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About Dakota County herald. (Dakota City, Neb.) 1891-1965 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 1, 1914)
DAKOTA COUNTY HERALD; DAKOTA CITY, NEBRASKA. smmmmismissmmffimmmm2smsmsigi Pink Tights and Ginghams A Business Adticnlure of Emma McChesney ' By EDNA FERBER Author of "Dawn O'Hara." "Battered Side Down," etc. - -T- . ..&. Copjrighl by Frederick A. Stokes Company Somo one probably ono of those Frenchmen whoso llfo Job It was to make epigrams once said that thoro nre but two kinds of women: Good women, and bad women. Ever Binco then problem playwrights havo been putting that Action Into tho mouths of wronged husbands and building their "big sccno" around It. Hut don't you believe It. There aro four kinds: Good women, bad women, good bad women, and bad good vyorricn. And the worst of theso Is tho last. This should bo a story of nil four kinds, and when It Is finished I defy you to discover which Is which. When tho red stuff In tho thermome ter waxes ambitious, bo that fat men atand, bulging-eyed beforo It and bo ginning with tho ninety mark count up with a horrible oatlsfactlon ninety one ninety-two nlhcty-three nine-ty-four! by gosh! and the cinders aro filtering Into your berth, and oven tho porter is wandering restlessly up and down tho aisle like a black eoul In pur gatory and a white duck coat, then tho thing to do Is to don those mercifully few garments which tho laxity of sleeping-car ctlquotto permits, slip out be tween tho green curtains and fare forth in search of drafts, liquid and atmospheric. At midnight Emma McChosnoy, in ured as sho was to sleepers and all their horrors, found her lower eight unbearable. With tho bravery of des peration sho groped about for her cln-der-strown belongings, donned slippers and kimono, waited until tho tortured portor's footsteps had squeaked tholr way to tho far end of tho car, then sped up the dim alslo toward tho back platform. Sho wrenched open tho door, felt tho rush of air, drew In a long, grateful, smokc-steam-dust laden lungful of It, felt tho breath of it on spina and chost, sneezed, realized that sho would be tho victim of a summer cold next day, and, knowing, cared not. "Great, ain't It?" said a voice in tho darlcncsj. (Nay, reader. A woman's voice.) Emma McChosnoy was of tho non screaming typo. Hut something lnsldo of her suspended action for tho frac tion of a second. Sho peered into tho darkness. "'J' got scared?" Inqulrod tho voico. Its ownor lurched forward from the corner In which gho had been crouch ing, into tho half-light cast by tho vcstlbulo night-globo. Even as men Judge ono another by a Masonic emblem, an Elk pin, or tho band of a cigar, so do women in sleeping-cars wolgh each other according to tho rules of tho Ancient Order of tho Kimono. Seven seconds after Emma McChesney first behold lro nogllgoo that stood rovealed In tho dim light sho had its woaror neatly wolgiied, marked, listed, docketed and placed. Tho blondo woman cast upon Emma McChesnoy an admiring eye. "Gawd, ain't it hot!" ehe said, so ciably. ' ' "I wondef," mused Emma McChes ney, "it that portor could bo hypno tized into making somo lemonade a pitchorful, with a lot of Ico In it, aud tho cold nwcat breaking out all over tho glass?" ""Lemonade!" echoed tho othor, won dqr and amusement in hqr tone. "Aro tljf y 'still usln' It?" Sho loaned -against the, door, swaying with tho motion of tho car, and hugging her plump, baro arms. "Ravelin' alone?" sho aBkod. "Oh, yea," replied Emma McChes ney, and decided it was tlrno to go in. "Lonesome, ain't It, without com pany?. Coin' far?" "I'm accustomed to it. I travol on buslnesa, not pleasure. I'm on tho road, representing T. A. Buck's fcath- erloom petticoats I" "On tho roadl Sellln' goods! And I thought you was only a kid. It's tho way your hair's fixed, I suppose. Say, that must bo a hard llfo for a woman buttln' Into a man's gamo liko that." "Oh, I suppose any work that takes s woman out Into tho world" bogan Emma McChesnoy vaguely, her hand on the. doorknob. "Sure," agreed tho othor. '"I ought to know. Tho hotels and timo tables alono aro enough to kill. Who do you suppose makes up tralu schedules? They don't scorn to think no