Nebraska Newspapers

    12 _ THE OMAHA DAILY BEE : SATUIIDAY , APHID 10 , 1897.
A MODERN PARRHASIUS.
Jly FRANCIS LYNDE.
( CopyrlBht , 1857 , ty S. 8. McClure Co. )
It was my first visit to the Leonards after
they lifld removed from New York to Ilrank-
vllle , and my eccentric friend had been
showing mo nn ingeniously contrived elec
trical apparatus by means of which ho could ,
without leaving his desk , see and hear every
thing thnt went on In the sitting room be-
low. Leonard Is a novelist , nnJ his hobby
IB a study of llfo from models.
j ! "What do you think of thnt for n
Bchcmo ? " ho enld , prldefully. "I call It my
automatic human analyzer. It's Helen's
Idea , and It's a brilliant one. When I want
to study any particular Urankvllle type she
tolls the subject to the house to a tea-fight ,
or a seylng circle , or something of that sort ,
nnil I can sit hero and dissect It nt my
klsurc. Isn't It greit ? "
"It la the most Ingeniously ahonilnnblo
thing I ever heard of , " I ventured to say.
"I don't deny that , " replied Leonard ; "but
necessity knows no Inw. I've got to have
models If I have to spend the last shred of
self-respect In the family buying them. But
Juot now I'm In a fix. I've conic to a chap
ter In the now novel where nn Insight Into
the personality of a burglar Is a sheer ne
cessity , and I don't know what to do. Uur-
glars nro not kept on draft in Drankvlllc ,
and Helen can't help me with a tea party. "
"Why don't you go to Slug Sing and study
thorn en bloc ? "
"You don't understand ; that wouldn't do
at all. A burglar centos to he a burglar
when he becomes a convict. I've got to
i , have the chemically pure article for my
, purpose. "
i "Then go to the city and Investigate him
| In his native lair. "
Leonard shrugged his shoulders , not with
out contempt. "Suggestion Isn't your forte ,
i ' I might aa well study a lot of lay figures
i In a cjclorama with a policeman for a lec
turer. No ; I've got to gel n specimen and
analyze It , and I'll bo hanged It I know
how to do It. "
1 laughed. "Why don't you put an 'ad'
' In the papcio : 'Wanted A burglar , to
. spend a short vacation In a country house
at IlrankvllIe-oti-the-Hudton whllo he Is beIng -
; Ing taken apart and put together again.
, Must bo an adept In his profession. Terms
liberal. ' "
, With his usual obtuseness , I conard did
j not seem to00 ( anything humorous In the
j suggestion , On the contrary , ho appeared
i to take It seriously ; and when his wife called
i us to dinner a few minutes later ho said ,
i thoughtfully :
j "Say , Tom , you're not so confoundedly an-
5 ecrnlnc as you look. Let's go down and
| cat on that last idea of youis. "
f A week later I had a telegram from Leon-
5 ard.
f "Como up , " he paid ; "the B problem
{ to solved , and I want you to IntcrvUw
| me. " I
< I went on the afternoon train , wiring him I
I that I must return at once ; and he met ,
f me at the station. I
* "Good boy ! " he said , shaking hands.
| "Pinched for time ? "
\ I nodded.
"All right ; you can do It In fifteen min
utes , and catch the next train to the city ,
If you have to. "
"Do what ? "
"Why , Interview me , of course. Didn't
you read my message ? "
In view of the fact that Leonard had kept
up a running light with the Interviewers
ever slnco the early dawn of his little day
of popularity as a novelist , the request was
qulto In keeping with his other eccentrici
ties , and I knew the Dally Monograph would .
bo glad to have him make his first exception
In Its favor. I
"Go ahead , " said I , with pencil suspended.
"What shall I say ? " i
"Anything or nothing about my work , but
you must pile It on thick when It comes
to the personalities. Make me out the big
gest fool of a crank you can Invent , and
wind up with a paragraph on my abnormal
fear of losing the million or so dollars my
book has earned. Say that I'm too Idiotic ,
ally cautious to Invest it ; say It's reported
that I keep It In a burglar-proof safe In
my bedroom. "
"Uut you don't do anything of the sort ! "
I . I protested , Whereupon ho cut In Im-
L patiently :
"Gioat heavens , man ! do you have lo he
hit with a club ? Can't you see what I'm
, driving at ? You ought to It's your own
1 suggestion , with a little necessary revision. "
I wrote the Interview while he waited ,
I and he read It after the down train had
whistled.
