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The Commoner
Vol. 2, No. 10. 1,
II
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Whether Common or Not.
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T'dorc's Soliloquy.
To Bond, or not to sond that Is tho
question.
Whothor it Ih host to put off tho junket
That I havo all framed up for Edward
Seven,
Or toll tho common scrubs to get
them hence,
Or by opposing end thorn abor nit
But
Will thoy do It, or do mo, and by their
votes
Confound mo? But Edward Itox; ho
bids us como,
And woar court dress that is a consummation
Dovoutly to bo wishod. To bow, kow
tow, In knickers, too: Aye, that's tho
stuff;
But in that royal splurge defeat may
como
Wlion wo lino up in nineteen hundred
four,
And call a halt. That's whore I fear
Calamity may Bwat mo in tho neck;
For who would stand tho snub of
honest votes,
Tho people's wrath that ho who has
opprest
Qots all my love and all of Hay's delays;
Poor strenuous mo, I'm in a fix;
I want to treat his Highness right,
But fear mo folks will my quietus
mako,
With clouds of votes upon election
day.
I grunt and sweat beneath tho stren
uous life,
1 nd have a fear I'll bo done up for
fair.
Ami BOut up Salt Crook from whose
bourne
No Anglomaniac returns Poor mo,
I havo a host of other ills to bear,
But this ono, Whitolaw, takes tho
cake;
I'm skcored I'm up a blawsted stump,
And o'on my boasted hue of resolu
tion Is sicklied o'er with tho pale cast of
thought;
And enterprises of great pith and
moment,
With this regard, their currents turn
awry
And make mo hesitate.
or, that is, I mean did you notice the
hoavenly sunset this afternoon, Miss
Noy?"'
Inconsistent.
"I would I were a bird," she sarig
In accents blithe and gay.
And then got mad because a friend
Said sho looked like a jay.
Ifocli.
"Hoch!" thundered tho multitude of
pedestrians as tho carriage drove by.
Tho occupant of tho carriage was
about to stand and doff his hat when a
follow traveler explained:
"Sir, you are mistaken. Tho people
are merely suffering from bad colds in
cident to tho changeable weather of
an American spring."
Uncle Ponder.
"I hov noticed," romarked Uncle
Pondor, calling tho corner grocery
club to order and pinching the tail off
of a dried mackrol, "that there is con
siderable discussion of this asset cur
rency proposition. Now, I'vo been in
vestigate this thing an' I'vo disklv
ored that tho fellers at hov alius been
skcored to death f'r fear Uncle Sam
would issuo more greenbacks than he
is able to tako keer of, is backin' up
this asset currency scheme and never
sweatin' a hair to make sure that the
banks ain't a-goin' to issue more cer
tificates than they can take keer of."
With proper apologies to but
Shakeapeave and Bacon can settle that
between thomsolves. . t
Specflc.
"What Is your profession?"
"I'm a doctor."
"Yale, Harvard or horse?"
One Chance Loft.
An esteemed Washington contempo
rary asks that Tho Commoner provide
it with a blue print of tho jokes in this
department.
Thore's a better plan than that. Let
the aforesaid esteemod contemporary
try brains.
Always Succeeds.
Host "What's tho matter with our
guests? They don't seem to be able
to get started In conversation."
Hostess "I guess I'll havo to ask
Miss Screecher to sing. That always
starts plenty of conversation."
Almost Exposed.
Miss Mattle Noy "I love to stand
upon tho roar platform of a train and
watch tho track spinning out behind
us. The ties are so rogular thoy look
like a pattern in a tiled floor, and"
Mr. Hamlet Do Itante "But the ties
are not placed with regularity; they
ou uuuvuu mat one can not stop-
Rupert Fritz's Loss.
