The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923, March 28, 1902, Page 6, Image 6
- -rrtrjwWjl 6 The Commoner Vol. 2, No. 10. 1, II m m c Whether Common or Not. M- 3 si 3 'wwwwww T'dorc's Soliloquy. To Bond, or not to sond that Is tho question. Whothor it Ih host to put off tho junket That I havo all framed up for Edward Seven, Or toll tho common scrubs to get them hence, Or by opposing end thorn abor nit But Will thoy do It, or do mo, and by their votes Confound mo? But Edward Itox; ho bids us como, And woar court dress that is a consummation Dovoutly to bo wishod. To bow, kow tow, In knickers, too: Aye, that's tho stuff; But in that royal splurge defeat may como Wlion wo lino up in nineteen hundred four, And call a halt. That's whore I fear Calamity may Bwat mo in tho neck; For who would stand tho snub of honest votes, Tho people's wrath that ho who has opprest Qots all my love and all of Hay's delays; Poor strenuous mo, I'm in a fix; I want to treat his Highness right, But fear mo folks will my quietus mako, With clouds of votes upon election day. I grunt and sweat beneath tho stren uous life, 1 nd have a fear I'll bo done up for fair. Ami BOut up Salt Crook from whose bourne No Anglomaniac returns Poor mo, I havo a host of other ills to bear, But this ono, Whitolaw, takes tho cake; I'm skcored I'm up a blawsted stump, And o'on my boasted hue of resolu tion Is sicklied o'er with tho pale cast of thought; And enterprises of great pith and moment, With this regard, their currents turn awry And make mo hesitate. or, that is, I mean did you notice the hoavenly sunset this afternoon, Miss Noy?"' Inconsistent. "I would I were a bird," she sarig In accents blithe and gay. And then got mad because a friend Said sho looked like a jay. Ifocli. "Hoch!" thundered tho multitude of pedestrians as tho carriage drove by. Tho occupant of tho carriage was about to stand and doff his hat when a follow traveler explained: "Sir, you are mistaken. Tho people are merely suffering from bad colds in cident to tho changeable weather of an American spring." Uncle Ponder. "I hov noticed," romarked Uncle Pondor, calling tho corner grocery club to order and pinching the tail off of a dried mackrol, "that there is con siderable discussion of this asset cur rency proposition. Now, I'vo been in vestigate this thing an' I'vo disklv ored that tho fellers at hov alius been skcored to death f'r fear Uncle Sam would issuo more greenbacks than he is able to tako keer of, is backin' up this asset currency scheme and never sweatin' a hair to make sure that the banks ain't a-goin' to issue more cer tificates than they can take keer of." With proper apologies to but Shakeapeave and Bacon can settle that between thomsolves. . t Specflc. "What Is your profession?" "I'm a doctor." "Yale, Harvard or horse?" One Chance Loft. An esteemed Washington contempo rary asks that Tho Commoner provide it with a blue print of tho jokes in this department. Thore's a better plan than that. Let the aforesaid esteemod contemporary try brains. Always Succeeds. Host "What's tho matter with our guests? They don't seem to be able to get started In conversation." Hostess "I guess I'll havo to ask Miss Screecher to sing. That always starts plenty of conversation." Almost Exposed. Miss Mattle Noy "I love to stand upon tho roar platform of a train and watch tho track spinning out behind us. The ties are so rogular thoy look like a pattern in a tiled floor, and" Mr. Hamlet Do Itante "But the ties are not placed with regularity; they ou uuuvuu mat one can not stop- Rupert Fritz's Loss. Now York, March 14. Rupert Fritz, a chef, who served tho luncheon at Shooter's island for the 2,000 people who witnessed the launching of Em peror William's yacht, Meteor, has as signed. Fritz says he borrowed a large amount of silverware from friends for use at tho luncheon. In tho rush for souvenirs nearly all tho silverware disappeared before Fritz and his as sistants were aware of the raid. Find ing it Impossible to mako good his losses, Fritz decided upon an assign ment. Associated Press Dispatch. They lunched on Shooter's island And met Prince Henry there; And then, as if with ono accord, Stole Fritz's silverware. Thoy walked about in proud array wnne bands played merry tunes, And then, while Fritz's head was turned, Swiped knives and forks and spoons. .Thoy "hoched" for Kaiser William And breathed the salty air And also filled their pockets With Fritz's silverware. Thoy felt so gay and happy To meet his royal nibs They fell on Fritz's borrowed stuff And lugged it off in dribs. While shouts of "Hoch, der Kaiser!" Arose from many a throat, Poor Fritz gazed on tho table Then "hocked" his overcoat. 'Twas out on Shooter's island They gave tho Prince tho lunch, Then fell on Fritz's silverwaro And swiped tho blooming bunch. In I900. "I regret more than I can tell Mr McSwillinger," said the beautiful Miss O'Shaughimore, "that I can not ue your wife. Truly I do regret to state " "Enough!" hissed Ernest Mont morency D'Courcoy McSwillinger. Enough! Your wireless telegraph towors aro crossed, Miss O'Shaughi more. I am not the British war office! " So Baying he grabbed his hat and hurried away Into the gathering darkness; Brain Leaks. Some men mistake pewity for piety. A sign of tho times: "Fashionable Spring Millinery." A true democrat's democracy is like Caesar's wife's virtue. Some men starve on hope when they might get fat on hustle. Somo people take off their religion with their Sunday clothes. Too many men mistake official com missions for licenses to steal. A man never begins to learn until he has forgotten most of what he only thought ho knew. There's something to be said