"That will bring me my burglar. If any
thing will , " ho said , returning the note
book. "Don't you think so ? "
"I hope It will. And I also hope that Mr.
Michael Horrlgan , or Hon. Patsy McGonlgle ,
or whatever his name may chance to bo ,
will scare the foolishness out of you on
the model question for a twelve-month "
"Thanks ; but If you've any sympathy to
eparo keep It for the other fellow. I'm
loaded for bear grizzly bear , at that , " said
, < Leonard , confidently , as I boarded the train.
"Goodby ; If you happen to think of any
thing thntill make It stronger , put It In. "
for a fortnight nothing came of the In
terview , save a combined attack or other In
terviewers upon the outworks of Castle
Kri'uklcy , ns Leonard called his small arch-
4 Itcctural folly In llrankvllle. In the mean-
' i tlmo. however , the 'IJrankvllllans began to
i wonder-why their "eccentric genius" did not
| , use the arc light which he had wired Into
i * the cottage at no little expense. Just why
' 'ho ' wanted an arc light at all when the houiu
was already aglow nightly with Incan
descent globes , no ono could guess ; but by
this tlino Leonard's vagaries , which wore
many , were beginning to go unquestioned.
But ono curious thing which fcmlnliia
BrankvUlc remarked was that Helen Leon-
'
I'INNUD TO THE PILLOW , WAS A NOTE.
ard was growing nlngulaily nervous and
distrait , and It concerned Itself vainly to
discover the cause. The truth ot this mat
ter was that Iooiiaid had taken bis ulfu
Into his confidence , perforce , In Iho affair
of the burglar quttit , and her courage was
not qulto equal tn her convictions.
"O , Harvey , let us give It up and run
away ! " elio pleaded cno evening , when
they \\rre dlscucvlng U In the study. "This
euspento U too hideously terrlf > lng to live
with. IJvery time. I hear a noise In the
night I Imagine all sort ) of dreadful thlngt
happening 'In your room. "
"You pap go If you want to1 said Leonard ;
"I told you you'd better at first. Uut I've
got to ult U out and catch my man ; I can't
write another line without a burglar. "
"If you stay I shall , ' rejoined Helen , with
forloui-hopo fortitude. "I shouldn't mind U
BO much If he'd only como quickly and have
U over with ; It's the suspense that's so tryIng -
Ing to one's nerves. Are you sure the ap
paratus will work when the time comes ? ' '
Leonard smiled grimly. "I'd be sorry to
btvo tu use It ; I'd lote my specimen , and I'm
afraid we'd hnvp a corpaa to dlcposo of , "
"IJbnbhi ) " said' Helen , "It's fairly grue
some to hear you talk about It. Mn l you go
on ? Can't jou get vtbat you waut out of
the liQoki for thU onto ? "
' "Yes , I can ie d up anil paraphrase what
some other luckier fellow has i-ald , I vuppcac ,
but that wouldn't he art. No ; 1'vo got to
lifivo my model , and the sooner ho turns up
the better for all concerned. Now. that you
spcak of It , though , the suspense Is a bl
trying. "
It was about this time that Macarthur o
the Sunday Ream asked me how I had man
ngcd to screw on Interview out of Leonard
a direct question which I evaded by saylni
that the rising young author was a persona
friend of mine.
"That's too old , " said Maearthtir , 'but I'l
forgive you It you'll tell me how I can get i
chance at him for the Itcam. You have hai
your scoop out of him , and you ought to hi
neighborly. "
"flo and sec him , as I did. "
"Then It wasn't a fake ? "
"Tho Dally Monograph doesn't prln
fakro. "
"No , I suppose not. Hut do you mean t
tell mo that all that claptrap about hi
money matters la true ? "
"I wrote the Interview myself. "
"Then your friend la a fool , , as well a
a lunatic. Why , ' man , It's a straight out
open bid for a burglary any night In th
week ! " 'i. > ' < :
"I'crhlpa that Is What Leonard wants. 1'n
told ho Is KlvCii" to studying odd types
in a It rs a hobby of It , they My , "
Macarthur whipped out his notebook.
"Dors , eh ? That's good for a stickful or
two. You won't tell me how to get at him7' '
"I can't. "
"All right. He'll miss rome more good
advertising , that's all. Uut It I ever do gel
a crack at lilpi I'll make him ulsh ho hadn'i
colil-Hlionlderfil' the craft , and you can tcl
him so when you BOO him. "
Leonard was In the city the next day , nnil
I did tell him- ' after ho had bored me'pit' '
Icisly , about the failure of lil.i burglar trap.