respect 'able train ought to leavo anywhere be fore oleven-ilfty p. in., or arrive aftor six a. m. Wo played Ottumwa, Iu., laBt night, and here' wo aro Jumpln' to Illinois." ' , In BUrprlao Emma McChesnoy turned at tho door for another look at tho hair, figure complexion and kimono. "Olj, you're an actress! Well, If you think mlno la a hard llfo foV a woman, why " "Mel" aald tho greon-gold blondo, and laughed not prottily. "I ain't a woman, I'm a queen of burlesque" "Burlesquo? You mean ono of those " Emma McOhosnoy etoppod, her usually deft tongue floundering. "Ono of thoso 'men only' troupos? You guessed It. I'm Blancho LoHayo, of the Sam Levin Crackerjack Belles. wo get into North Bend at bIx tomor row morning, and wo play thero tomor row night, Sunday." Sho took a stop forward bo that her haggard face and artificially tinted hair woro vory near Erana McChesney. ''Know what I was thlnkln' Juet ono eocond beforo you como out hero?" ,, "No; what?" "I was thlnkln' what a cinch it would be to Just push asldo that canvas thing thero by tho steps and try what tho newspaper accounts call 'Jumping into tho night.' Say, if I'd had on my other lawnjerio I'll bet I'd havo dono it." Into Emma McChesnoy'B understand ing .heart thero swept a wave of pity. But oho trnawcred lightly: "ls that supposed to bo funny?" Tho pluniri blondo yawned. "It de pends on your funny bone. Mlno's got Hunted; I'm tho Udy that tho Irish comedy guy elaps In tho face with a bunch of lottuce. Say, there's some thing about you that makes a person got gnbby and toll things. You'd make a swell clairvoyant." Beneath tho comedy of tho bleached hair, and the llaccld face, and tho bizarre wrapper; behind tho coarso ness and vulgarity and Ignorance Emma McChosnoy'H keen mental eye saw something decent and clean and beautiful. And something pitiable, and something tragic. "I guess you'd hotter como In and get somo sloop," said Emma McChes ney; and somehow found her hnnd rostlng on tho woman's shoulder. So they stood, on tho swaying, Jolting platform. Ulnncho LoIInye, of tho Sam Lovln Crackerjack Bollcs, looked down, askance, at tho hand on her phouldor, as at some strange and in teresting object. "Ten years ago," sho said, "that would havo started mo telling tho story of ray llfo, with all tho tremolo stops on, and tho orchestra In tears. Now It only makes mo mad." Emma McChesney's hand seemed to snatch Itself away from tho woman's shoulder. "You can't treat mo with your Ufa's history. I'm going in." "Walt a minute. Don't go away sore, kid. On tho square, I guess I liked tho feel of your hand on my arm, liko that. Suy, I'vo dono tho same thing myself to a Btrango dog that looked up at4 mo, pitiful. You know, tho way you reach down, and pat 'in on tho head, and say, 'NIco dog glo, nlco doggie, old follow,' oven If It Is n street cur, with a chawed ear, and no tall. They growl and show their teeth, but thoy liko it. A woman Lordy! Thero comes tho brakemairT Let's beat it. Ain't wo tho nervy old hens!" The femalo of tho' species as she is found in sleoplng-car dressing-rooms hnd taught Emmn McChesnoy to rise betimes that sho might avoid contact with certain frowsy, shapeless beings armed with bottlos of milky liquids, and boxes of rosy pastes, and ponclls that mado arched and Inky lines; be ings redolent of bitter almond, and vio let toilet water; boings In doubtful cor sets and green silk petticoats perfect as to accordion-plaited flounce, but showing slits and tatters farther up; beings Jealously guarding their ton inches of mirror spaco and consenting to move for no ono; ladles who had como all tho way from Texas and who insisted on telling about it, despite a mouthful of hairpins; doubtful sisters who called ono dcarlo and required to bo hooked up; distracted mothers with three small children who wiped their hands on your shirt waist. So It was that Emma McChesnoy, hntted.and veiled by 5:45, saw tho cur tains of tho borth opposite rent asun der to disclose tho rumpled, shapoleso I jifji.v iri miaa uiuiiviiv JV,Ujru. J. 11U queen of burlesquo boro In her arms a conglomerate mass of shoos, corsot, purplo skirt, bag and groon-plumed hat. She paused to staro at Emma Mc Chesnoy's trim, cool preparedness. "You must havo started