CAPITAL CITY COURIER, SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10, ibyi r HI Itf i THE ARIZONA KICKER. Kverylliliitf Still Uoonilng In the Orcnt WmI. Found Dkaii. Ijttst Sunday morning oino boys, playing In tin; neighborhood of our rlvatu grnvewnrd, found tliu dead body of Big Jim, tliu halfbreed, who hni licon a local character for yours. Tho coroner' luqtjcst developed tliu fact that wliliky downed him, and tliu boys chipped In ctiuiiKh to buy lilm u coflln, Big Jim was this flrt man in this town to draw it gun on in, and liu ahotboth hind buttons olT our co.it wlillo wo were on tlio run. Ho was also tin' llrt man to clean out our editorial olllco after wo not started. On that occasion hu threw us through n window and tliu Ntovu after u and wo ran four mile beforo wo (undo a halt. Wo can't say that wo regret hi death, but Indulge In tliu hopo that he will keep warm during tho coming winter l'ooit OLti l-'LVl Tho otlior day wo ru eelved forty-eight Iiitku idiccts of red card board from Chicago on which to print signs of "for Halo" and "to runt." A red cardboard Mgn had uuvur been noon in this town, and the cutcrprlso of Tho Kicker In sparing no expunge to Introduco thorn was generally and favorably commented on This, as a matter of course, rankled in the bosom of our contemporary down the street, and when ono of thoso sinus was nailed up opposlto his olllcu ho was goaded to desperation. Ho went up and waited for us at Cowboy alloy, and when wo came nloug ho pulled his gun and liegnn blazing nway. Poor old cross oyud, knock kneed alleged editor! Ho shot and shot, and not a bullet camo within a rod of us, and when ho got through wo picked him up and dropped him Into nu empty barrel and wont our way. Wo have given him at least fifteen first rate chances to kill us, but his shoot iug is on a par with his editing. Wo rather like to seo him break out once in awhile. It is proof that had ho been rightly trained n tliu school of Journalism ho might havo been something of a hustler. Wu shan't hurt him, and if it Is any consolation for him to coino gunning after us lie's wel come to it. Sm: Still Floats. Last week wo had an editorial advising L'nelu Sam to take possession of Mexlconnd make it a portion of this great and glorious country. We wcru somewhat hilarious when wo wrote it, and perhaps we bragged up tho star spangled banner ten or twelve feet higher tlniii she Is usually boosted. However, The Kicker uuver takes anything back which happens to bo connected with Hunk er Hill, Valley Forgo and tho Immortal Gcorgo. It seems that tho artlclu gavo oflTenso to Senor Kmuuucl Garcia, tho groaser who j runs me gamming Hoop over iiiuiiosioinco, and Monday forenoon ho visited tliu olllco to pull our uoso and express his dissatis faction. He found us olT our guard and rather had tho advantngu for tho first twenty seconds, but when wo got to work lie didn't last long. Tho doctor says ho will pull through If liillammatlon or ery sipelas doesn't set In, and woaro glad of it. IIo was imbued with patriotic motive, and bang n man who won't fight for his coun try. That's what wo were Imbued with wheu wo wrote tho article, and at this stngo of the game tho old Hag still proudly floats in the hree.oof liberty. Wo don't know whether Undo Sam will take our advice, or not, but wo want to drop a hint right hero that in case of a war with a foreign power this town will expect to do more whooping and to shed more goro than any other ten of equal sl.o in the west. M. Quad in Now York World. What Shu Meant. The struggles of childhood with long words aro of'cu as pathetic as they are droll, but it Is tho funny sldo which is opt to impress their elders. A lady went not Jong auo to call upon a neighbor in tho cotir.tvy, and found tho flvo-year-old sou of tho house playing upon tho lawn. "How do you do, Georgle," she said. "Is your mamma at home?" "No, Mrs. Gray," ho answered, with tho most approved politeness. "I inn sorry for that," tho caller said. "Will shu be gone