f'? "TU t The Commoner . - r , fyf ur p 30 V l I l 1 iJ yr a. I'W ;ft k ST fill II III IMWWWMMMWWWMMWWMWIIMWWWMWMWWWW MIIIM" I I i i Whether Common or Not Southern Politics Lay tho jeat about the julep in the camphor-balls at last, For tho iniraclo has happened and tho olden days are past; That which makes Milwaukee thirsty does not foam in Tennessee: And tho lid on old Missouri is us tight locked as can be; For tho eggnog now is nogless and the rye has gone awry, And tho punch bowl holds carnations, and the south, "by Gawd, sir" 's dry. By tho still side on the hillside in Kentucky all is still, For tho only damp refreshment must be dipped up from the rill. N'th C'lina's stately ruler gives his "Cola" glass a shove And discusses local option with the South C'lina gov'. For the mint beds make a pasture. and tho corkscrew hangeth high, And.tho cocktail glass-is dusty and tho south, "by Gawd, sir" 's dry. All tho nightcaps now have tassels and are worn uppn the nead, Not tho nightcaps that were taken when nobody went to bed; When the Colonel and the Major and . the General and the Jedgo Meet to have a little nip to give their . appetites an edge, Now each can walk a chalk line when the stars are in the sky, For the fizz glass now Is fizzless, and tho south "by Gawd, sir" 's dry. Though she still has pretty women and her horses still are fast, "Ole Kentucky's" crowning glory is a mem'ry of the past; .Now the partisans of "straight goods" and tho "rectified" speak well, For what's the use of scranning when the buslness's gone to hell; In those lonely tassoled cornfields all tho crows are living high, Each distillery's a graveyard, for the south, "by Gawd, sir" 's dry. Columbia (S. C.) Stat. candidate, "I don't know a single thing." Tho examiner reported in his affi davit that "he had examined the ap plicant as to his knowledge of the law, and, to the best of his informa tion and belief, ho had answered tho questions that he had put to him cor rectly." Los Angeles Tribune. Neutral Historical controversies are creep ing into the schools. In a New York public institution attended by many races, during an examination in his tory the teacher asked a little chap, Who discovered America? Ho was evidently thrown into a panic and hesitated, much to the teacher's surprise, to make any re ply. "Oh, please, ma'am," he finally stammered, r"ask mo somethin' else." "Something else, Jimmy? Why should I do that?" "The. fellers was talkin' 'bout It yesterday," replied Jimmy. "Pat Mc Gee said it was discovered by an Irish saint," Olaf taid it was a sailor from Norway, and Giovanni said it was Columbus an' if you'd seen what happened you wouldn't ask a little feller like me." Kansas City Star. His Privilege - The magistrate looked severely at the small, red-faced man who had been summoned before him, and who returned his gaze without flinching. "So you kickei your landlord downstairs?" queried the magistrate. "Did you Imagine that was within the right of a tenant?" "I'll bring my lease in and show it to you," said the little man, grow ing redder, "and I'll wager you'll agree with me that anything they've forgotten to prohibit in that lease I had a right to do the very first chance I got." Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. "there ain't no ball games on rainy days." Yonkers Statesman. . ' . , Unusually Considerate Miss Milly was rather a talkative young lady. Her bosom friend, hav ing missed her for some time, called to find out the reason. "No, mum, Miss Milly is not In," tho maid informed her. "She has gone to the class." "Why, what class?" inquired the caller in surprise. "Well, mum, you know. Miss Milly Is getting married soon, so she's tak ing a course of lessons in domestic silence." Tit-Bits. Family Prido Hoping to bo tho first to relate somo unwelcome news, the youth rushed into tho home and said: "Father, I had a fight with Percy Raymond today." "I know you did," replied the father, soberly. "Mr. Raymond came to see mo about it." "Well," said the son, "I liope you came out as well as I did." Ladies' Home Journal. 'Fine Overstated First Traveler (cheerfully)- day, Isn't It?" Second ditto (haughtily) "Sir! You have the advantage of mo. 1 don't know you." First ditto "Humph! I fail to see the advantage." t The Passing Show. Forethought Some one noticed that Pat was ambidextrous.. "When I was a boy," he explained, "me father always said to me: 'Pat, learn to cut your finger-nails jwid yer left hand, for some day ye might lose yer right hand.' " Boston Transcript. VOL. 15, NOiQ makes up in enthusiasm when she at tempts to clip her boy's hair In the flower of her youth even i Widow has her weeds. a X girl l really Pleased with a man she seldom tells him so About the nly time a woman ever ?eVcetrsl0atUabad!8ain l8 When - " And a lot of people would rather believe a lie than tho nude truth Chicago News. TT.4 tlTT1 TTT i.J HIT--! r Wanted A genuine bookkeeper;, one who can milk a cow, chop wood, play the piano, and rock the cradle. Box 23, Dilley, Tex. Advertisement In the San Antonio Light. Banning the Kiss He On the basis of a Huntington, W. Va dispatch, describing Dr. B. W. Grover's recommendation of the "pat pat" as a substitute for the un hygienic kiss, Puck submits a few niodiflcations of current literature to iiiit, as follows: He planted a passionate pat-pat up- n her upturned cheek Gwendolyn stood demurely under he mistletoe, and in another Instant Clarence had deftly pat-patted her. , "How dare you pat-pat me, sir!" the cried -, .' 