to dress ns eoon'8 you como in last night. I never slop' a wink till Just about half a hour ago. l hot I ain't got more than elovon minutes to dross in. Ain't this a scorcher!" Whon tho train stopped at North Bond, Emma McChesney, on hor way out, collided with a vision In a pongco duster, roso-colored chiffon vail, cham ois gloves, and plumed hat. Miss Blancho LoHayo had made tho most of hor eleven minutes. Hor baggngo nt- tended to, Emma McChesnoy climbed into a hotel bus. It boro no othor pas sengers. From hor cornor in tho vehicle sho could sec tho quoon of burlesquo standing In tho center of tho dopot platform, surroundod by her company. It was a tawdry, mlsorablo, almost tragic group, tho men undor-slzed, bo diamonded, tholr skulls oddly shaped. their clothes a satire on tho fashions for mon, tholr chins unshaven, tholr looso lips curved contentedly ovor cig arettes; tho women dreadfully uureal with tho pitiless light of tho early morning Bun glaring down on their be dizened faces, tholr spotted, garish cloths, their run-down heels, their vivid veils, tholr matted hair. Thoy woro quarreling among themselves, and a llamo of hato for tho moment lighted up thoso dull, stupid, vicious faces. Blancho LoIInye appcarod to be tho center about which tho strlfo waged, for suddenly sho Hung through tho shrill group and wnlked swiftly ovor to tho bus and climbed into it heavily. Ono of tho women turned, hor faco livid boneath tho paint, to scream a great oath after hor. The bus driver climbed into his seat and took up tho rolns. After a moment's indecision tho little group on tho plat form turned and trailed off down tho street, tho women Bagging. under tho weight of their bags, tho mon, for tho most part, hurrying on ahead. Whon tho bus lurched past them tho woman who had screamed tho oath nftor Blaucho LoHayo laughod shrilly and mado a faco, liko a naughty child, whereupon tho othorB laughed In fal setto chorus. A touch of roal color Bhowod in Blancho Lollayo's flabby chook. "I'll show'm," sho snarled. "I'll ahow'm I ain't no doad ono yet. That hussy of a Zolla Dacro thlnkln' she can got ray part away from mo when I ain't lookln'. I wised abo was gottln' too sweet to mo tho last week or so, tho lyln' BuoaTt. I'll Bhow'm a leadlu' lady's a leadln' lady. Lot om go to their hash hotels. I'm goln' to tho real inn in this town Just to lot 'om know that I got my dignity to koop up, and that I don't havo to mix In with acum liko that You soo that thoro?" Sho point ed at something in tho street. Emma I McChesnoy turned to look. Tho cheau lithographs of the Ham Levin Cracker jack Belles company glared at one from tho bill-boards. "That's our paper," explained Blancho LoHayo. "That's me, In the ppntnp nf tlin liilnnli U'lth thn nlnk n-olns In my hands, drlvin' that four-in- hand of Johnnies. Hot stuff! Just lot Dacro try to get It away from me, that's all. I'll Bhow'm." Sho sank back Into her corner. Her anger left her with tho suddenness characteristic of her type. "Ain't this heat fierce?" sho fretted. Now, Emma McChesnoy was a broad minded woman. Tho scars that she had received In hor ten years' battle with business reminded her to bo ten dor at sight of tho wounds of others. But now, as sho studied tho woman huddled thoro In tho corner, sho was conscious of a shuddering disgust of hor of tho soiled blouse, of tho cheap finery, of tho sunken places around tho Jaw-bone, of the swollen places bo noath tho eyes, of tho thin, carmlncd lips, of the Blancho Lollnyo oponed her eyes suddenly and caught tho look on Emma McChosnoy's face. Caught It, and com prehended it. Her oyes nnrrowed, and sho laughed shortly. "Oh, I dunno," drawled Blanche Lo Hayo. "I wouldn't go's far'B that, kid. Say, when I was your ago I didn't plan to bo no bum burlcsquer neither. I was going to bo an actress, with a farm on Long Island, liko tho rest of 'em. Every real abtress has got a farm on Long Island, If it's only there In tho mind of tho press agent. It's a kind of a rollglon with 'em. I was goln' to build a houso on mlno that was goln' to bo a cross between a Cnllfomla bungalow and tho horticul tural building nt tho world's fair. Say, I ain't tho worst, kid. Thoro's othors outside of my Bmear, understand, that