Now York, March 14. Rupert Fritz,
a chef, who served tho luncheon at
Shooter's island for the 2,000 people
who witnessed the launching of Em
peror William's yacht, Meteor, has as
signed. Fritz says he borrowed a large
amount of silverware from friends for
use at tho luncheon. In tho rush for
souvenirs nearly all tho silverware
disappeared before Fritz and his as
sistants were aware of the raid. Find
ing it Impossible to mako good his
losses, Fritz decided upon an assign
ment. Associated Press Dispatch.
They lunched on Shooter's island
And met Prince Henry there;
And then, as if with ono accord,
Stole Fritz's silverware.
Thoy walked about in proud array
wnne bands played merry tunes,
And then, while Fritz's head was
turned,
Swiped knives and forks and spoons.
.Thoy "hoched" for Kaiser William
And breathed the salty air
And also filled their pockets
With Fritz's silverware.
Thoy felt so gay and happy
To meet his royal nibs
They fell on Fritz's borrowed stuff
And lugged it off in dribs.
While shouts of "Hoch, der Kaiser!"
Arose from many a throat,
Poor Fritz gazed on tho table
Then "hocked" his overcoat.
'Twas out on Shooter's island
They gave tho Prince tho lunch,
Then fell on Fritz's silverwaro
And swiped tho blooming bunch.
In I900.
"I regret more than I can tell Mr
McSwillinger," said the beautiful Miss
O'Shaughimore, "that I can not ue
your wife. Truly I do regret to
state "
"Enough!" hissed Ernest Mont
morency D'Courcoy McSwillinger.
Enough! Your wireless telegraph
towors aro crossed, Miss O'Shaughi
more. I am not the British war office! "
So Baying he grabbed his hat and
hurried away Into the gathering darkness;
Brain Leaks.
Some men mistake pewity for piety.
A sign of tho times: "Fashionable
Spring Millinery."
A true democrat's democracy is like
Caesar's wife's virtue.
Some men starve on hope when they
might get fat on hustle.
Somo people take off their religion
with their Sunday clothes.
Too many men mistake official com
missions for licenses to steal.
A man never begins to learn until
he has forgotten most of what he only
thought ho knew.
There's something to be said on both
sides of a question, and usually the
most is said on the wrong side.
What this country needs is fewer
democrats for regularity's sake and
more democrats for conscience sake.
Some men would trade the richest
painting that hangs in their homes
for the print of a baby's hand upon
their walls.
The minister who does not hit some
body in every sermon has missed his
vocation, or is well acquainted with
the contributing members.
Demetrius the image-maker organ
ized the first trust, and ever since his
time trust magnates have been using
his hypocritical style of argument.
The administration insists that the
money question is settled save only in
some respects where the banks and
money-changers have not got just
what thoy want.
Washington is rightly named "The
City of Magnificent Distances." The
congressmen are so far away from the
people that some of them cannot see
across the distance.
By way of New York we -learn that
tho only way to prove a right to a
place in society is to show that one's
ancestors traded glass beads to the
Indians for beaver pelts and 'possum
fur.
The man who loves to be robbed has
no use for a burglar alarm. That's
why it Is Idle to reason with a man
who cheerfully votes for a high tar
iff tax upon what he buys and
Imagines that he is getting rich by the
process.
Will M. Maupln.
A Remarkable Endorsement of the Un
equalled Qualities of the Cornish Piano
The HON. HORACE N. ALLEN,
United States Minister to Korea.
Mr. Allen, who represents the United
States at Seoul, Korea, purchased a
Cornish piano in 1S94. After an ocean
voyage of some 15,000 miles and usage
for nearly eight years, subjected to
tho extreme heat and dampness of
the Korean climate, .writes as fol
lows:
Legation of the United States of
America, Seoul, Korea. Sirs: I wish
to inform you of tho satisfaction I
have had from the Cornish piano you
sent me in 1894. It was a wise selec
tion for this climate. It has stood the
severe rainy seasons most remarkably.
