1 With the World's . Great Humori-rtf Selections from the Writings of the "Best Kjnoton Makers of Mirth. I I u I I V . t . . . v WrBUR D Nesbit. TheF)leeceman i-r r I? m A Charming Old Gentleman By W. J. LAMPTON. He was a charming old gentleman, full of anecdote and reminiscence, and bo eager to talk that he was almost garrulous. Less elderly persons are sometimes so. , He had come to our editorial sanctum sanctorum with a letter from a friend and we had Intro duced him there to a professor of anthropology who bad, without provo cation, treated him to a dissertation "A Dissertation on Prehistoric Man." on prehistoric man. When the pro fessor bad departed the old gentleman heaved a sigh of relief. "trenistonc man," he said to us cheerfully, "does not interest me at all. What I like are living men, or, at least, those who may, in comparison with the professor's acquaintances, be called modern. Now I quite well re' Two Strangers By FRED C. And now we come to the case of the two drummers. . These drummers started to stroll up the street from their hotel one Sunday evening, won dering if it might be possible to find entertainment in a lid-on town. They hr.dn't strolled far from the hotel until they found themselves in front of a vaudeville house. "Well, well," observed one of the drummers, gleefully, "here's just what we're looking for a good show. Some how I'd got it into my head that there weren't any shows running here on Sunday, but I'm glad I was mistaken. ThlB looks good to me." The other drummer said a show would just about hit him, too. They bought seats about half way down. The orchestra was playing a fuzzy waltz tune when they got seated that neither of them had heard before. "They're handing us out some brand new stuff, anyway," remarked drum mer No. 1. "They don't Just play 'The Merry Widow' waltz, like they do In New York. Wish I'd thought to get a program when we came In, though, to see what it Is they're giving us." Then the curtain went up and a lot of people came out and began to sing. "Funny," observed drummer No, 2, "but I can't understand a word they say. Queer thing about songs. A fel low can't catch the words." By and by a comedian tripped in and got off something. The audience nearly hurt itself laughing. But the drummers couldn't catch the joke. And if there's anything that makes a man sore it's to have a crowd laughing at something he's missed. "We didn't get our seats far enough to the front," complained one drum mer, Irritably. ."I couldn't get what that duck said at all." "Naw," snapped his companion. "The fact Is, I haven't caught a word that's been said. Certainly is a rot ten show." "Suppose we sneak out," suggested the other drummer. "I never tried to "You Had Your Nerve with You." sit through such a fierce show. The jokes are so Involved you cap't even spot an old one." A moment later they filed out to the box office. "Tkat's a hot show, I doVt think," member meeting Adam for example. It was shortly after he had given up his country place at Eden and moved to town. We said there was some room yet in the world for that type of man. "Speaking of types," chirruped the old gentleman, "reminds me of a rail I made on President Roosevelt a few days before he retired from office. I told him I thought he was the typical American. i " 'Typical I may be, old chap,' he re sponded In that manner which has so endeared hhn to hit enemies, 'but I'm not the kind of type that is easy to set.' " We remarked upon Mr. Roosevelt's broad knowledge which Included even printers' terms and added mildly that he was strenuous. "Speaking of the strenuous," the old gentleman followed glibly, "reminds me of what Julius Caesar said to me on one occasion. It was in Rome and he was looking out for No. 1 in his usual vigorous manner. I asked him why he had crossed the Rubicon. " 'By Jove,' he said with a snap, 'I crossed It because it was too far to go around. See?'" We ventured the suggestion that Napoleon might have said the same of the Alps. "Speaking of Napoleon," the old gentleman broke right in; "now there was a man. I recall meeting him on his return from Elba. '"Hello, sire,' I said familiarly, for I had known him as a boy in Corsica, 'you didn't like it on the snug little isjle, did you?' ' " 'No, colonel,' he replied with that perfect candor which characterized all his utterances on important questions, Attend a Show KELLY. observed one of the pair, sarcastically, as he stuck his head through the win dow at the ticket seller. "You had your nerve with you to sell a fellow a ticket for that." "Don't you care for German opera?" inquired the man with a grin. Why Is a Plumber's Bill? By J. W. FOLEY. The plumber had a rush order for 9 a. m. at No. 3343 Elm street There was a leak in the water