I wouldn't change places with." A dozen npologlcs surged to Emma McChosnoy's lips Just ns the driver drow up at tho curbing outside tho hotel and Jumped down to open tho door. Sho found herself hoping that tho hotel clerk would not class hor with hor companion. At 11 o'clock that morning Emma McChesnoy unlockod her door and walked down tho red-carpeted hotel corridor. Sho had had two hours of restful sleop. Sho had bathed, and breakfasted, and donned clean clothes. Sho had brushed tho cinders out of her hair, and manicured. She felt as alert, and cool and refreshed as oho looked, which speaks well for her comfort. Halfway down tho hall a bedroom door stood open. Emma McChesnoy glanced In. What alio saw mado her stop. Tho noxt moment sho would havo hurried on, but tho figure within called out to hor. Miss Blancho LeHnyo had got into hor kimono again. Sho was slumped in a dejected heap in a -Hair beforo tho window. Thero was a tray, with a bottlo and somo glasses on tho table by her sido. "Gawd, ain't it hot!" sho whined miserably. "Como on In a mlnuto. I left tho door open to catch tho breeze, but there ain't any. You look liko a peach just oft tho ico. Got a gont frlond in town?" "No," answered Emma McChesnoy hurriedly, and turned to go. "Walt, a mlnuto," Bald Blancho Lo Hayo, sharply, and roso. Sho slouched over to where Emma McChesnoy stood and looked up at her sullenly. "Why!" gasped Emma McChesnoy, In tho back yard, and fool with tho dog, aud act liko a human bolng for one day. After you'vo been on tho road for ten years a real Sunday din ner in a real homo has got Shorry'a flossiest efforts looking liko a- picnic collation with nuts in tho plo. You'ro coming with mo, moro for my sake than for yours, becauso tho thought of you sitting hero, liko this, would eour tho day for mo." Blancho Lellayo's Angora woro pick ing at tho pin which fastened hor gown, Sho smiled, uncertainly. "What's your gamo?" sho Inquired. "I'll wait for you downstairs," said Emma McChesney, pleasantly. "Do you ovor havo any luck with caramel Icing? Ethel's and mlno nlwaya curdles." "Do I?" yelled tho queen of bur lesqno. "I invented it." Aud sho was down on her knees, her Angers fum bling' with tho lock of her suitcase. Only an Ethol Morrlssey, Inured to tho weird workings of humanity by years of shrewd skirt and suit buying, could havo stood tho test of having a Blancho LeHayo thrust upon her, an unexpected guest, and with tho wom an across tho street sitting on hor front porch taking It all In. At tho door "This Is Miss Blancho LeHayo of the er Simon " -'Snm Levin Crackerjack Belles?' put In Miss LoHayo. "Pleased to meet you." "Como in," said Miss Ethel Morrls sey, without butting an eye. "I Just phoned tho hotel. Thought you'd gono back on me, Emma. I'm baking a cara mel cake. Don't slam tho door. This your Arst visit hero, Miss LoHayo? Ex cuso mo for not shaking hands. I'm all flour. Lay your things in there. Ma's spending tho day with Aunt Gus at Forest City and I'rri tho whole works around here. It's got skirts and suits boat a mile. Hot, ain't it? Say, sup pose you girls slip off your waists and I'll glvo you each an all-over apron that's looso and lets tho breeze slldo around." Blancho LeHaye, tho garrulous, was strangely ailent. When sho stepped about It waa in tho manner of ono who is fearful of wakening a sleeper. When she caught the eyes of either of the other women her own glnnco dropped. When Ethel Morrlssey came in with tho' blue-nnd-whito gingham aprons Blancho LoHayo hesitated a long mln uto boforo picking hers up. Then sho hold it by both alcoves and looked at it long and curiously. Whon she looked up again sho found tho eyes of the othor two upon her. Sho slipped tho apron ovor her head with a nervous Httlo laugh. "I'vo been a pair of pink tights so long," sho said, "that I guess I've al most forgotten, how to bo a woman. But once I get this on I'll bet I can como back." Sho proved It from tho moment that she measured out tho Arst cupful of brown sugar for the caramol Icing. Sho shed her rings, and pinned her hair back from her forehead, and tucked up her sleeves, and as Emma McChesnoy watched hor a jesolvo grew In her mind. Tho cake disposed of "Give mo somo potatoes to peel, will