1
With the World's
. Great Humori-rtf
Selections from the Writings of the "Best Kjnoton
Makers of Mirth.
I I u I I V . t . . . v
WrBUR D Nesbit.
TheF)leeceman
i-r r I? m
A Charming Old Gentleman
By W. J. LAMPTON.
He was a charming old gentleman,
full of anecdote and reminiscence, and
bo eager to talk that he was almost
garrulous. Less elderly persons are
sometimes so. , He had come to our
editorial sanctum sanctorum with a
letter from a friend and we had Intro
duced him there to a professor of
anthropology who bad, without provo
cation, treated him to a dissertation
"A Dissertation on Prehistoric Man."
on prehistoric man. When the pro
fessor bad departed the old gentleman
heaved a sigh of relief.
"trenistonc man," he said to us
cheerfully, "does not interest me at
all. What I like are living men, or, at
least, those who may, in comparison
with the professor's acquaintances, be
called modern. Now I quite well re'
Two Strangers
By FRED C.
And now we come to the case of the
two drummers. . These drummers
started to stroll up the street from
their hotel one Sunday evening, won
dering if it might be possible to find
entertainment in a lid-on town.
They hr.dn't strolled far from the
hotel until they found themselves in
front of a vaudeville house.
"Well, well," observed one of the
drummers, gleefully, "here's just what
we're looking for a good show. Some
how I'd got it into my head that there
weren't any shows running here on
Sunday, but I'm glad I was mistaken.
ThlB looks good to me."
The other drummer said a show
would just about hit him, too. They
bought seats about half way down.
The orchestra was playing a fuzzy
waltz tune when they got seated that
neither of them had heard before.
"They're handing us out some brand
new stuff, anyway," remarked drum
mer No. 1. "They don't Just play
'The Merry Widow' waltz, like they do
In New York. Wish I'd thought to get
a program when we came In, though,
to see what it Is they're giving us."
Then the curtain went up and a lot
of people came out and began to sing.
"Funny," observed drummer No, 2,
"but I can't understand a word they
say. Queer thing about songs. A fel
low can't catch the words."
By and by a comedian tripped in
and got off something. The audience
nearly hurt itself laughing.
But the drummers couldn't catch the
joke. And if there's anything that
makes a man sore it's to have a
crowd laughing at something he's
missed.
"We didn't get our seats far enough
to the front," complained one drum
mer, Irritably. ."I couldn't get what
that duck said at all."
"Naw," snapped his companion.
"The fact Is, I haven't caught a word
that's been said. Certainly is a rot
ten show."
"Suppose we sneak out," suggested
the other drummer. "I never tried to
"You Had Your Nerve with You."
sit through such a fierce show. The
jokes are so Involved you cap't even
spot an old one."
A moment later they filed out to the
box office.
"Tkat's a hot show, I doVt think,"
member meeting Adam for example.
It was shortly after he had given up
his country place at Eden and moved
to town.
We said there was some room yet
in the world for that type of man.
"Speaking of types," chirruped the
old gentleman, "reminds me of a rail
I made on President Roosevelt a few
days before he retired from office. I
told him I thought he was the typical
American. i
" 'Typical I may be, old chap,' he re
sponded In that manner which has so
endeared hhn to hit enemies, 'but I'm
not the kind of type that is easy to
set.' "
We remarked upon Mr. Roosevelt's
broad knowledge which Included even
printers' terms and added mildly that
he was strenuous.
"Speaking of the strenuous," the old
gentleman followed glibly, "reminds
me of what Julius Caesar said to me
on one occasion. It was in Rome and
he was looking out for No. 1 in his
usual vigorous manner. I asked him
why he had crossed the Rubicon.
" 'By Jove,' he said with a snap, 'I
crossed It because it was too far to go
around. See?'"
We ventured the suggestion that
Napoleon might have said the same of
the Alps.
"Speaking of Napoleon," the old
gentleman broke right in; "now there
was a man. I recall meeting him on
his return from Elba.
'"Hello, sire,' I said familiarly, for
I had known him as a boy in Corsica,
'you didn't like it on the snug little
isjle, did you?'
' " 'No, colonel,' he replied with that
perfect candor which characterized all
his utterances on important questions,
Attend a Show
KELLY.
observed one of the pair, sarcastically,
as he stuck his head through the win
dow at the ticket seller. "You had
your nerve with you to sell a fellow a
ticket for that."
"Don't you care for German opera?"
inquired the man with a grin.
Why Is a Plumber's Bill?
By J. W. FOLEY.
The plumber had a rush order for
9 a. m. at No. 3343 Elm street
There was a leak in the water supply
pipe to the kitchen sink.
"There is no hurry," he observed to
the helper, "for our time Is going on
just the same."