"Who Is Macjfrtliur ? " ho queried. "I don'
remember any "such man on the 'Ream. "
"He's a new man from Chicago ; a stockyv
thick-sot Irishman , with a bad Jaw and a
sharp-pointed pen. If ho ever turns up In
Drankvlllo you'di better be civil to him
Otherwise he'll abuse you like a pickpocket. '
Leonard mnrto'a .memorandum of the niunt
and description. "
"If Mr. tyaearthur ever turns up with his
Intcrrogatloij Ujblnt , I'll entertain him on
the front door step , " he said , viciously ,
"They've been making my life a Uantcan
misery ever since you printed that Interview.
Earring yourself , no newspaper fiepd ever
sees the Inside of Castle Krcaklcy , not I"
I know It. " '
Leonard's errand In town was to get mete
to bait the burglar trap afresh , and when
It was done ho took a late train home. I'i3lcn
met him at the door of the cottage , and for
a sensible young woman who looked upon
the world through calm gray eyes that mir
rored self-popsesalon she was perilously
near the verge of hysteria.
"O , Harvey ! " she gasped , "I'm so glad
you've come ! I've been ready to faint for
fear you'd stay In the city over night ! "
Leonard's prescience snapped Into pcsitlon
llko a piece of automatic mechanism.
"Then ho haw como ? " he broke In eagerly ,
"How do you know ? "
"I have seen him , " asserted Helen , "not
once but n dd en times. Ho has been up
and down the street and through the alley ,
prying and staring until I could have
shrieked , Ho Is such n terrible looking vil
lain worse than anything you ever saw on
the stage. "
"Good , " said Leonard , warming genially
at the firs of cnthu&IaMU. "I hope you didn't
do anything to scare him off. "
"Scare him ! I didn't dare show my face
at a window. O , please , ISarvey , dear , give
it up and ring for a policeman. "
"Give It up. when I have only to press
the button ? Never ! " enld Leonard , heroic
ally ; "not If I have to but glvo me soar-
thing to cat , and then tell mo what he looks
like. "
The cottnge was ablaze with light from
hall to kitchen , but iHelen clung nervously
to her husband's arm all the way to the
cozy dining room. There she regained some ,
measure of composure ; and having turned
the switches on the electric blazer and the
tea maker..she ; described .the prowler whllo
Leonard listened and absently buttered his
bread with salad drctslug.
"Heavy-set and broad-shouldered , " he
mused ; "that , means 'plenty of vitality and
a consequent absence of sensibility. I'll
have to keep the electrodes moist to make
sure. What else- did you observe ? "
"I couldn't observe anything for sheer
terror. His face was simply appalling ; I
never saw anything llko It. not even In the
newspaper pictures. "
"That's great , " said Leonard ; "this is
worth waiting for. Ho Is evidently a per
fect type , and If I can once get him safely
under the magnifier I'll draw you a picture
of a villain that'll make you gasp. "
"As If I hadn't been gasping all afternoon ! "
retorted' Helen , reproachfully. "After the
lights arc out and I have lost sight of you
I shall die a hundred deaths a mlnuto till
I know you are safe. "
"That will be wholly unnecessary , " re
joined Leonard , as giavely as If she had
proposed it by way of a counter Irritant.
"I shall muillo the bell In your room , and
you can rest perfectly easy until It rings.
The first tap will mean that ho Is some
where In the house ; the second that he Is
In my room ; with the third the lights will
go on , and at the fourth you will know
that I have him. " He looked at his watch
and rose froin the table. "It's nearly 10
o'clock and time to clear the decks. We
mustn't keep him waiting too long ; he
might get discouraged and go away , you
know. "
Five minutes later Helen klraed h r hus '
band goo : ! night , much as she 'might have
taken leave of him on the steps of a gal
lows. When. , sno had gone , and Leonard
heard the bolt click on the Infatde. of her
bedroom clpqr , " Ifb realized that she had
something lets of the artistic fervor to sus
tain her than he had. Then pity was swal
lowed up by enthusiasm , and he made his
preparations for the burglar's reception as '
carefully aa an astronomer about to take
an observation the time for ulilch would not
recur for anpthe'r generation.
First ho unfastened all the windows on
the ground floor and left the front door
ajar. Then he put opaque shades on ono
ot the Incandcsrt-nt globes In the hall and
two more In tbo parlor and dining room ,
so that when the other lights were turned
ofT a dim twilight pervaded the lower story.
