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About Dakota County herald. (Dakota City, Neb.) 1891-1965 | View Entire Issue (April 23, 1904)
MARVtLS OF AMIMJ. IMtUIGENCC. 1 Bf f. The sensation of London nlxiut the year l"('i) was a "cats' opera." conducted by a Scotch shoo maker named Blsct, who had taught those orca turps to play tunes on the dulcimer as an oooom- panlmont to tluir own squnlling. Ills greatest i nuceess. liowover. wn with n pig which was seen for two or tlirpp days by many person of .ospoctnblllly to spell without any npparpnt di rection the names of those In tun company; to tysi up accounts; 10 poini om win on i 'i eons present; to tell exactly thp hours, minutes, seconds; to distinguish thp married from thp single," etc. While this learned pig wan performing In iMihlln an armed ruffian broke Into the room, (dew the nnlmal with his sword, as saulted Blsset himself, and so unnerved the unfortunate nlmal trainer that he took to his bed and died within a few d.iys. A naturalist, who is in charge of a tlnp museum assured Die that he had once seen n horse In a Held sleze and work with his teeth the handle of a pump In order to water some thirsty rows which were lowing lamentably over the wn terless trough! This naturalist had also seen a young half ' fledged sparrow which had fallen out of the nest helped back by Its parents thus: They thrust a straw Into the little derelict's beak and, seizing themselves each end of It, they flew up with the nestling above the nest, and then dropped hi m gently Into It! In a I'lfeshire village a sparrow had laid her eggs and tialf reared her brood In a last year's swallow nest. On the return of the swallows the original owner and builder tried to take possession of the nest with the help not of Its mate only but of a number of other swallows. Their combined efforts to dislodge the sparrow being vain, they liold a council of war, which sentenced the usurper to death. Not only the littlp band which had trlpd to storm the nest but thp whol flock of swallows fetched building material and In a short time vtallod tip Hip criminal and her brood to perish miserably. In a nest In the corner of one of the window of a house at Strothendry a brood of swollows was helf reared when a young sportsman, disappointed In duck shooting, fired at a flock of these birds and shot lioth the parents of the nestlings, rearing that the brood would jiorlsh of starvation he was about to remove them from the nest and try to rear them in the house, when he was amazed tc find the work of mercy lakeu out of his hands by the rest Of the flock of swallows! They took It In turn to feed the orphans till they were full fledged and able to provide for themselves! . . . -.t... ... I .. . I. COLLECTING FAD THE HEIGHT OF TOLLY. By H. a. It seems quite practicable tion In anything under the sun. .The fancier has nothing better to do than to take up the newest Idea. I have known people to ing sticks, hairpins, cats and r art of collecting stamps not being found difficult a enough in Its original form, work to make It more so. Some Ingenious per son discovered ' that stamps bers: oi perforations and were characterized , ters, and finally that even whole blocks of them had vary ing water marks. Conceive the delight of the brother hood! It was now possible to enlnrge the art. Stnmn col- lectors could surmount hill after hill In their ascent to wards the Ideal and still find their goal remote and Inac cessible.. Once developed to this point there pnuaiejy dhck. emporiums arose on all flreds of thousands of dollars were spent cuit. Coins have In some way a sort of excuse In themselves. And collections of pictures also might be tolerated If col lectors hung thein on their walls and iilmlred them. But the man who buys the pictures to stack them In his eel lars has passed from the dignity of the connoisseur. It I 2 LANDLUBBERS ON SHIPBOARD, When the United States monitor Arkansas anchored off Memphis on Its trip up the Mississippi Kiver a year ago, a family father, mother and seven children went on board the queer steel vessel. Tho father, the New York Sun says, held two of his boys by the hands, and ns they were showu about by one of tho appren tice seamen he pointed out objects of interest. "Thnt thar is the turtle, Johnny." ho said, pointing to the big turret with the twelve-Inch guns sticking out. "Goodness, paw!" said Johnny. "Jes' look what long front legs It's got!" "They call hit. a turtle, Jimmy," "paw" explained, "because It can turn clean over on Its back au' go after the iieiuy all spraddled out, I reckon." - At