With the World's
Great Humorists
Selections from the 'Writings of the "Best Kjnobun
Makers of Mirth.
Addison Spriggs in Love
By S. E. Kiser.
Within the breast of Addison
Spriggs was formed a great and glori
ous resolution. He had lived for 42
years in single blessedness, or what
lie had always supposed was single
blessedness. Now, however, it oc
curred to him that it had really been
single selfishness.
"What right have I,” he asked him
self, "to deny to the woman who was
intended for me the happiness she
was born to inherit? It is my duty
to find her out and give her the glad
ness for which she is waiting. 1 feel
within me stirring the spirit of love.
It is a sign that I should be up and
doing. Who knows that she may not
at any moment be pining for my
caress?"
For two weeks Miss Beatrice Bonner
bad been officiating as stenographer
for the firm in which Mr. Spriggs was
a silent partner. Thrice within a few
days she had looked up at him and
smiled in a way that had caused him
to experience certain thrills within
the region of the solar plexus. As he
reflected upon these occurrences it be
came clear to him that Miss Bonner
had been sent into the world to be
come his soul mate, and, gazing at her
where she sat reading "Beautiful Nell
the Millhand's Daughter," lie decided
to permit her to have immediate cog
nizance of the good fortune that was
about to befall her. Approaching her
and tenderly*-placing a hand upon one
of her shoulders, he said:
"Miss Bonner, I have decided to
call on you this evening. Will you
please tel! me where you live and
how I can get there?"
After she had finished the direc
tions he returned to his desk, leaving
her somewhat perplexed but hopeful.
At eight o'clock that evening Addison
Spriggs was ushered into the small
parlor maintained by the Bonner fam
ily, and little Launcelot Bonner in
formed him Beatrice would conte
in as soon as she could get all her
hair on. Mr. Spriggs was not inclined
to waste valuable time, and as soon as
the lady of his choice appeared he
“Come and Sit Beside Me.”
drew a long, deep sigh, at the same
time wondering what he had ever done
to deserve one so sweet and so beau
tiful as she who stood before him.
“Won't you take the rocking chair,
Mr. Spriggs?” Miss Bonner asked,
after she had persuaded little Launce
lot to leave them alone together.
“No,” he replied, “the settee looks
better. Come and sit beside me. 1
have something important to tell you.”
She sat down, and again he saw in
her soulful eyes the look that had
previously thrilled him. Cautiously he
slipped au arm around her waist and
gradually he drew her to him. For a
few minutes they sat in silence, and
she permitted her face to incline
toward him until her cheek rested
upon his shoulder. At last he pushed
her gently from him and said:
“Miss Bonner, I have come to bring
you glad tidings of great joy. Your
parents are not rich, are they?"
"No, I am sorry to say that my fa
ther has beeu rather unfortunate.
The firm he works for has never ap
preciated him.”
“1 judged by the furniture here that
you were in poor circumstances. Bea
trice, I wish to ask you some
thing. Has any man ever told you
that you were beautiful? Has any
man's lips ever been pressed to yours?
Has any other man ever caused your
heart to beat gladly? Have you ever
thought before to-night that you would
care to hear a man say he loved you?
Has any other man's arm ever been
around your waist? Have you eveF be
fore felt that you were ready to sur
render yourself to the care of one of
the opposite sex?”
"Before I answer your questions.”
she replied, "I wish to say something.
You have never before told a girl
that you loved her. You have never
before had your arm around the waist
of any girl. You have never had your
lips so close to the sweet mouth of a
beautiful girl that you might have
kissed her. whether she wished to be
kissed or not. You have never before
been ready to ask one of the opposite
sex to surrender herself to your care,
have you?"
“No, never before. But what has
caused you to think so?"
“You’re such a rank amateur at love
making.”
As he was dejectedly walking home
that night Addison Spriggs said to
himself:
“Confound it, I wonder if there is
left in the world a girl who is really
worthy of me?”
(Copyright, 1909, by W. G. Chapman.)