supply pipe to the kitchen sink. "There is no hurry," he observed to the helper, "for our time Is going on just the same." The helper checked his pace to ac cord with the plumber's, for he was a very young man and enthusiastic. ' "I wonder if I forgot that small wrench," mused the plumber, as they neared No. 3343. "Let's look in the kit." suggested the helper. "If It's not there, I'll hurry right back and get it" The plumber frowned. "How many times have I told you to cut out that word 'Hurry?'" he said crossly. "I forgot," explained the helper in an apologetic tone. Eventually they reached the back door of No. 3343 and the maid ad mitted them. "The water's leaking "What Do You Get for Plumbing?" Asked the Maid Timidly. all over my floor," she explained In some anxiety. She bald "my" floor because she was the maid and it was hers for that week, anyway. The plumber, apparently, was not much Interested, for he filled hla plpo and lighted a little fire in a kettle he carried in his hHnd. Over the top of the fire he placed a number of tongs and pincers. Then he lighted his pipe and leaned over the kitchen table, where the sporting page had been used as a table cover. "Young Jenks'll put out 'Sliver' Jones In two rounds," he observed to the helper, while the maid put another dish towel compress on the leaky pipe. "The leak's gntlng bigger," said the maid. "Of course It Is," agreed the plum ber. "They always do." 'I didn't. There wasn't Elba room for ne there and I left the Island.' In somewhat sly fashion I smiled at his wit. " 'Oh, that's all right,' he laughed. 1 didn't have to leave it It wasn't so big that I couldn't have brought it away with me, but I had no furtbef use for it.' " Wo said that Bonaparte was politic. "Speaking of politics," the old gen tleman garruled on, "reminds me of a question I once asked George Wash ington. He had served his two terms as president and had retired to .Mount Vernon, where I dined with him one Sunday. " 'General, I said to him as we sat on the broad verandah overlooking the Potomac drinking mint Juleps that were pure nectar, 'did you really chop down the cherry tree?' " 'Don't aek me, my dear fellow,' he begged. 'Once I might have been unable to tell a He, but I've been in politics a whole lot 6inee that time. " We Intimated that Washington was a careful man. "Speaking of careful men," the old gentleman came up promptly, "re minds me of an experience I had not long since with Mark Twain. He was smoking one of my 25-cent cigars at the time. I tnado a remark for the express purpose of drawing a flaBh of his brilliant humor. He did not re spond in words, but winked slyly. " '1 catch on,' he said nodding and rubbing his hands, 'but I won't say what you want me to. I'll write It and got my established rate for it.' " We intimated firmly but gently that Mr. Clemens was becoming quite thrifty with age. ,' "Speaking of age," chattered the old gentleman, "reminds me of a story Chauncey Depew told me the other " (Copyright, 1909, by W. G. Chapman.) "German? Huh? Say, is that It? And that orchestra piece was a waltz was a valse?" . I thought i "I'm glad to know I was sober all that time, anyway," spoke up the oth er drummer with a sigh of relief. "The only German word I ever did know is 'gesundheit,' and I don't know what that one means." (Copyright, 1909, by W. Q. Chapman.) When he had finished with the sport ing page he opened the kit. "It ain't here," he observed. "What?" said the helper. "The small wrench," said -the plumber. "We've got an adjustable wrench in the cellar that will fit any pipe," said the maid gladly. The plumber checked her with a dark frown. "I can't put none but my own tools on the job," he said sternly. "Go back to the shop and bring the little wrench, Jimmy." The helper started on the run for the door. "Jimmy!" The plumber's tone was ominous. Jimmy reduced his speed to plumber's rates. The plumber blew up his fire and found a pink sheet in the coal scuttle. He moved a chair over by the stove and read placidly. The drip of water did not disturb him for he was used to it. "What do you get for plumbing?" said the maid timidly. "Seventy cents an hour," responded the plumber gruffly. "And for waiting?" suggested the iald. The plumber scowled. "I ain't wait Ing here because I want to," he mut tered. "I'm waiting because I have to, The kid forgot some of my tools." 4 The kitchen clock ticked off the minutes at a little over a cent apiece, The maid wrung out another dish towel with which to poultice the leak. The plumber yawned and dropped the pink sheet. Then he knocked out his pipe on the floor. "Would you like to look at the leak?" Inquired the maid. "Naw," said the plumber. "I've seen more'n a million leaks. I've stopped more n a million of 'em. too." "AbRent treatment?" suggested the maid, who was a pert thing. 