The helper checked his pace to ac
cord with the plumber's, for he was a
very young man and enthusiastic. '
"I wonder if I forgot that small
wrench," mused the plumber, as they
neared No. 3343.
"Let's look in the kit." suggested the
helper. "If It's not there, I'll hurry
right back and get it"
The plumber frowned. "How many
times have I told you to cut out that
word 'Hurry?'" he said crossly.
"I forgot," explained the helper in
an apologetic tone.
Eventually they reached the back
door of No. 3343 and the maid ad
mitted them. "The water's leaking
"What Do You Get for Plumbing?"
Asked the Maid Timidly.
all over my floor," she explained In
some anxiety. She bald "my" floor
because she was the maid and it was
hers for that week, anyway.
The plumber, apparently, was not
much Interested, for he filled hla plpo
and lighted a little fire in a kettle he
carried in his hHnd. Over the top of
the fire he placed a number of tongs
and pincers. Then he lighted his pipe
and leaned over the kitchen table,
where the sporting page had been used
as a table cover.
"Young Jenks'll put out 'Sliver' Jones
In two rounds," he observed to the
helper, while the maid put another
dish towel compress on the leaky
pipe.
"The leak's gntlng bigger," said the
maid.
"Of course It Is," agreed the plum
ber. "They always do."
'I didn't. There wasn't Elba room for
ne there and I left the Island.' In
somewhat sly fashion I smiled at his
wit.
" 'Oh, that's all right,' he laughed. 1
didn't have to leave it It wasn't so
big that I couldn't have brought it
away with me, but I had no furtbef
use for it.' "
Wo said that Bonaparte was politic.
"Speaking of politics," the old gen
tleman garruled on, "reminds me of a
question I once asked George Wash
ington. He had served his two terms
as president and had retired to .Mount
Vernon, where I dined with him one
Sunday.
" 'General, I said to him as we sat
on the broad verandah overlooking
the Potomac drinking mint Juleps that
were pure nectar, 'did you really chop
down the cherry tree?'
" 'Don't aek me, my dear fellow,'
he begged. 'Once I might have been
unable to tell a He, but I've been in
politics a whole lot 6inee that time. "
We Intimated that Washington was
a careful man.
"Speaking of careful men," the old
gentleman came up promptly, "re
minds me of an experience I had not
long since with Mark Twain. He was
smoking one of my 25-cent cigars at
the time. I tnado a remark for the
express purpose of drawing a flaBh of
his brilliant humor. He did not re
spond in words, but winked slyly.
" '1 catch on,' he said nodding and
rubbing his hands, 'but I won't say
what you want me to. I'll write It and
got my established rate for it.' "
We intimated firmly but gently that
Mr. Clemens was becoming quite
thrifty with age.
,' "Speaking of age," chattered the old
gentleman, "reminds me of a story
Chauncey Depew told me the other "
(Copyright, 1909, by W. G. Chapman.)
"German? Huh? Say, is that It?
And that orchestra piece
was a waltz was a valse?" .
I thought
i
"I'm glad to know I was sober all
that time, anyway," spoke up the oth
er drummer with a sigh of relief.
"The only German word I ever did
know is 'gesundheit,' and I don't know
what that one means."
(Copyright, 1909, by W. Q. Chapman.)
When he had finished with the sport
ing page he opened the kit.
"It ain't here," he observed.
"What?" said the helper.
"The small wrench," said -the
plumber.
"We've got an adjustable wrench in
the cellar that will fit any pipe," said
the maid gladly. The plumber checked
her with a dark frown. "I can't put
none but my own tools on the job," he
said sternly. "Go back to the shop
and bring the little wrench, Jimmy."
The helper started on the run for
the door.
"Jimmy!"
The plumber's tone was ominous.
Jimmy reduced his speed to plumber's
rates.
The plumber blew up his fire and
found a pink sheet in the coal scuttle.
He moved a chair over by the stove
and read placidly. The drip of water
did not disturb him for he was used
to it.
"What do you get for plumbing?"
said the maid timidly.
"Seventy cents an hour," responded
the plumber gruffly.
"And for waiting?" suggested the
iald.
The plumber scowled. "I ain't wait
Ing here because I want to," he mut
tered. "I'm waiting because I have to,
The kid forgot some of my tools." 4
The kitchen clock ticked off the
minutes at a little over a cent apiece,
The maid wrung out another dish
towel with which to poultice the leak.
The plumber yawned and dropped
the pink sheet. Then he knocked out
his pipe on the floor.
"Would you like to look at the
leak?" Inquired the maid.
"Naw," said the plumber. "I've seen
more'n a million leaks. I've stopped
more n a million of 'em. too."