long?" "I don't know," tho llttlo fellow nn swered doubtfully. "Shu's gone to n Chris tian and devil meeting." "Gone to what?" the lady exclaimed in .astonishment. "To a Christian and dovil meeting in the vestry," was the reply. And it suddunly Hashed across tho cali per's remembrance that for that afternoon had been appointed at tho vestry of the church n meeting of the Society of Chris tian Endeavor. Boston Courier. Lawyers anil liiiinigt)i. Lawyer (triumphnntly) Gooduessl we have won. Tho jury rendered n verdict giving my client, Jones, $10,000 damages. His Wife I am glad to hear that. Jones can now pay you that fifty dollars ho owes you. Lawyer No-o. I'm afraid not; ho has to pay tho costs of tho suit. Lima (0.) Dally Times. A Lour Vacation. Llowellyn, a Little Lord Fauntleroy dar ling on tho North side, saw an Indian for tho first tlmo tho other day. He gazed in speechless wonder at the uoblo red man's swarthy face and bunds for some mo ments, and then said, "Papa, what an aw ful long vacation that man must have been taking." Chicago Tribune. Hyperbolic. Actor I tell you, my colleague Heldon beln is so entirely dependent on the prompter that ho invited tho man to at tend ills wedding the other day and whis per tho words "I will" at tho critical mo ment. Dor Schalk. On the Water. She I wonder why tho Diblo commands us to cist our bread upon tho water? The Uruto To soften It. probably. Now York Ilurald. Keep Mum. A contributor inquires, "How can I tell tho ago of a horse?" If jou aro anxious to sell the beast, don't tell It nt nil. Wash ington Star. Ulglit In It. Tho Leopard What do you think of that man with a cameia who went by here about an hour ago) , Lion Oh, hu's out of sight. Life. A Hml M Intake. Mr K. C. White, a man about town, well known, well liked by the ladles and fairly popular In the male not, was misled from Ids former corner In tho club, and rumor said that he had been married In CULAigo or Cincinnati After a week or ton daya lie appeared in tho olllcu of the St, Charles, in Now Orleans, approached the reglstet with the "Oh-I'vo-liccu-hero-boforo" air. snd taking up the pen. ho indorsed, In a style never before, equaled, the following "K. 0. Wife - White. California. "-Do-trolt Free Press Semi II I 111 llutilfi. .A?(Llrz4 Cr Voice from Doorway Mary, what aro you doing out there? Mary I'm looking at tho moon. Voice from Doorway Well, tell the moon to go homo, and you come Into the house It's half past II. Life Ill Sneeze Mmnt Take n Kent. "look at that!' Under his arm ho carried a Turkish rug. He was walking along Ninth avenue yesterday afternoon At the comer of West Twenty-sixth street he suddenly snee.ud, unrolled tho gaudy scarf, and pru-cinptlug a cool place under tho shelter of a peanut stand calm ly stretched his frame over Manhattan Is laud Tliu gang edged closer Fully fifty peo ple gathered. "He Is crazy." "He Is weary." "He Is lieery." The brave policeman took his turn. "Ho is the descendant of a race of kiegs. I guess 1 had better run him In." The man whispered something In tho cop's ear Tliu minion of tho law smiled. "Hoys,' ho said, us sweet us honey, "move on and let tho gentleman rest." "What's up?" "MonooiiI" Tliu man on tliu rug sneezed again. "Ah.'' he said, "all over now. I knew it. The first snee.e menus llo down. Tho sec ond get a move on you." "Will you kindly explain your mysteri ous and kingly pomp)1" naked n breathless World man. "With pleasure," wild tho mnn, rolling up his rug and pieparlng to tako his Jour ney toward Harlem "Whatlsltr "When I sneeze, as I did a moment be fore, I know by experience it Is necessary forme to recline. Hence, 1 always carry this rug." "Hut why recline?" "1 hno llts."