on both sides of a question, and usually the most is said on the wrong side. What this country needs is fewer democrats for regularity's sake and more democrats for conscience sake. Some men would trade the richest painting that hangs in their homes for the print of a baby's hand upon their walls. The minister who does not hit some body in every sermon has missed his vocation, or is well acquainted with the contributing members. Demetrius the image-maker organ ized the first trust, and ever since his time trust magnates have been using his hypocritical style of argument. The administration insists that the money question is settled save only in some respects where the banks and money-changers have not got just what thoy want. Washington is rightly named "The City of Magnificent Distances." The congressmen are so far away from the people that some of them cannot see across the distance. By way of New York we -learn that tho only way to prove a right to a place in society is to show that one's ancestors traded glass beads to the Indians for beaver pelts and 'possum fur. The man who loves to be robbed has no use for a burglar alarm. That's why it Is Idle to reason with a man who cheerfully votes for a high tar iff tax upon what he buys and Imagines that he is getting rich by the process. Will M. Maupln. A Remarkable Endorsement of the Un equalled Qualities of the Cornish Piano The HON. HORACE N. ALLEN, United States Minister to Korea. Mr. Allen, who represents the United States at Seoul, Korea, purchased a Cornish piano in 1S94. After an ocean voyage of some 15,000 miles and usage for nearly eight years, subjected to tho extreme heat and dampness of the Korean climate, .writes as fol lows: Legation of the United States of America, Seoul, Korea. Sirs: I wish to inform you of tho satisfaction I have had from the Cornish piano you sent me in 1894. It was a wise selec tion for this climate. It has stood the severe rainy seasons most remarkably. For four years my two boys practiced two hours daily upon It and for two years it has had a pianola attached to it and has had to do steady service During all this time it has only been tuned once owing to the absence of piano tuners. A tuning would not hurt it now and yet It Is not partic ularly out of tune. This record seems to surprise everyone, and I consider it worthy of mentioning It to you. (Signed) HORACE N. ALLEN, U. S. Minister. Korea, which is a semi-independent kingdom in the far east, was the bone of contention in the China-Japanese war; it is nominally under the con trol of tho emperor of Japan, but Eng land and Russia havo important inter ests and maintain free trading ports; it is about 15,000 miles away from the United States and the climate is such that if a piano will stand seven years of its oxtremos of heat and dampness, it will stand anything.' I Will Cure You of Rheumatism . No pay until you know it.y After 2,000 experiments, I have learned how to cure Rheumatism. Not to turn bony joints into flesh again; . that is impossible. But I can cure tho disease always, at any state, and for ever. I ask for no money. Simply wrilo me a postal and I will send you an order on your nearest druggist for six bottljs of Dr. Shoop's Rheumatic Cure for every druggist keeps it. Use it for a month, and if it does what I claim pay your druggist $5.50 for it. If it doesn't I will pay him myself. I have no samples. Any medicine that can affect Rheumatism with but a few doses must be drugged to. the verge of danger. 1 use no such drugs. It is folly to take them. You must get the disease out of the blood. ' My remedy does that, even in the most difficult, obstinate cases. No matter how impossible this seems to , you, I know it and I take the risk. " I have cured tens of thousands of cases in this way, and my records show that. 39 out cf 40 who get those six bottle3; pay, and pay gladly. I have learned " that people in general are honest with a physician who cures them. Thnt. ??, all. I ask. If I fail I don't expect a' penny fro;n you. j Simply write me a postal card or letter. Let me send you an order for-' the medicine. Tafce it for a month; for it won't harm you anyway. If it -cures, pay $5.50. I leave that entirely to you. I will mail you a book that tells how I do It. Address Dr. Shooolv Box 515, Racine, Wis, . Mild cases, not chronic, are often cured by one or two bottles. At all' , druggists. Gratifying Cowardly Spite. t The howling Jingo who yells w'ith" a whole skin for the humiliation of the Boers has not a thought to spare for his countrymen in South Africa; who are kept there all these months' in order that he may gratify his- cow-; ardly spite. London Daily News. 1 The Right Way. The right way for the American Publishers' association to attack the paper trust is to begin with a demand for reduction of the high duties on. woolen clothing, tinplate, glassware and other articles of necessity. Phila delphia Record. A Healthy Infant. '., The country uses yearly 2,635,000 tons of sugar. Cuba sells us 700,000 tons; about 150,000 tons are made from home-grown beets. Yet the "infant beet industry," a brat whose bawl is in inverse ratio to its size and comeli ness, has so terrorized the republicans "J. congress that the speaker was obliged to beg for an adjournment of the conference last night in order to prevent a rejection of the president's plea for "a living chance" for Cuba New York World. TO CURE A COM) IN ONK DAY Tako Laxatlvo Bromo Quiuino Tubleta All druggists refund tho jnoney if it fa?la to euro E.W.Grove'B signature is on each boi, ?5o. $3.98 IIS sH0THniSAfflQ',AUT0KATIC SHE" ji. m fe! t0 ei0,00. 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