Irrigating Balloons
By William J. Lamptcn.
1 here are so many balloonatics
around these days,” said Artemus C.
Johnson, president of the Near-aero
ciub of Colorado, situated a mile and a
half from Pike’s peak or bust, '“that
you can t throw a brick without hitting
one—”
"A gold brick?” interrupted an eager
listener.
“They hit harder than the other
kind,” laughed Mr. Johnson without re
senting the interruption; “but what I
have on hand is no gold brick proposi
tion. On the contrary it is a sure
vfinner.”
“It isn’t an asylum fcr balloeyatioa,
is it?” some other eager listener in
quired.
Mr. Johnson laughed again. He was
proof against scurrrilous attack.
“We’ll get around to that later,” he
said. “But what I have now is of
more importance.-The balloon, as well
as the heavier-than-air ship, is bound
to become practical. Listen”— every
body was listening, but Mr. Johnson
had the habit, and couldn’t well begin
j %M€g^N
“We Are a Great Improvement Over
the Ordinary Rain System.”
to tell anything without the preface so
much in use these clays—“I’ve been
out through the arid lands of Wyoming
and I’ve got a plan perfected and a
company organized, the Aerial Irriga
tion Company, to revolutionize the
whole system of irrigation. Land out
there that ain't worth a dam. I mean
a dam to hold water, will under proper
irrigation be worth anywhere from $50
to $100 an acre. But how will they ir
rigate. with water too far to be
brought to it at an expense that will
justify? There is no way on earth
but by balloons—"
“They ain't on earth, are they?" put
in a third eager listener.
“That's the answer,” laughed Mr.
Johnson. “Transportation on earth is
too expensive, so we propose to take
to the air. We've got the company or
ganized and stock for sale. Our plan
Is to establish at Green River. Wyo.,
a thrifty little city on the river of the
same name, our central station. The
Green river is a beautiful stream of
clear water, and in evidence all sum
mer, which cannot be said of ail the
streams of the arid region. Now.
from our central station we propose
to send out huge balloons, dirigible
balloons, of course, going in every di
rection where water is needed. To
each of our balloons is attached a tank
with a wide-mouthed sprinkler below
it. That is the entire mechanism. We
will fill these tanks at Green River and
the balloons will sail away through
the blue empyrean distributing water
which shall fall as the gentle rain mak
ing the desert to blossom as the rose.
Do you get the idea? Natural irriga
tion by artificial means. Isn't it the
goods? We are a great improvement
over the ordinary rain system, be
cause whenever a farmer needs water
he can telephone the central station
and have a tank sent out anti sprinkled
on his place.
I have talked to several well
known promoters and some Wall
street men on the subject, and they are
a unit in assuring me that they have
never known a proposition so fraught
with wind and water to make stock
buoyant and active. Shares are sell
ing below par now, but they will begin
to go up as soon as the balloons do.”
Mr. .lohnsou took a long breath, and
several eager listeners took alon^ all
the irrigating literature Mr. Johnson
had to offer.
(Copyright. 1909, by W. G. Chapman.)
Uncle William’s Nature Story
By W. D. Nesbit.
The children Clustered about Uncle
William’s knees and demanded that he
tell them a really truly true animal
story before they should go to bed.
and Uncle William, being a kind
hearted old fellow, told them this:
I don't believe I have ever told you
about the three pets I had once upon
a time—the pet elephant and the pet
mosquito and the pet bumblebee. 1
had caught the bumblebee when it was
too young even to bumble at all, and
the mosquito I had taken in one chilly
evening and treated so kindly that it
would eat off my hand. The pet ele
phant was one that I got in Africa on
one of my hunting trips. While there
one afternoon 1 came upon an ele
phant's nest and in it was the little
elephant, the cunningest little baby
elephant you ever saw. So I took it
and brought it home with me. At first
it was so small that it trotted after
me like a pet dog. but it grew rapidly
and finally became a full grown ele
phant. and it would have done your
hearts good to have seen the way peo
ple would stare at me when I would
| stroll down street with my huge ele
phant pacing contentedly after me. or
could have heard the objections of
street car conductors when I would
insist upon taking the elephant aboard
with me. I called the elephant Bumpi
loo and the bumblebee Hum by loo and
the mosquito Bttzzyloo.