-Now York World. Somo runny Answer. For originality, not to say humor, com mend us to the answers in examination papers Here are two or three which an English bishop vouches for. A child was asked to give some account of Oliver Cromwell, and volunteeied tho informa tion that tho Protector "was very unhappy mill dreaded assassination. On his death bed he cried, 'If I had served my God as 1 served my king I should not thus bo for saken In my old ngel' " Another, evidently with temperance proclivities, defined syn tax us "a dooty upon spirits." One smart youth who was asked by an examiner "Could J our father walk around tho world?" was equal to tho occasion. "No, sir." said ho. "Why not?" "Because bo's dead."-Now York Tribune. Tier Great Love. "Could you love me, darling," he whis pered with a tender, pleading look in lib eyes, "If I hnd only one cont to my back?" "1 could," she replied softly, as shu nes tled in his greut, strong Yorkvlllo arms, "If I knew you had sacrificed tho others to buy me a now dress." Clothier and Fur nisher. One Exception. "It is too bad that the bristles In a hand some hairbrush Ilko this do not last as long ns the back," said the visitor to Johnny's mother. "They will," put In Johnny, ruefully. "Ma uses the back o' that brush a good deal." Harper's Bazar. A riensant Surprise. Bride fin spo.) I should like to glvo my intended n llttlo surprise before our mar riage. What would you advise? Feinalo Friend Hum' present him with your certillcnto of birth. Fliegeude Blat ter A Great Want. Cumso (Interrupting the barber's re marks) Haven't you a silent partner? Barber-No, sir.- Why? "1 wish you hail. I'd Ilko him to shave 1110." Harper's Bazar A I.I in I led Experience A writer in The National Stockman says thnt tho speed of bees is greatly overesti mated. He evidently never tried to got away from one. Chicago Globe. A tit ii in mil. Varicolored asters now aro Ueenriitlnit wood and Held, I'astmes of the browalng cow aro Dotted with thu mushroom luld; Lunh and (rnurunt now thu grapes nro, ThNtlo down tho meadow tprny. Camphorated mats and cape are Xcarlns resnnectlmi day In tho BwamiH the j iple leaves aro Firm! with periodic llame. line and iheie the walnut thieves aro l.iuiL'lihii; at the tarmut'a aim. In tliuuW'iitlde the k'Mtesaie llright wltb that vfhli h waiiuth Imp&rts, Ou the Mump thecaudid.itei aiu Ailing llieli huyngutl ait. Moribund tlie gal den plants are, I'tostnaiu Impelling their fate. Evel) whelu the canine "pants" re (iettini: rathei out of d.ttu, Vui unhide "inturiied with thniiks"nro A tlu) oft liae been befoiu. And agiln tlio football crank are ltiK foi one number' goi e. -Hoton Courier. Sf COULDN'T MAKE A TRADE. Tliimulit Hit llnd Hint All llltflit. tint II lllilu't Work. 'How much do yon ask for this basket of peaeln's" said a man who entered i South Water street orchard yestetday afternoon "Oulj fifty cents," answered tho hortl cullurlst in charge "Only fifty cents?" echoed tho caller "Do you tall that cheap?" "es, sir, for peaches of thnt quality They're swett, ripe, Juicy and free from j bruNos, You won't Hud a better pinch in this market, and I'm betting money on ' it." ! "They are cheaper than that In Dola ware." I "Hut this Isn't Delaware, my friend. Take a good look at those peaches No, you needn't tear n hole tu thu gauze Heru's an opening In tho side of the has ket You can see for yam self. They're sound as a dollar, best freestones, good all the way down, and If this wasn't a btg year for peaches that basket would cost you a dollar and a quarter.'' "No cheaper, 1 reckon, If 1 should tnko . half dozen baskets?" "I inli&t shade 'em for you a little, but It's Just as I tell you There Isn't n better pouch In the market anywhere today than these, and'1 ' "Take forty-llvo cents for this b.isket?" I "Well )es," said the dealer nfter n mo incut's hesitation. "Hut" , "Six of 'em for tt.-IU?" ' "1 oughtn't to rotuu down a cunt on 'em, but if you want six I'll let youhmo'oni for fcJ.RO " "Make It tt.