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'AriUL 20, 1007
The Commoiieri
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At the Grocery Store
ttill Sixiitlicrs was a talkin' of thrplans
an' policies
"Which Roosevelt is pushin' to btlng
Wall street to its knees;
An' William, when he's started, slings
th' language mighty free.
"1 tell you, boys," ho shouted, "Teddy's
just a suitin' me; ,,,,,,,
Them Wall street sharks hes book.n
an' a pullin' 'em to land,
An' reducin' of their povor in a way
to beat th' band."
But just then Tom Bobbins entered an
he says to liiii, says ue;
"Does Wall street make objection to
tli' shippin' subsidy?"
That stumped Bill for a minute, but
he caugbt his breath an' said,
While cuttin' some terbacker an' a
waggin' of his bead:
Th' president is trimmln' of them
gamblin' fellers' claws,
'An' showin' them they're subject to tli'
country's rules an' laws;
He's a callin' 'em to order, an' they
haye to walk th' chalk
I tell you Ted's a wonder, an' they
jump to hear him talk."
An' Bobbins, never smilin', looks at
Bill an' says, says he:
"Have you heard Wall street objectin'
to th' asset currency?" N .
Bill swallered his terbacker, but be
comes back mighty game
'An' shouted that Tom Bobbins ought
to feel a sense o' shame
For ever intimatin' that th' president
:waswronir. - vnwwojw mt
'An' th.cn continued talkin' ,wltb an -accent
good an' strong:
The president is bustin' every trust
that shows Us head-,
An' Wall street Is objectin' 'cause it
kills their gamblin' dead."
Then Bobbins, with a chuckle, looks
at Bill an' says, says he:
"Have you heard Wall street objectin'
to his tariff policy?" '
Then Smitliers rose a snortln' .an' he
said he wouldn't stay
When Bobbins was insiiltin'-Bdosevelt
in such a way.
".He .compelled tbem railroad .fellers
to give decent railroad rates,
Ail' he's got 'em goin' plenty on th'
matter of rebates;
Which tli' same is mighty pleasin' to
th' honest men I meet,
But is mlgtity bitter p'lson to th'
' schemers in Wall street."
But Bobbins he was ready, an' be says
1 to Bill, says he:
"Have you heaM Wall street objectin'
to his federal policy?" .
"You traitor!" Smitliers shouted as he
jumped straight up in air,
But Bobbins wasn't flustered an' just
tilted back bis chair,
"You weary me," said Smithors, "with
your narrow politics,
'A fightin' 'stead of helpln' Roosevelt
with your best licks.
He's republican, is Teddy, an' th' best
since Lincoln's day;
That's the reason that you Bourbons
' won't glyo Theodore fair play."
Then Bobbins shakes with laughln' an'
he says to Bill, says he:
"All them good things you have men
tioned he got from democracy."
up against the hatrack and threw his
hat in a chair.
"Well, I guess the 'stick' in them
wus plenty .big enough," said Mrs. Bil
dong, who knew a thing or two about
politics.
Terminology
"Did Miss DeThumppe execute her
musical number well?"
"Did she? Why, she lynched it"
Near ,
"He is one of my closest friends."
"I didn't know that."
"Yes. He's never got a cent with
him when I want to make a touch."
"If all these fall we will then go to
trlnl." t
"What will bo the defense?"
"First emotional insanity."
"If that don't work?"
"Then we'll switch to justifiable
homicide."
"But If that falls?"
"Well, we'll ask for a now trial."
"If wfiNlon't get It?"
"Appeal the case."
"If it goes against us?"
"Take It to the supreme court.'''
"And then?"
"Theu we'll have to petition the gov
ernor for a pardon'
"But if that fails?"
"Then we'll have to make it a v&y
lltlcal issue."
"But if even that Is useless?"
"Well, by that time your great
grandchildren will be doddering
around with old age and you'll be long
past taking any interest in the case.
1 tell you our methods of legal pro
cedure are wonderful, sir; wonderful."
rJ5B3ai-EEIiEra
Wo carry the bout lypa Of Kd com
grown, Tery Trlety, unirorm grain, largo i
genn, carefully irrowBfwUrrded. Nocorn
can bo bettor Uian loir corn. Wrlto for eat I
Jo?, Information, etc.
W. W. VAN 8ANT & SONS,
Box 2. Farragut, la.
M,MirM tors' TrMM
Old Trusty"
Try ekkkwi raisin pr on the Joan
fi pi. My people ur u on.
thaataatio lot. We get Uie recall.
&.year gniinuitee. Loir price. Old
Tnmty Catalajrae telle the whole
vimUkt'm ewrT K'aiTKJCK-wriieioritKMMiy.
PH. M. jagrmtt C CLAY CKHTEM. KEB.
fflEjz&n
? thai
Symptomatic
"Cholly Van Ness was acting queer
ly last night. Do you think he is suf
fering from a brain storm?"
"Hardly. But it might have been a
little mental cloud."
The Seasons
The calendar says April
But there must beBome mistake;
The winds that blow so keenly
Chill my blood and make me shake.
The calendar is twisted
And I reckon pretty soon
We'll welcome January
When the calendar says June.
Mistaken
"Yes, sir; just as soon as the boss
learned that he was sick he called in
a doctor and had every attention paid.
Took him out of the mine and gave
him the best of everything."
"He must be a good man to work
for." - '
"O, there may be worse."
"You don't seem to think very much
of an employer who will give a sick
man so much attention."
"Who said anything about a sick
man. I was talking about one of the
mine mules."
