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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (April 10, 1897)
12 _ THE OMAHA DAILY BEE : SATUIIDAY , APHID 10 , 1897. A MODERN PARRHASIUS. Jly FRANCIS LYNDE. ( CopyrlBht , 1857 , ty S. 8. McClure Co. ) It was my first visit to the Leonards after they lifld removed from New York to Ilrank- vllle , and my eccentric friend had been showing mo nn ingeniously contrived elec trical apparatus by means of which ho could , without leaving his desk , see and hear every thing thnt went on In the sitting room be- low. Leonard Is a novelist , nnJ his hobby IB a study of llfo from models. j ! "What do you think of thnt for n Bchcmo ? " ho enld , prldefully. "I call It my automatic human analyzer. It's Helen's Idea , and It's a brilliant one. When I want to study any particular Urankvllle type she tolls the subject to the house to a tea-fight , or a seylng circle , or something of that sort , nnil I can sit hero and dissect It nt my klsurc. Isn't It greit ? " "It la the most Ingeniously ahonilnnblo thing I ever heard of , " I ventured to say. "I don't deny that , " replied Leonard ; "but necessity knows no Inw. I've got to have models If I have to spend the last shred of self-respect In the family buying them. But Juot now I'm In a fix. I've conic to a chap ter In the now novel where nn Insight Into the personality of a burglar Is a sheer ne cessity , and I don't know what to do. Uur- glars nro not kept on draft in Drankvlllc , and Helen can't help me with a tea party. " "Why don't you go to Slug Sing and study thorn en bloc ? " "You don't understand ; that wouldn't do at all. A burglar centos to he a burglar when he becomes a convict. I've got to i , have the chemically pure article for my , purpose. " i "Then go to the city and Investigate him | In his native lair. " Leonard shrugged his shoulders , not with out contempt. "Suggestion Isn't your forte , i ' I might aa well study a lot of lay figures i In a cjclorama with a policeman for a lec turer. No ; I've got to gel n specimen and analyze It , and I'll bo hanged It I know how to do It. " 1 laughed. "Why don't you put an 'ad' ' In the papcio : 'Wanted A burglar , to . spend a short vacation In a country house at IlrankvllIe-oti-the-Hudton whllo he Is beIng - ; Ing taken apart and put together again. , Must bo an adept In his profession. Terms liberal. ' " , With his usual obtuseness , I conard did j not seem to00 ( anything humorous In the j suggestion , On the contrary , ho appeared i to take It seriously ; and when his wife called i us to dinner a few minutes later ho said , i thoughtfully : j "Say , Tom , you're not so confoundedly an- 5 ecrnlnc as you look. Let's go down and | cat on that last idea of youis. " f A week later I had a telegram from Leon- 5 ard. f "Como up , " he paid ; "the B problem { to solved , and I want you to IntcrvUw | me. " I < I went on the afternoon train , wiring him I I that I must return at once ; and he met , f me at the station. I * "Good boy ! " he said , shaking hands. | "Pinched for time ? " \ I nodded. "All right ; you can do It In fifteen min utes , and catch the next train to the city , If you have to. " "Do what ? " "Why , Interview me , of course. Didn't you read my message ? " In view of the fact that Leonard had kept up a running light with the Interviewers ever slnco the early dawn of his little day of popularity as a novelist , the request was qulto In keeping with his other eccentrici ties , and I knew the Dally Monograph would . bo glad to have him make his first exception In Its favor. I "Go ahead , " said I , with pencil suspended. "What shall I say ? " i "Anything or nothing about my work , but you must pile It on thick when It comes to the personalities. Make me out the big gest fool of a crank you can Invent , and wind up with a paragraph on my abnormal fear of losing the million or so dollars my book has earned. Say that I'm too Idiotic , ally cautious to Invest it ; say It's reported that I keep It In a burglar-proof safe In my bedroom. " "Uut you don't do anything of the sort ! " I . I protested , Whereupon ho cut In Im- L patiently : "Gioat heavens , man ! do you have lo he hit with a club ? Can't you see what I'm , driving at ? You ought to It's your own 1 suggestion , with a little necessary revision. " I wrote the Interview while he waited , I and he read It