This done , hfi dampened the matting In his
bedroom tllUJt/ellstuned with a dull metal
lic luster under the shadc.l lamp , and
sponged the front and top of a small
steel pafo which stood between the win
dows.
The , preliminaries arranged , he stripped
to his shirt nnd trousers and by down under
the coverlet on tlie Led , with his flnpera
touching a kejjtward of rlcctilc buttons cun
ninety hidden "honcAth the pillow , and set
tled hlmclf to wait with \\lmt enng frold
there was In hjui.
In all hl Imaginings of the culminating
inoment In his pnn ! ho had entirely Ignored
'
the factor of''peiBonal unherolsm ; but after
a tonne half hoar of oiispcn.io he began to
realize this , tbo , Would have to bo reckoned
with , 4.
It Is ono thing to bo heroic by proxy In the '
perennn of olio's puppets en paper , and qulto
another to fare actual batteries of double-
thottctl BUDS , with llfsh and blood enemies
u-ady to jerk the lanyards when the proper
moinont arrives. Or to lie iinarinej nnd
alone In an Isolated house , awaiting the In
coming of a ( le.iper.ito criminal , \\iio might
ho Inconsiderate enough not to listen to ex ;
planations before putting the apologist out
uf the running which Is much the snme
thing In the ond.
Loonanl came face to face with the re
ality , lying there In the semi-darkness , with
h'a heart drumming In a most unnerving
fnelilon , and thq perspiration trickling from <
every pore , making him dump and uncom
fortable.
The success 61 thp enterprise , nay , pceal.
bly hlq life , hnng upon tinrh.inre of a
critical .moment , the chance of getting speech
with the robber before ht > bhould have time
to commit murder. That paint safely weath
ered , an * the man given to understand that
JIG was wuntttl for purposes of mental and
mow ) \lvlstictlon , and not vengeance , Leon
ard thought he could see plain sailing be
yond.
Hut Vhllo the'crucial moment remained 1
In abeyance the agony of tiwpenec grew
and waxed until It gave the author a'prec ,
ious gllcipaolbejond lute the "rccloiuof hys-
Irrla a glimpse which he made tur he
could ure with telling effect In some futH'9-
story , If he should win through the olgbi'a
adventure alive and fit.
Luckily for Leonard's fortitude , which
threatened more than once todesert him
f entirely , the time of waiting was not greatly
prolonged. The chime of the hall clock was
still echoing the double stroke of the half
hour after 10 when he hcnrd ono of the
parlor windows go up with a nolte that was
anything but creditable to the eklll of a
professional housebreaker.
Leonard's finger sought the button con
necting with the bell In Helen's room while
he waited breathlessly for a confirmation of
the alarm. It did not tarry. There was a
crash , as ot some ono falling over a chair ,
followed by a muttered Imprecation , and
Leonard pressed the bell push ,
Now that the battle was fairly on he
felt equal to anything , and he anticipated
the next move of the enemy with nerves
a-tlngle. That , too , came quickly. Ten seconds
ends after the crash the figure of a man
appeared at the open door ot the bedroom
and Leonard caw that the Intruder was
carrying his shoes In his hand ,
Stocking feet on the dampened metallic
matting would simplify matters Immensely ;
and the second signal went to Helen with
no uncertain ring.
Cautiously , and feeling his way with his
free hand , the robber crept acro'a to the
safe ; and when the outstretched hand came
In contact with the damp metal Leonard
knew that the moment had arrived.
With ono touch he sent the third signal
to Helen , and with another flooded the room
with n glare of light from half a dozen
electric lamps. The burglar gasped , dropped
his shoes and fell back against the safe
with many emotions struggling for simul
taneous expression on bis tmbcautlful face.
Leonard sat up In bed with his hand still
under Iho pillow and strove to bo decently
calm and matter-of-fact.
"Good evening , " he said , hospitably ; 'don't
bo alarmed ; you are In no danger so long
as you keep perfectly quiet. If you don't ,
however , you are a dead man. "
The robber obeyed the Injunction , though
his eyes were apparently measuring the dis
tance to the door in connection with the
hand tinder the pillow.
"Wot cr yo glvlu' us ? " ho growled , when
the factor of escape seemed to have elim
inated Itself from the equation.
"Cold facts , " Leonard answered , affably.
