MARVtLS OF AMIMJ. IMtUIGENCC.
1 Bf f.
The sensation of London nlxiut the year l"('i)
was a "cats' opera." conducted by a Scotch shoo
maker named Blsct, who had taught those orca
turps to play tunes on the dulcimer as an oooom-
panlmont to tluir own squnlling. Ills greatest
i nuceess. liowover. wn with n pig which was
seen for two or tlirpp days by many person of
.ospoctnblllly to spell without any npparpnt di
rection the names of those In tun company; to
tysi up accounts; 10 poini om win on i 'i
eons present; to tell exactly thp hours, minutes, seconds;
to distinguish thp married from thp single," etc. While this
learned pig wan performing In iMihlln an armed ruffian
broke Into the room, (dew the nnlmal with his sword, as
saulted Blsset himself, and so unnerved the unfortunate
nlmal trainer that he took to his bed and died within a
few d.iys.
A naturalist, who is in charge of a tlnp museum assured
Die that he had once seen n horse In a Held sleze and work
with his teeth the handle of a pump In order to water some
thirsty rows which were lowing lamentably over the wn
terless trough! This naturalist had also seen a young half
' fledged sparrow which had fallen out of the nest helped
back by Its parents thus: They thrust a straw Into the
little derelict's beak and, seizing themselves each end of
It, they flew up with the nestling above the nest, and then
dropped hi m gently Into It!
In a I'lfeshire village a sparrow had laid her eggs and
tialf reared her brood In a last year's swallow nest. On
the return of the swallows the original owner and builder
tried to take possession of the nest with the help not of
Its mate only but of a number of other swallows. Their
combined efforts to dislodge the sparrow being vain, they
liold a council of war, which sentenced the usurper to
death. Not only the littlp band which had trlpd to storm
the nest but thp whol flock of swallows fetched building
material and In a short time vtallod tip Hip criminal and
her brood to perish miserably.
In a nest In the corner of one of the window of a
house at Strothendry a brood of swollows was helf reared
when a young sportsman, disappointed In duck shooting,
fired at a flock of these birds and shot lioth the parents
of the nestlings, rearing that the brood would jiorlsh of
starvation he was about to remove them from the nest and
try to rear them in the house, when he was amazed tc
find the work of mercy lakeu out of his hands by the rest
Of the flock of swallows! They took It In turn to feed
the orphans till they were full fledged and able to provide
for themselves!
. . . -.t... ... I .. . I.
COLLECTING FAD THE HEIGHT OF TOLLY.
By H. a.
It seems quite practicable
tion In anything under the sun. .The fancier has
nothing better to do than to take up the newest
Idea. I have known people to
ing sticks, hairpins, cats and
r
art of collecting stamps not being found difficult
a
enough in Its original form,
work to make It more so. Some Ingenious per
son discovered ' that stamps
bers: oi perforations and were characterized
, ters, and finally that even whole blocks of them had vary
ing water marks. Conceive the delight of the brother
hood! It was now possible to enlnrge the art. Stnmn col-
lectors could surmount hill after hill In their ascent to
wards the Ideal and still find their goal remote and Inac
cessible..
Once developed to this point there
pnuaiejy dhck. emporiums arose on all
flreds of thousands of dollars were spent
cuit.
Coins have In some way a sort of excuse In themselves.
And collections of pictures also might be tolerated If col
lectors hung thein on their walls and iilmlred them. But
the man who buys the pictures to stack them In his eel
lars has passed from the dignity of the connoisseur. It
I
2 LANDLUBBERS ON SHIPBOARD,
When the United States monitor
Arkansas anchored off Memphis on Its
trip up the Mississippi Kiver a year
ago, a family father, mother and
seven children went on board the
queer steel vessel. Tho father, the
New York Sun says, held two of his
boys by the hands, and ns they were
showu about by one of tho appren
tice seamen he pointed out objects of
interest.
"Thnt thar is the turtle, Johnny." ho
said, pointing to the big turret with
the twelve-Inch guns sticking out.
"Goodness, paw!" said Johnny. "Jes'
look what long front legs It's got!"