Faducab. Kentucky, a country .man boarded 'the Arkansas with a knowing air. He walked round for some time, going over the ship three or four times, but looking mostly at the fighting top. His eyes seemed fas ciliated If that part of the vessel, and the seamen noticed that be looked ex pectant, as If he thought something was going to happen there. Finally lie turned to one of them. "Fardner," said he, "when do they cull time nex'T" The sailor did not understand him, and said so. ""Hain't that Uie flghtln' top?" he Inquired. "Yea," replied tho sailor. "Wail." said the Kentucklan, "then balu't you-till goln' to give us a few rounds?" "What do you mean?" the sullor 'asked, supposing the visitor wanted them to fire the big guns for him. "I mean I como on this here steam boat to see a fight." said he, "en I wanted to see lilt. I've heerd tell a whole lot about the way you fellers fight with the mitts on, un' I want to see hit done. Ho I reckon as how It's about time you'all was a-glvlu' us a few rounds." Then the sailor understood. Tho visitor thought the flghtirg top was tie ring where the ship's men boxed. '.'What's this here thing?" . asked a boy, pointing to the winch used for bolHtlug the bouts. A seaman told blni whnt it was. "My stars!" he extiulmcd. ''Do you lift the enemy's boats clean outeu the water so's to get a good aim at 'em?" "Don't you have any ramrods t them gun barrels?" way the question jpf another Kentucklan, as he Inspect ed the big twelve-lucb guns. One of the ship's Jokers gravely told tilui that they pulled out the mainmast when tbey needed a ramroad, and that ' ibtt last time they used It the gun went 9ff accidentally and blew the main faast Into Posey County, Indiana. Which explained wby the ship bad no tnuluKust thou. 5 9. O'Connor, ft. F, Is the same with prints and Jewels. These things are ra liable; tint they must needs be rendered Infinitely costly and deadly uninteresting by the collector. The cult of first editions Is a commercial matter in which the credulity and folly of the collector make the market price. It Is not sentiment that moves the collector of these things, for be will exchange or sell his boasted IMckenscs or Scotts for other volumes by other authors which he considers more precious.' Hp Is nctuat.Ml wholly by this abominable mania, healers know It and grin in their sleeves, so to speak, and batten on lihn until they, too, become Infected by the dis ease, and so the madness goes round. The science of collecting Is a colossal monument to the folly of human nature. It Is a well known fact that col lecting dulls the moral facilities. I have known philatelists play the most atximlnable tricks In what is known as "swaps;" and It Is notorious that you cannot trust a china ornament to a china maniac. But the craze for china Is more or less decent in comparison with more unworthy lunulas, such as that developed by tobacco manufacturers In stimulating the collection of gaudy cigarette pictures and demoralizing thp youth of the land. It Is a pity some one will not collect collectors and dispose of them. UNCONSCIOUS ASSIMILATION AND PLAGIARISM. Br Dr. r. C. Klornaa. r.t 1... tii.l and Insanity, much Is unconsciously assimilated by the mind that remains without direct association with the daily life of the asslmilator. Cumin Doyle has been charged by a St. Ixuls news paper correspondent with plagiarism from Poe's 'Gold Hug." The allegation Is not supported by the citations, which simply show a similarity In thought and expression likely to occur to cryptographers. Similarities, however, exist between Conan Iioyle and Walter Scott and between Cousn Iioyle and I'oe-which do not admit of this explana tion. The smuggler scenes in "Mlcab Clark" and "Guy Mannerlng" are so nearly alike as to suggest the Influence of Scott on Iioyle. The mercenary warrior Saxon of "Mlcali ('lark," moreover. Is an undeniable replica of Dugnld Dalgetty of "A Legend of Montrose." In his case, and particularly In the case of the smugglers, unconscious assimilation is out of the question, since the surroundings of Saxon and the smugglers are altered and the phrase ology is .likewise. This shows deliberation Inconsistent with unconscious assimilation, more especially as Doyle has repudiated Scott's Influence upon him. Such deliber ation Is still moro evident In the instance of Toe's "Pur loined Letter" and Doyle's "Scandal in Bohemia." These tales, identical In plot and incident, vary only In the fact that Poe's woman, attacked by a diplomat with a com promising letter, becomes Doyle's king attacked by an actress with a compromising