after the down train had whistled. "That will bring me my burglar. If any thing will , " ho said , returning the note book. "Don't you think so ? " "I hope It will. And I also hope that Mr. Michael Horrlgan , or Hon. Patsy McGonlgle , or whatever his name may chance to bo , will scare the foolishness out of you on the model question for a twelve-month " "Thanks ; but If you've any sympathy to eparo keep It for the other fellow. I'm loaded for bear grizzly bear , at that , " said , < Leonard , confidently , as I boarded the train. "Goodby ; If you happen to think of any thing thntill make It stronger , put It In. " for a fortnight nothing came of the In terview , save a combined attack or other In terviewers upon the outworks of Castle Kri'uklcy , ns Leonard called his small arch- 4 Itcctural folly In llrankvllle. In the mean- ' i tlmo. however , the 'IJrankvllllans began to i wonder-why their "eccentric genius" did not | , use the arc light which he had wired Into i * the cottage at no little expense. Just why ' 'ho ' wanted an arc light at all when the houiu was already aglow nightly with Incan descent globes , no ono could guess ; but by this tlino Leonard's vagaries , which wore many , were beginning to go unquestioned. But ono curious thing which fcmlnliia BrankvUlc remarked was that Helen Leon- ' I'INNUD TO THE PILLOW , WAS A NOTE. ard was growing nlngulaily nervous and distrait , and It concerned Itself vainly to discover the cause. The truth ot this mat ter was that Iooiiaid had taken bis ulfu Into his confidence , perforce , In Iho affair of the burglar quttit , and her courage was not qulto equal tn her convictions. "O , Harvey , let us give It up and run away ! " elio pleaded cno evening , when they \\rre dlscucvlng U In the study. "This euspento U too hideously terrlf > lng to live with. IJvery time. I hear a noise In the night I Imagine all sort ) of dreadful thlngt happening 'In your room. " "You pap go If you want to1 said Leonard ; "I told you you'd better at first. Uut I've got to ult U out and catch my man ; I can't write another line without a burglar. " "If you stay I shall , ' rejoined Helen , with forloui-hopo fortitude. "I shouldn't mind U BO much If he'd only como quickly and have U over with ; It's the suspense that's so tryIng - Ing to one's nerves. Are you sure the ap paratus will work when the time comes ? ' ' Leonard smiled grimly. "I'd be sorry to btvo tu use It ; I'd lote my specimen , and I'm afraid we'd hnvp a corpaa to dlcposo of , " "IJbnbhi ) " said' Helen , "It's fairly grue some to hear you talk about It. Mn l you go on ? Can't jou get vtbat you waut out of the liQoki for thU onto ? " ' "Yes , I can ie d up anil paraphrase what some other luckier fellow has i-ald , I vuppcac , but that wouldn't he art. No ; 1'vo got to lifivo my model , and the sooner ho turns up the better for all concerned. Now. that you spcak of It , though , the suspense Is a bl trying. " It was about this time that Macarthur o the Sunday Ream asked me how I had man ngcd to screw on Interview out of Leonard a direct question which I evaded by saylni that the rising young author was a persona friend of mine. "That's too old , " said Maearthtir , 'but I'l forgive you It you'll tell me how I can get i chance at him for the Itcam. You have hai your scoop out of him , and you ought to hi neighborly. " "flo and sec him , as I did. " "Then It wasn't a fake ? " "Tho Dally Monograph doesn't prln fakro. " "No , I suppose not. Hut do you mean t tell mo that all that claptrap about hi money matters la true ? " "I wrote the Interview myself. " "Then your friend la a fool , , as well a a lunatic. Why , ' man , It's a straight out open bid for a burglary any night In th week ! " 'i. > ' < : "I'crhlpa that Is What Leonard wants. 