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About The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923 | View Entire Issue (April 26, 1907)
-' d 'AriUL 20, 1007 The Commoiieri 15 - At the Grocery Store ttill Sixiitlicrs was a talkin' of thrplans an' policies "Which Roosevelt is pushin' to btlng Wall street to its knees; An' William, when he's started, slings th' language mighty free. "1 tell you, boys," ho shouted, "Teddy's just a suitin' me; ,,,,,,, Them Wall street sharks hes book.n an' a pullin' 'em to land, An' reducin' of their povor in a way to beat th' band." But just then Tom Bobbins entered an he says to liiii, says ue; "Does Wall street make objection to tli' shippin' subsidy?" That stumped Bill for a minute, but he caugbt his breath an' said, While cuttin' some terbacker an' a waggin' of his bead: Th' president is trimmln' of them gamblin' fellers' claws, 'An' showin' them they're subject to tli' country's rules an' laws; He's a callin' 'em to order, an' they haye to walk th' chalk I tell you Ted's a wonder, an' they jump to hear him talk." An' Bobbins, never smilin', looks at Bill an' says, says he: "Have you heard Wall street objectin' to th' asset currency?" N . Bill swallered his terbacker, but be comes back mighty game 'An' shouted that Tom Bobbins ought to feel a sense o' shame For ever intimatin' that th' president :waswronir. - vnwwojw mt 'An' th.cn continued talkin' ,wltb an -accent good an' strong: The president is bustin' every trust that shows Us head-, An' Wall street Is objectin' 'cause it kills their gamblin' dead." Then Bobbins, with a chuckle, looks at Bill an' says, says he: "Have you heard Wall street objectin' to his tariff policy?" ' Then Smitliers rose a snortln' .an' he said he wouldn't stay When Bobbins was insiiltin'-Bdosevelt in such a way. ".He .compelled tbem railroad .fellers to give decent railroad rates, Ail' he's got 'em goin' plenty on th' matter of rebates; Which tli' same is mighty pleasin' to th' honest men I meet, But is mlgtity bitter p'lson to th' ' schemers in Wall street." But Bobbins he was ready, an' be says 1 to Bill, says he: "Have you heaM Wall street objectin' to his federal policy?" . "You traitor!" Smitliers shouted as he jumped straight up in air, But Bobbins wasn't flustered an' just tilted back bis chair, "You weary me," said Smithors, "with your narrow politics, 'A fightin' 'stead of helpln' Roosevelt with your best licks. He's republican, is Teddy, an' th' best since Lincoln's day; That's the reason that you Bourbons ' won't glyo Theodore fair play." Then Bobbins shakes with laughln' an' he says to Bill, says he: "All them good things you have men tioned he got from democracy." up against the hatrack and threw his hat in a chair. "Well, I guess the 'stick' in them wus plenty .big enough," said Mrs. Bil dong, who knew a thing or two about politics. Terminology "Did Miss DeThumppe execute her musical number well?" "Did she? Why, she lynched it" Near , "He is one of my closest friends." "I didn't know that." "Yes. He's never got a cent with him when I want to make a touch." "If all these fall we will then go to trlnl." t "What will bo the defense?" "First emotional insanity." "If that don't work?" "Then we'll switch to justifiable homicide." "But If that falls?" "Well, we'll ask for a now trial." "If wfiNlon't get It?" "Appeal the case." "If it goes against us?" "Take It to the supreme court.''' "And then?" "Theu we'll have to petition the gov ernor for a pardon' "But if that fails?" "Then we'll have to make it a v&y lltlcal issue." "But if even that Is useless?" "Well, by that time your great grandchildren will be doddering around with old age and you'll be long past taking any interest in the case. 1 tell you our methods of legal pro cedure are wonderful, sir; wonderful." rJ5B3ai-EEIiEra Wo carry the bout lypa Of Kd com grown, Tery Trlety, unirorm grain, largo i genn, carefully irrowBfwUrrded. Nocorn can bo bettor Uian loir corn. Wrlto for eat I Jo?, Information, etc. W. W. VAN 8ANT & SONS, Box 2. Farragut, la. M,MirM tors' TrMM Old Trusty" Try ekkkwi raisin pr on the Joan fi pi. My people ur u on. thaataatio lot. We get Uie recall. &.year gniinuitee. Loir price. Old Tnmty Catalajrae telle the whole vimUkt'm ewrT K'aiTKJCK-wriieioritKMMiy. PH. M. jagrmtt C CLAY CKHTEM. KEB. fflEjz&n ? thai Symptomatic "Cholly Van Ness was acting queer ly last night. Do you think he is suf fering from a brain storm?" "Hardly. But it might have been a little mental cloud." The Seasons The calendar says April But there must beBome mistake; The winds that blow so keenly Chill my blood and make me shake. The calendar is twisted And I reckon pretty soon We'll welcome January When the calendar says June. Mistaken "Yes, sir; just as soon as the boss learned that he was sick he called in a doctor and had every attention paid. Took him out of the mine and gave him the best of everything." "He must be a good man to work for." - ' "O, there may be worse." "You don't seem to think very much of an employer who will give a sick man so much attention." "Who said anything about a sick man. I was talking about one of the mine mules." The Triumph Carpet and Kug Fastener A revolution in Domestic lEconomy. Everv home. maker should uie it. 80c per 100. noititfe raid. Aik your dealer