photograph. The methods of Poe's Dupln and Doyle's Sherlock Holmes are Identical. Tho memory of Wycherley, the dramatist, in his later years, was so enfeebled by Illness as 'to play him strange tricks. Ho would read himself to sleep with Montaigne, Itochefou cald, and llaclne. Next morning the thoughts of, these authors would be written down with entire unconscious ness as original. At other times Wycherley would repeat word for word as new his previous compositions. Since Doyle has repudiated tho Influence of Scott and Poe they ennnot be employed to explain his similarities to these authors, which are much greater than those that Master in Chancery Sherman detected between "Cyrano de Bergerac" and the "Merchont Prince of Cornvllle." Both Bostand'a production and the Merchant Trlnce, however, are based on the career of the historic Cyrano de Bergerac, from whose "Voyage to the Moon" Swift drew much of the satire of "Gulliver's Travels." Mmrrlott-Wmtson. to start a collec collect pipes, walk matchboxes. The the fancy set to had different num by different let- was no holding hands and bun annually In the "I don't see no reason why w outfit to sympathize with them .Jp,M said the butcher, as he s raped hi blo with tho edge of his clraver. "They ain't going to do us no good." "Why ain't th?y?" demanded the grocery clerk. "What good does the Chinese laun dry across the street do us?" asked the butcher. "They pay thelx bills, on' that's more'n some white folks do." "Yes, an' what for? For rice. Give em rice nn' that's all they want rice an' hop!" "You ain't on to your Job," said the groeory clerk. "They buy ducks an' the best ain't none too good for 'em an' they buy pork." KEEP IN CONDITION. Your Physical aud Mental Kqutpmeut lletermtno Your Hucceaa. The real material with which you build your career Is in you. Y'our owu self Is your greatest capital. The se cret of your future achievement Is lock ed up lu your brain, iu your nerves, In your muscles, in your ambition, in your determination, and in your ideal. Everything depends upon your physi cal and mental condition, for that gov erns your vitality, your vigor, and your ability to do things. The amount of physical and mental force you are nine to use lu your vocation will meas ure your ultimate success, and what ever lessens this force, or the effect iveness of your achievement capital, will cut down your usefulness lu life aud your chances of success. Achieve ment does not depend so much upon the size of the deposits you have In the bank as upon the amount of capi tal you have in yourself, the cller; i. iichh with which you can use it, and the power you call bring to your voca tion. A limn who Is weakened by ill health, or who h.ts sapped liU eii.'ixy by excessive use of tobacco or alcohol, or lu uuy other way, bus small chance for success when pitted against one who Is sound and vigorous lu every organ and faculty. Nature is not seutimeutal or meiel ful. If you violate her law, you must pay the penalty, though you sit on a throne; king or beggar Is all the same with her. Y'ou cannot plead weakness or baudlcap as an excuse for failure. She demands that you be ever at the top of your condition, that you always do your best, and will accept no ex cuse or epo!cgy. M i. bw III Wtl'V xzrzi I When two decades and more ago a Chicago clergyman pleaded unconscious assimilation aa an answer to an allegation of plagiarism the plea was sneered at as Involving an Impossibil ity. Unconscious assimilation, however, Is an ordinary mental process. Culture makes -ordinary mental processes automatic In like manner as training does walking. For, this reason lu :irdinary life, as well as to a less extent In idiocy "They ain't Japs, anyway." said the butcher. "You never Keen a Jap come In hero an' buy n good sirloin steak." "Well, the Russians don't eat any meat either to amount to unythin'." "I guess they do." 1 "I guess they don't. They Just live oi black bread nn' cabbage soup nn' b'lled cabbage. I was readln' about It yesfrday In the popers. You never hnd no Russians come lu here an' buy sirloin stenk an I'll bet you money on It" "You Just give yourself away," said the butcher. "If they live on b'lled cabbage don't they have to have corned beef to go with It?" And that argument floored the gro cery clerk. Chicago Dally News. A weakness anywhere mnrs one'a whole career. It will rise up as a ghost ull through one's life-work, mor tifying, condemning aud convicting one or pust error. Every Indiscretion or vicious Indulgence simply opens a leak which drnius off success capital. Of what use Is great