"In connection with the hazards of your
profebsion you have doubtless become moio
or less familiar with the process of electro
cution , have you not ? "
The burglar nodded.
"I Inferred as much. Well , the matting
tor grew abstruse , but his questions were
always fruitful , uml Leonard encouraged
them as giving Mm a BtlH deeper Insight
Into the character of the type burglarious.
Hence , what with acute enthusiasm on
ono 1iand , and patient , If somewhat ungrasp-
Ing , attention on the other , the hall clock
struck 1 before Lconiird realized that what
'ho ' desired to accomplish needed not to be
wrought out In a single sitting. Wherefore
ho arose and made amends.
"By Jove ! Thnt's 1 o'clock. I owe you an
apology for keeping you up so late , though
I presume In your profession you're used to
bad hours. Como with mo and I'll show you
where you are to sleep. "
He led Ultts to a bedroom at the end
of the corridor , touching electric pushes for
additional light as , he vitnt along.
"You'll find everything comfortable nnd
cozy , I think , Mr.t Illtta ; you see , we've
been expecting you for several days , Make
yourself quite afcvhome , and consider your
self for the tlmd bring a member of the
family. Only dent ! try to get away. I sha'n't
lock the door , ami , as you see , the windows
are protected only 'by fly screens , but I as
sure you you cotlld never get out ot hero
allvo without myihelp. Good night. Touch
this button whan you want to put out the
lights. "
The guest sald > "Oood night , " and Leon
ard thought ho Burprlred the simulacrum
of a satirical grin on the man's face as he
closed the door , A minute later ho was giv
ing Helen a circumstantial account ot what
had befallen.
"It worked llto n charm from beginning
to end , " he concluded , with pardonable
pride. "No hitches'no danger , no violence ;
though I did have to give him a mild shock.
Just to Illustrate the completeness of the
thing. "
"Oh , Harvey ! you didn't hurt him , did
you ? "
"Of course not ; he's too fine a specimen
to be spoiled In the taking. "
"And what arrangements did you make
with him ? "
"Just what we planned. We've had our
first Munce , and ho Is to be our guest until
I'm lliioiigh Investigating him. After that
ho Is to bo free to go as he came. "
"Thank goodness , I'm glad It's all over ! '
exclaimed Helen , gratefully ; and with this
the matter rested for what was left of that
eventful night.
The next day chanced to bo Sunday , and
It was quite late when Leonard went up
:
:
:
:
i
:
;
THE DURGLAn RECLINED LAZILY IN THE'EASY CHAIR.
under your feet Is metallic , and It forms the
electrodes of a battery for which the electric
light plant of Brankvllle furnishes the
power. By pressing the button ( under my
linger I can Ah , would you ? "
Whllo Leonard was explaining , the robber
crouched for a spring ; but before ho could
launch himself ho fell to the floor like ono'
umttten with epilepsy. Leonard was beside
him In a moment.
"Get up , " he said , coolly. "You're not
killed. The voltage of that shock was very
much less than would be required to elec
trocute a man with , your vitality. I'm sorry
I had to give you an object lesson , but you
BCD now what you have to fear If you don't
do as I tell you. "
"You'ro about the rummlest customer ever
[ struck , " said the man , getting cautiously
ipon his feet. "Wot er yc goln1 to do with a
; eve ? "
"That depends entirely upon your behavior ,
"or reasons which you wouldn't understand ,
t has become necessary for mo to know per-
'onally a gentleman of your profession. It
to\i will be tractable and quiet and tell me
vhat I want to know , I propose to entertain
'ou as my guest for a day or two , after which
rou may go your way without reference to
'our object In coming hero tonight. "
"An1 wet If I kick on all that ? "
"You will bo shocked first and turned over
o the police afterward. But you will be
'cosouablc , I'm sure. This house la simply a
leathtrap for any ono who doesn't know It.
* ou couldn't get out of It aliveIn broad day-
Ight without my help or a pair of wings ,
t's getting late ; which will you do ? "
"O , I'll como off do perch , 'f course. I
In't no blooming bluffer w'en It comesjp de
how down. "
"I thought you'd bo sensible. Now give
no your weapons , and'wo'll go upstairs. "
But the burglar bad no weapons , and , what
cemed still nero singular , no tpols. Leon
rd marveled greatly thereat , but his guest
xplalncd :
"I was jlst glttln' do lay 'f do land , d' yo
eo ? No iieo brlngin * de whole machine shop
der wasn't gain' to bo no chance ter udo
t. "
"But do you usually go unarmed ? ' !