you?" said Blancho LoHayo, suddenly. "Glvo 'em to mo In a brown crock, with a chip out of tho sido. There's certain things always goes hnnd-ln-hand in your mind. You can't think of ono without tho other. Now, Lillian Russell and Hayo finished for her. "I used to. I've got ovor that. Now all I ask Is to got a laugh when I kick tho comedian's hat off with my too." "But thoro must havo been a timo " Insinuated Emma McChesney. gently. Blancho LoHayo grinned broadly at tho two women who woro watching hor bo intently. "I think I ought to tell you," sho bo gan, "that I never was a minister's daughter, and I don't remember over havln' been deserted by my aweot heart when I was young and trusting. If I was to draw a picture of my llfo it would look liko ono of thoso charts that tho weather bureau gots "out ono of thoso high and low barometer things, nil uphill and downhill liko a chain of mountains In a kid's geogra phy." Sho shut her oyes and lay back In tho depths of tho leather-cushioned chair. Tho threo sat in silonco for a moment. "Look horo," said Emma McChes noy, suddenly, rising and coming over to tho woman in tho big chair, "that's thfir homo Is ono of tho kind whera tho rubberneck auto stops while the spieler tells tho crowd who lives there, nnd ltow ho made his money. But they haven't any kida, Len told mc. Ho'a crazy about 'om. But his wlfo don't want any. 1 wish you could havo seen Leu's faco when ho was talking about It." Sho dropped the gingham apron in a circlo at her feet, and Bteppod out of It. Sho walked ovor to whero her own clothes lay In a gaudy heap. "Exit tho gingham. But it's beer great." Sho paused beforo slipping hor skirt over her head. Tho alienee of tho othor two women seemed to anger her a little. "I guess you think I'm a bad one, clear through, don't you? Well, I ain't I don't hurt anybody but my self. Len'a wife thnt's what I call bad." "But I don't think you'ro bad clear BUILDING "CASTLES IN AIR" Proceeding That Seems Foolish, If Not Reprehensible, to Some, May Readily Be Explained. Thoso who build castles In tho air aro occasionally spoken of by more, mnttor-of-fact persons with brutal and noisy derision, but oftonor with a kind of tender pity which thoy find, not un justifiably, far moro exasperating. It Implies bo comploto a misunderstand ing of tho builders' frame of mind. Thoy aro supposed to llvo In n valo of disappointments, but If thoy bo out nndout workmen with a lovo of tholr nrt thoy do, In fact, nothing of tho' kind. Long before ono cnstlo has actually fallen, sometimes ovon before so much as a telltnlo crack has ap peared In tho walls, they aro planning tho foundations of nnothor on a larger and moro gorgeouB scale. When tho through," cried Emma McChesnoy. "I i .cash ultimately comes It 13 unheard, don't. That'B whv I mado that nrono- for tno din of cranes and hammera al- sltlon to you. ,That'a why I want you to get away from all this, and start over again." I ready aro hard at work again. We havo It on Sam Wellor's authority that to take to building houses ls "a med ical term for bolng incurable." And very fortunately that 1b, a fortiori, still moro true of castlos. It is not, however, this Implication of a llfo mndo up of dlsillusionments that is tho most difficult to boar. Bather it is tho rurgestion that thoso who Indulge in day dreams aro so besotted as to bo llcvo that they will all of them como true. This is at once a Blur on their Intelligence aud on their ability to play (their own gamo properly; it shows that tho sympathetic and stupid crea tures who make it could nover acquire the rudiments of tho gamo if they ! woro to try for a thousand years. As long as tho player is trammeled by I doubts and wonderings whether any- thing so beautiful could over really bo ! fall him, ho must almost of necessity I curb his fancy and turn sadly back 1 from some glorious flight; but, onco ho has as much as half admitted to himself that he Is moving in tho realms ' of fantasy, ho can soar away to heights unknown. Putting altogether on ono side tho de light that they glvo in tho making, it may well bo a question Whether any material profit is to bo derived from castles in the air. They Walked With Her to the Front Porch, Making Talk as They