success capital, of mental and physical equipment, if you are not wiso enough to manage It to the best advantage, and to make It Inst until your success Is assured? It is sad to see n young man try to wiu high place with n broken-down constitution, or with his faculties half trained, and Ills success army com pletely demoralized, bis prospects ruin ed by a shattered physique. The sad dest thing of nil Is that wise living might have made fullllliuent of ambi tion possible, and enriched the world with a iiolile, well-rounded life. The great problem, then, which ev ery one has to face, is how to gener ate energy, how tt conserve It, and how to keep oneself always nt the top of bis condition. Success. Too Siiililen. "It K. i'ius to mu you run your uutu ot an exceedingly high rote of speed." "Yes," replied the Itev. Mr. Skoreh er; "I can't bear tho Idea of causing any one to swear." "Eh? I don't grasp the Idea." 'Well, you see, when I hit any one going at top speed he doesn't get time to say anything." Philadelphia Press. l'iiae Population. , Asia coutalns more than half of the people of the world. i George Washington's reputation for ' truthfulness may have been due to the ' (act that be never traded borsea. T OLD' I FAVORITES 4-f-H-4"H"HH"H"t--H-f-H-ft-H-4-H- Hownlle, the Prairie Flower. On the distant prairio whero the heather wild In its quiet beauty lived and smiled, Stands a little cottage, and a creeping vine Loves around lis porch to twine. In thnt peaceful dwelling was a lovrly child, With her blue eyes beaming soft and mild, And the waving ringlets of her flaxen hnir, ' Floating iu the summer uir. CHOUUS. Fair as a lily, Joyous and free, Light of the prairie home wan she, Ev'ry one who knew her felt the niuglc power Of Kosulie, the prairie flower. On thnt distant prnirio when the days were long. Tripping like a fairy, sweet her song, With-the sunny blossoms and the birds nt play, Beautiful and bright as they. When the twilight shadows gathered In the west, And the voice of nnture sunk to rest, Like a cherub kneeling seemed the lovely child, With her gentle eyes to mild. , CHOUUS. Fnlr ns a lily, Joyous and free. Light of that prairie home was she. Ev'ry one who knew her felt the gentle power . Of Itosalief the prairie flower. But the summer faded and the chilly blast O'er that hnppy cottage swept ot last; When the autumn birds woke the dewy -morn, Little prairie flower was gonel For the angels whispered softly in her ear, "Child, thy Father calls thee; Stay not here." And they gently bore her. robed in spot less white. To their blissful home of light. chobus. Though we shall never look on her more, (tone with the love nnd joy she bore. Far away she's blooming, in a fadeless bower. Sweet Itosalie, the prairie flower. George F. Boot. "One Touch of Nature." For time is like a fashionable host That slightly shakes his parting guest by th' hand, And with his arms outstretched, as he would fly, Grasps in the comer; welcome ever smiles, And farewell goes out sighing. O, lot not virtue seek Hemiinei-ation for the tiling it was; ' For beauty, "wit, High birth, vigor of bone, desert in ser vice, Love, friendship, charity, ore subjects all To envious nnd calumniating time. One ' tfi":i of nature makes the whole . jiid kin Th.it ull, with one consent, praise new born gauds, Though they are made and molded of things past, And give to dust that is a little gilt Mors laud than gilt o'erdusted. William Shnkspeare. FAMILY "ALABASTER BOX." What Many Honaekeepere Bay They Will Do When Too Late. In homes without number the over burdened housewife keeps her "alabas ter box" packed away lu the spick and span spare room, hoping to get a chance to use It later on when the moro Insistent demands of the bread box and cooky Jnr, the linen closet, i.atch trunk nnd button box, the mend ing box and clothes bumper, the pork barrel nnd family medicine chest shall have all been attended to. Pending that time, the kindly letter of sympathy and appreciation goes unwritten, the friendly call unpaid, the word of encouragement and love un spoken, tho enress withheld. "By and by" we shall have time to take the children on our arms, "snuggle" them close and tell them tho real true stories of when you were a Httlo girl, that they love to hear. "By and by" we shall tell Johnnie and Dick bow proud nnd pleased we are of their progress In school; but now It might make them conceited. "By and by" we shall have time to listen to the dear old father's stories of the pnst which he loves to tell over and over again. If he can And an appreciative audience, but now we ore