"They call hit. a turtle, Jimmy,"
"paw" explained, "because It can turn
clean over on Its back au' go after the
iieiuy all spraddled out, I reckon."
- At Faducab. Kentucky, a country
.man boarded 'the Arkansas with a
knowing air. He walked round for
some time, going over the ship three
or four times, but looking mostly at
the fighting top. His eyes seemed fas
ciliated If that part of the vessel, and
the seamen noticed that be looked ex
pectant, as If he thought something
was going to happen there. Finally
lie turned to one of them.
"Fardner," said he, "when do they
cull time nex'T"
The sailor did not understand him,
and said so.
""Hain't that Uie flghtln' top?" he
Inquired.
"Yea," replied tho sailor.
"Wail." said the Kentucklan, "then
balu't you-till goln' to give us a few
rounds?"
"What do you mean?" the sullor
'asked, supposing the visitor wanted
them to fire the big guns for him.
"I mean I como on this here steam
boat to see a fight." said he, "en I
wanted to see lilt. I've heerd tell a
whole lot about the way you fellers
fight with the mitts on, un' I want to
see hit done. Ho I reckon as how It's
about time you'all was a-glvlu' us a
few rounds."
Then the sailor understood. Tho
visitor thought the flghtirg top was
tie ring where the ship's men boxed.
'.'What's this here thing?" . asked a
boy, pointing to the winch used for
bolHtlug the bouts. A seaman told blni
whnt it was.
"My stars!" he extiulmcd. ''Do you
lift the enemy's boats clean outeu the
water so's to get a good aim at 'em?"
"Don't you have any ramrods t
them gun barrels?" way the question
jpf another Kentucklan, as he Inspect
ed the big twelve-lucb guns.
One of the ship's Jokers gravely told
tilui that they pulled out the mainmast
when tbey needed a ramroad, and that
' ibtt last time they used It the gun went
9ff accidentally and blew the main
faast Into Posey County, Indiana.
Which explained wby the ship bad no
tnuluKust thou.
5
9. O'Connor, ft. F,
Is the same with prints and Jewels. These things are ra
liable; tint they must needs be rendered Infinitely costly
and deadly uninteresting by the collector. The cult of first
editions Is a commercial matter in which the credulity and
folly of the collector make the market price. It Is not
sentiment that moves the collector of these things, for be
will exchange or sell his boasted IMckenscs or Scotts for
other volumes by other authors which he considers more
precious.' Hp Is nctuat.Ml wholly by this abominable mania,
healers know It and grin in their sleeves, so to speak, and
batten on lihn until they, too, become Infected by the dis
ease, and so the madness goes round.
The science of collecting Is a colossal monument to the
folly of human nature. It Is a well known fact that col
lecting dulls the moral facilities. I have known philatelists
play the most atximlnable tricks In what is known as
"swaps;" and It Is notorious that you cannot trust a china
ornament to a china maniac. But the craze for china Is
more or less decent in comparison with more unworthy
lunulas, such as that developed by tobacco manufacturers
In stimulating the collection of gaudy cigarette pictures
and demoralizing thp youth of the land. It Is a pity some
one will not collect collectors and dispose of them.
UNCONSCIOUS ASSIMILATION AND PLAGIARISM.
Br Dr. r. C. Klornaa.
r.t 1... tii.l
and Insanity, much Is unconsciously assimilated by the
mind that remains without direct association with the
daily life of the asslmilator.
Cumin Doyle has been charged by a St. Ixuls news
paper correspondent with plagiarism from Poe's 'Gold
Hug." The allegation Is not supported by the citations,
which simply show a similarity In thought and expression
likely to occur to cryptographers. Similarities, however,
exist between Conan Iioyle and Walter Scott and between
Cousn Iioyle and I'oe-which do not admit of this explana
tion. The smuggler scenes in "Mlcab Clark" and "Guy
Mannerlng" are so nearly alike as to suggest the Influence
of Scott on Iioyle. The mercenary warrior Saxon of
"Mlcali ('lark," moreover. Is an undeniable replica of
Dugnld Dalgetty of "A Legend of Montrose." In his case,
and particularly In the case of the smugglers, unconscious
assimilation is out of the question, since the surroundings
of Saxon and the smugglers are altered and the phrase
ology is .likewise. This shows deliberation Inconsistent
with unconscious assimilation, more especially as Doyle
has repudiated Scott's Influence upon him. Such deliber
ation Is still moro evident In the instance of Toe's "Pur
loined Letter" and Doyle's "Scandal in Bohemia." These
tales, identical In plot and incident, vary only In the fact
that Poe's woman, attacked by a diplomat with a com
promising letter, becomes Doyle's king attacked by an
actress with a compromising photograph. The methods
of Poe's Dupln and Doyle's Sherlock Holmes are Identical.