1'n told ho Is KlvCii" to studying odd types in a It rs a hobby of It , they My , " Macarthur whipped out his notebook. "Dors , eh ? That's good for a stickful or two. You won't tell me how to get at him7' ' "I can't. " "All right. He'll miss rome more good advertising , that's all. Uut It I ever do gel a crack at lilpi I'll make him ulsh ho hadn'i colil-Hlionlderfil' the craft , and you can tcl him so when you BOO him. " Leonard was In the city the next day , nnil I did tell him- ' after ho had bored me'pit' ' Icisly , about the failure of lil.i burglar trap. "Who Is Macjfrtliur ? " ho queried. "I don' remember any "such man on the 'Ream. " "He's a new man from Chicago ; a stockyv thick-sot Irishman , with a bad Jaw and a sharp-pointed pen. If ho ever turns up In Drankvlllo you'di better be civil to him Otherwise he'll abuse you like a pickpocket. ' Leonard mnrto'a .memorandum of the niunt and description. " "If Mr. tyaearthur ever turns up with his Intcrrogatloij Ujblnt , I'll entertain him on the front door step , " he said , viciously , "They've been making my life a Uantcan misery ever since you printed that Interview. Earring yourself , no newspaper fiepd ever sees the Inside of Castle Krcaklcy , not I" I know It. " ' Leonard's errand In town was to get mete to bait the burglar trap afresh , and when It was done ho took a late train home. I'i3lcn met him at the door of the cottage , and for a sensible young woman who looked upon the world through calm gray eyes that mir rored self-popsesalon she was perilously near the verge of hysteria. "O , Harvey ! " she gasped , "I'm so glad you've come ! I've been ready to faint for fear you'd stay In the city over night ! " Leonard's prescience snapped Into pcsitlon llko a piece of automatic mechanism. "Then ho haw como ? " he broke In eagerly , "How do you know ? " "I have seen him , " asserted Helen , "not once but n dd en times. Ho has been up and down the street and through the alley , prying and staring until I could have shrieked , Ho Is such n terrible looking vil lain worse than anything you ever saw on the stage. " "Good , " said Leonard , warming genially at the firs of cnthu&IaMU. "I hope you didn't do anything to scare him off. " "Scare him ! I didn't dare show my face at a window. O , please , ISarvey , dear , give it up and ring for a policeman. " "Give It up. when I have only to press the button ? Never ! " enld Leonard , heroic ally ; "not If I have to but glvo me soar- thing to cat , and then tell mo what he looks like. " The cottnge was ablaze with light from hall to kitchen , but iHelen clung nervously to her husband's arm all the way to the cozy dining room. There she regained some , measure of composure ; and having turned the switches on the electric blazer and the tea maker..she ; described .the prowler whllo Leonard listened and absently buttered his bread with salad drctslug. "Heavy-set and broad-shouldered , " he mused ; "that , means 'plenty of vitality and a consequent absence of sensibility. I'll have to keep the electrodes moist to make sure. What else- did you observe ? " "I couldn't observe anything for sheer terror. His face was simply appalling ; I never saw anything llko It. not even In the newspaper pictures. " "That's great , " said Leonard ; "this is worth waiting for. Ho Is evidently a per fect type , and If I can once get him safely under the magnifier I'll draw you a picture of a villain that'll make you gasp. " "As If I hadn't been gasping all afternoon ! " retorted' Helen , reproachfully. "After the lights arc out and I have lost sight of you I shall die a hundred deaths a mlnuto till I know you are safe. " "That will be wholly unnecessary , " re joined Leonard , as giavely as If she had proposed it by way of a counter Irritant. "I shall muillo the bell In your room , and you can rest perfectly easy until It rings. The first tap will mean that ho Is some where In the house ; the second that he Is In my room ; with the third the lights will go on , and at the fourth you will know that I have him. " He looked at his watch and rose froin the table. "It's nearly 10 o'clock and time to clear the decks. We mustn't keep him waiting too long ; he might get discouraged and go away , you know. " Five minutes later Helen klraed h r hus ' band goo : ! night , much as she 'might have taken leave of him on the steps of a gal lows. When. , sno had gone , and Leonard heard the bolt click on the Infatde. of her bedroom clpqr , " Ifb realized that she had something lets of the artistic fervor to sus tain her than he had. Then pity was swal lowed up by enthusiasm , and he made his preparations for the burglar's reception as ' carefully aa an astronomer about to take an observation the time for ulilch would not recur for anpthe'r generation. First ho unfastened all the windows on the ground floor and left the front door ajar. Then he put opaque shades on ono ot the Incandcsrt-nt globes In the hall and two more In tbo parlor and dining room , so that