too busy. "By and by" we shall tell our girls what a comfort they ore to us, and how dearly we love them, but now there really Isn't time, and they must know It anyway. But "by and by," before we realize It, "all the sweet op portunities are past." The children have tlown from the home nest, the friend who sorely needed our words of cheer nnd sympathy has now no fur ther need for them, the dear father's voice Is silenced forever, nnd our olu baster box Is still Intact. House nnd home are not always syn onymous. The most carefully appoint ed bouse, orderly to the last degree nnd Immaculate ns wax, is frequently anything but homelike. There Is no place for the children to play, for n Utter cannot be tolerated. Tho young people must go elsewhere for their good times, for dancing and game wear out tho carpet. Father has to sit iu the kitchen to smoke, for tobacco gets lu the curtains. There are tidies and soft bead rests on all the chairs, but one must not lean against them; pretty soft cush ions on the couch, but they mustn't be "mussed"; dainty table linen and bright silver in the sldelmard, but It must bo ready for company; pretty dishes lu tho closet, but not for every day. Happy the woman who has solved the problem of how to keep a neat, at tractive and well-ordered house, yet not after institutional methods, where one scents the soap and carbolic from afar; where the children's rights are respected without their being allowed to Infringe on the rights of others; where grandmother feels that she It still of tie, and not a mere cuniheret of the chimney corner, ami for tlx friend the latchslring always out, nnd the welcome In. In such n home red-letter days abound; not those kept with pomp nnd circumstance, but little family festi vals nnd anniversaries when favorite dishes are remembered, the chair or place nt the toble specially decorated. loving messages sent and kindly greet ings exchanged. Kansas City Jour nal. DOCTOR FOR EIGHTY YEARS. AKcd Med lent Man Learned Indian Waya of C'urlnu. Bent by the burdens of bis 1(10 years, but still active nnd vigorous, and busy every minute of the day in the performance of the professional duties which have made him n famil iar figure on the streets of Mount Mor ris, X. Y., tor 'three-quarters of n cen tury, Dr. David Miner, the sole sur vivor of the Indian school of medicine In the east, passed his centenary, says the Bochester Herald. With skin tan ned and dried to pnrchnient hue by the suns of a hundred summers, with flowing locks nnd patriarchal beard whitened by the snows of a hundred winters, the bright-eyed little doctor, who weighs Just ninety pounds, hus tles about his business nil day us usual. He still gathers his own herbs nnd roots, with the li?lp of bis son, Jaines Aesculuplus Miner, nnd com pounds his own medicine, ns has been bis custom for the last eighty years Since tho death of Centenarian Dr. John P. Wood of Coffeevlllp, Kan., who died within the twelvemonth, the distinction of seniority nmong the members of the medical profession be longs to Dr. Miner, ns he is to-day the oldest practicing physician In the, world. In bis l.'th year David Miner went to live with the Oneida Indians. He dwelt nmong them three years, sharing their fortunes, partaking of their fare nnd tiiuklng their life his own. From Dr. Sharp Wing he learned the arts, the beliefs nnd the traditions which formed the stock In trade Of the In dian medicine num. All his life he has pr.t ilced the healing art os he learned it nmong the Indians. He rememliers thnt before he went to live with tho Indians Big Tree had been their chief. It was no uncommon practice for n white man to take a squaw to wife. It was, indeed, the persistent overtures of one of the chiefs, who desired to marry his daughter to David, which resulted in the letter's leaving tht tribe. Although small In stature. Da vid was a handsome, wiry youth, with the suppleness so dear to the savage breast, nnd his knowledge of wood cr.ift and medicine mnde him n desira ble son-in-law. Dnvld was greatly p posed to the union, however, and soon after returned to his own people. During his residence among the Oneida Indians Dr. Miner witnessed the sacrifice of nn Indian squaw, who was believed by the Indians to be n witch. Unable to fish In the lake on account of the presence of Ice. the chiefs commanded the squaw to exer cise her power of witchcraft in the breaking up of the Ice. She protested thnt she was unable to do It. Cutting a hole In the ice, the bucks seized the struggling squaw nnd shoved her through the opening under the Ice, so that she was