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Whether Common or Not
Southern Politics
Lay tho jeat about the julep in the
camphor-balls at last,
For tho iniraclo has happened and
tho olden days are past;
That which makes Milwaukee thirsty
does not foam in Tennessee:
And tho lid on old Missouri is us
tight locked as can be;
For tho eggnog now is nogless and
the rye has gone awry,
And tho punch bowl holds carnations,
and the south, "by Gawd, sir" 's
dry.
By tho still side on the hillside in
Kentucky all is still,
For tho only damp refreshment must
be dipped up from the rill.
N'th C'lina's stately ruler gives his
"Cola" glass a shove
And discusses local option with the
South C'lina gov'.
For the mint beds make a pasture.
and tho corkscrew hangeth high,
And.tho cocktail glass-is dusty and
tho south, "by Gawd, sir" 's dry.
All tho nightcaps now have tassels
and are worn uppn the nead,
Not tho nightcaps that were taken
when nobody went to bed;
When the Colonel and the Major and
. the General and the Jedgo
Meet to have a little nip to give their
. appetites an edge,
Now each can walk a chalk line when
the stars are in the sky,
For the fizz glass now Is fizzless, and
tho south "by Gawd, sir" 's dry.
Though she still has pretty women
and her horses still are fast,
"Ole Kentucky's" crowning glory is
a mem'ry of the past;
.Now the partisans of "straight goods"
and tho "rectified" speak well,
For what's the use of scranning when
the buslness's gone to hell;
In those lonely tassoled cornfields all
tho crows are living high,
Each distillery's a graveyard, for the
south, "by Gawd, sir" 's dry.
Columbia (S. C.) Stat.
candidate, "I don't know a single
thing."
Tho examiner reported in his affi
davit that "he had examined the ap
plicant as to his knowledge of the
law, and, to the best of his informa
tion and belief, ho had answered tho
questions that he had put to him cor
rectly." Los Angeles Tribune.
Neutral
Historical controversies are creep
ing into the schools. In a New York
public institution attended by many
races, during an examination in his
tory the teacher asked a little chap,
Who discovered America?
Ho was evidently thrown into a
panic and hesitated, much to the
teacher's surprise, to make any re
ply. "Oh, please, ma'am," he finally
stammered, r"ask mo somethin' else."
"Something else, Jimmy? Why
should I do that?"
"The. fellers was talkin' 'bout It
yesterday," replied Jimmy. "Pat Mc
Gee said it was discovered by an
Irish saint," Olaf taid it was a sailor
from Norway, and Giovanni said it
was Columbus an' if you'd seen what
happened you wouldn't ask a little
feller like me." Kansas City Star.
His Privilege -
The magistrate looked severely at
the small, red-faced man who had
been summoned before him, and who
returned his gaze without flinching.
"So you kickei your landlord
downstairs?" queried the magistrate.
"Did you Imagine that was within
the right of a tenant?"
"I'll bring my lease in and show
it to you," said the little man, grow
ing redder, "and I'll wager you'll
agree with me that anything they've
forgotten to prohibit in that lease I
had a right to do the very first chance
I got." Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph.
"there ain't no ball games on rainy
days." Yonkers Statesman. . ' . ,
Unusually Considerate
Miss Milly was rather a talkative
young lady. Her bosom friend, hav
ing missed her for some time, called
to find out the reason.
"No, mum, Miss Milly is not In,"
tho maid informed her. "She has
gone to the class."
"Why, what class?" inquired the
caller in surprise.
"Well, mum, you know. Miss Milly
Is getting married soon, so she's tak
ing a course of lessons in domestic
silence." Tit-Bits.
Family Prido
Hoping to bo tho first to relate
somo unwelcome news, the youth
rushed into tho home and said:
"Father, I had a fight with Percy
Raymond today."
"I know you did," replied the
father, soberly. "Mr. Raymond came
to see mo about it."
"Well," said the son, "I liope you
came out as well as I did." Ladies'
Home Journal.
'Fine
Overstated
First Traveler (cheerfully)-
day, Isn't It?"
Second ditto (haughtily) "Sir!
You have the advantage of mo. 1
don't know you."
First ditto "Humph! I fail to
see the advantage." t The Passing
Show.
Forethought
Some one noticed that Pat was
ambidextrous..
"When I was a boy," he explained,
"me father always said to me: 'Pat,
learn to cut your finger-nails jwid
yer left hand, for some day ye might
lose yer right hand.' " Boston
Transcript.
VOL. 15, NOiQ
makes up in enthusiasm when she at
tempts to clip her boy's hair
In the flower of her youth even i
Widow has her weeds. a
X girl l really Pleased with a
man she seldom tells him so
About the nly time a woman ever
?eVcetrsl0atUabad!8ain l8 When - "
And a lot of people would rather
believe a lie than tho nude truth
Chicago News.
TT.4 tlTT1 TTT i.J HIT--! r
Wanted A genuine bookkeeper;,
one who can milk a cow, chop wood,
play the piano, and rock the cradle.
Box 23, Dilley, Tex. Advertisement
In the San Antonio Light.
Banning
the Kiss
He
On the basis of a Huntington, W.
Va dispatch, describing Dr. B. W.
Grover's recommendation of the "pat
pat" as a substitute for the un
hygienic kiss, Puck submits a few
niodiflcations of current literature to
iiiit, as follows:
He planted a passionate pat-pat up-
n her upturned cheek
Gwendolyn stood demurely under
he mistletoe, and in another Instant
Clarence had deftly pat-patted her.