Went. . . . l,.j..... rS,MI.. .vvVVvk A v flfcmHM!HMl.treiWi&ag2afr. il 'lull WMMKUEMmmmmmr'wmwfsm III 1 fill IHhIBBB lllllili liBBSKllijmHHH (mi in -KmimmKmsiimff miiimmmy II lllillPiBSJiBPW II WU M ' 'hZ'SJMffltfaWi.TS?KUJfcSl J?5Z-'-Z5t' jc UUIiliM Rumpled, Shapeless Figure of Miss Blanche LeHaye. aud involuntarily put out hor hand, "why my dear you'vo been crying I Is thero " "No, thero ain't I can bawl, can't I, it I am a bum burlesquer?" Sho put down tho squat llttlo glass sho had in her hand nnd stared resentfully at Emma McChosnoy's cool, fragrant frosbnoss, "Say," sho demanded suddenly, "whatja moan by lookln' at mo tho way you did this morning, h'm? What ja mean? You got a norvo turnln' up your noso at mo, you have. I'll Just hot you ain't no hotter than you might bo, neither. What the" Swiftly Emma McChesnoy crossed tho room and closed tho door. Then oho camo back to whoro Blancho Lo Hayo stood. "Now listen to mo," sho said. "You shod that purplo kimono of yours and hustlo into somo clothes and como along with mo. I mean it. Whonovor I'm anywhero near this town I mako a jump and Sunday horo. I'vo a friond hero named Morrlasey Ethol Morrlssoy and bIio'b tho biggest-hearted, most understanding friond that a woman ovor hnd. She's skirt and suit buyer at Barkor & Flak's horo. I havo a standing invitation to spond Sunday at hor houso. Sho knows I'm coming. I help get dlnnor It I fool liko it, and wash my hair if I want to, and sit out cold cream is ono; and now potatoes and brown crocks is nnothor." She peoled potatoes, sitting hunched up on tho kitchen chair with her high heols caught back of tho top rung. Sho chopped spinach until hor faco waa scarlet, and hor hair hung in limp strands at tho back of hor nock. Sho skinned tomatoes. Sho scoured pans. Sho wiped up tho whlto oilcloth tablo top with a capable and soapy hand. Tho heat and bustlo of tho llttlo kitch en seemed to work somo miraculous chango In her. Her oyoa brightened. Hor lips smiled. Onco, Emma Mc Chesney and Ethol Morrlssey ox changed covort lookB when they heard her crooning ono of those tuneless chants that womon hum whon thoy wring out dishcloths in soapy wator. After dlnnor, in tho cool of tho sitting-room, with tho shadoa drawn, and their skirts tucked halfway to their knoea, things looked propitious for thojt first stroke in tho plan which had worked Itself out in Emma McChos noy's alert mind. Sho caught Blancho LoIIayo'a oyo, and smiled. "This boats burlesquing, doesn't it?" sho said. Sho loaned forward a bit In hor chair. "Toll rao, Miss LoHayo, haven't you ovor thought of quitting that tho stago and turning to some thingsomething " "Something decent?" Blancho s- not tho llfo for a woman liko you. I can get you a place in our office not much, perhaps, hut something decent something to start with. If you " "For that matter," put in Ethel Mor rlssey, quickly, "I could got you some thing right hero in our store. I've been thero long enough to have somo say-so, and If I recommend you they'd start you in the basement at first, and then, if you mado good, they'd ad vance you right along." Blancho LoHayo stood up and, twist ing her arm around at the back, began to unbutton her gingham apron. "I guess you think I'm a bad ono, don't you? Well, maybe I am. But I'm not tho worst. I'vo got a brother. Ho lives out West, and he's rich, and married, and respectable. You know tho way a man can climb out of the mud, whllo a woman Just can wado out of It? Well, that's tho way It was with ub. HIa wife's a regular society bug. She wouldn't admit that there was any, such truck as mo, unless, maybo, the Municipal Protective loaguo, or something, of her town, got to waging a war against burlesquo shows. I hadn't seen Len that'B my brothei" lu years and years. Then ono night in Omaha, I gllmmcd him sitting down in tho B. H. row. His faco just seemed to rise up at me out of tho au dience. Ho recognized me, too. Say, men aro all alike. What they see in a dingy, half-fed, ignorant bunch like ub, I don't know. But tho mlnuto a man goes to Cleveland, or Pittsburgh, or somowhero on business he'll hunt up a burlesquo show, and what's moro, ho'U enjoy it. Funny. Well, Len wait ed for mo after tho show, and wo had a talk. Ho told mo