'T4 a Hlrt1 nnfli .rv J.. !... .V x. io udoicoo j.ui juu w Biruggie, Strange Glad Hand "That man must love you. made so much fuss over you. What's his name?" "I don't know." "But he seemed so glad to ace JUUi "Yes. He was very effusive." "Haven't you any idea who he is?" "Not at all. I've seen his face somewhere, but I can't place him." "But he acted like a long-lost brother." "He surely did. I can't make up my mind whether he really knows me or is a candidate for office." Detroit Free Press. Show-Down Teacher "What lessons do we learn from the attack on the Dar danelles?" Prize Scholar "That a strait beats three kings, dad says." Judge. Strategy Officer "Why did you order your prisoner to sit down here?" Soldier "Cos o the thistles, sir." London Opinion. my proud beauty," he hissed. ! Seizing her roughly, Dalton pushed the glorious head back, back, back, f,n& leered into the frightened eyes. (. "I am going to pat-pat you; do you hear, girl? To pat-pat you!" he cried "And now gentlemen," said Ter pnee, our guide, "would any o' yez Ike to pat-pat the Blarney Stone?" Ii Politics A Fresno .county man wus appoint- 1 to a state office. Technically,' it naa to uu uum vy a mwyer, wnicn $ju omco seeder was noi. Tne ex aminer, howevor, undertook to ob viate the technicality. "Well," said tho examiner, "what do you know about law, anyway?" "To tell tho truth," repliod the Why Ho Kept Silent American Host It seems to me a rather singlar fact that in all your conversations you have never men tioned Goethe. German Guest Veil, you see how Id is. If I bronounce his name as you Ame-icans bronounce id, my Sherman frimdts vill laugh at me; una ii i pronounce ia correctly, my American f riendts vill nod know who I am dalking aboud." New York Weekly. ' One Instalment "Is this piano yours?" "Oh, about an octave of it." Bos ton Transcript. Hits From Sharp Wits Most persons who believe them, selves good judges of human nature arc drawing heavily on their imagina tion. Albany Journal. "Because a fellow is In favor of free speech," remarked the man on the car, "he should not try to do all tho talking." Toledo Blade. Miladi says it is all right to look up a man's batting average; but it's a girl's batter-cake average that takes the cake. Macon Telegraph. About the only use the world has for unimportant men is as doormats Pittsburgh Dispatch. Somebody called the attention to the fact that the fellow who alwayB says "I toldyou so," never seems to have any money up on the result. About the biggest liar in captivity is the' fellow who confesses all of his past sins to his best girl. Nashville Banner. The old-fashioned hatchet which was sometimes burled has been su perseded by the hammer which is al ways ready" for use. Half the world wonders how the other half can afford to keep automo biles." Albany Journal. A henpecked husband is nothing more or less than -the silent partner of his wife's troubles. Memphis Conimercial Appeal. This may .be a man's world, but when, you. come to examine it closely it is largely for women. What is called luck, good or bad, is only the result of the operation of the law of compensation. Albany Journal. Woman advertising for a husband makes a few philosophical remarks regarding married life, among which she says "there is peace and comfort in sitting down after supper to read, with a bright arl contented husband to talk to." That seems to be the way most women take in entertaining a "bright and contented husband" when he sits down "after supper to read." Philadelphia Inquirer. Quaker Quips Many a man goes to law who nev er gets back. A many-sided man ought to a perfectly square. A fellow with an engagement rinf Is pretty sure to get the glad haoi from some girl. Philadelphia Record. What's tho Use? "Are you putting away something for a rainy day, Tommy?" asked the little boy's aunt as she saw him at his little savings bank. 'No, ma'am," was Tommy's roply Tips From Texas If you have a friend you may lean on him, but if you have an enemy he maket you self-reliant. It has Just about gotten so in this country that when a man refuses to follow a, fool fashion ho looks ridic ulous. A crisis consists of two main parts the flare up and the dwindle down. Ag a general thing, he kind of man who ought to be making hay while the sun shines is looking around for an indoor Job. Dallas News. Pointed Paragranha i JL w0'1 believo that honesy is the best policy one should try it Lota of city farmers make a spe cialty of sowing wild oats. P It take & conscientious man to is11!" W0Tk " tt0 TemuPtion What ft mother lacks in skill she "Straffing" We take from a Sumatra paper list of some of the words which tM Germans in the patriotic ardor pro pose to substitute for the Englba sporting terms formerly in use: Golf Locherballspiel. Cricket Drqistabenschlagersplel. Leg before NochnlchtabgemacMi Wicket Drelstabeneinrlchtung. Half-time Halbspielwartepauao, Hands Handefehler. Start Abgangsstelle. Starter Hauptabgangsstellea fischtsvorsteher. . We can now understand the pr tlon of the German who says he h no time for sport. Punch. Little Marjorie's mother was pi nlng a railway journey and epo of taking a sleeper. w "Mamma," queried Marjorie, ww don't you go on a waker instead m a sleeper ?" Ex. . a.