drowned. In three ot four days a thaw came nnd the imme diate breaking up of the Ice confirmed the Indians in their pagan belief in sorcery and Incantation. Associating In dally Intercourse with the men of the forest glades, Dnvld became profi cient in the use of the Indian tongue and throughout his long life has re tained tlie ability to converse under standingly with the Oneldas. LITTLE KNOWN ABOUT FISH Recent Phenomenal Catchea Show the Habits of Finny Tribe Are Peculiar. During the year 1003 there was the largest run of salmn In Irish, English nnd Scottish waters ever known, and this came right upon a general assump tion from the records of preecdlng years that the fish were gradually dis appearing. This shows how little Is understood about the ways of fishes. It Is recognized thnt last year In England was phenomenally rainy. It broke every known record for precipi tation. There la an Intimation that this superabundance of fresh water may have had Its Influence in inducing the salmon to go upstream. The Spec tator says that many salmon stay around In the sen and refrain from go ing Into fresh water. It says, too, that It has been proved bys marking the flsh that within the space of five weeks and two days a salmon of ten nnd one half pounds bos been found to grow, to twenty aud one-quarter pounds. Xoth lng else grows so fast. The snmo Journnl refers to the story that salmon In our Western rivers push each other ashore In their upstream rush, and cants a doubt on this. But perfectly trustworthy persons, of high Intelligence nnd universal! respected, will vouch for It that they themselves have seen tho banks of rivers lu Brit ish Columbia packed with dead salmon which produced, such n disagreeable atmosphere by reason of their disinte gration that it was almost unbearable for people who had to p:iss that way. in the push of fish there Is not room for them lu narrow part.', and they are crowded right rp on the banks. There is no doubt of this, nnd It Is nmong the smaller nnecdotes of the kind t'.. I one will gather In n trip In t"i.it part !' the world. Wbut Wus Wrunif. A workman, on coming home in the evening, was usked by his wife to look nt the clock, hhe complained that the clock had been silent all day, and t he could not te'.l the reason. Her husbiind took It down and examined it careful ly. Then he took off the hands and face and looked at the works with tho aid of a magnifying glass. Next ho blew into It with the bellows, oiled the wheels, and thoji put It back aguln. But still It would not strike. Tired and puzzled be went off to lied. Next morning at breakfast bla wife said to him: "George, I think I can tell what Is miss with our clock." v "Well, what Is It?" be sharply asked "It wants winding up." said bis partner. Mamie What Is biology? Gladys I suppose It's the science of shopping. "How olxiut references?" inquired the mistress. "Oh, I loike yer looks, mum," said the applicant, "an' I won't ask yer for references." Bobbles What does this author menu by saying that tho hero had "well-carved" features? Dtfbblcs Perhaps he shaved himself. "I wonder, what makes my eyes an weak," said an ultrn-Undlcal once to Mr. Disraeli. "Why, they are in a weak place," said the latter. Little Willie Soy, pa, how does an army scour tho country? Pa With brushes, my son. Little Willie With brushes? Pa l'es, brushes with the enemy. May Did Clara's husband leave her much when he died? Belle lie left enough to make her comfortable, but not enough to get her a second husband. Life. Walter Will you try a course din ner? Country Groom No, sir; no coarse dinner for us. Bring us In the finest one you've got. We don't come down to the city every day; do we, Matilda? . Ho Do you know, dear, I was just upstairs looking at baby, ond I be lieve she has got your hair. She (springing hp) Good gracious! I thought I had put that switch out of tlie child's reach! "Did you ever see the Dardanelles while you were in Europe?" "Xo." answered Mr. Cumrox. "Y'ou see, we were so busy sightseeing thnt wo didn't have time to call on any of our friends." Washington Star. First Boy And because you couldn't find a penny to pny the fare, did the conductor make you get off the omni bus nnd walk? Second Boy Xo, he only made me get off. I could have sat In the rond If I wanted to.