, "How dare you pat-pat me, sir!"
the cried -,
.' 'T4 a Hlrt1 nnfli .rv J.. !... .V
x. io udoicoo j.ui juu w Biruggie,
Strange Glad Hand
"That man must love you.
made so much fuss over you. What's
his name?"
"I don't know."
"But he seemed so glad to ace
JUUi
"Yes. He was very effusive."
"Haven't you any idea who he is?"
"Not at all. I've seen his face
somewhere, but I can't place him."
"But he acted like a long-lost
brother."
"He surely did. I can't make up
my mind whether he really knows me
or is a candidate for office." Detroit
Free Press.
Show-Down
Teacher "What lessons do we
learn from the attack on the Dar
danelles?" Prize Scholar "That a strait beats
three kings, dad says." Judge.
Strategy
Officer "Why did you order your
prisoner to sit down here?"
Soldier "Cos o the thistles, sir."
London Opinion.
my proud beauty," he hissed.
! Seizing her roughly, Dalton pushed
the glorious head back, back, back,
f,n& leered into the frightened eyes.
(. "I am going to pat-pat you; do
you hear, girl? To pat-pat you!" he
cried
"And now gentlemen," said Ter
pnee, our guide, "would any o' yez
Ike to pat-pat the Blarney Stone?"
Ii Politics
A Fresno .county man wus appoint-
1 to a state office. Technically,' it
naa to uu uum vy a mwyer, wnicn
$ju omco seeder was noi. Tne ex
aminer, howevor, undertook to ob
viate the technicality.
"Well," said tho examiner, "what
do you know about law, anyway?"
"To tell tho truth," repliod the
Why Ho Kept Silent
American Host It seems to me a
rather singlar fact that in all your
conversations you have never men
tioned Goethe.
German Guest Veil, you see how
Id is. If I bronounce his name as
you Ame-icans bronounce id, my
Sherman frimdts vill laugh at me;
una ii i pronounce ia correctly, my
American f riendts vill nod know who
I am dalking aboud." New York
Weekly. '
One Instalment
"Is this piano yours?"
"Oh, about an octave of it." Bos
ton Transcript.
Hits From Sharp Wits
Most persons who believe them,
selves good judges of human nature
arc drawing heavily on their imagina
tion. Albany Journal.
"Because a fellow is In favor of
free speech," remarked the man on
the car, "he should not try to do all
tho talking." Toledo Blade.
Miladi says it is all right to look up
a man's batting average; but it's a
girl's batter-cake average that takes
the cake. Macon Telegraph.
About the only use the world has
for unimportant men is as doormats
Pittsburgh Dispatch.
Somebody called the attention to
the fact that the fellow who alwayB
says "I toldyou so," never seems to
have any money up on the result.
About the biggest liar in captivity
is the' fellow who confesses all of his
past sins to his best girl. Nashville
Banner.
The old-fashioned hatchet which
was sometimes burled has been su
perseded by the hammer which is al
ways ready" for use.
Half the world wonders how the
other half can afford to keep automo
biles." Albany Journal.
A henpecked husband is nothing
more or less than -the silent partner
of his wife's troubles. Memphis
Conimercial Appeal.
This may .be a man's world, but
when, you. come to examine it closely
it is largely for women.
What is called luck, good or bad, is
only the result of the operation of
the law of compensation. Albany
Journal.
Woman advertising for a husband
makes a few philosophical remarks
regarding married life, among which
she says "there is peace and comfort
in sitting down after supper to read,
with a bright arl contented husband
to talk to." That seems to be the way
most women take in entertaining a
"bright and contented husband" when
he sits down "after supper to read."
Philadelphia Inquirer.
Quaker Quips
Many a man goes to law who nev
er gets back.
A many-sided man ought to a
perfectly square.
A fellow with an engagement rinf
Is pretty sure to get the glad haoi
from some girl. Philadelphia Record.
What's tho Use?
"Are you putting away something
for a rainy day, Tommy?" asked the
little boy's aunt as she saw him at
his little savings bank.
'No, ma'am," was Tommy's roply
Tips From Texas
If you have a friend you may lean
on him, but if you have an enemy he
maket you self-reliant.
It has Just about gotten so in this
country that when a man refuses to
follow a, fool fashion ho looks ridic
ulous. A crisis consists of two main parts
the flare up and the dwindle down.
Ag a general thing, he kind of man
who ought to be making hay while
the sun shines is looking around for
an indoor Job. Dallas News.
Pointed Paragranha
i JL w0'1 believo that honesy
is the best policy one should try it
Lota of city farmers make a spe
cialty of sowing wild oats. P
It take & conscientious man to
is11!" W0Tk " tt0 TemuPtion
What ft mother lacks in skill she
"Straffing"
We take from a Sumatra paper
list of some of the words which tM
Germans in the patriotic ardor pro
pose to substitute for the Englba
sporting terms formerly in use:
Golf Locherballspiel.
Cricket Drqistabenschlagersplel.
Leg before NochnlchtabgemacMi
Wicket Drelstabeneinrlchtung.
Half-time Halbspielwartepauao,
Hands Handefehler.
Start Abgangsstelle.
Starter Hauptabgangsstellea
fischtsvorsteher. .
We can now understand the pr
tlon of the German who says he h
no time for sport. Punch.
Little Marjorie's mother was pi
nlng a railway journey and epo
of taking a sleeper. w
"Mamma," queried Marjorie, ww
don't you go on a waker instead m
a sleeper ?" Ex. .
a.
