CAPITAL CITY COURIER, SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10, ibyi
r
HI
Itf
i
THE ARIZONA KICKER.
Kverylliliitf Still Uoonilng In the Orcnt
WmI.
Found Dkaii. Ijttst Sunday morning
oino boys, playing In tin; neighborhood of
our rlvatu grnvewnrd, found tliu dead
body of Big Jim, tliu halfbreed, who
hni licon a local character for yours. Tho
coroner' luqtjcst developed tliu fact that
wliliky downed him, and tliu boys chipped
In ctiuiiKh to buy lilm u coflln,
Big Jim was this flrt man in this town
to draw it gun on in, and liu ahotboth
hind buttons olT our co.it wlillo wo were on
tlio run. Ho was also tin' llrt man to
clean out our editorial olllco after wo not
started. On that occasion hu threw us
through n window and tliu Ntovu after u
and wo ran four mile beforo wo (undo a
halt. Wo can't say that wo regret hi
death, but Indulge In tliu hopo that he
will keep warm during tho coming winter
l'ooit OLti l-'LVl Tho otlior day wo ru
eelved forty-eight Iiitku idiccts of red card
board from Chicago on which to print
signs of "for Halo" and "to runt." A red
cardboard Mgn had uuvur been noon in this
town, and the cutcrprlso of Tho Kicker In
sparing no expunge to Introduco thorn was
generally and favorably commented on
This, as a matter of course, rankled in the
bosom of our contemporary down the
street, and when ono of thoso sinus was
nailed up opposlto his olllcu ho was goaded
to desperation. Ho went up and waited
for us at Cowboy alloy, and when wo came
nloug ho pulled his gun and liegnn blazing
nway.
Poor old cross oyud, knock kneed alleged
editor! Ho shot and shot, and not a bullet
camo within a rod of us, and when ho got
through wo picked him up and dropped
him Into nu empty barrel and wont our
way. Wo have given him at least fifteen
first rate chances to kill us, but his shoot
iug is on a par with his editing. Wo rather
like to seo him break out once in awhile.
It is proof that had ho been rightly trained
n tliu school of Journalism ho might havo
been something of a hustler. Wu shan't
hurt him, and if it Is any consolation for
him to coino gunning after us lie's wel
come to it.
Sm: Still Floats. Last week wo had
an editorial advising L'nelu Sam to take
possession of Mexlconnd make it a portion
of this great and glorious country. We
wcru somewhat hilarious when wo wrote
it, and perhaps we bragged up tho star
spangled banner ten or twelve feet higher
tlniii she Is usually boosted. However,
The Kicker uuver takes anything back
which happens to bo connected with Hunk
er Hill, Valley Forgo and tho Immortal
Gcorgo.
It seems that tho artlclu gavo oflTenso to
Senor Kmuuucl Garcia, tho groaser who j
runs me gamming Hoop over iiiuiiosioinco,
and Monday forenoon ho visited tliu olllco
to pull our uoso and express his dissatis
faction. He found us olT our guard and
rather had tho advantngu for tho first
twenty seconds, but when wo got to work
lie didn't last long. Tho doctor says ho
will pull through If liillammatlon or ery
sipelas doesn't set In, and woaro glad of it.
IIo was imbued with patriotic motive, and
bang n man who won't fight for his coun
try. That's what wo were Imbued with
wheu wo wrote tho article, and at this
stngo of the game tho old Hag still proudly
floats in the hree.oof liberty. Wo don't
know whether Undo Sam will take our
advice, or not, but wo want to drop a hint
right hero that in case of a war with a
foreign power this town will expect to do
more whooping and to shed more goro
than any other ten of equal sl.o in the
west. M. Quad in Now York World.
What Shu Meant.
The struggles of childhood with long
words aro of'cu as pathetic as they are
droll, but it Is tho funny sldo which is opt
to impress their elders. A lady went not
Jong auo to call upon a neighbor in tho
cotir.tvy, and found tho flvo-year-old sou of
tho house playing upon tho lawn.
"How do you do, Georgle," she said. "Is
your mamma at home?"
"No, Mrs. Gray," ho answered, with tho
most approved politeness.
"I inn sorry for that," tho caller said.
"Will shu be gone long?"
"I don't know," tho llttlo fellow nn
swered doubtfully. "Shu's gone to n Chris
tian and devil meeting."
"Gone to what?" the lady exclaimed in
.astonishment.
"To a Christian and dovil meeting in the
vestry," was the reply.