--Tit-Bits. "A tall bride is the bost-lwoklng, don't you think?" "Well," replied the titled Englishman who had caught on to a little American slong, "so far os I om personally concerned, I certnlnly em not looking for one who is short." Chicago Evening Post. The army officer looked with dls pleosure nt the soiled sheet of paper that hnd been handed him. "That's n measly looking document," he ex claimed, "i'es, sir," said the subor dinate, touching his hot. "It's the sick list." Chicago Tribune. Edyth Yes, you see she toid the count that her father's partner hnd robbed him of nearly all his wenlt'a, just to test his love for her. Maynic And then? Edyth He asked her for a letter of Introduction to the daughtar of her father's partner. Chicago Xews. i Johnny I wish my folks would agree upon one thing nnd not keep ine oil the time in n worry. Tommy What have they been doing now? Johnny Mother won't let me stand on my head, and dad Is all the time fussing because I wear my sho? out so fast. Mistress (returning from holiday) Why, Bridget, whatever has becomo of the parrot? Bridget Well, you see, mum, after you left it looked a bit pining like nnd didn't talk much, f-o the cook nnd I put It out of its misery, poor thing, nnd I had It stuffed for my new 'at. Judy. "They sny," said Mrs. Oldcastle, "that Mr. Foddtethwaite, who used to belong to our church, has become an agnostic" "Is that so? Joslah used to take his lunch at the sanio place he did down town, and he says he often warned him that he'd get It If he didn't give up eatin' so fast." Chicago Beeord-IIerald. Ilalllt What's the matter, Klay? Y'ou look all tired out? Klay And no wonder. I've had a hard day of It. I don't know when I've worked so hard. I looked at tho men clean up the rail road station this morning, nnd after that. I saw three safes raised Into four story windows, and four loads of coal delivered in baskets. Boston 'tran script. They bod been married only three nhort weeks, nnd he was actually In terested in his pnper at the dinner table. "Darling," she beg'in in n tone meant to be reproachful, "do you love me Just as much as you ever did?" 'Sure thing." he answered briefly. She ought to have been satlslled to let It go nt that, but she wasn't "Why?" she asked. "Don't know," ho replied. "Just n fool hiibit I've got nto. I snppose." Then for seventeen onsecutivo seconds silence ivigned supreme. Chicago News. At the tirst performance cn the new lmnh organ no one In the aiulleni't) was better pleased than the maid em ployed in the organist's family. "So you liked the music, did you, Mary':" mUI the organist the next morn'ng. reports cf her cnthu-l.i-mi bavin reached l.is cars. "t)h, it was .list urand." replied Mary, "the grandest I ever heard." "What did you like host':" i.sUeil the orgaiil-t, moved by tho -iowl'ii eulogy, "(ih, 1 don't know tliiit," said Mary. "But there was one place where you came down with both hands and your fot nt thp same time; that was ill out the 1 est. It -ounded like the steam roller coming down the Ktreet!" I'lcdjc Might Have S.iveil Him. Socrates had Jus-t drained the hem lock. "How foolish I wns." he exclaimed "I should have told them I swore oil nt Xew Year's. Bewailing his thoughtlessness, there wns nothing left b'lt to await the re suit. Xew York Tribune. Then He Shows lliniaelf. Kwoter You can never Judge a ma by bis clothes. Xewltt Unless he's clothed In a II. tie brief authority. It's easy to sUt blni up then, Philadelphia Press. Mixed Marriage In Australia. The first recorded case of the mar riage of n white man to a black "gin" lias Just occurred at Bamboo Springs, In Western Australia. According to the local paper, the ceremony had the ef fect of completely paralysing business In Bamboo Springs for th? day, the whole township turning out for the wedding. Nevertheless, the "lucky" n:nn, who is a well-to-1: grazier, hnd Somo difficulty In cveii o'ltaliilug wit nesses to sign tho resistor, two old prospectoijs finally co!i"ntlng when sufficient Inducement was offered Squirting .Muvu. A. E. Wheeler of Uen-vn, X.' Y., has recently Invented a imnle squirting hose, which is capable of distributing music to any . conshb i iblo distance. Alrendy twenty fnmllies nre being en tertained by his nightly concerts a hun dred miles away, .and nil at the same time, every note reaching the car dis tinctly. There is about sixty feet of ordinary rubber tubing, tme end being attached to the diaphragm of a phono graph machine and the other end to the transmitter of the telephone. Mr. Wheeler has succeeded iu getting th lound into the transmitter of the tele phone iu such a way that the harsh effect orr the other end of the wire bj mtlrely eliminated. That Acid Trouble. Colusa. Cnl., April is. Much has been snid and written recently about Uric Acid In the system; whnt causes It and bow to get rid of it. It is known to be the first cause of