Hut. alas! they fell out. once and
that broke up the happy family. My
pets had grown so fond of each other
and I of them that I allowed the three
to sleep together. I had a comfortable
big bed made for them, and Bumpiloo
slept next the wall, Buzzyloo in the
middle and Butnbyloo on the outside.
Bumpiloo may have l>een growing
again, but one night Buzzyloo began
whining and complaining that he was
being crowded, and Bttmbyloo set up
the same complaint. Bumpiloo paid
no attention to them, being rather
petulant that evening, and from my
bed in the other room I listened with
amusement, thinking that soon their
little quarrel would end in peaceful
slumber. But evidently Bumpiloo was
obstinate; maybe he Intentionally took
up more than his share of the bed. At
any rate 1 heard Buzzyloo demanding
that he lay over and Butnbyloo saying
if he was crowded any more he would
show somebody what was what. Sud
denly I heard Buzzvloo and Humbyloo
scolding Bumpiloo angrily, and then
Humpiloo snorted with surprise and
pain, for Buzzvloo had bitten him, and
the next instant he snorted even loud
er, tor Bumbvloo had stung him. This
shows what happens if we let our
angry passions rise, children. I got
up and started in to quiet them, when
Humpiloo snorted again and jumped
up, with Buzzvloo and Bumbvloo after
him, and the next thing 1 knew Bumpi
loo had charged right through the wall
and was out, running down the big
road waving his trunk wildly to one
“They Sat Up Too Late One Evening."
side and his tail wildly to the other,
with Buzzyloo biting him and Bumby
loo stinging him at every step. I
pursued them as far as I could, but
eventually had to give up. Last sum
mer I saw an elephant in a circus and
he looked at me so sadly and r.eminls
cently that I am sure it was my little
pet, Bumpiloo, for an elephant’s mem-,
ory is long. But it had been many
years since he had been with me, and
of course I could not be sure. But, chil
dren the thing that caused this terrible
quarrel between Bumpiloo, Buzzyloo
and Bumbyloo was that they had sat up
too late one evening and were cross
and tired when they went to bed, so let
us not run any risks of that sort.
(Copyright. 1305, by W. G. Chapmatk)
WORLD’S CITIES HARD TO KILL
Few of the world's great cities have’
not faced, at one time or another, to
tal destruction. But a city is hard to
kill.
Take Rome, for instance. She has
been swept by pestilence no fewer
than ten times. She has been twice
burned and six times driven to submis
sion by starvation. Perhaps it is on
account of her great vitality that she
is called the Eternal city.
Paris has gone through eight sieges,
ten famines, two plagues ami one tire
which devastated it.
Constantinople has been burned out
nine times and has suffered front fou
plagues and five sieges, la a 'ditton
she has been ruled by monarchu win
were worse than a plague. Yet Con
stantinop'e still flourishes.
London has been decimated fivp
times by plagues, in addition to visit.t
tions cf tyi hus, cholera and other epi j
demies. She has been burned more i
less severely several limes.—Str:
Stories.
What He Wanted.
"Sir." said the agent, addressing ii
man who had t; pencil the d< or in a
swer to his knock. "I am introducit
.1 patent burglar alarm aad ihou;;i
perhaps you might be interested."
"Well, I’m not." growled the . :a:i t
the other side of the door "W.ta
wait! is it device tin wiil put btt. tiii
to sleep instead cf o.atmai.g ti.e.u "
The fuse is an elegant dress in dragon-fly blue cashmere. The long,
slightly trained skirt is trimmed near the foot by two deep tucks and a deep
hem, which give the appearance of an additional tuck. The bodice has two
wide folds on each shoulder; llie inner one Is trimmed at the edge by buttons,
the outer one rests slightly over the sleeve, which is composed, as far as the
elbow, of narrow material folds, piped with velvet; a strip of embroidered
galloou is sewn down the middle, finished by a silk ornament; the remainder
of the sleeve is of tucked material. Piece lace is used for the yoke, with r,
waistcoat of blue velvet below it; a bow of velvet is worn at the neck.