Tho memory of Wycherley, the dramatist, in his later years,
was so enfeebled by Illness as 'to play him strange tricks.
Ho would read himself to sleep with Montaigne, Itochefou
cald, and llaclne. Next morning the thoughts of, these
authors would be written down with entire unconscious
ness as original. At other times Wycherley would repeat
word for word as new his previous compositions. Since
Doyle has repudiated tho Influence of Scott and Poe they
ennnot be employed to explain his similarities to these
authors, which are much greater than those that Master in
Chancery Sherman detected between "Cyrano de Bergerac"
and the "Merchont Prince of Cornvllle." Both Bostand'a
production and the Merchant Trlnce, however, are based
on the career of the historic Cyrano de Bergerac, from
whose "Voyage to the Moon" Swift drew much of the satire
of "Gulliver's Travels."
Mmrrlott-Wmtson.
to start a collec
collect pipes, walk
matchboxes. The
the fancy set to
had different num
by different let-
was no holding
hands and bun
annually In the
"I don't see no reason why w outfit
to sympathize with them .Jp,M said
the butcher, as he s raped hi blo
with tho edge of his clraver. "They
ain't going to do us no good."
"Why ain't th?y?" demanded the
grocery clerk.
"What good does the Chinese laun
dry across the street do us?" asked the
butcher.
"They pay thelx bills, on' that's
more'n some white folks do."
"Yes, an' what for? For rice. Give
em rice nn' that's all they want rice
an' hop!"
"You ain't on to your Job," said the
groeory clerk. "They buy ducks an'
the best ain't none too good for 'em
an' they buy pork."
KEEP IN CONDITION.
Your Physical aud Mental Kqutpmeut
lletermtno Your Hucceaa.
The real material with which you
build your career Is in you. Y'our owu
self Is your greatest capital. The se
cret of your future achievement Is lock
ed up lu your brain, iu your nerves,
In your muscles, in your ambition, in
your determination, and in your ideal.
Everything depends upon your physi
cal and mental condition, for that gov
erns your vitality, your vigor, and your
ability to do things. The amount of
physical and mental force you are
nine to use lu your vocation will meas
ure your ultimate success, and what
ever lessens this force, or the effect
iveness of your achievement capital,
will cut down your usefulness lu life
aud your chances of success. Achieve
ment does not depend so much upon
the size of the deposits you have In
the bank as upon the amount of capi
tal you have in yourself, the cller; i.
iichh with which you can use it, and
the power you call bring to your voca
tion. A limn who Is weakened by ill
health, or who h.ts sapped liU eii.'ixy
by excessive use of tobacco or alcohol,
or lu uuy other way, bus small chance
for success when pitted against one
who Is sound and vigorous lu every
organ and faculty.
Nature is not seutimeutal or meiel
ful. If you violate her law, you must
pay the penalty, though you sit on a
throne; king or beggar Is all the same
with her. Y'ou cannot plead weakness
or baudlcap as an excuse for failure.
She demands that you be ever at the
top of your condition, that you always
do your best, and will accept no ex
cuse or epo!cgy.
M i. bw III Wtl'V xzrzi I
When two decades and more ago a Chicago
clergyman pleaded unconscious assimilation aa
an answer to an allegation of plagiarism the
plea was sneered at as Involving an Impossibil
ity. Unconscious assimilation, however, Is an
ordinary mental process. Culture makes -ordinary
mental processes automatic In like manner
as training does walking. For, this reason lu
:irdinary life, as well as to a less extent In idiocy
"They ain't Japs, anyway." said the
butcher. "You never Keen a Jap come
In hero an' buy n good sirloin steak."