Kheumutism ond many other diseases, and has therefore received a great deal of at tention from medical men. Mr. L. F. Moulton of this place clolms that te hftl Bolv d the problem 6f how to get this acid cut of tlie sys tem. He says: ' TJ "I had this acid troii-le myself for years. At times the Khhiey secretions would be very profuse and nt other times scant, but the n .1 was always my greatest trouble. M -diclnc failed to cure me till at Inst I heard of a remedy called Dodd's Kidney Pills, and after taking a box I seemed to he entirely cured. However, it came back on me nnd this time I took several boxes with the result that 1 wns com pletely and permanently cured. This wns three years ago, and I have not had a single symptom of the acid trou ble since. I am 75 years of age, and I m well as ever I wns.'' Two of a Kioil. "Do you know, dear," said Mrs. Cum oe. as her lietce lord stumbled upstairs ' iu the eiuly morn, "that I've been awuke lor hours and hours waiting for you to ' come home from the club':" j "That's Jut like a measly woman," growled Cumsoe. "Here I've been at tlie club for hours and hocis waiting for J you to go to sleep." I Old Sofas, Backs of Chairs, etc?, can lie dyed with PUTNAM FADELESS DYES. j There Were Enough Inside. I In England the lord chancellor, by virtue of his office, has a right to ln ! spect oil public asylums and hospitals. One day while tlie lute Iord Herschcll was paying a visit at the house of a ( friend roar Norwich be went for an afternoon nnd, happening to pass by the great Insane asylum at thut place, the thought struck him that tills was a good time to perform tin official duty. ; Incidentally, It may be said that Herschcll bore the reputation of being , ' somewhat pompous nt times. He ' knocked at the door, which, after a ' long delay, was opened "You can't come Iu," he was In formed. "It's not'vlsLlng hours." "That makes no dift'-r--nce. I shnll inspect this Institution jiisi the same," "Indeed, but you'll not." ; "Come, come, my good man; I'm the , lord chancellor," Her: ilnil expostu- latcd. j "Oh, that's nil right." answered the . functionary, "we've four of you inside already.' Easy to Catch Hi Drift. 1 Discriminating read is know what the editor meant when he said In a re cent Issue of a Minneapolis pniier: "There i$ a little matter to which The ' Me$$enger beg? to call Cie atteution of ?ome of lt$ $ub$ciibt-r$. We really hate to (peak of it but $ome have Seemingly allowed It to $llp their mind$. To u? thi? 1$ n very Important l$$ue; in fact It's nece? $:ir in our bu$ inc$$. We won't fpeak further on the fubject Perhap$ you have already gue$$ed 'the drift of our remarks." I Tlie per capita consumption of spirits in the United .States is nuallfi' thun in any other of the great nations. CAME FROM COFFEE. I A Caae Where the Takii- of Morphine j licKun with C'on'cc. I "For 15 years," says a young Ohio woman, "I was a great sufferer from stomach, heart aijd liver trouble. For the last 10 years the suffering wns terrible; it would be imposib'e to de scribe it. During the last three years I had convulsions, from whi.-h the only rdlef was the use of morphine. "I had several physht.us, nearly all of whom advised me to slop drinking tea and coffee, but as 1 eo'.id take only liquid foods 1 felt I could not live with out coffee. I continued ir!:'.U g it until I became almost insane, my in nd was offected, while my whole nervous sys tem wns a complete wre iv. I sull'cre I day and night from thirt. and as water would only make n:e sic! I k pt on trying different drinks until n friend asked mo to try Postum i'oo I Coffee. "1 did so, but it was sinie lime be fore I was benefited by the change, my system was so tiled with coll'co poison. It was not lo lg. however, be fore I could eat all kinds of foods an I drink nil the cold water I won oil and which my system deimiml . it is now -!ght years I have drank in t'ilng but i'ostum for breakfast, an 1 th ' result has been that in lace f b i 'g mi in valid with my mind afl'cc cd 1 am now trong, sturdy, hn py and heal' by. "I have a very d licate dai.ghter who has been greatly benefit d by lrtiiklng Postum, also n strong boy who would rather go wliiout food for is breakfast than ids Postum. So nuch depends on the proper cooking of Postum, for linlevs It Is boiled the oroper length of time people will be isappointcd in It Th so In the habit f drinking strong coffee shruld make ie Postum very strong at first in or T to get a strong coffee taste." Name ven by Postum Co., Battle Creek, Itch. Look In each pkg. for the famous Uttie book, The Boad to WellTlIle."