1 Jimmy returned with the wrench at 11:45. The plumber took it leisure ly, gave the pipe a twist, dabbed on some solder and sizzled it with a hot iron. Then he spilled some bits of hot solder on the floor and stepped on them for tho maid's benefit. jrmmy gathered up the parapher nalia and they started back for the shop. When the bill went In It read: ' 5 hours' services, plumber.. $3.50 5 hours' services, helper... 1.23 Solder 05 Total...- $4.80 "You're a lucky kl ;, Jimmy," said the plumber cn the wa back to the shop "There nln't many kids got the chance you have to be a plumber." (Copyright, VM, by W. O. Chapman THE first sketch shows a smart costume in navy blue race qotn. The skin has a wrapped seam down each side of front; it is trimmed at the lower part by straps of material with pointed ends, below t wo tucks are made, and . , I A a, - .1 A . fPV - . I ,1.. I. tit n .1 W n ,1 a I me Oiner pun mere ure Hirer iui-kb. i uc vuni in wKiii-iuu.ift, mm uno mi away fronts; it is trimmed with braid and buttons; the edge is braided, so also is the waistcoat. Velvet is used for the collar. Hat of straw, trimmed with ribbon. Material required: eight yards cloth one-fourth yard velvet, one dozen yards The second would be very handsome cloth; the skirt Is quite plain, and Is cut at the foot so that It hangs In graceful folds. The coat has a waistcoat of embroidered lace, also a panel of it dowc center of back and each side of front; the back fits tightly and the fronts are semi-fitting; buttons and cords are sewn on cither side of waistcoat, also on panel at back. The long, tight-fitting sleeves are trimmed with strips of lace at the wrist Hat of coarse straw feather. Material required: Eight yards broidered lace, V,i yard braid, one dozen SUITABLE IN MANY SHADES Graceful Gown of Cashmere That Would Be Appropriate In AU most All Season's Colors. Alligator-gray la the color chosen for this graceful gown, but It would look well in many of the beautiful shades there are to be bad this sea son. The plastron down center of front and back is trimmed each side with satin covered buttons to match, the other part of skirt is plain, and rests slightly on the ground all round. Two folds are arranged on each shoul der, and brought slightly toward the plastron, both front and back. The revera are trimmed with braid, and edged with ball fringe, the sleeve is trimmed to match. Tucked silk forms the yoke, and plain silk slightly tucked Is used for the deep cuff edged with frilling. Hat of stretched satin trimmed with roses and ribbon. Materials required: Eight yards cashmere 48 Inches wide, four dozen buttons, three yards ball fringe, one half dozen yards braid, two yards silk, 1 yards satin. Parle Adopts Tailored Hats. The chapeau taileur is having an astonishing vogue in Paris. So great is tho demand for this particular kind of hendgear that the leading Paris de signers and even those whose spe clalty until now has been the elaborate hat exclusively do not disdain to de vote some of their attention to it. Vogue. The New Sailor. The new sailor has a low, broad crown, with a wide brim a little wider at one Bide than the other, the sides J curling up very slightly. 46 inches wide, three dozen buttons, braid, four yards coat lining. made up In oak-apple brown chiffo to match, trimmed with roses and a cloth 28 inthes wide, 3V& yards of em buttons, 5i yards lining for coat. THE IDEAL IN BABY BASKET. Of Wicker. Lined with Mercerized Satine and Covered with Paris Muslin. A fascinating baby basket just made for a young mother was of wicker, shallow and oblongi It was lined with mercerized 6atlne, pink, of high luster, and covered with Paris muslin, which Is aa dainty looking as organdie and much more durable. The pink lining was put In plain, but the muslin was gathered slightly at top and bottom of the sides, the bot torn being plain. Double Btrips of Inch-wide Valenciennes Insertion were arranged across the bottom to form a diamond. Along each side were pockets of the muslin gathered at the top on an elastic and edged with narrow lace The fronts of the pockets as well as of the long pin cushion across one end and the equally long, stiffened cover with leaves of flannel underneath to hold safety pins at the other end were also stripped with Insertion In dia mond effect. Where each pocket and cushion joined the basket the sewing was con cealed under fluffy rosettes of pink baby ribbon. j The ruffle that fell over the sides was made of straight strips of the Paris muslin, with an inch-wide hem at the bottom, and above it eighth ot an Inch tucks a half Inch apart, with baby ribbon sewed hetween each tuck. The ribbon was put on plain, though It would