" 'Course wo docs , " replied the burglar ,
fith fjno Irony , "Us coves ain't no bloody
luggers ; wet wo wants'Is de swag .seo ? '
Leonard promptly mads note of tbo first
act In lilu diagnosis and sent Helen the
nurtli and last ulgnal.
"Now. then , Mr. " "Bltts , " said the
mrglar , "Mr. Bltts , como with me , and we'll
ako a few notes tonight , If you don't mind.
Leonard led the way to his study and
vheeled out an easy chair for the burglar.
'Sit down and make yourself comfortable , "
said. "Do smoke "
10 . you ?
Mr. Bltts admitted the fact , and Leonard
usscd the cigar stand and act tied himself
it his writing table. Then and there began
in Inquest Into criminal methods and mo-
lvci the llko of which no court room lies
IVCT witnessed , and through it , all 'the burr
lar reclined lazily In the cany'elialt % amok-
ng contentedly and talking as fretly ad any
iiveptlgator , however curious , could' wish.
For an hour Leonard's pen kept even pact
ilth lila queried ; but after that tbo talk be-
amo less Investigative on. the part of the
lost , and slightly more Inquisitive on that
f the snot.
As an unlettered craftsman of the guild
olonloua. knowing \rtt \ ? than nothing of
hlngs literary , Bltts was naturally curlouc
n acquaint himself tomewuut with the do-
ugs at the strange v > orld In which he had
tumbled ; and his Ignorance was eo naive
hat Leonard , enthusiastic to tie | Jlps on
he wibject of his cilllliiK , was at Home pa lea
0 explain bis. workUs methods , Itu dim
allleu and Its aclilcvefnerita ,
It was positively fefrpph.lng to pour such
e I ream of Information Into a perfectly
acuoui mind , with the at sura nee. that ft
ould never find Its way 'out 'again , and
eonard , w nilng ) to hie jyqrk , went Into
elaila with tlu < mlnutenefs' which hu audl-
or'u power of comprehension seemed to de-
najid.
UltU llattweii an a dull' ' man mlgh't , with
pparent Interest when , 1(0 ( could uuderUad.
nd with respectful attention when the mat-
to escort his guest" to the breakfast room. :
The door of the corridor chamber was open ;
the bed had not been slept In , and the room
was empty. I'lnncd. to the pillow-slip was a
note In the neat handwriting ot a prac
ticed penman :
"Dear Mr. Leonard , " It ran. "I owe you
an apology for dropping out so uncere
moniously , but I' was obliged to catch an
early train for the city. With many thanks
;
for your hospitality , extended and Intended ,
I am now and always , your sincere friend ,
"B1TTS. "
"What do you make of It ? " demanded
Leonard , In a daze-/ when ho had taken the
note downstairs Helen.-
"O , Harvey ! can't you guess ? " she faltered.
He fell Into a chair and hid his face. "I y
don't have to guctw I know , " ho groaned.
"Ho was no moro a burglar than I am ; It
was that villain , Macarthur of the Ream.
!
Has the mall como ? "
It had , and Helen found the paper with '
trembling fingers. There It was , under star
ing headlines , with every detail elaborated , '
and every 'Idiosyncrasy , down to a minute
description of the burglar trap , made the <
moat of with true journalistic thrift , not un-
mlnglcd with sardonic humor.
Helen read It aloud with tears In her
voice ; Leonard listened and made no sign , .
"Isn't It too despicably heartless ! " aho
cried , at the end , and Leonard had to emllo > '
In splto of his chagrin.
"I fancy that depends upon the point of
view , but we'll take that ground In even-
Ing-up things with Mr. Macarthur. What
with this write-up , and the flham date he
gave mo last night , not to speak of the wear1
and tear on my nerves In landing him , bo's
left me pretty deeply In debt , But I
shouldn't wonder It I could make out to pay
the account before It's outlawed. On the
other hand , I'm ' not so sure ho hasn't served
my turn without meaning to. Ho will make
a fairly good 'proxy burglar , In the absence o
of the real thing. " .
Leonard's figure of speech was mild , but Ji
Iiln- vengeance was n.mple. When the new-
novel nppeftre-d U wns ppcodlly dlscoverel
that a certain young Irishman on the Sun
day Ilram had peed M a model for the
burglar therein.