"Well, the Russians don't eat any
meat either to amount to unythin'."
"I guess they do." 1
"I guess they don't. They Just live
oi black bread nn' cabbage soup nn'
b'lled cabbage. I was readln' about
It yesfrday In the popers. You never
hnd no Russians come lu here an' buy
sirloin stenk an I'll bet you money
on It"
"You Just give yourself away," said
the butcher. "If they live on b'lled
cabbage don't they have to have
corned beef to go with It?"
And that argument floored the gro
cery clerk. Chicago Dally News.
A weakness anywhere mnrs one'a
whole career. It will rise up as a
ghost ull through one's life-work, mor
tifying, condemning aud convicting one
or pust error. Every Indiscretion or
vicious Indulgence simply opens a leak
which drnius off success capital.
Of what use Is great success capital,
of mental and physical equipment, if
you are not wiso enough to manage
It to the best advantage, and to make
It Inst until your success Is assured?
It is sad to see n young man try to
wiu high place with n broken-down
constitution, or with his faculties half
trained, and Ills success army com
pletely demoralized, bis prospects ruin
ed by a shattered physique. The sad
dest thing of nil Is that wise living
might have made fullllliuent of ambi
tion possible, and enriched the world
with a iiolile, well-rounded life.
The great problem, then, which ev
ery one has to face, is how to gener
ate energy, how tt conserve It, and
how to keep oneself always nt the top
of bis condition. Success.
Too Siiililen.
"It K. i'ius to mu you run your uutu
ot an exceedingly high rote of speed."
"Yes," replied the Itev. Mr. Skoreh
er; "I can't bear tho Idea of causing
any one to swear."
"Eh? I don't grasp the Idea."
'Well, you see, when I hit any one
going at top speed he doesn't get time
to say anything." Philadelphia Press.
l'iiae Population. ,
Asia coutalns more than half of the
people of the world.
i George Washington's reputation for
' truthfulness may have been due to the
' (act that be never traded borsea.
T
OLD'
I FAVORITES
4-f-H-4"H"HH"H"t--H-f-H-ft-H-4-H-
Hownlle, the Prairie Flower.
On the distant prairio whero the heather
wild
In its quiet beauty lived and smiled,
Stands a little cottage, and a creeping
vine
Loves around lis porch to twine.
In thnt peaceful dwelling was a lovrly
child,
With her blue eyes beaming soft and
mild,
And the waving ringlets of her flaxen
hnir, '
Floating iu the summer uir.
CHOUUS.
Fair as a lily, Joyous and free,
Light of the prairie home wan she,
Ev'ry one who knew her felt the niuglc
power
Of Kosulie, the prairie flower.
On thnt distant prnirio when the days
were long.
Tripping like a fairy, sweet her song,
With-the sunny blossoms and the birds
nt play,
Beautiful and bright as they.
When the twilight shadows gathered In
the west,
And the voice of nnture sunk to rest,
Like a cherub kneeling seemed the lovely
child,
With her gentle eyes to mild. ,
CHOUUS.
Fnlr ns a lily, Joyous and free.
Light of that prairie home was she.
Ev'ry one who knew her felt the gentle
power .
Of Itosalief the prairie flower.
But the summer faded and the chilly
blast
O'er that hnppy cottage swept ot last;
When the autumn birds woke the dewy
-morn,
Little prairie flower was gonel
For the angels whispered softly in her
ear,
"Child, thy Father calls thee; Stay not
here."
And they gently bore her. robed in spot
less white.
To their blissful home of light.
chobus.
Though we shall never look on her more,
(tone with the love nnd joy she bore.
Far away she's blooming, in a fadeless
bower.
Sweet Itosalie, the prairie flower.
George F. Boot.
"One Touch of Nature."