his troubles, and I told him somo of mlno, and whon we got through I wouldn't havo swapped with him. His wlfo a a wonder. She s climbed to tho top of tho ladder in hor town. And she's pretty, and young looking, and a regular swell. Len says MANY MEN WHO STAY YOUNG But Women, Taken as a Whole, Sur pass the Maccullne Sex In Ward ing Off Age. I noticed an advertisement whllo riding on a train recently which an nounced clothing "for young men nnd mon who stay young." That struck mo as at very catchy sort of an an nouncement, and after thinking It over I decided that thorp woro a good many moro men who stay young now than thero wero somo years ago. Thero was a time when mon of fifty and ovor folt incumbont on themselves to dross and act as though they woro old, a writer in tho New London Day says. Nowadays, many of thoso who havo passed that milestone In llfo'a pllgrlmago refuse to bo oia as long an thoy feel young, and thoy wear cloth ing that expresses tholr feelings, and got as much fun out of living na many who started their careers many years lator, . , . PnMinna ono reason that some men do not grow old quicker nowadays is tho fact that conditions that govern labor aro much different than thoy used to bo. Thoro has been a vory raatorlal shortening up of hours and much greater opportunity ls afforded for rest and recroatlon. Of courso somo mon do not improve tholr chances aB thoy should, but tnoro is less proD ability of being prematurely broken down by hard labor than thoro was when tho number of hours that con stituted a working day was larger. Whon it comes to keoplng young, howovor, tho mon aro not In it with tho gentler sex. Grandmothers nowa days dress younger than womon of "Mo?" laughed Blanche LoHayo. "Mo! In a office! With ledgers, and salo bills, and accounts, and ajl that stuff! Why, girls, I couldn't hold down a job In a candy factory. I ain't got any intelligence. I nover had. You don't And women with brains In a burlesque troupe. If they had 'em Is Tobacco a Drug? An interesting caso of splitting hairs has arisen in Ireland in tho administration of tho national Insur ance act as to whother tobacco is a drug, a necessity or a luxury, all three views being taken by different authori ties, says London Tit-Bits, it appears that the superintending medical offi cer ot the Dublin district recommend ed that a consumptive patient coming under tho provisions of tho act bo civen tobacco for smoking to comfort him In his last days, offering to pay ! for the weed himself, but tho insur 1 anco committee decided that the to bacco wns necessary to tho patient's treatment and sent in the bill to tho ! insurance commissioners. Two weeks I Intn. fVirt Inrtnl nil fVlorlHoa rPnoltJoH fl thoy wouldn't bo thero. Why, we're ,, , ' , .inmn.wiinn. n explanation of their action in charging the dumbest, most ignorant bunch thoro is. Most of us are just hired girls, dressed up. That's why you find tho Woman's Uplift union having such a blamed hard timo savin' souls. The souls they try to sfivo know just enough to be wise to tho fact that they couldn't bold down a Avo-per-week Job. Don't you feel sorry for me. I'm doing tho only thing I'm goqd for." the government with a shllling'a worth of tobacco. Their reply was that to bacco wtfa recognized as a drug in the British codex under tho title of ;ilco tlana tabaclum and that it had been prescribed by a registered practitioner. Thereupon tho commissioners consult ed learned K. C.'s and they aro still wrestling with tho subject. Mean- Emma McChesnoy put out her hand. whlIo tbo patlcnt la dead, tho tobacco "I'm sorry." sho said. "I only meant I has been smoke( an(i tho expense of it for "Why, of course," agreed Blancho LeHaye, heartily. "And you, too." Sho turned bo that her broad, good-natured smile Included Ethel Morrlssey. "I'vo had a whalo of a timo. My fingers are all stained up with new potatoes, and my nails ia full of strawberry juice, and I hope it won't come off for a week. And I want to thank you both. I'd liko to stay, but I'm going to hump over to tho theater. That Dacre's got the nervo to swlpo tho star's dressing room if I don't get my trunks in first." They walked with her to tho front porch, making talk as they wont. Re sentment and