have been equally pretty if a width wider ribbon was used and gathered at the upper edge. Oriental Silks. Oriental silks have a way of coming in -on the market and meeting w ith popular favor because of their genu! ne oddity among fabrics. They are al ways sought by persons who look for the exclusive patterns and this is possible among oriental silks where two patterns may be alike, but of dif ferent colors. The trimmings for such are plain silks, soutnche and crochet buttons. One of the dashing dresses constructed of this material was a brick red, with clouded effect. It was trimmed with black-red grosgraln silk and tn edging of black soutache in sawtooth fashion for bands. The dress was u very good example of whet can be produced with a foreign Eilk. Lingerie Bag. A pretty summer fashion is the lingerie Dorothy bag. Painty little bags of open-work embroidery of the broderle Ar.glatse order, with linings tn delicate shades of pink, primrose, blue, green or mauve- and ribbon handles to match, will be carried. The color chosen for the lining will be repeated in the draped celnturo round th waist, the ribbon on the lingerie- hat and the bows of the sun thadc. It Is a quaint and pretty fashion, the lingerie bag, and during the hot part of the year the familiar leather bandbag will take a back place. A The rieeoemnn that owns all our street From our schoolhouse to Perkins' store An' watches ever'one lie will meet I'm nut afraid of lilin no more! An" he's an bin! the riceeeman la Uf a big aa O'lln, un' lie's not A area"; big t-luh that lie could whlS Hlght on your head as like as not. W'y yesterday I runned away Or wanted to until I crossed Thut street where all tho railroads "lay. An' II rut thing that I know I'm lost! An' ao I cried, but Just bulu-ausa I'm sorry for my i.iumnia then She's feel an bad If Bantu Claus Ion't find me when lie comes again. An' Jurt right while I'm rryln' there, W'y that big Pleecemun come, ho did. An' laugh an' say that ha declare If here ain't Mister Wilton's kid! An' I was scared! But he took hold My hand on' said I was the beat! An' then he walked on. an' he told Some stories, till we found our street. The Flrereman he has eyes that squlnrh All up In wrinkles when he grins, An' he Just pat my head an' pinch My cheeks An' lie's got two-threo chins! An' you can't 'maglne, but It's true, 'Fore long I wasn't 'frald, an' then I notice him until I knew That Pleecemans Is the same aa men! So when my mamma see me, w'y She hug me up as close an' tight, An' that big Pleeceman say: "Good by. I've kids at home, mum; It's all right." So now I'm not afraid to walk Up to him like I was before An' say "Ilow'do," an' almost talk! I'm not afraid of him no more. Answer to the Anxious. Amos K: You are wrong in think ing that because the beans came up on the stems you had planted them upside down. A bean knows its busi ness. Once planted it starts Its roots and then comes to the surface to see what growing facilities are provided above. Quit pushing the beans back Into the ground. You ask what to do with your wife's rubber plant, which has been broken in moving to tho new house. We would suggest that you take it to an auto tire shop and have It vul canized at the fracture. Pie plant is still raised in the old way. We had not beard that Mr. Bur bank bad crossed it with the straw berry and evolved a shortcake plant. Yes, maple trees can be raised from the seed. Plant one In a hill thirty feet apart You should have a fine shade In a century. Certainly, set your egg plants beside '.he hen coop If you wish. .4 xin- Divorce Statistics. '".. "You have done a good day's work," says the chief as the census enumer ator comes In with an arm load of blanks and other things. "With a few more such men as you we could get the divorce statistics compiled inside of a month." "Maybe so," replied the enumera tor, wearily,- "hut you'll have to have about ten thousand more, if that's what you mean by a few." "How's that?" "All these documents are cn one case." "One?" ' "Yes. They represent Information I got from Miss Amazalla Fllpflasb,1 the well-known soubrette, as to her matrimonial ventures. And here," he produced a largo bundle of photo graphs, "here are GO pictures of her in costume that she gave me, think ing we were to illustrate our report" The Result. "If a man lays brick for three days," says tho teacher, "at $2 a day, and another man carries mortar to him at $1.35 a day during that time, what do they make?" "They make the union send a walking delegate to strike the job," answers the little boy whose papa has had some experience along those lines. The Present Stage. The water wagon rolls along With lust a mun or two beside it, The water wagon now Is full And so aro those who used to ride it