.Leonard had caught the Inspiration ot the
moment , and the result was n beautiful bit
of literary caricature eo true to the llfo that
ho who ran might rcad > and recognize the
original. .Whereupon Mscnrthur was rc-
chrietcnod ' 'Bltte , " and to this day there are
these who bellevo he Is a reformed burglar.
GUinillO.V CI.IMI JOICKS.
JIn llnvc
Knti nllh IIlNllitKillnltiMl
A special feature of the Gridiron club was
After the distinguished company had passed
from , clgnrs to tho- discussion nt Iho mellow
vintage ot the VN iiiow CHquot , relates the
Washington Times , the orchestra suddenly
struck up the "Marseillaise , " the great
French patriotic song. This was a red re
publican song , but It served to Introduce
to the company n number of the club ar
rayed Hke the first emperor , who advanced
to the presiding oflVcr's chair and demanded
the gavel. The president asserted that
there was no occasion for a surrender of
the gavel , because his own administration
had been given a vote ot confidence and his
policy Indorsed. This veiled reference to
the approval of Uio Cleveland administra
tion and Its Indorsement by the election of
McKlnley was received with great applause.
"Hut , Mr. President , where do I come
111 ? " said the Napoleon.
"Oh , you don't come In at all. as J can
soe,1' bald the president sillily. "You see , I
have put all the offices. Including my own ,
under the civil service. "
Some sharp colloquy followed , and finally
the president allowed that he was going
away to shoot durks for awhile , and If the
newcomer wanted to try his hand for a time
at presiding ho was not unwilling. "Rut , "
he added , "I know you won't like the Job ,
and I don't think you will succeed anyway. "
The Imitation Napoleon alien took the
chair , and ordered the Immediate restoration
of prosperity. Henry L. West , In the ca
pacity of Secretary Porter , promptly pro
duced prosperity In the shape of the larg
est plo ever baked In Washington , perhaps
In the United States. It was four feet In
diameter , and was composed of eight sep
arate pieces , each of which taxed to the
utmost the largest ovens of the largest bak
ery In Washington. Mr. West , dressed as a
porter , drew a big butcher's cleaver , and
essayed to divide the prodigious pie among
the guest * . Mr. Dunn protested against Mr.
West as the proper functionary , he being
only a clcik , and said that the pic should
properly be distributed by that great leader ,
Senator Ilanna , whereat there was great
applause.
Senator Hannn promptly declined the prof
fered task ot distributing this plo ; and the
representative of Secretary Porter announced
that , as the most competent man for the
duty had declined to distribute It , the pis
must be considered a free-for-all. The re
sult might have been anticipated. There
was a "rush for the offices , ' as they say In
the newspapers. A small army of olllce-
seekers appeared on the scene , bearing ban
ners , the legends of some of which were :
"An office for every man and a mnn for
jvery ofllce , " "Ilanna Howlers , " "lluckeye
Plo Eaters , " the "Prosperity Phalanx , " "Wo
Want Pie" nnd various other commentaries
3ii the "tcxUof the bill. "
This army , advanced to the attack , seized
the literal and figurative pic and tore It to
Mecca , amid the applause of these on the
inside as to the significance of this allegory.
Hie temporary presiding officer gave up the
lob of seeing that the distribution was fairly
nado when ho found after the first charge
hat there wasn't enough to go around , apd
ho president proper resumed the chair ,
ivhlle the hall rang with shouts of laughter.
There was another Incident of equal slg-
ilficanco and entertainment. Some time
ifter the parable of the pie a member of the
lub appeared , bearing a huge scroll , en-
Hied the "Dlngley Tariff Bill. " He pro-
cedcd across the floor with his loaded docu-
ncnt. when he was challenged.
"Where are you going ? " the member was
iskcd.
"I am Just going over to the senate with
ny tariff bill , " ho replied , and went out the
naln" door. , Instantly there arose without
great commotion , and when the member
cturncd with his bill It was In shreds , his
xiats na& torn ? "and his hat was battered
nto an .unrecognizable shape , recalling , the
ondition of Stuart Hobson after his "first
Mslt'to the Stock exchange. The member
limply but eloquently "reported back to the
louse , " "Mr. Speaker , I have been there. "
Tliceo were only two of the many ways
n which the Grldlroners gave object lessons
n current politics , and the ways and means
jy which a country becomes great and stays
rcat under any and all circumstances.
There was something exquisitely and
tcenly suggestive In the exhibition of a
lortrait of Senator Ilanna , Inscribed : "You
an't lose me. "
Made Him IIoiucNlcU.