discomfiture and a sort of admiration all played across tho faces of tho two womon, whoso kind ness had mot with rebuff. At tho foot of tho steps Blancho LeHaye, prima donna of tho Sam Lovln Crackerjack Belles turned. "Oh, say," sho called, got. I want to toll you that it you wait until your caramel is off tho stovo, and then add your butter, when tho stufi'B hot but not boilln' it won't lump so. H'm? Don't mention it." the disputation has already reached a hundred timo3 tho cost of tho original tin of shag. half century ago, and thoy take inter est in tho cnjoyablo things of llfo quite as strongly as thoso who are younger. I'm glad to see that tendency. Ono might Just as well enjoy life as to re fuse tho privilege becauBO a certain ago has been reached. Thero 1b, ol course, such a thing as going to an oxtremo, but people as a wholo ara moro sensible than somo of tho critics are" willing to admit Telegrapher's Cramp. It was said by a delegate to tha recent congress of tho International Federation of Postal and Telegraph Sorvants that telegrapher's cramp ia increasing in England at an alarming rato. Tho increase ls attributed to tho system of speeding up which has been Introduced Into telegraphic service. Tho committee of Inquiry found that tho dlseaso is seated in tho central nervouB system and 1b a woakenlng or breakdown of tho cerebral mechanism In consequence of muscular strain. A telegrapher Buffering from tho malady in an advancod stago can ex. pect no cure unless ho or sho ls re moved completely from tho service. Tho forearm, hand and ngera becoma numb and ceaso to auawer to th nervea and muscles. In somo casei tho power to hold a knlfo and fork la lost. Up-to-Dato Storekeeper. Selling delicatessen a prosaic occifc pation, At only for fat mon of Teutonic extraction? Nonsense! Not whllo tin buslnoss or art or profession contain! mon Hko tho Now York storokoopei who has put ovor his placo a big sign rending "Culinary Art Snecialtles " Hlo First Thought. A well-known athlete says that on entering a Turkish bath ono night he found a stranger struggling in tho swimming pool. Thero was nobody near, and tho man waa evidently un ablo to swim, having jumped in prob ably without ascertaining whether tho water would be above his head. Tho athleto swam to tho assistance of tho struggling man. Grasping him by the hair, ho towed him to tho side of tho tank and assisted , him to hang on until ho recovered his breath. What wero tho first words uttered by tho rescued ono? Did ho stammer out thanks to his humau preserver? No. The human mind is a curious af fair. As tho half drowneu man aims "I almost for-' sled back to consciousness memories of an old Jest seemeu 10 mi imuu&u his brain, for ho said: "Lucky for mo I wasn't bald headed!" 7 No Loafing Allowed. A well-known theatrical manager, moro famous if possible for tho "breaks" ho made than for his many successes, attending tho rehearsal of one of hlB plays, noticed that a man In tho audience who had to play the trombone was holding tho Instrument in front of him nnd doing nothing. Mr. Stetson at onco called him to account. "Say," said he, "what do you mean by not working along with tho other fellows?" , "Why Mr. Stetson," said tho musi cian, "I can't play; I havo 10 bars rest" .. , ,, . "Not on your lire!" repiieu urn uu v manager. "I don't pay anyone for .i mnnnfflP. resting. Either you play whon tho othor fellows do, or you clear out. See?" Surgery In the Air. Sitting astride a steol beam on tho highest section of a now theater under construction a doctor rocontly chloro formed a structural ironworker, and snapped into place tho bones ot a dis located shoulder. When the accident occurred tho workman was loft help less, ns both arms wero disabled, and thero was no means of descent except a series ot ladders. Tho doctor re moved his hat, coat and vest, and be gan the dangerous ascont A workman followed with tho doctor's surgical caso. After tho operation tho work man waa nblo to mako his way down tho ladder aud was tnkon to his home. Decrease In Hydrophobia. Since tho founding of the Pasteui institute In Paris, thero has been a stondy decline In tho number of cases I of hydrophobia, none at all ociurlng Boino years. ' i v s L - -. wAi