For time is like a fashionable host
That slightly shakes his parting guest by
th' hand,
And with his arms outstretched, as he
would fly,
Grasps in the comer; welcome ever
smiles,
And farewell goes out sighing. O, lot
not virtue seek
Hemiinei-ation for the tiling it was; '
For beauty, "wit,
High birth, vigor of bone, desert in ser
vice, Love, friendship, charity, ore subjects all
To envious nnd calumniating time.
One ' tfi":i of nature makes the whole
. jiid kin
Th.it ull, with one consent, praise new
born gauds,
Though they are made and molded of
things past,
And give to dust that is a little gilt
Mors laud than gilt o'erdusted.
William Shnkspeare.
FAMILY "ALABASTER BOX."
What Many Honaekeepere Bay They
Will Do When Too Late.
In homes without number the over
burdened housewife keeps her "alabas
ter box" packed away lu the spick and
span spare room, hoping to get a
chance to use It later on when the
moro Insistent demands of the bread
box and cooky Jnr, the linen closet,
i.atch trunk nnd button box, the mend
ing box and clothes bumper, the pork
barrel nnd family medicine chest shall
have all been attended to.
Pending that time, the kindly letter
of sympathy and appreciation goes
unwritten, the friendly call unpaid, the
word of encouragement and love un
spoken, tho enress withheld. "By and
by" we shall have time to take the
children on our arms, "snuggle" them
close and tell them tho real true stories
of when you were a Httlo girl, that
they love to hear. "By and by" we
shall tell Johnnie and Dick bow proud
nnd pleased we are of their progress
In school; but now It might make them
conceited. "By and by" we shall have
time to listen to the dear old father's
stories of the pnst which he loves to
tell over and over again. If he can And
an appreciative audience, but now we
ore too busy.
"By and by" we shall tell our girls
what a comfort they ore to us, and
how dearly we love them, but now
there really Isn't time, and they must
know It anyway. But "by and by,"
before we realize It, "all the sweet op
portunities are past." The children
have tlown from the home nest, the
friend who sorely needed our words of
cheer nnd sympathy has now no fur
ther need for them, the dear father's
voice Is silenced forever, nnd our olu
baster box Is still Intact.
House nnd home are not always syn
onymous. The most carefully appoint
ed bouse, orderly to the last degree
nnd Immaculate ns wax, is frequently
anything but homelike. There Is no
place for the children to play, for n
Utter cannot be tolerated. Tho young
people must go elsewhere for their
good times, for dancing and game
wear out tho carpet.
Father has to sit iu the kitchen to
smoke, for tobacco gets lu the curtains.
There are tidies and soft bead rests
on all the chairs, but one must not
lean against them; pretty soft cush
ions on the couch, but they mustn't
be "mussed"; dainty table linen and
bright silver in the sldelmard, but It
must bo ready for company; pretty
dishes lu tho closet, but not for every
day.
Happy the woman who has solved
the problem of how to keep a neat, at
tractive and well-ordered house, yet
not after institutional methods, where
one scents the soap and carbolic from
afar; where the children's rights are
respected without their being allowed
to Infringe on the rights of others;
where grandmother feels that she It
still of tie, and not a mere cuniheret
of the chimney corner, ami for tlx
friend the latchslring always out, nnd
the welcome In.
In such n home red-letter days
abound; not those kept with pomp nnd
circumstance, but little family festi
vals nnd anniversaries when favorite
dishes are remembered, the chair or
place nt the toble specially decorated.
loving messages sent and kindly greet
ings exchanged. Kansas City Jour
nal.
DOCTOR FOR EIGHTY YEARS.
AKcd Med lent Man Learned Indian
Waya of C'urlnu.
Bent by the burdens of bis 1(10
years, but still active nnd vigorous,
and busy every minute of the day in
the performance of the professional
duties which have made him n famil
iar figure on the streets of Mount Mor
ris, X. Y., tor 'three-quarters of n cen
tury, Dr. David Miner, the sole sur
vivor of the Indian school of medicine
In the east, passed his centenary, says
the Bochester Herald. With skin tan
ned and dried to pnrchnient hue by
the suns of a hundred summers, with
flowing locks nnd patriarchal beard
whitened by the snows of a hundred
winters, the bright-eyed little doctor,
who weighs Just ninety pounds, hus
tles about his business nil day us
usual. He still gathers his own herbs
nnd roots, with the li?lp of bis son,
Jaines Aesculuplus Miner, nnd com
pounds his own medicine, ns has been
bis custom for the last eighty years
Since tho death of Centenarian Dr.