Material required; Eight yavds cashmere -18 inches wide, one yard velvet,
three-eighths yard galloon, two ornaments, one-half yard piece lace, lVfe dozen
buttons.
The second is an equally pretty style in oak-apple brown chiffon-faced
cloth. The long skirt has wrapped seams, which are trimmed with buttons
at the foot. One fold is made over the shoulder, resting slightly over the
sleeve; the openings are just stitched round and trimmed in parts by buttons;
the over sleeve is trimmed in the same way. Spotted net to match is used
for the under-slip; it is tucked across the front as far the bust, and all the
way down the back, also for the under-sleeves.
Materials required: Seven yards cloth 48 inches wide, two yards net, about
one gross of buttons.
THE CANDLE BACK IN FAVOR
Artistic Holders Employed for the II
luminants of a Past
Generation.
The woman whose aim is to reveal
a touch of the artist in her home just
at present is interested in the old
iashioned candlestick. It is a revival
as happy in its way as that of the re
turn to favor of Sheffield or pewter
ware. The candle held its own against
the oil lamp, but lost its popularity
when gas came in. and it was practi
cally outlawed when electricity came
into general use. Now, however, many
women of society are using candles ex
tensively. One society leader, in fact,
has gone to the extreme of having
electric fixtures removed from several
rooms, relying entirely upon candles
for lighting. These candles she dis
plays in antique candlesticks of beaten
brass. Tall Russian candlesticks now
are seen on many library tables and
tall silver colonial sticks are on many
dressing tables. New candlesticks are
shown in pottery and wrought iron,
but antiques are first in favor. The
prices of old brass candlesticks have
advanced greatly In the last few weeks
and few now are to be found in the
antique shops.
Smart Touch for a Handbag.
A New York woman recently discov
ered a use for a heavy sold link watch
chain (of the style long ago discarded)
belonging to her husband. She had a
small, gold-mounted handbag, with a
leather strap. The latter having be
come rusty from constant friction with
the hand, she removed the strap, riv
eted the gold chain on with gas pliers
and, behold! an added smart touch
without expense or recourse to a jew
eler. Since the passing of this style of
chain those who own ornaments of the
kind find them something of a prob
lem. The splendid workmanship often
makes the smelter's office seem a sac
rifice, and to convert them into brace
lets at a Jeweler's Is costly. Here tor
more than one of us is a really practi
cal suggestion requiring no outside as
sistance.
Variety in Sleeves.
Sleeves are fuller, especially from
the elbow to the wrist, and with the
lighter dresses a long three-quarter
sleeve is much In vogue, though the
long sleeve over the hand Is as much
seen ^s ever. The wise woman makes
it a question of individual judgment.
For Instance, a frou frouing muslin
garden party frock seems to always
look smarter with the shorter type of
sleeve, whereas nothing looks worse
than the sleeve of a tailor-made that
displays an expanse of bare arm.
EASILY MADE PINAFORE.
This is an easily made pinafore, suit
able to be copied in washing silk of
nainsook. The square band or yoke
at the neck is of embroidery; inser
tion might be used and sharply mitred
at the corners to bring it to shape;
the material is gathered to this and is
hemmed at the foot; a frill of material
edged with embroidery finishes the
armholes.
Materials required: One yard 36
inches wide, three-quarters yard inser
tion, three-quarters yard embroidery.
Brushing Hair Is Essential.
A woman who wears her hat con
stantly, as one mustt during days of
many social engagements, must brush
her hair carefully at night unless she
wishes it to be seriously affected.