when the other lights were turned ofT a dim twilight pervaded the lower story. This done , hfi dampened the matting In his bedroom tllUJt/ellstuned with a dull metal lic luster under the shadc.l lamp , and sponged the front and top of a small steel pafo which stood between the win dows. The , preliminaries arranged , he stripped to his shirt nnd trousers and by down under the coverlet on tlie Led , with his flnpera touching a kejjtward of rlcctilc buttons cun ninety hidden "honcAth the pillow , and set tled hlmclf to wait with \\lmt enng frold there was In hjui. In all hl Imaginings of the culminating inoment In his pnn ! ho had entirely Ignored ' the factor of''peiBonal unherolsm ; but after a tonne half hoar of oiispcn.io he began to realize this , tbo , Would have to bo reckoned with , 4. It Is ono thing to bo heroic by proxy In the ' perennn of olio's puppets en paper , and qulto another to fare actual batteries of double- thottctl BUDS , with llfsh and blood enemies u-ady to jerk the lanyards when the proper moinont arrives. Or to lie iinarinej nnd alone In an Isolated house , awaiting the In coming of a ( le.iper.ito criminal , \\iio might ho Inconsiderate enough not to listen to ex ; planations before putting the apologist out uf the running which Is much the snme thing In the ond. Loonanl came face to face with the re ality , lying there In the semi-darkness , with h'a heart drumming In a most unnerving fnelilon , and thq perspiration trickling from < every pore , making him dump and uncom fortable. The success 61 thp enterprise , nay , pceal. bly hlq life , hnng upon tinrh.inre of a critical .moment , the chance of getting speech with the robber before ht > bhould have time to commit murder. That paint safely weath ered , an * the man given to understand that JIG was wuntttl for purposes of mental and mow ) \lvlstictlon , and not vengeance , Leon ard thought he could see plain sailing be yond. Hut Vhllo the'crucial moment remained 1 In abeyance the agony of tiwpenec grew and waxed until It gave the author a'prec , ious gllcipaolbejond lute the "rccloiuof hys- Irrla a glimpse which he made tur he could ure with telling effect In some futH'9- story , If he should win through the olgbi'a adventure alive and fit. Luckily for Leonard's fortitude , which threatened more than once todesert him f entirely , the time of waiting was not greatly prolonged. The chime of the hall clock was still echoing the double stroke of the half hour after 10 when he hcnrd ono of the parlor windows go up with a nolte that was anything but creditable to the eklll of a professional housebreaker. Leonard's finger sought the button con necting with the bell In Helen's room while he waited breathlessly for a confirmation of the alarm. It did not tarry. There was a crash , as ot some ono falling over a chair , followed by a muttered Imprecation , and Leonard pressed the bell push , Now that the battle was fairly on he felt equal to anything , and he anticipated the next move of the enemy with nerves a-tlngle. That , too , came quickly. Ten seconds ends after the crash the figure of a man appeared at the open door ot the bedroom and Leonard caw that the Intruder was carrying his shoes In his hand , Stocking feet on the dampened metallic matting would simplify matters Immensely ; and the second signal went to Helen with no uncertain ring. Cautiously , and feeling his way with his free hand , the robber crept acro'a to the safe ; and when the outstretched hand came In contact with the damp metal Leonard knew that the moment had arrived. With ono touch he sent the third signal to Helen , and with another flooded the room with n glare of light from half a dozen electric lamps. The burglar gasped , dropped his shoes and fell back against the safe with many emotions struggling for simul taneous expression on bis tmbcautlful face. Leonard sat up In bed with his hand still under Iho pillow and strove to bo decently calm and matter-of-fact. "Good evening , " he said , hospitably ; 'don't bo alarmed ; you are In no danger so long as you keep perfectly quiet. If you don't , however , you are a dead man. " The robber obeyed the Injunction , though his eyes were apparently measuring the dis tance to the door in connection with the hand tinder the pillow. "Wot cr yo glvlu' us ? " ho growled , when the factor of escape seemed to have elim inated Itself from