And it suddunly Hashed across tho cali
per's remembrance that for that afternoon
had been appointed at tho vestry of the
church n meeting of the Society of Chris
tian Endeavor. Boston Courier.
Lawyers anil liiiinigt)i.
Lawyer (triumphnntly) Gooduessl we
have won. Tho jury rendered n verdict
giving my client, Jones, $10,000 damages.
His Wife I am glad to hear that. Jones
can now pay you that fifty dollars ho owes
you.
Lawyer No-o. I'm afraid not; ho has
to pay tho costs of tho suit. Lima (0.)
Dally Times.
A Lour Vacation.
Llowellyn, a Little Lord Fauntleroy dar
ling on tho North side, saw an Indian for
tho first tlmo tho other day. He gazed in
speechless wonder at the uoblo red man's
swarthy face and bunds for some mo
ments, and then said, "Papa, what an aw
ful long vacation that man must have been
taking." Chicago Tribune.
Hyperbolic.
Actor I tell you, my colleague Heldon
beln is so entirely dependent on the
prompter that ho invited tho man to at
tend ills wedding the other day and whis
per tho words "I will" at tho critical mo
ment. Dor Schalk.
On the Water.
She I wonder why tho Diblo commands
us to cist our bread upon tho water?
The Uruto To soften It. probably.
Now York Ilurald.
Keep Mum.
A contributor inquires, "How can I tell
tho ago of a horse?" If jou aro anxious to
sell the beast, don't tell It nt nil. Wash
ington Star.
Ulglit In It.
Tho Leopard What do you think of
that man with a cameia who went by here
about an hour ago) ,
Lion Oh, hu's out of sight. Life.
A Hml M Intake.
Mr K. C. White, a man about town, well
known, well liked by the ladles and fairly
popular In the male not, was misled from
Ids former corner In tho club, and rumor
said that he had been married In CULAigo
or Cincinnati After a week or ton daya
lie appeared in tho olllcu of the St, Charles,
in Now Orleans, approached the reglstet
with the "Oh-I'vo-liccu-hero-boforo" air.
snd taking up the pen. ho indorsed, In a
style never before, equaled, the following
"K. 0. Wife - White. California. "-Do-trolt
Free Press
Semi II I 111 llutilfi.
.A?(Llrz4 Cr
Voice from Doorway Mary, what aro
you doing out there?
Mary I'm looking at tho moon.
Voice from Doorway Well, tell the
moon to go homo, and you come Into the
house It's half past II. Life
Ill Sneeze Mmnt Take n Kent.
"look at that!'
Under his arm ho carried a Turkish rug.
He was walking along Ninth avenue
yesterday afternoon
At the comer of West Twenty-sixth
street he suddenly snee.ud, unrolled tho
gaudy scarf, and pru-cinptlug a cool place
under tho shelter of a peanut stand calm
ly stretched his frame over Manhattan Is
laud
Tliu gang edged closer Fully fifty peo
ple gathered.
"He Is crazy."
"He Is weary."
"He Is lieery."
The brave policeman took his turn. "Ho
is the descendant of a race of kiegs. I
guess 1 had better run him In."
The man whispered something In tho
cop's ear
Tliu minion of tho law smiled.
"Hoys,' ho said, us sweet us honey,
"move on and let tho gentleman rest."
"What's up?"
"MonooiiI"
Tliu man on tliu rug sneezed again.
"Ah.'' he said, "all over now. I knew it.
The first snee.e menus llo down. Tho sec
ond get a move on you."
"Will you kindly explain your mysteri
ous and kingly pomp)1" naked n breathless
World man.
"With pleasure," wild tho mnn, rolling
up his rug and pieparlng to tako his Jour
ney toward Harlem
"Whatlsltr
"When I sneeze, as I did a moment be
fore, I know by experience it Is necessary
forme to recline. Hence, 1 always carry
this rug."
"Hut why recline?"
"1 hno llts."-Now York World.
Somo runny Answer.
For originality, not to say humor, com
mend us to the answers in examination
papers Here are two or three which an
English bishop vouches for. A child was
asked to give some account of Oliver
Cromwell, and volunteeied tho informa
tion that tho Protector "was very unhappy
mill dreaded assassination. On his death
bed he cried, 'If I had served my God as 1
served my king I should not thus bo for
saken In my old ngel' " Another, evidently
with temperance proclivities, defined syn
tax us "a dooty upon spirits." One smart
youth who was asked by an examiner
"Could J our father walk around tho
world?" was equal to tho occasion. "No,
sir." said ho. "Why not?" "Because bo's
dead."-Now York Tribune.