John P. Wood of Coffeevlllp, Kan.,
who died within the twelvemonth, the
distinction of seniority nmong the
members of the medical profession be
longs to Dr. Miner, ns he is to-day
the oldest practicing physician In the,
world.
In bis l.'th year David Miner went
to live with the Oneida Indians. He
dwelt nmong them three years, sharing
their fortunes, partaking of their fare
nnd tiiuklng their life his own. From
Dr. Sharp Wing he learned the arts,
the beliefs nnd the traditions which
formed the stock In trade Of the In
dian medicine num. All his life he has
pr.t ilced the healing art os he learned
it nmong the Indians. He rememliers
thnt before he went to live with tho
Indians Big Tree had been their chief.
It was no uncommon practice for n
white man to take a squaw to wife.
It was, indeed, the persistent overtures
of one of the chiefs, who desired to
marry his daughter to David, which
resulted in the letter's leaving tht
tribe. Although small In stature. Da
vid was a handsome, wiry youth, with
the suppleness so dear to the savage
breast, nnd his knowledge of wood
cr.ift and medicine mnde him n desira
ble son-in-law. Dnvld was greatly p
posed to the union, however, and soon
after returned to his own people.
During his residence among the
Oneida Indians Dr. Miner witnessed
the sacrifice of nn Indian squaw, who
was believed by the Indians to be n
witch. Unable to fish In the lake on
account of the presence of Ice. the
chiefs commanded the squaw to exer
cise her power of witchcraft in the
breaking up of the Ice. She protested
thnt she was unable to do It. Cutting
a hole In the ice, the bucks seized the
struggling squaw nnd shoved her
through the opening under the Ice, so
that she was drowned. In three ot
four days a thaw came nnd the imme
diate breaking up of the Ice confirmed
the Indians in their pagan belief in
sorcery and Incantation. Associating
In dally Intercourse with the men of
the forest glades, Dnvld became profi
cient in the use of the Indian tongue
and throughout his long life has re
tained tlie ability to converse under
standingly with the Oneldas.
LITTLE KNOWN ABOUT FISH
Recent Phenomenal Catchea Show the
Habits of Finny Tribe Are Peculiar.
During the year 1003 there was the
largest run of salmn In Irish, English
nnd Scottish waters ever known, and
this came right upon a general assump
tion from the records of preecdlng
years that the fish were gradually dis
appearing. This shows how little Is
understood about the ways of fishes.
It Is recognized thnt last year In
England was phenomenally rainy. It
broke every known record for precipi
tation. There la an Intimation that
this superabundance of fresh water
may have had Its Influence in inducing
the salmon to go upstream. The Spec
tator says that many salmon stay
around In the sen and refrain from go
ing Into fresh water. It says, too, that
It has been proved bys marking the
flsh that within the space of five weeks
and two days a salmon of ten nnd one
half pounds bos been found to grow, to
twenty aud one-quarter pounds. Xoth
lng else grows so fast.
The snmo Journnl refers to the story
that salmon In our Western rivers push
each other ashore In their upstream
rush, and cants a doubt on this. But
perfectly trustworthy persons, of high
Intelligence nnd universal! respected,
will vouch for It that they themselves
have seen tho banks of rivers lu Brit
ish Columbia packed with dead salmon
which produced, such n disagreeable
atmosphere by reason of their disinte
gration that it was almost unbearable
for people who had to p:iss that way.
in the push of fish there Is not room
for them lu narrow part.', and they are
crowded right rp on the banks. There
is no doubt of this, nnd It Is nmong
the smaller nnecdotes of the kind t'.. I
one will gather In n trip In t"i.it part !'
the world.
Wbut Wus Wrunif.