"AbRent treatment?" suggested the
maid, who was a pert thing. 1
Jimmy returned with the wrench
at 11:45. The plumber took it leisure
ly, gave the pipe a twist, dabbed on
some solder and sizzled it with a hot
iron.
Then he spilled some bits of hot
solder on the floor and stepped on
them for tho maid's benefit.
jrmmy gathered up the parapher
nalia and they started back for the
shop.
When the bill went In It read:
' 5 hours' services, plumber.. $3.50
5 hours' services, helper... 1.23
Solder 05
Total...- $4.80
"You're a lucky kl ;, Jimmy," said the
plumber cn the wa back to the shop
"There nln't many kids got the chance
you have to be a plumber."
(Copyright, VM, by W. O. Chapman
THE first sketch shows a smart costume in navy blue race qotn. The skin
has a wrapped seam down each side of front; it is trimmed at the lower
part by straps of material with pointed ends, below t wo tucks are made, and
. , I A a, - .1 A . fPV - . I ,1.. I. tit n .1 W n ,1
a I me Oiner pun mere ure Hirer iui-kb. i uc vuni in wKiii-iuu.ift, mm uno mi
away fronts; it is trimmed with braid and buttons; the edge is braided, so
also is the waistcoat. Velvet is used for the collar. Hat of straw, trimmed
with ribbon.
Material required: eight yards cloth
one-fourth yard velvet, one dozen yards
The second would be very handsome
cloth; the skirt Is quite plain, and Is cut at the foot so that It hangs In graceful
folds. The coat has a waistcoat of embroidered lace, also a panel of it dowc
center of back and each side of front; the back fits tightly and the fronts are
semi-fitting; buttons and cords are sewn on cither side of waistcoat, also on
panel at back. The long, tight-fitting sleeves are trimmed with strips of lace
at the wrist Hat of coarse straw
feather.
Material required: Eight yards
broidered lace, V,i yard braid, one dozen
SUITABLE IN MANY SHADES
Graceful Gown of Cashmere That
Would Be Appropriate In AU
most All Season's Colors.
Alligator-gray la the color chosen
for this graceful gown, but It would
look well in many of the beautiful
shades there are to be bad this sea
son. The plastron down center of
front and back is trimmed each side
with satin covered buttons to match,
the other part of skirt is plain, and
rests slightly on the ground all round.
Two folds are arranged on each shoul
der, and brought slightly toward the
plastron, both front and back. The
revera are trimmed with braid, and
edged with ball fringe, the sleeve is
trimmed to match. Tucked silk forms
the yoke, and plain silk slightly
tucked Is used for the deep cuff edged
with frilling.
Hat of stretched satin trimmed
with roses and ribbon.
Materials required: Eight yards
cashmere 48 Inches wide, four dozen
buttons, three yards ball fringe, one
half dozen yards braid, two yards silk,
1 yards satin.
Parle Adopts Tailored Hats.
The chapeau taileur is having an
astonishing vogue in Paris. So great
is tho demand for this particular kind
of hendgear that the leading Paris de
signers and even those whose spe
clalty until now has been the elaborate
hat exclusively do not disdain to de
vote some of their attention to it.
Vogue.
The New Sailor.
The new sailor has a low, broad
crown, with a wide brim a little wider
at one Bide than the other, the sides
J curling up very slightly.
46 inches wide, three dozen buttons,
braid, four yards coat lining.
made up In oak-apple brown chiffo
to match, trimmed with roses and a
cloth 28 inthes wide, 3V& yards of em
buttons, 5i yards lining for coat.
THE IDEAL IN BABY BASKET.
Of
Wicker. Lined with Mercerized
Satine and Covered with
Paris Muslin.
A fascinating baby basket just made
for a young mother was of wicker,
shallow and oblongi It was lined with
mercerized 6atlne, pink, of high luster,
and covered with Paris muslin, which
Is aa dainty looking as organdie and
much more durable.
The pink lining was put In plain, but
the muslin was gathered slightly at
top and bottom of the sides, the bot
torn being plain. Double Btrips of
Inch-wide Valenciennes Insertion were
arranged across the bottom to form a
diamond.
Along each side were pockets of the
muslin gathered at the top on an
elastic and edged with narrow lace
The fronts of the pockets as well as of
the long pin cushion across one end
and the equally long, stiffened cover
with leaves of flannel underneath to
hold safety pins at the other end were
also stripped with Insertion In dia
mond effect.
Where each pocket and cushion
joined the basket the sewing was con
cealed under fluffy rosettes of pink
baby ribbon. j
The ruffle that fell over the sides
was made of straight strips of the
Paris muslin, with an inch-wide hem
at the bottom, and above it eighth ot
an Inch tucks a half Inch apart, with
baby ribbon sewed hetween each tuck.