Tier Great Love.
"Could you love me, darling," he whis
pered with a tender, pleading look in lib
eyes, "If I hnd only one cont to my back?"
"1 could," she replied softly, as shu nes
tled in his greut, strong Yorkvlllo arms,
"If I knew you had sacrificed tho others to
buy me a now dress." Clothier and Fur
nisher. One Exception.
"It is too bad that the bristles In a hand
some hairbrush Ilko this do not last as
long ns the back," said the visitor to
Johnny's mother.
"They will," put In Johnny, ruefully.
"Ma uses the back o' that brush a good
deal." Harper's Bazar.
A riensant Surprise.
Bride fin spo.) I should like to glvo my
intended n llttlo surprise before our mar
riage. What would you advise?
Feinalo Friend Hum' present him with
your certillcnto of birth. Fliegeude Blat
ter A Great Want.
Cumso (Interrupting the barber's re
marks) Haven't you a silent partner?
Barber-No, sir.- Why?
"1 wish you hail. I'd Ilko him to shave
1110." Harper's Bazar
A I.I in I led Experience
A writer in The National Stockman says
thnt tho speed of bees is greatly overesti
mated. He evidently never tried to got
away from one. Chicago Globe.
A tit ii in mil.
Varicolored asters now aro
Ueenriitlnit wood and Held,
I'astmes of the browalng cow aro
Dotted with thu mushroom luld;
Lunh and (rnurunt now thu grapes nro,
ThNtlo down tho meadow tprny.
Camphorated mats and cape are
Xcarlns resnnectlmi day
In tho BwamiH the j iple leaves aro
Firm! with periodic llame.
line and iheie the walnut thieves aro
l.iuiL'lihii; at the tarmut'a aim.
In tliuuW'iitlde the k'Mtesaie
llright wltb that vfhli h waiiuth Imp&rts,
Ou the Mump thecaudid.itei aiu
Ailing llieli huyngutl ait.
Moribund tlie gal den plants are,
I'tostnaiu Impelling their fate.
Evel) whelu the canine "pants" re
(iettini: rathei out of d.ttu,
Vui unhide "inturiied with thniiks"nro
A tlu) oft liae been befoiu.
And agiln tlio football crank are
ltiK foi one number' goi e.
-Hoton Courier.
Sf
COULDN'T MAKE A TRADE.
Tliimulit Hit llnd Hint All llltflit. tint II
lllilu't Work.
'How much do yon ask for this basket
of peaeln's" said a man who entered i
South Water street orchard yestetday
afternoon
"Oulj fifty cents," answered tho hortl
cullurlst in charge
"Only fifty cents?" echoed tho caller
"Do you tall that cheap?"
"es, sir, for peaches of thnt quality
They're swett, ripe, Juicy and free from j
bruNos, You won't Hud a better pinch in
this market, and I'm betting money on '
it." !
"They are cheaper than that In Dola
ware." I
"Hut this Isn't Delaware, my friend.
Take a good look at those peaches No,
you needn't tear n hole tu thu gauze
Heru's an opening In tho side of the has
ket You can see for yam self. They're
sound as a dollar, best freestones, good all
the way down, and If this wasn't a btg
year for peaches that basket would cost
you a dollar and a quarter.''
"No cheaper, 1 reckon, If 1 should tnko .
half dozen baskets?"
"I inli&t shade 'em for you a little, but
It's Just as I tell you There Isn't n better
pouch In the market anywhere today than
these, and'1 '
"Take forty-llvo cents for this b.isket?" I
"Well )es," said the dealer nfter n mo
incut's hesitation. "Hut" ,
"Six of 'em for tt.-IU?" '
"1 oughtn't to rotuu down a cunt on 'em,
but if you want six I'll let youhmo'oni
for fcJ.RO "
"Make It tt.-tO "
"Can't do It "
"Two forty-live then."
"All right '
The caller w hipped a book out from un
tier his coat, opened It and began talking
rapidly
"Here's a little work I'm Introducing In
this neighborhood It's called 'The House
keeper's Friend. It tells you how to get
up a party, how to make a bed, fly a kltu,
get rid of cockroaches, cure warts, corns
and Ingrowing toenails, how to cuter a
drawing loom, paint on glass, mend crock
ery wine, dres a chicken, cook n"
"Thunderatlotil What do I want of"
"Cook a lobster, take care of a canary,
bring your children up to obey you, clean
spots out of carpets, how to tell mush
rooms from toadstools, what kind of books
von ought to lead"
"Seo herul I don't"
'And I'm ottering this book for exactly
fc!.4.V It's worth f 10 ol any man's uionuy,
but I'm selllim It at a low prico to Intro
duce It At W -Mil will ust pay for these
peaches, and"
"I don't want it at all, sir!"