the equation. "Cold facts , " Leonard answered , affably. "In connection with the hazards of your profebsion you have doubtless become moio or less familiar with the process of electro cution , have you not ? " The burglar nodded. "I Inferred as much. Well , the matting tor grew abstruse , but his questions were always fruitful , uml Leonard encouraged them as giving Mm a BtlH deeper Insight Into the character of the type burglarious. Hence , what with acute enthusiasm on ono 1iand , and patient , If somewhat ungrasp- Ing , attention on the other , the hall clock struck 1 before Lconiird realized that what 'ho ' desired to accomplish needed not to be wrought out In a single sitting. Wherefore ho arose and made amends. "By Jove ! Thnt's 1 o'clock. I owe you an apology for keeping you up so late , though I presume In your profession you're used to bad hours. Como with mo and I'll show you where you are to sleep. " He led Ultts to a bedroom at the end of the corridor , touching electric pushes for additional light as , he vitnt along. "You'll find everything comfortable nnd cozy , I think , Mr.t Illtta ; you see , we've been expecting you for several days , Make yourself quite afcvhome , and consider your self for the tlmd bring a member of the family. Only dent ! try to get away. I sha'n't lock the door , ami , as you see , the windows are protected only 'by fly screens , but I as sure you you cotlld never get out ot hero allvo without myihelp. Good night. Touch this button whan you want to put out the lights. " The guest sald > "Oood night , " and Leon ard thought ho Burprlred the simulacrum of a satirical grin on the man's face as he closed the door , A minute later ho was giv ing Helen a circumstantial account ot what had befallen. "It worked llto n charm from beginning to end , " he concluded , with pardonable pride. "No hitches'no danger , no violence ; though I did have to give him a mild shock. Just to Illustrate the completeness of the thing. " "Oh , Harvey ! you didn't hurt him , did you ? " "Of course not ; he's too fine a specimen to be spoiled In the taking. " "And what arrangements did you make with him ? " "Just what we planned. We've had our first Munce , and ho Is to be our guest until I'm lliioiigh Investigating him. After that ho Is to bo free to go as he came. " "Thank goodness , I'm glad It's all over ! ' exclaimed Helen , gratefully ; and with this the matter rested for what was left of that eventful night. The next day chanced to bo Sunday , and It was quite late when Leonard went up : : : : i : ; THE DURGLAn RECLINED LAZILY IN THE'EASY CHAIR. under your feet Is metallic , and It forms the electrodes of a battery for which the electric light plant of Brankvllle furnishes the power. By pressing the button ( under my linger I can Ah , would you ? " Whllo Leonard was explaining , the robber crouched for a spring ; but before ho could launch himself ho fell to the floor like ono' umttten with epilepsy. Leonard was beside him In a moment. "Get up , " he said , coolly. "You're not killed. The voltage of that shock was very much less than would be required to elec trocute a man with , your vitality. I'm sorry I had to give you an object lesson , but you BCD now what you have to fear If you don't do as I tell you. " "You'ro about the rummlest customer ever [ struck , " said the man , getting cautiously ipon his feet. "Wot er yc goln1 to do with a ; eve ? " "That depends entirely upon your behavior , "or reasons which you wouldn't understand , t has become necessary for mo to know per- 'onally a gentleman of your profession. It to\i will be tractable and quiet and tell me vhat I want to know , I propose to entertain 'ou as my guest for a day or two , after which rou may go your way without reference to 'our object In coming hero tonight. " "An1 wet If I kick on all that ? " "You will bo shocked first and turned over o the police afterward. But you will be 'cosouablc , I'm sure. This house la simply a leathtrap for any ono who doesn't know It. * ou couldn't get out of It aliveIn broad day- Ight without my help or a pair of wings , t's getting late ; which will you do ? " "O , I'll como off do perch , 'f course. I In't no blooming bluffer w'en It comesjp de how down. " "I thought you'd bo sensible. Now give no your weapons , and'wo'll go upstairs. " But the burglar bad no weapons , and , what cemed still nero