Combing will not bring back the turn
of the hair near the scalp, to the angle
at which it should grow, but brushing
will overcome the difficulty. The brush
must be held to make the hair go up.
and when the latter is released there
will be a iluffiness and lightness not to
be secured otherwise.
The Huge All Black Hat.
Paris has gone stark mad over the
all-black hat. Of course, to be modish
too, the black hat must be huge. We
see these huge shapes in everything
—straw, criu, silk, coarse and fine
straw—and they reall.' are stunning.
No trimming must conceal the high
crown, and no matter how bare it ap
pears. that is only an illustration Of
grand chic."
HANDSOME FROCKS FOR BABY.
Designers of Talent Have Put Forth
Their Best Efforts for Little One’s
Adornment.
A little empire frock for the baby is
one of the season's new wrinkles. It
has the tiniest, shortest yoke, cut
square and outlined with a band of
beading run with blue ribbon.
The full little skirt is gathered to
the yoke and finished with a deep
hem. feather stitched. Above the hem
Is a band of Valenciennes insertion
with three tiny tucks above and be
low it.
The sleeves are merely little pufTs
gathered into beading run with rib
bon tied in a rakish bow and finished
with a lace frill. Tiny pearl buttons
fasten the frock at the back.
Another equally attractive little
frock is cut with a front and back
panel and sleeves in one piece. The
panels run from the neck to the hem
of frock and are outlined with fine
feather-stitching, and have scattered
tiny blossoms and French knots
worked in white mercerized embroid
ery thread over the entire surface.
The neck and sleeves are finished
with lace insertion and frills of edging
and the skirt is gathered at the sides.
A Color Study.
A young woman at the theater the
other night had bright red hair—not
the lovely auburn or famous Titian,
but just plain red, and blue eyes, says
the Boston Globe. She would have
been hopelessly mediocre had she
worn pink, or worse still, light blue.
Attired as she was in a long sweeping
gown of all black, witn not a speck of
color anywhere, she was transformed
into a striking beauty. Extremely long
black jet earrings lent a decorative
touch, and brought out unexpected red
gold lights in her hair.
When Stitching Tucks.
When stitching tucks or any seams
on sewing machine do not dip and tie
by hand, but hold the material so it
cannot feed and continue to sew about
four stitches. The result will be a
tight knot underneath that will not
come undoue.
i
Guaranteed under the Footlam
Infants r?tCHiLUKbN
ALCOHOL-3 PER CENT
AVegetable Preparation far As -
similating the Food and Regula
ting the Stomachs and Bowels of
Promotes Digestion,Cheerful
nessand Rest Contains neither
Opium,Morphine nor Mineral
Not Narcotic
Rtt,p, ,fOM Dri.MSllffitfS/t
Pumplu t *Sstd •
4lx Sa/tna -
JRocheUi Salts *
,4m tt Sttd •
f±pp*rmtn£, -
BiCnrUruzU$e<U\ •
H'orm Setd -
ClarSttd Suyar
Winlerynten Ffmor
A perfect Remedy forConstipa
tion. Sour Stomach.Diarrhoea
Worms .Convulsions .Feverish
ness and LOSS OF SLEEP
Fac Sim.te Signature of
ST
The Centaur Company,
NEW YORK
Exact Copy of Wrapper.
The Kind You Have
Always Bought
Thirty Years
TMC OCNTAURi OOHMNT, NSW TOM CJTT.
ONE THING THAT WAS CERTAIN
No Doubt in the Baggageman’s Mind
as to Contents of What Looked
Like Coffin.
In an emergency the manufacturer
of Limburger cheese was forced to
use strategy with a shipment. Ordi
narily his product went in special
cars, but In this instance no car was
available and the order must be filled.
Two hundred pounds of the fragrant
comestible was put in a rough, ob
long box, and taken to the railroad
baggageroom. Then the manufactur
er bought a ticket for himself and the
box, and entered the train. At the
first stop he went ahead to the bag
gage car to see that there was no
trouble. He stood by the box in a
disconsolate attitude and shaded his
eyes with his hand. The baggageman
was sympathetic. “A relative?” he
asked. “Yes," answered the manu
facturer. “it is my brother." “Well."
said the railroad man. philosophically,
“you have one consolation. He's dead,
all right.”—San Francisco Argonaut.
