger boy in the office of the Consoli dated Steel company, and today he is president He won the position by dint of ability, and without any help other than the favor of his uncle, who was general manager; his father, who, was chairman of the board of direc tors; his grandfather, who was secre tary; his wife's father, who was Owner of a majority of the stock, ami. his aunt's husband, who represented the company's interests in the senate." Ambiguous. "I am going west," remarked the prosperous' looking passenger in the Pullman, "for tho purpose of looking after my fences." But wo had to leave the train be fore ho told us whether ho was graz ing cattle on tho public domain or merely a congressman figuring on re election. , '- Contemporaneous. "Yea, sir," said tho man given to experiments, "I am engaged in pro moting two or three, things that will be of incalculable benefit to tho hu man race." Knowing what was dxpected of us wo askod for explanations. "I am figuring out a way to graft lemons on sugar beets and furnishing an unlimited supply of ready-made lemonade. I am also experimenting with a view to grafting strawberries on milkweeds and growing strawber ries and cream. I havo hopes, too, of A Mistaken Policy. The shade of Nero sat disconsolate ly upon the banks of the Styx. "Why so sad?" queried the shade of Alexander. "I have been pondering over the great mistake of my life," replied Nero. Naturally enough Alexander asked for further particulars. "It's this way," replied Nero. "T tortured and annihilated the Chris tians merely to gratify my cruel in stincts, and made no efforts to dis guise the fact And that was where I made my mistake. Look at my reputation in history." "But what should you have done?" asked Alexander. v "I should have posed as a public benefactor and claimed that I was only engaged in the task of benevolent assimilation." Realizing that nothing ho could sav would adequately assimtrfi TJom'n grief, Alexander walked slowly away. The Last riove. The capitalists interested In a dozen schemes for robbing the people met in consultation .for tho purpose of de vising ways and means whereby they might combine and prosecute their graft more successfully. Just as they were about to adjourn, Brain Leaks A consecrated Christian never takes a vacation from duty. "Good of the party" seldom nteans the good of the people. Is it wrong to envy the man who enjoys the love of the little folk? One form of patience is reading a continued story in a monthly maga zine. Our idea of a really brave man is one who will go without a collar on a hot day. The man who is always boasting of his ancestry is storing up trouble for bis posterity. 1 am taking a course in fizzlcal training," said the soda fountain ap prentice to his chum. Did you ever see good molars in .the mouth of a man who chews tobacco to "preserve his teeth?" The cheapest investment is malting a child happy, and no other investment yields greater returns. Sdme people wait so long for some body to give them a start that they grow fast in their tracks. The;;. worth of a library consists in the .use you make of it, not in the number of books it contains. About the best cure for insomnia "that can be found is the "fiction num ber" of the- average magazine. . Conceit is shown when another shows that he thinks himself just as smart as you know yourself to be. The average congregation looks very much, like a body of people who sit through the. service because they have to. When a wise man stumbles he stops, picks up his stumbling stone and uses it in the stairway by which he climbs upwards. If we were going to employ a young man we would not look for one who has a beautiful curl to a cute little mustache. There is nothing quite so nice as a dinner with one of those old-fashioned housekeepers who "just loves to see her company eat" When we see a man who thinks he is too good to take an interest in poli tics we wonder whether he is ignor ant or Pharisaical. There are many people who give away things they want to get rid of and then feel proud because they have exercised "charity."" The man who would invest $10,000 in a business and then keep his store open less than five hours a week would bo considered a fit subject for the lunatic asylum. How many ccurcnes navo tnat much, and more, invested and keep open longer than that? Q rubbing th Vte. Is there no new political adventure our strenuous president might under take to insure him a unanimous elec tion in 1904? For a time he indulged In a spectac ular exhibition of "trust busting" without.Jiarmlng.a single trust ThH was to make himself solid with th common people. Next he tried to build up a "in white" republican party in tho south: with the co-operation of Senator Mc Laurin of South Carolina. This he fondly imagined would cause the white voters of tho south to flock to bis standard and carrv t.hn con,i In two or thrco progressed sn fn that republican conventions rnfucn,! to recognize colored delegates. - This stirred up the colored peoplo of the north, who practically hold tho balance of power in Ohio, Indiana, Il linois, Pennsylvania and New York. The loss" of these states would mean ruin for Roosevelt even if he should succeed in capturing some of tho southern states with, his "lily white" bait So the strenuous president tried to "square" himself with the colored vot ers of the north by inviting Booker T. Washington to lane dinner with him at. the White house. This infuriated tho "lily whiters," and to appease them the colored people were insulted by. the explanation that Booker T. Washington did not dine with the president, but that "luncheon" was served to him at a separate table in the White house annex, instead of the great colored philosopher dining at the table in (he White house dining room. Then came the Indianola, Miss., postoffice melee and the Crum colleo torship for Charleston to offset the insult to .the. negroes, so as to "square" himself again with the sons of Ham, only to stir race hatred to its veryj depths. After this came the trans-continental: tour as a general all-around vote catcher. At one place the president talked tQ Swedes to catch the Scandi navian vote. At another he talked to a qolony of Russians to catch the Rus sian vote. He rode races with the cowboys to make sure - of the cowboy vote. He talked to Indians to win the Indian vote. He said, "Speak softly, but carry a big s.tick" to capture the "conservative" vote. He had declared thftt Reed Smoot should not be elected United States senator, sa as to make himself solid with the anti-Mormon vote. When lie got to U"tah he hob nobbed with Smoot to line up the Mormon. ,vote. A telegram from Wal la Walla demanded the Ohio vote. Jugt now he is playing for the Jew vote by meddling in Russia's internal affairs, and a dispatch from Rome to an eastern paper only a few days ago stated that the president was using his political Influence to have Arch bishop Ireland raised to the rank of cardinal In the hope that it would win for him the Catholic vote. And while all these machinations are in progress he is patching up a truce with J. Pierpont Morgan so as to cinch the Wall street vote. Was there ever in the history of America such an inglorious exhibition of political jugglery? Was there ever in the White house such a lightning change prestidigitator and trimmer? The trusts go on in their career of plunder and not pne is "busted" un less it happens to founder in its own flood of water, and probing of official rottenness is become a farce since in exchange for the Ohio indorsement Hanna's notice, "Hands off!" is heed ed to protect the rascals not yet ex posed whom Hanna has placed in the public service. No thought whatever of the inter ests of the people, of the general wel fare; no thought of anything except how to get votes in 1904. Such a vote-grubber deserves only to bo buried under an avalanche of votes as a rebuke for his chicanery and double-dealing. May all this grub bing for votes In 1904 result in a har vest of defeat that will prove a whole some precedent for all presidents here afterColumbus (O.) Press. '?-i-M&kitei.iti jai jS!!"