singular , no tpols. Leon rd marveled greatly thereat , but his guest xplalncd : "I was jlst glttln' do lay 'f do land , d' yo eo ? No iieo brlngin * de whole machine shop der wasn't gain' to bo no chance ter udo t. " "But do you usually go unarmed ? ' ! " 'Course wo docs , " replied the burglar , fith fjno Irony , "Us coves ain't no bloody luggers ; wet wo wants'Is de swag .seo ? ' Leonard promptly mads note of tbo first act In lilu diagnosis and sent Helen the nurtli and last ulgnal. "Now. then , Mr. " "Bltts , " said the mrglar , "Mr. Bltts , como with me , and we'll ako a few notes tonight , If you don't mind. Leonard led the way to his study and vheeled out an easy chair for the burglar. 'Sit down and make yourself comfortable , " said. "Do smoke " 10 . you ? Mr. Bltts admitted the fact , and Leonard usscd the cigar stand and act tied himself it his writing table. Then and there began in Inquest Into criminal methods and mo- lvci the llko of which no court room lies IVCT witnessed , and through it , all 'the burr lar reclined lazily In the cany'elialt % amok- ng contentedly and talking as fretly ad any iiveptlgator , however curious , could' wish. For an hour Leonard's pen kept even pact ilth lila queried ; but after that tbo talk be- amo less Investigative on. the part of the lost , and slightly more Inquisitive on that f the snot. As an unlettered craftsman of the guild olonloua. knowing \rtt \ ? than nothing of hlngs literary , Bltts was naturally curlouc n acquaint himself tomewuut with the do- ugs at the strange v > orld In which he had tumbled ; and his Ignorance was eo naive hat Leonard , enthusiastic to tie | Jlps on he wibject of his cilllliiK , was at Home pa lea 0 explain bis. workUs methods , Itu dim allleu and Its aclilcvefnerita , It was positively fefrpph.lng to pour such e I ream of Information Into a perfectly acuoui mind , with the at sura nee. that ft ould never find Its way 'out 'again , and eonard , w nilng ) to hie jyqrk , went Into elaila with tlu < mlnutenefs' which hu audl- or'u power of comprehension seemed to de- najid. UltU llattweii an a dull' ' man mlgh't , with pparent Interest when , 1(0 ( could uuderUad. nd with respectful attention when the mat- to escort his guest" to the breakfast room. : The door of the corridor chamber was open ; the bed had not been slept In , and the room was empty. I'lnncd. to the pillow-slip was a note In the neat handwriting ot a prac ticed penman : "Dear Mr. Leonard , " It ran. "I owe you an apology for dropping out so uncere moniously , but I' was obliged to catch an early train for the city. With many thanks ; for your hospitality , extended and Intended , I am now and always , your sincere friend , "B1TTS. " "What do you make of It ? " demanded Leonard , In a daze-/ when ho had taken the note downstairs Helen.- "O , Harvey ! can't you guess ? " she faltered. He fell Into a chair and hid his face. "I y don't have to guctw I know , " ho groaned. "Ho was no moro a burglar than I am ; It was that villain , Macarthur of the Ream. ! Has the mall como ? " It had , and Helen found the paper with ' trembling fingers. There It was , under star ing headlines , with every detail elaborated , ' and every 'Idiosyncrasy , down to a minute description of the burglar trap , made the < moat of with true journalistic thrift , not un- mlnglcd with sardonic humor. Helen read It aloud with tears In her voice ; Leonard listened and made no sign , . "Isn't It too despicably heartless ! " aho cried , at the end , and Leonard had to emllo > ' In splto of his chagrin. "I fancy that depends upon the point of view , but we'll take that ground In even- Ing-up things with Mr. Macarthur. What with this write-up , and the flham date he gave mo last night , not to speak of the wear1 and tear on my nerves In landing him , bo's left me pretty deeply In debt , But I shouldn't wonder It I could make out to pay the account before It's outlawed. On the other hand , I'm ' not so sure ho hasn't served my turn without meaning to. Ho will make a fairly good 'proxy burglar , In the absence o of the real thing. " . Leonard's figure of speech was mild , but Ji Iiln- vengeance was n.mple. When the new- novel nppeftre-d U wns ppcodlly dlscoverel that a certain young Irishman on the Sun day Ilram had peed M a model for the burglar therein. .Leonard had caught the Inspiration ot the moment , and the