The ribbon was put on plain, though It
would have been equally pretty if a
width wider ribbon was used and
gathered at the upper edge.
Oriental Silks.
Oriental silks have a way of coming
in -on the market and meeting w
ith
popular favor because of their genu!
ne
oddity among fabrics. They are
al
ways sought by persons who look
for
the exclusive patterns and this
is
possible among oriental silks where
two patterns may be alike, but of dif
ferent colors. The trimmings for such
are plain silks, soutnche and crochet
buttons. One of the dashing dresses
constructed of this material was a
brick red, with clouded effect. It was
trimmed with black-red grosgraln
silk and tn edging of black soutache
in sawtooth fashion for bands. The
dress was u very good example of
whet can be produced with a foreign
Eilk.
Lingerie Bag.
A pretty summer fashion is the
lingerie Dorothy bag. Painty little
bags of open-work embroidery of the
broderle Ar.glatse order, with linings
tn delicate shades of pink, primrose,
blue, green or mauve- and ribbon
handles to match, will be carried.
The color chosen for the lining will
be repeated in the draped celnturo
round th waist, the ribbon on the
lingerie- hat and the bows of the sun
thadc.
It Is a quaint and pretty fashion,
the lingerie bag, and during the hot
part of the year the familiar leather
bandbag will take a back place.
A
The rieeoemnn that owns all our
street
From our schoolhouse to Perkins'
store
An' watches ever'one lie will meet
I'm nut afraid of lilin no more!
An" he's an bin! the riceeeman la
Uf a big aa O'lln, un' lie's not
A area"; big t-luh that lie could whlS
Hlght on your head as like as not.
W'y yesterday I runned away
Or wanted to until I crossed
Thut street where all tho railroads
"lay.
An' II rut thing that I know I'm lost!
An' ao I cried, but Just bulu-ausa
I'm sorry for my i.iumnia then
She's feel an bad If Bantu Claus
Ion't find me when lie comes again.
An' Jurt right while I'm rryln' there,
W'y that big Pleecemun come, ho
did.
An' laugh an' say that ha declare
If here ain't Mister Wilton's kid!
An' I was scared! But he took hold
My hand on' said I was the beat!
An' then he walked on. an' he told
Some stories, till we found our
street.
The Flrereman he has eyes that
squlnrh
All up In wrinkles when he grins,
An' he Just pat my head an' pinch
My cheeks An' lie's got two-threo
chins!
An' you can't 'maglne, but It's true,
'Fore long I wasn't 'frald, an' then
I notice him until I knew
That Pleecemans Is the same aa
men!
So when my mamma see me, w'y
She hug me up as close an' tight,
An' that big Pleeceman say: "Good
by. I've kids at home, mum; It's all
right."
So now I'm not afraid to walk
Up to him like I was before
An' say "Ilow'do," an' almost talk!
I'm not afraid of him no more.
Answer to the Anxious.
Amos K: You are wrong in think
ing that because the beans came up
on the stems you had planted them
upside down. A bean knows its busi
ness. Once planted it starts Its roots
and then comes to the surface to see
what growing facilities are provided
above. Quit pushing the beans back
Into the ground.
You ask what to do with your
wife's rubber plant, which has been
broken in moving to tho new house.
We would suggest that you take it
to an auto tire shop and have It vul
canized at the fracture.
Pie plant is still raised in the old
way. We had not beard that Mr. Bur
bank bad crossed it with the straw
berry and evolved a shortcake plant.
Yes, maple trees can be raised from
the seed. Plant one In a hill thirty
feet apart You should have a fine
shade In a century.
Certainly, set your egg plants beside
'.he hen coop If you wish. .4
xin-
Divorce Statistics. '"..
"You have done a good day's work,"
says the chief as the census enumer
ator comes In with an arm load of
blanks and other things. "With a few
more such men as you we could get
the divorce statistics compiled inside
of a month."
"Maybe so," replied the enumera
tor, wearily,- "hut you'll have to have
about ten thousand more, if that's
what you mean by a few."
"How's that?"
"All these documents are cn one
case."
"One?"
' "Yes. They represent Information
I got from Miss Amazalla Fllpflasb,1
the well-known soubrette, as to her
matrimonial ventures. And here," he
produced a largo bundle of photo
graphs, "here are GO pictures of her
in costume that she gave me, think
ing we were to illustrate our report"
The Result.
"If a man lays brick for three days,"
says tho teacher, "at $2 a day, and
another man carries mortar to him at
$1.35 a day during that time, what do
they make?"
"They make the union send a
walking delegate to strike the job,"
answers the little boy whose papa
has had some experience along those
lines.
The Present Stage.
The water wagon rolls along
With lust a mun or two beside it,
The water wagon now Is full
And so aro those who used to ride it