"Iok It over, you'll Ihid It's all 1 claim
for It What Is a miserable half dozen
baskets of peaches couip ired with n book
that shows you how to approach a cow
wheu you want to milk her, thnt gives
you directions about cultivating your
mind"
"I tell you I don't want your bookl"
Hey?"
''I wouldn't give you ten cents for n box
ful of stijji books."
"You wouldn't?"
"No, slrl"
"Who's asking you to glvo ten cents for
i boxful of them? I came in here, sir, ilko
a man to negotiate a trade with you, You
have given mo your lowest prleo for six
baskets of peaches and I've given you my
lowest cash price for n book worth n
hundred baskets. I havo oll'ered, sir. to
mnki) an even trade. And you refuse!"
"Yes, and If you don't get outof hero"
"I'm going, sir'" said the caller in the
severe, dignified tone of n mnn administer
lug a deserved reproof to an impudent
hired man. "A person, sir, who doesn't
care enough about learning how to dress
properly, take care of pigeons, acquire an
easy graco of inaiinur, wok eggplant and
detect counterfeit money, and who doesn't
believe in the grand principle of reciproci
ty in commercial transactions Is not
worthy of the name of an American cltl
zen Thnt Is all, sir' Good afternoon."
Chicago Tribune
Tile Ciuiiiinrlii; Huro Itetiirns.
"Tell me, my boy," said the aged father
ns ho garcd long and earnestly Into the
face of the prodigal sou, who had but Just
returned after the long, anxious years
"tell tnu, what have you been doing all
these years that we havo mourned you?"
"Yes, father," replied the young man,
his bronzed and weathcrlicntcu face light
ing up with honest pride "I have accom
plished what other men have failed at. 1
huve learned how to crease my own trou
sers." Clothier and Furnisher
Siinmtlilng ftnt Away.
"You sny the chicken soup isn't good?
Why, I told the cook now to mnko it. Per
haps she didn't catch the Idea."
Booider No. 1 think It was the chicken
she didn't catch. Braudou Bucksaw
No l.uuifli There.
We laugh at thecute waylngsof children,
but the telling remarksof n young brother
are uot nlwuy admired by tho grown up
sister. Cupe Cod Item.
No Mure.
Tho girl wo know lias Hod from view,
Thu tllclit we must deplore,
And lots of things she uvd to do
Hlio doesn't any moro.
She iiM'il to gumbo! on thu beach
Where walers fiercely roar,
Ami Kit) It lly thu breaker' reach: ' .
hiioniii'Mit any morn
She oil wmild list to words of love
Thai HitIhti iimhI lo pour
Into Iter far a (buy would rovo.
Hlie ilni'Mi't iinr uioru
Her 4t -- uauie I Uli aliout her throat
L'pon thu iulilil) thoru.
Hut In tli ballroom now you uote,
It doeaii'l an) more.
-Washlneton Star.
I'erpl.-xeil
, She Ili.ven't yn Im .mi btfunlliu before
that gla. longiii'Jiigh?
I He Urn Well, p'taps I havo You see
j I ain't dirldo whether to wear my half
pompadour or not Truth
t ft y - m
Didn't Cntim Around.
"Seo here, waiter," said a guest at a
hotel In a now and struggling town,
"haven't jou got any milk for this colleof"
"No, sir," replied thu wnlturalTably, "tin
milkman didn't como around this morn
ItiK." "1 don't see any bread."
"No, tho bread man didn't coma around."
"Can't you give me sottiu Iced tea?"
"Well, no, the fact Is tho leu man didn't
come around
"I don't see any meat on the tabic; noth
ing hut fried catllsh "
"No catllsh Is the best wu can do Tho
meat man didn't cotuu arouuil."
"Well, who In Ihundurdld coinuarouud?
There Isn't enough to eat on this tabic to
banquet a squirrel."
"There was a cablmuo man around yes
terday, and If you can wait I'll try and Hx
j on up some cold slaw, or If It Isn't all
gone there Is somo dried beef down In tho
cellar in a null keg," Texas Slftlngs
I'nl Hint n us it lltnler.