The burgler had entered the house as
luletly as possible , relates the Chicago Post ,
jut his shoes were not padded and they
nado somenoise. .
Ho had just reached the door of the bed
room when ho heard some one moving In
ho bed , as If about to get up , and he paused.
The sound of a woman's voice floated to
Us ears.
"If you don't take off your boots when
rou come Into this house , " It said , "there's
jolng to bo trouble and a whoio lot of It.
Hero it's been raining for three hours and
fiou dare to tramp over my carpets with your
nuddy boots on. Go down elulrs and take
them "off this minute. "
Ho went downstairs without a word , but
ie didn't take off his boots. Instead , he went
itralght out Into the night again , and the
'pal" who was waiting for him saw a tear
Sllsten In his eyo.
"I can't rob that house , " ho said. "It re
minds me lot home. "
CM n NO for Aliirni.
Cincinnati Enquirer : "Old man , you seem
.vorrled. "
"Worried Is no name for It. Brown Is com-
ng around at 4 o'clock to pay mo $15. "
"Think he may not corne ? "
"Oh , he'll como all right ; but Jones Is duo
it 4:15 : o'clock to try to collect $10 I owe
ilm. Suppose ho should get hero just as I
vaa being paid by Brown ? "
The Point Well Tnken.
Plttsburg Chronicle : "The writer's name
nust accompany every communication , " said
bo editor to the man who had handed In a
Ittlo piece signed "Constant Reader. "
"I see , " replied the man. "You don't want
get the world Involved In controversy
.bout the authorship of a second bnr' ' . . ' . ot
unlus letters. "
ANHEUSER-BUSCH BREWING Assi
THE LEADING BREWERY IN THE WORLD.
Brewers of the Most Wholesome and Popular Beers.
Bu
The MicMb
Senvad on all Pullman Dining and Buffet Cars.
- , Sarfved on all Wagner Dining and Buffet Cars.
' " , ! Served on all Ocean and Lake Steamers.
Served In all First Class Hotels.
Served In the Best Families.
Served In all Fjne Clubs.
The Two Gtulest Tonics , "Malt-Nntrine" and "Liquid Bread" are
prepared by this Association.
Some Lending Special Features.
THE
MINE OF INTERESTING READ
ING FOR NEXT SUNDAY'S
PATRONS.
Bret Harte's
; < ; GJceat California Story ,
. "Three Partners-
A story of early mining days In Ciillfonilti.-In It llrot Ilartc returns
to his old stylo-Hie virile , sympathetic style which nnule his fninc.-llls
characters are minor * , and , although the tides of varying fortunes flout
them out Into the wider world , they come back to California In the
olid a managers of large enterprises. Mixed
up In the ingenious : web of
the story are u number of western studle.s. Our old friend , .Tuck Uamlln ,
tlio gambler makes a brief , but picturesque appearance. Then there
nro "Whisky DlcU" Hall ; the villainous prospector , Steptoc , and the cun
ning Belgian , Paul Van Ixio. The love element of the story Is furnished
by the bountiful Mrs. llorncustle , and the fair but heartless , Kitty
Baker. . ,
i
X Rays on Suicide.
llejolndor from the lucid pen of X-ltays , who started the discussion on
Ingei-soll's doctrine of suicide in theory and practice. The arguments ,
pro and con , urged in support of justifiable suicide critically and clev
erly analyzed. i , >
Capture of John Wilkes Booth.
Miss L. II. B. Ilalloway , sister of Mrs. Garret t , In whose house President
Lincoln's assassin spent the last two days of his life , gives her recollec
tions of the dramatic events leading up to and immediately following the
final tragedy of Booth's life. How Booth occupied himself in the Gar-
re tt homo and what he said ure told by one who know and pitied him.
Origin of America's First Inhabitants.
The origin of America's first Inhabitants
has been a mooted polnffor gen
erations. The American Museum of Natural History 1ms resolved to
make a thorough Investigation of this vexed question , and an expedition
Is being fitted out to systematically explore the Alaskan and northeast
ern Asiatic shores. Plan and occts of this great ) undertaking.
gpecialgunday
Departments
In Woman's Domain.
For the Little Folks.
Music and Drama.
With the Secret Societies.
The Realm of Sport.
. - . : ; " ! * , ' Gossip About the Bicycle
i- / -it '
Social Happenings of the Week.
Unexcelled
Service.
New York World's Cable Letters.
Associated Press Telegraphic News.
Special Correspondents Everywhere.
All the Local News ,
THE OMAHA
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