-tO " "Can't do It " "Two forty-live then." "All right ' The caller w hipped a book out from un tier his coat, opened It and began talking rapidly "Here's a little work I'm Introducing In this neighborhood It's called 'The House keeper's Friend. It tells you how to get up a party, how to make a bed, fly a kltu, get rid of cockroaches, cure warts, corns and Ingrowing toenails, how to cuter a drawing loom, paint on glass, mend crock ery wine, dres a chicken, cook n" "Thunderatlotil What do I want of" "Cook a lobster, take care of a canary, bring your children up to obey you, clean spots out of carpets, how to tell mush rooms from toadstools, what kind of books von ought to lead" "Seo herul I don't" 'And I'm ottering this book for exactly fc!.4.V It's worth f 10 ol any man's uionuy, but I'm selllim It at a low prico to Intro duce It At W -Mil will ust pay for these peaches, and" "I don't want it at all, sir!" "Iok It over, you'll Ihid It's all 1 claim for It What Is a miserable half dozen baskets of peaches couip ired with n book that shows you how to approach a cow wheu you want to milk her, thnt gives you directions about cultivating your mind" "I tell you I don't want your bookl" Hey?" ''I wouldn't give you ten cents for n box ful of stijji books." "You wouldn't?" "No, slrl" "Who's asking you to glvo ten cents for i boxful of them? I came in here, sir, ilko a man to negotiate a trade with you, You have given mo your lowest prleo for six baskets of peaches and I've given you my lowest cash price for n book worth n hundred baskets. I havo oll'ered, sir. to mnki) an even trade. And you refuse!" "Yes, and If you don't get outof hero" "I'm going, sir'" said the caller in the severe, dignified tone of n mnn administer lug a deserved reproof to an impudent hired man. "A person, sir, who doesn't care enough about learning how to dress properly, take care of pigeons, acquire an easy graco of inaiinur, wok eggplant and detect counterfeit money, and who doesn't believe in the grand principle of reciproci ty in commercial transactions Is not worthy of the name of an American cltl zen Thnt Is all, sir' Good afternoon." Chicago Tribune Tile Ciuiiiinrlii; Huro Itetiirns. "Tell me, my boy," said the aged father ns ho garcd long and earnestly Into the face of the prodigal sou, who had but Just returned after the long, anxious years "tell tnu, what have you been doing all these years that we havo mourned you?" "Yes, father," replied the young man, his bronzed and weathcrlicntcu face light ing up with honest pride "I have accom plished what other men have failed at. 1 huve learned how to crease my own trou sers." Clothier and Furnisher Siinmtlilng ftnt Away. "You sny the chicken soup isn't good? Why, I told the cook now to mnko it. Per haps she didn't catch the Idea." Booider No. 1 think It was the chicken she didn't catch. Braudou Bucksaw No l.uuifli There. We laugh at thecute waylngsof children, but the telling remarksof n young brother are uot nlwuy admired by tho grown up sister. Cupe Cod Item. No Mure. Tho girl wo know lias Hod from view, Thu tllclit we must deplore, And lots of things she uvd to do Hlio doesn't any moro. She iiM'il to gumbo! on thu beach Where walers fiercely roar, Ami Kit) It lly thu breaker' reach: ' . hiioniii'Mit any morn She oil wmild list to words of love Thai HitIhti iimhI lo pour Into Iter far a (buy would rovo. Hlie ilni'Mi't iinr uioru Her 4t -- uauie I Uli aliout her throat L'pon thu iulilil) thoru. Hut In tli ballroom now you uote, It doeaii'l an) more. -Washlneton Star. I'erpl.-xeil , She Ili.ven't yn Im .mi btfunlliu before that gla. longiii'Jiigh? I He Urn Well, p'taps I havo You see j I ain't dirldo whether to wear my half pompadour or not Truth t ft y - m Didn't Cntim Around. "Seo here, waiter," said a guest at a hotel In a now and struggling town, "haven't jou got any milk for this colleof" "No, sir," replied thu wnlturalTably, "tin milkman didn't como around this morn ItiK." "1 don't see any bread." "No, tho bread man didn't coma around." "Can't you give me sottiu Iced tea?" "Well, no, the fact Is tho leu man didn't come around "I don't see any meat on the tabic; noth ing hut fried catllsh " "No catllsh Is the best wu can do Tho meat man didn't cotuu arouuil." "Well, who In Ihundurdld coinuarouud? There Isn't enough to eat on this tabic to banquet a