Tor them or address The Allerton (la.) Manufacturing Company. n?PATENTS that PROTECT n.S.,1 A, B.LACEY, Washington, O.C, Eatab.1819. if Great Idea "I've got a fortune in my grasp XOTJus ge.Utiiings to' going right" "What 'is. it? Some great mechanical .device?" . "No. I just perfected a magnificent government subsidy plan, and now ull I've got to do is to think up something to hitch it to and get a few congress men interested." Suspicious iWith his underpinning somewhat wobblv Mr. Billdong entered -the ouse long after Msacpustomed hour, r "Whewi wbat-httve you been drink-, ihg?" querjed Mrs. BUdong. "Irtish a few Roosevelt lem'nades, m'dear," said Mr. Bildong as he leaned J Brain Storm Last night I took a hammer And some nails to fix a chair My mind was gay and happy And all the world seemed fair. The first nail that I hammered Was on my finger. See? And the brain storm that-then followed Wrecked my whole mentality. Finis 'Remember Bllkins,'"the fellow who cut such a wide financial .swath, here a few years ago?" "Yes, what about him?" "Well, he went out west and started in on the same course, but I' see by the papers that he has reached the end of his rope." "Can't work the people any more, 'eh?" ' ',",' "Nope. Stole a horse and they hung him." Circumlocution The unhappy prisoner was consult ing witlrhis attorney. "What will you do?" asked the priS "We will first attempt to have the indictment nollied." "And then, if that fails?" "Then we will demur to the indict ment." "Then what?" "Then we will take a .change of venue." "Then?" if "Make affidavit for continuance." "And then?" . wpnvn finnther on the ground of not being able to get service on Important, witnesses.". "Well, what then?" Brain Leaks Sin has no sex. A man is never alone when with a good book. The pasture is always richer on the far side o the fence. A son always feels younger after visiting with the "old folks." " How annoying it is to have anybody else's child cry at Uie theatrq. It is never difficult to find an ex cuse for those we really love. A man wastes time if he gives ,ill of It to watching his enemies. The "unwritten law" is merely the safety valve of human nature. The richest men are those who make the most of what they can get. Lawyers never quarrel over the es tate of a man who leaves nothing but a good name. A home that has cost nothing in the way of sacrifice Is usually only a mere stopping place. Speaking of "brain storms," is your wife showing symptoms of the spring house-cleaning fever? , Some men practice so long for a good start that they are utterly ex hausted when the pistol cracks. Just because they cannot makd a silk purse out of a sow's ear a' lot of nifn never try to make anything. If the "innocent purchaser" law were repealed it would suddenly edu cate a lot of men who now profess ignorance. When a man fails everybody is icady to give the reason for It When a man succeeds everybody is ready to cypress surprise. Some men chloroform their con sciences and then claim immunity be cause they had no intimation they were doing wrong. Women usually have a hard time Willi parliamentary practice because it Is so hard for them to keep track of the previous question. We are going to write a scathing article about the outlandish shapes of women's hats just as soon as we learn why a man buys a hig crowned soft hat and then punches it full of dents. A lot of people doubt the efficacy of prayer because they only try it when they feel like asking for some thing they want. Those who ask for what they need seldom express 4iny doubts. "" POLLED JERSEYS Rich milklriK beauties. Bred for business. A few yountc bulls for alo. Chas. S. Hatfield, Iiouto 4, Sprincflcld, O. Voters of Missouri ;; . 0r&s general election the Initiative and Referendum will be submitted to your vote. We want every genuine demo crat to join our league. Send for our interesting and valuable proposition. Referendum League, 1028 N. Broadway, St. Louis, Mo, OjOFTiS 16YSTEM You Cun Own u Diamond ortWatck. Wa undone on annrora. If youiikelt, pay l.&on: dellYery. balance 8 monUilr payr"ntf. Cataloc free. Write non. UtVTlH ItBOH. ).. 1'fpt. 1)00 03 HUleBt.. Chicago, 1H.1 Life and Speeches I of W. J. Bryan Illustrated octavo, 405 patres, published In 1000, nothlntr later, nothlnu in print more completo. A few copies, last of publlshcr'B stock at tf reatly reduced prlco. Substantially bound In cloth, by mall, prepaid, $1.00 copy. G. H. WALTERS, gfiB,8; Jefferson's Bible The Life and Morals of JESUS OF NAZARETfl Extracted Textually from the Goipeli, together with a comparison of hi doctrines with those of others. By THOMAS JEFFERSON Jefferson's mission was leadership. Without an effort on his part ezprcssioni from bis lips, that from other men's would scarcely have at tractcd notice, became thenceforth axioms, creeds, and gathering-cries of great masses of hi countrymen. Henry S. Randall, Jefferson's Bible is a book of 166 pages, well printed and substantially bound in cloth. It was published originally to be sold for $1.00 per copy. By purchasing the book in large numbers we are able to offer Commoner readers an ex ceptional price of 75c per copy; tent by mail, postage prepaid. ) ADDRESS ALJL ORDERS TO' THE COMMONER, LINCOLN, NEBRASKA ' ' I I 41 ri 'i i -i i 1 z. U JV iWmU&'AXr .t.ftM. .