UNKIND FAKE.
The Shortsighted Lion—Well, I
never dreamed I should finish my days
behind the bars of a cage.
Is Tired of Praying.
A little girl in St. Louis the other
evening was going through the usual
form of prayer: “God bless mamma,
and papa and make me a good girl,”
and so on. when all at once she
semed to come to a decision. “Now
that is the last time I am going to
say that prayer.” she said, very grave
ly, looking at her mother. “You are
older than I am and it is your place
to ask for all those things and I don't
see any use in two people's asking
the same thing.” Since then she has
firmly refused to pray, insisting that
it is her mother’s place to ask God
for blessings.
Continual Doubt.
“How many children have you?”
said the tourist, affably.
“I dunno exactly.” answered the
tired-looking woman.
“You don’t know?"
“Not for certain. Willie’s gone
Oshin’, Tommy's breakin' in a colt.
Georgie’s borrowed his father's shot
gun to go hunting' an' Esmeralda Ann
is thinkin' of elopin'. 1 never know
how many I've got till supper time
comes, so's I can count 'em.”
HE PUZZLED THE BRITISHER j
Evidently Doorkeeper Had Never
Heard ol' the Lord That Ameri
can Minister Served.
Judge George F. Lawton of the Mid
dlesex probate court told me a story
the other day of an American minis
ter who was spending his sabbatical
'ear traveling abroad. Arriving in
London, he made every effort to get.
an intimate view of the two branches
of parliament in session. Of course
no stranger is allowed on the floor of
the house* of lords, but the minister
not knowing this, and with the usual
, amount of American push, tried to
make his way in. There is a rule,
however, that servants of the various
lords may be admitted to speak to
their ministers. Seeing the minister
walking boldly in, the doorkeeper
asked:
“What lord do you serve?”
“What lord?” repeated the aston
ished American, “the lord Jehovah"'
For a moment the doorkeeper hesi
tated and then admitted him. Turn
ing to an assistant standing near, he
said:
“He must mean one of those poor
Scotch lairds.”—Boston Record.
As the Boy Saw the Lesson.
Prof. Charles Zeublin of the X'niver
sity of Chicago was discussing at a
dinner the greatest paintings of the
world.
“The legends that are beautiful and
immortal," he said, “have in them
turths that we all, according to our
kind, take home. This is true ia
likeness of immortal works of art—
pictures, poems, songs. For different
people they have different messages.
For instance, in my native Pendleton
some of the mothers used to cut the
children’s hair. They did it with
shears and a bowl. The operation
was often painful, and the result was
never elegant.
“In Sunday school a Pendleton
teacher once told her pupils the trag
ic story of Samson and Deliah. Then
she turned to a little boy:
“ ‘What do you learn. Joe,' she said,
‘from the Samson story?’
“ ‘It don’t never pay,’ piped Joe. 'to
have a woman cut a feller’s hair.’ ”—
Cincinnati Enquirer.
.i
Men Can Care for Themselves.
A coal company in the Hocking val
ley, O.. employs both men and mules
One mule costs $200. and in point of
work equals six men. The company
has this order standing on its books.
“When the roof gets weak, take out
the mules.”—Vancouver Mining Ex
change.
Nothing is so wholesome, nothing
does so much for people's looks, as a
little interchange of the small coin
of benevolence.—Ruffini.
H
Appetite Calls
For food which promotes a prompt flow of the
Post
Toasties
digestive juices
in addition to
supplying nour
ishment.
Post
Toasties
is a most
delicious answer
to appetite.
It is, at the
same time, full of
the
food-goodness of
White Com, and
toasted to a crisp
delicious brown.
“The Taste Lingers.**
Popular pkg ioc; Large Family size 15c.