squirrel." "There was a cablmuo man around yes terday, and If you can wait I'll try and Hx j on up some cold slaw, or If It Isn't all gone there Is somo dried beef down In tho cellar in a null keg," Texas Slftlngs I'nl Hint n us it lltnler. James Whltcomb Kllcy went abroad re cently, and ou the esel coming back volunteered for the regular ship's concert for the iK'iiellt of destitute mariners llo lead a number of poems, which wuru rap turously received hv everybody present with tho exception of two ery stolid Eng lishmen tu thu front row Tho following conversation ensued between ilium later ou In the smoking room "I say. Arthur, what was that chap's nntnu who tead tho verses?" "Ah, that's Wilcox Illley he's quite a clever itadesiuati." "lllrss me. who'd 'a' thought III I hoard he was a literary chap and all that sort of tiling ' "No, I'm told Iio'hh hosier." 'You don't say so? Iteally, now, what a pity It is that a man Ilko him should Is) tied down to a shop " And this Is what it is to bu tlio Hooslur poet. Chicago Tribune. giiillllled Allertlnn. Genuluu sorrow Is sometimes expressed so strangely Unit the listener lluds It hard not to smllu A case In point Is mentioned by a olorgj man While passing a summer vacation in a thinly settled pottlon of Maine, ho was called upon to olllclatu at the funeral of u farmer, who had died leaving a widow with whom he had lived In wedlock for nearly half a coutuiy. After the service the widow caiuu to thu side ol the colllu for a last look at the faco of the departed, and as she stood there shu hoaxed a diep sigh, and turned to thu clergyman tomij. with pel feet simplicity! "Wal, I ruther liked him." Youth's Companion A Tallin for Hie Pencil Reason. The Good Minister had preached a Pow erful Sermon from thu Text. "Thou Shalt Not Steal." And thu Hallway Expressman ou tho Hick Seat took It as a Hugu Joku and cheei fully threw in Haifa Dollar wheu tho Uasket came around. Chicago Tribuuo. What lit: Craved. Walter What kind of soup will you have? lleeutheru Just plain. Walter What do you mean by thnt? Ueenthere Without any thumb It It. Boston Courier To II Continued. "Mrs, Browu and 1 never quarreled but owe.'' "What? I heard you two weeks ago, and I heard jou ngalu today." "It was the same quarrel, sir." Now York Sun.. rroffftalotinl Ciiirtnjr. Two doctors met on tho street. "I feel soi ry for you. You ought not to be out In this kind of weather. You are a sick num." said Dr. Blister. "I am feeling very well," replied Dr. Soonover. "What doctor Is treating you?" "I am prescribing for myself." "You shouldn't do thnt. You nro liable to Imj arrested for attempted suicide." Texas Sifting Froitf. OdU "Could you not, If you tried, grant me place in that Icy heart of yours?" "My heart may bo of Ico, as you sny, Mr. Sophlelgh. But, all the same, I am not in thu cold storage business." IudUuapolU Journal. HARDY & PITCHER 5HH5SH5H asHSHSHEasasasassasasHSHsasasciSc1 sssssssRssscSESzssssssszsssssasz FURNITURE SfHSHSaSHSHSHSHSHSH5HSH5ESHSaSHSH5HSHSHScia5HSaS72S5HSHSH5HSHSaSclSH -96 211 South 11th St. Telephone 176, i Moving Household Goods and Pianos a Specialty Removal Sale - As wo intend to remove to our New Furniture Block on 13th street, between O and P, about September 1st, we have con cluded lo oiler our larp' stock of FURNITURE at nearly cost price until that time. As we in tend to make genuine heavy cuts, these sales at reduced prices will be strictly cash. Call and investigate. AUG. TH. GRUETTER & CO. 1 1 if and 1 1 YOU GET FITS And the right kind as well, as excellent wear and latest style in Shoes when patronizing Parker & Sanderson. See their fine line of shoes for SUMMER WEAR 1009 O ST. LEAVE YOUR ORDERS WITH US FOR ICB CREAM FOR SUNDAY DINNER, AND THEY. WILL RECEIVE PROMPT ATTENTION. Sutton & Hollowbush Makers of Bon Itons and Chocolates. Also Delicious Ice Cream and Soda Water. HAVE TUB LARGEST STOCK OF - IN THE CITY. fs- LINCOLN, NEB. - iS N Street. d5E5HSSS i OFFICE 1001 0 Street. H i winitwiriMfamiMttBaMxfgfeawyy