result was n beautiful bit of literary caricature eo true to the llfo that ho who ran might rcad > and recognize the original. .Whereupon Mscnrthur was rc- chrietcnod ' 'Bltte , " and to this day there are these who bellevo he Is a reformed burglar. GUinillO.V CI.IMI JOICKS. JIn llnvc Knti nllh IIlNllitKillnltiMl A special feature of the Gridiron club was After the distinguished company had passed from , clgnrs to tho- discussion nt Iho mellow vintage ot the VN iiiow CHquot , relates the Washington Times , the orchestra suddenly struck up the "Marseillaise , " the great French patriotic song. This was a red re publican song , but It served to Introduce to the company n number of the club ar rayed Hke the first emperor , who advanced to the presiding oflVcr's chair and demanded the gavel. The president asserted that there was no occasion for a surrender of the gavel , because his own administration had been given a vote ot confidence and his policy Indorsed. This veiled reference to the approval of Uio Cleveland administra tion and Its Indorsement by the election of McKlnley was received with great applause. "Hut , Mr. President , where do I come 111 ? " said the Napoleon. "Oh , you don't come In at all. as J can soe,1' bald the president sillily. "You see , I have put all the offices. Including my own , under the civil service. " Some sharp colloquy followed , and finally the president allowed that he was going away to shoot durks for awhile , and If the newcomer wanted to try his hand for a time at presiding ho was not unwilling. "Rut , " he added , "I know you won't like the Job , and I don't think you will succeed anyway. " The Imitation Napoleon alien took the chair , and ordered the Immediate restoration of prosperity. Henry L. West , In the ca pacity of Secretary Porter , promptly pro duced prosperity In the shape of the larg est plo ever baked In Washington , perhaps In the United States. It was four feet In diameter , and was composed of eight sep arate pieces , each of which taxed to the utmost the largest ovens of the largest bak ery In Washington. Mr. West , dressed as a porter , drew a big butcher's cleaver , and essayed to divide the prodigious pie among the guest * . Mr. Dunn protested against Mr. West as the proper functionary , he being only a clcik , and said that the pic should properly be distributed by that great leader , Senator Ilanna , whereat there was great applause. Senator Hannn promptly declined the prof fered task ot distributing this plo ; and the representative of Secretary Porter announced that , as the most competent man for the duty had declined to distribute It , the pis must be considered a free-for-all. The re sult might have been anticipated. There was a "rush for the offices , ' as they say In the newspapers. A small army of olllce- seekers appeared on the scene , bearing ban ners , the legends of some of which were : "An office for every man and a mnn for jvery ofllce , " "Ilanna Howlers , " "lluckeye Plo Eaters , " the "Prosperity Phalanx , " "Wo Want Pie" nnd various other commentaries 3ii the "tcxUof the bill. " This army , advanced to the attack , seized the literal and figurative pic and tore It to Mecca , amid the applause of these on the inside as to the significance of this allegory. Hie temporary presiding officer gave up the lob of seeing that the distribution was fairly nado when ho found after the first charge hat there wasn't enough to go around , apd ho president proper resumed the chair , ivhlle the hall rang with shouts of laughter. There was another Incident of equal slg- ilficanco and entertainment. Some time ifter the parable of the pie a member of the lub appeared , bearing a huge scroll , en- Hied the "Dlngley Tariff Bill. " He pro- cedcd across the floor with his loaded docu- ncnt. when he was challenged. "Where are you going ? " the member was iskcd. "I am Just going over to the senate with ny tariff bill , " ho replied , and went out the naln" door. , Instantly there arose without great commotion , and when the member cturncd with his bill It was In shreds , his xiats na& torn ? "and his hat was battered nto an .unrecognizable shape , recalling , the ondition of Stuart Hobson after his "first Mslt'to the Stock exchange. The member limply but eloquently "reported back to the louse , " "Mr. Speaker , I have been there. " Tliceo were only two of the many