James Whltcomb Kllcy went abroad re
cently, and ou the esel coming back
volunteered for the regular ship's concert
for the iK'iiellt of destitute mariners llo
lead a number of poems, which wuru rap
turously received hv everybody present
with tho exception of two ery stolid Eng
lishmen tu thu front row Tho following
conversation ensued between ilium later
ou In the smoking room
"I say. Arthur, what was that chap's
nntnu who tead tho verses?"
"Ah, that's Wilcox Illley he's quite a
clever itadesiuati."
"lllrss me. who'd 'a' thought III I hoard
he was a literary chap and all that sort of
tiling '
"No, I'm told Iio'hh hosier."
'You don't say so? Iteally, now, what
a pity It is that a man Ilko him should Is)
tied down to a shop "
And this Is what it is to bu tlio Hooslur
poet. Chicago Tribune.
giiillllled Allertlnn.
Genuluu sorrow Is sometimes expressed
so strangely Unit the listener lluds It hard
not to smllu A case In point Is mentioned
by a olorgj man
While passing a summer vacation in a
thinly settled pottlon of Maine, ho was
called upon to olllclatu at the funeral of u
farmer, who had died leaving a widow
with whom he had lived In wedlock for
nearly half a coutuiy.
After the service the widow caiuu to thu
side ol the colllu for a last look at the faco
of the departed, and as she stood there shu
hoaxed a diep sigh, and turned to thu
clergyman tomij. with pel feet simplicity!
"Wal, I ruther liked him." Youth's
Companion
A Tallin for Hie Pencil Reason.
The Good Minister had preached a Pow
erful Sermon from thu Text. "Thou Shalt
Not Steal."
And thu Hallway Expressman ou tho
Hick Seat took It as a Hugu Joku and
cheei fully threw in Haifa Dollar wheu tho
Uasket came around. Chicago Tribuuo.
What lit: Craved.
Walter What kind of soup will you
have?
lleeutheru Just plain.
Walter What do you mean by thnt?
Ueenthere Without any thumb It It.
Boston Courier
To II Continued.
"Mrs, Browu and 1 never quarreled but
owe.''
"What? I heard you two weeks ago, and
I heard jou ngalu today."
"It was the same quarrel, sir." Now
York Sun..
rroffftalotinl Ciiirtnjr.
Two doctors met on tho street.
"I feel soi ry for you. You ought not to
be out In this kind of weather. You are a
sick num." said Dr. Blister.
"I am feeling very well," replied Dr.
Soonover.
"What doctor Is treating you?"
"I am prescribing for myself."
"You shouldn't do thnt. You nro liable
to Imj arrested for attempted suicide."
Texas Sifting
Froitf. OdU
"Could you not, If you tried, grant me
place in that Icy heart of yours?"
"My heart may bo of Ico, as you sny, Mr.
Sophlelgh. But, all the same, I am not in
thu cold storage business." IudUuapolU
Journal.
HARDY & PITCHER
5HH5SH5H
asHSHSHEasasasassasasHSHsasasciSc1 sssssssRssscSESzssssssszsssssasz
FURNITURE
SfHSHSaSHSHSHSHSHSH5HSH5ESHSaSHSH5HSHSHScia5HSaS72S5HSHSH5HSHSaSclSH
-96
211 South 11th St.
Telephone 176,
i
Moving Household Goods and Pianos a Specialty
Removal Sale
-
As wo intend to remove to our New
Furniture Block on 13th street, between O
and P, about September 1st, we have con
cluded lo oiler our larp' stock of
FURNITURE
at nearly cost price until that time. As we in
tend to make genuine heavy cuts, these sales
at reduced prices will be strictly cash. Call
and investigate.
AUG. TH. GRUETTER & CO.
1 1 if and 1 1
YOU GET FITS
And the right kind as well, as excellent
wear and latest style in Shoes when
patronizing
Parker & Sanderson.
See their fine line of shoes for
SUMMER WEAR
1009 O ST.
LEAVE YOUR ORDERS
WITH US FOR
ICB CREAM
FOR SUNDAY DINNER,
AND THEY. WILL RECEIVE PROMPT ATTENTION.
Sutton & Hollowbush
Makers of Bon Itons and Chocolates.
Also Delicious Ice Cream and Soda Water.
HAVE TUB LARGEST STOCK OF -
IN THE CITY. fs-
LINCOLN, NEB.
-
iS N Street.
d5E5HSSS
i
OFFICE
1001 0 Street.
H i winitwiriMfamiMttBaMxfgfeawyy