For four years my two boys practiced
two hours daily upon It and for two
years it has had a pianola attached to
it and has had to do steady service
During all this time it has only been
tuned once owing to the absence of
piano tuners. A tuning would not
hurt it now and yet It Is not partic
ularly out of tune. This record seems
to surprise everyone, and I consider it
worthy of mentioning It to you.
(Signed) HORACE N. ALLEN,
U. S. Minister.
Korea, which is a semi-independent
kingdom in the far east, was the bone
of contention in the China-Japanese
war; it is nominally under the con
trol of tho emperor of Japan, but Eng
land and Russia havo important inter
ests and maintain free trading ports;
it is about 15,000 miles away from the
United States and the climate is such
that if a piano will stand seven years
of its oxtremos of heat and dampness,
it will stand anything.'
I Will Cure You of
Rheumatism
.
No pay until you know it.y
After 2,000 experiments, I have
learned how to cure Rheumatism. Not
to turn bony joints into flesh again; .
that is impossible. But I can cure tho
disease always, at any state, and for
ever. I ask for no money. Simply wrilo
me a postal and I will send you an
order on your nearest druggist for six
bottljs of Dr. Shoop's Rheumatic Cure
for every druggist keeps it. Use it for
a month, and if it does what I claim
pay your druggist $5.50 for it. If it
doesn't I will pay him myself.
I have no samples. Any medicine
that can affect Rheumatism with but
a few doses must be drugged to. the
verge of danger. 1 use no such drugs.
It is folly to take them. You must get
the disease out of the blood. '
My remedy does that, even in the
most difficult, obstinate cases. No
matter how impossible this seems to ,
you, I know it and I take the risk. " I
have cured tens of thousands of cases
in this way, and my records show that.
39 out cf 40 who get those six bottle3;
pay, and pay gladly. I have learned "
that people in general are honest with
a physician who cures them. Thnt. ??,
all. I ask. If I fail I don't expect a'
penny fro;n you. j
Simply write me a postal card or
letter. Let me send you an order for-'
the medicine. Tafce it for a month;
for it won't harm you anyway. If it -cures,
pay $5.50. I leave that entirely
to you. I will mail you a book that
tells how I do It. Address Dr. Shooolv
Box 515, Racine, Wis, .
Mild cases, not chronic, are often
cured by one or two bottles. At all' ,
druggists.
Gratifying Cowardly Spite. t
The howling Jingo who yells w'ith"
a whole skin for the humiliation of
the Boers has not a thought to spare
for his countrymen in South Africa;
who are kept there all these months'
in order that he may gratify his- cow-;
ardly spite. London Daily News. 1
The Right Way.
The right way for the American
Publishers' association to attack the
paper trust is to begin with a demand
for reduction of the high duties on.
woolen clothing, tinplate, glassware
and other articles of necessity. Phila
delphia Record.
A Healthy Infant. '.,
The country uses yearly 2,635,000
tons of sugar. Cuba sells us 700,000
tons; about 150,000 tons are made from
home-grown beets. Yet the "infant
beet industry," a brat whose bawl is
in inverse ratio to its size and comeli
ness, has so terrorized the republicans
"J. congress that the speaker was
obliged to beg for an adjournment of
the conference last night in order to
prevent a rejection of the president's
plea for "a living chance" for Cuba
New York World.
TO CURE A COM) IN ONK DAY
Tako Laxatlvo Bromo Quiuino Tubleta All
druggists refund tho jnoney if it fa?la to euro
E.W.Grove'B signature is on each boi, ?5o.
$3.98 IIS sH0THniSAfflQ',AUT0KATIC SHE"
ji. m fe! t0 ei0,00.
SEND US $3.98 &wlBnHhi8ntoyou
npttl!emo.twon,lerIMwb
vivruriniui JQH
"t2-TrthiSSb&2S?si
iTnBhW:X"smxx&
IIBI r Balltk! a n
SIA.9Rorj
830.007 w?itr pnEow citKiS! ftt??8-00 t0
SEARS, ROEBUCK &' COKIkL.
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