ways n which the Grldlroners gave object lessons n current politics , and the ways and means jy which a country becomes great and stays rcat under any and all circumstances. There was something exquisitely and tcenly suggestive In the exhibition of a lortrait of Senator Ilanna , Inscribed : "You an't lose me. " Made Him IIoiucNlcU. The burgler had entered the house as luletly as possible , relates the Chicago Post , jut his shoes were not padded and they nado somenoise. . Ho had just reached the door of the bed room when ho heard some one moving In ho bed , as If about to get up , and he paused. The sound of a woman's voice floated to Us ears. "If you don't take off your boots when rou come Into this house , " It said , "there's jolng to bo trouble and a whoio lot of It. Hero it's been raining for three hours and fiou dare to tramp over my carpets with your nuddy boots on. Go down elulrs and take them "off this minute. " Ho went downstairs without a word , but ie didn't take off his boots. Instead , he went itralght out Into the night again , and the 'pal" who was waiting for him saw a tear Sllsten In his eyo. "I can't rob that house , " ho said. "It re minds me lot home. " CM n NO for Aliirni. Cincinnati Enquirer : "Old man , you seem .vorrled. " "Worried Is no name for It. Brown Is com- ng around at 4 o'clock to pay mo $15. " "Think he may not corne ? " "Oh , he'll como all right ; but Jones Is duo it 4:15 : o'clock to try to collect $10 I owe ilm. Suppose ho should get hero just as I vaa being paid by Brown ? " The Point Well Tnken. Plttsburg Chronicle : "The writer's name nust accompany every communication , " said bo editor to the man who had handed In a Ittlo piece signed "Constant Reader. " "I see , " replied the man. "You don't want get the world Involved In controversy .bout the authorship of a second bnr' ' . . ' . ot unlus letters. " ANHEUSER-BUSCH BREWING Assi THE LEADING BREWERY IN THE WORLD. Brewers of the Most Wholesome and Popular Beers. Bu The MicMb Senvad on all Pullman Dining and Buffet Cars. - , Sarfved on all Wagner Dining and Buffet Cars. ' " , ! Served on all Ocean and Lake Steamers. Served In all First Class Hotels. Served In the Best Families. Served In all Fjne Clubs. The Two Gtulest Tonics , "Malt-Nntrine" and "Liquid Bread" are prepared by this Association. Some Lending Special Features. THE MINE OF INTERESTING READ ING FOR NEXT SUNDAY'S PATRONS. Bret Harte's ; < ; GJceat California Story , . "Three Partners- A story of early mining days In Ciillfonilti.-In It llrot Ilartc returns to his old stylo-Hie virile , sympathetic style which nnule his fninc.-llls characters are minor * , and , although the tides of varying fortunes flout them out Into the wider world , they come back to California In the olid a managers of large enterprises. Mixed up In the ingenious : web of the story are u number of western studle.s. Our old friend , .Tuck Uamlln , tlio gambler makes a brief , but picturesque appearance. Then there nro "Whisky DlcU" Hall ; the villainous prospector , Steptoc , and the cun ning Belgian , Paul Van Ixio. The love element of the story Is furnished by the bountiful Mrs. llorncustle , and the fair but heartless , Kitty Baker. . , i X Rays on Suicide. llejolndor from the lucid pen of X-ltays , who started the discussion on Ingei-soll's doctrine of suicide in theory and practice. The arguments , pro and con , urged in support of justifiable suicide critically and clev erly analyzed. i , > Capture of John Wilkes Booth. Miss L. II. B. Ilalloway , sister of Mrs. Garret t , In whose house President Lincoln's assassin spent the last two days of his life , gives her recollec tions of the dramatic events leading up to and immediately following the final tragedy of Booth's life. How Booth occupied himself in the Gar- re tt homo and what he said ure told by one who know and pitied him. Origin of America's First Inhabitants. The origin of America's first Inhabitants has been a mooted polnffor gen erations. The American Museum of Natural History 1ms resolved to make a thorough Investigation of this vexed question , and an expedition Is being fitted out to systematically explore the Alaskan and northeast ern Asiatic shores. Plan and occts of this great ) undertaking. gpecialgunday Departments In Woman's Domain. For the Little Folks. Music and Drama. 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