The Triumph Carpet and
Kug Fastener
A revolution in Domestic
lEconomy. Everv home.
maker should uie it. 80c
per 100. noititfe raid. Aik
your dealer Tor them or address The Allerton (la.)
Manufacturing Company.
n?PATENTS that PROTECT
n.S.,1 A, B.LACEY, Washington, O.C, Eatab.1819.
if
Great Idea
"I've got a fortune in my grasp
XOTJus ge.Utiiings to' going right"
"What 'is. it? Some great mechanical
.device?" .
"No. I just perfected a magnificent
government subsidy plan, and now ull
I've got to do is to think up something
to hitch it to and get a few congress
men interested."
Suspicious
iWith his underpinning somewhat
wobblv Mr. Billdong entered -the ouse
long after Msacpustomed hour,
r "Whewi wbat-httve you been drink-,
ihg?" querjed Mrs. BUdong.
"Irtish a few Roosevelt lem'nades,
m'dear," said Mr. Bildong as he leaned J
Brain Storm
Last night I took a hammer
And some nails to fix a chair
My mind was gay and happy
And all the world seemed fair.
The first nail that I hammered
Was on my finger. See?
And the brain storm that-then followed
Wrecked my whole mentality.
Finis
'Remember Bllkins,'"the fellow who
cut such a wide financial .swath, here
a few years ago?"
"Yes, what about him?"
"Well, he went out west and started
in on the same course, but I' see by
the papers that he has reached the end
of his rope."
"Can't work the people any more,
'eh?" ' ',",'
"Nope. Stole a horse and they hung
him."
Circumlocution
The unhappy prisoner was consult
ing witlrhis attorney.
"What will you do?" asked the priS
"We will first attempt to have the
indictment nollied."
"And then, if that fails?"
"Then we will demur to the indict
ment." "Then what?"
"Then we will take a .change of
venue."
"Then?" if
"Make affidavit for continuance."
"And then?" .
wpnvn finnther on the ground of not
being able to get service on Important,
witnesses.".
"Well, what then?"
Brain Leaks
Sin has no sex.
A man is never alone when with a
good book.
The pasture is always richer on the
far side o the fence.
A son always feels younger after
visiting with the "old folks." "
How annoying it is to have anybody
else's child cry at Uie theatrq.
It is never difficult to find an ex
cuse for those we really love.
A man wastes time if he gives ,ill
of It to watching his enemies.
The "unwritten law" is merely the
safety valve of human nature.
The richest men are those who
make the most of what they can get.
Lawyers never quarrel over the es
tate of a man who leaves nothing but
a good name.
A home that has cost nothing in the
way of sacrifice Is usually only a mere
stopping place.
Speaking of "brain storms," is your
wife showing symptoms of the
spring house-cleaning fever?
, Some men practice so long for a
good start that they are utterly ex
hausted when the pistol cracks.
Just because they cannot makd a
silk purse out of a sow's ear a' lot of
nifn never try to make anything.
If the "innocent purchaser" law
were repealed it would suddenly edu
cate a lot of men who now profess
ignorance.
When a man fails everybody is
icady to give the reason for It When
a man succeeds everybody is ready to
cypress surprise.
Some men chloroform their con
sciences and then claim immunity be
cause they had no intimation they
were doing wrong.
Women usually have a hard time
Willi parliamentary practice because
it Is so hard for them to keep track
of the previous question.
We are going to write a scathing
article about the outlandish shapes of
women's hats just as soon as we learn
why a man buys a hig crowned soft
hat and then punches it full of dents.
A lot of people doubt the efficacy
of prayer because they only try it
when they feel like asking for some
thing they want. Those who ask for
what they need seldom express 4iny
doubts. ""
POLLED JERSEYS Rich milklriK beauties.
Bred for business. A few yountc bulls for alo.
Chas. S. Hatfield, Iiouto 4, Sprincflcld, O.
Voters of Missouri ;; . 0r&s
general election the Initiative and Referendum will be
submitted to your vote. We want every genuine demo
crat to join our league. Send for our interesting and
valuable proposition. Referendum League, 1028 N.
Broadway, St. Louis, Mo,
OjOFTiS
16YSTEM
You Cun Own u Diamond ortWatck.
Wa undone on annrora. If youiikelt, pay l.&on:
dellYery. balance 8 monUilr payr"ntf. Cataloc free. Write non.
UtVTlH ItBOH. ).. 1'fpt. 1)00 03 HUleBt.. Chicago, 1H.1
Life and Speeches I
of W. J. Bryan
Illustrated octavo, 405 patres, published In
1000, nothlntr later, nothlnu in print more
completo. A few copies, last of publlshcr'B
stock at tf reatly reduced prlco. Substantially
bound In cloth, by mall, prepaid, $1.00 copy.
G. H. WALTERS, gfiB,8;
Jefferson's Bible
The Life and Morals of
JESUS OF NAZARETfl
Extracted Textually from the Goipeli, together with
a comparison of hi doctrines with those of others.
By THOMAS JEFFERSON
Jefferson's mission was leadership. Without
an effort on his part ezprcssioni from bis lips,
that from other men's would scarcely have at
tractcd notice, became thenceforth axioms,
creeds, and gathering-cries of great masses of hi
countrymen. Henry S. Randall,
Jefferson's Bible is a book of 166 pages, well
printed and substantially bound in cloth. It was
published originally to be sold for $1.00 per
copy. By purchasing the book in large numbers
we are able to offer Commoner readers an ex
ceptional price of 75c per copy; tent by mail,
postage prepaid.
)
ADDRESS ALJL ORDERS TO'
THE COMMONER, LINCOLN, NEBRASKA '
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