A workman, on coming home in the
evening, was usked by his wife to look
nt the clock, hhe complained that the
clock had been silent all day, and t he
could not te'.l the reason. Her husbiind
took It down and examined it careful
ly. Then he took off the hands and
face and looked at the works with tho
aid of a magnifying glass. Next ho
blew into It with the bellows, oiled
the wheels, and thoji put It back
aguln. But still It would not strike.
Tired and puzzled be went off to lied.
Next morning at breakfast bla wife
said to him:
"George, I think I can tell what Is
miss with our clock."
v "Well, what Is It?" be sharply asked
"It wants winding up." said bis partner.
Mamie What Is biology? Gladys
I suppose It's the science of shopping.
"How olxiut references?" inquired
the mistress. "Oh, I loike yer looks,
mum," said the applicant, "an' I won't
ask yer for references."
Bobbles What does this author
menu by saying that tho hero had
"well-carved" features? Dtfbblcs
Perhaps he shaved himself.
"I wonder, what makes my eyes an
weak," said an ultrn-Undlcal once to
Mr. Disraeli. "Why, they are in a
weak place," said the latter.
Little Willie Soy, pa, how does an
army scour tho country? Pa With
brushes, my son. Little Willie With
brushes? Pa l'es, brushes with the
enemy.
May Did Clara's husband leave
her much when he died? Belle lie
left enough to make her comfortable,
but not enough to get her a second
husband. Life.
Walter Will you try a course din
ner? Country Groom No, sir; no
coarse dinner for us. Bring us In the
finest one you've got. We don't come
down to the city every day; do we,
Matilda? .
Ho Do you know, dear, I was just
upstairs looking at baby, ond I be
lieve she has got your hair. She
(springing hp) Good gracious! I
thought I had put that switch out of
tlie child's reach!
"Did you ever see the Dardanelles
while you were in Europe?" "Xo."
answered Mr. Cumrox. "Y'ou see, we
were so busy sightseeing thnt wo
didn't have time to call on any of our
friends." Washington Star.
First Boy And because you couldn't
find a penny to pny the fare, did the
conductor make you get off the omni
bus nnd walk? Second Boy Xo, he
only made me get off. I could have
sat In the rond If I wanted to.--Tit-Bits.
"A tall bride is the bost-lwoklng,
don't you think?" "Well," replied the
titled Englishman who had caught on
to a little American slong, "so far os
I om personally concerned, I certnlnly
em not looking for one who is short."
Chicago Evening Post.
The army officer looked with dls
pleosure nt the soiled sheet of paper
that hnd been handed him. "That's n
measly looking document," he ex
claimed, "i'es, sir," said the subor
dinate, touching his hot. "It's the
sick list." Chicago Tribune.
Edyth Yes, you see she toid the
count that her father's partner hnd
robbed him of nearly all his wenlt'a,
just to test his love for her. Maynic
And then? Edyth He asked her for
a letter of Introduction to the daughtar
of her father's partner. Chicago
Xews. i
Johnny I wish my folks would
agree upon one thing nnd not keep
ine oil the time in n worry. Tommy
What have they been doing now?
Johnny Mother won't let me stand
on my head, and dad Is all the time
fussing because I wear my sho? out
so fast.
Mistress (returning from holiday)
Why, Bridget, whatever has becomo
of the parrot? Bridget Well, you see,
mum, after you left it looked a bit
pining like nnd didn't talk much, f-o
the cook nnd I put It out of its misery,
poor thing, nnd I had It stuffed for
my new 'at. Judy.
"They sny," said Mrs. Oldcastle,
"that Mr. Foddtethwaite, who used
to belong to our church, has become
an agnostic" "Is that so? Joslah
used to take his lunch at the sanio
place he did down town, and he says
he often warned him that he'd get It
If he didn't give up eatin' so fast."
Chicago Beeord-IIerald.
Ilalllt What's the matter, Klay?
Y'ou look all tired out? Klay And no
wonder. I've had a hard day of It. I
don't know when I've worked so hard.
I looked at tho men clean up the rail
road station this morning, nnd after
that. I saw three safes raised Into four
story windows, and four loads of coal
delivered in baskets. Boston 'tran
script. They bod been married only three
nhort weeks, nnd he was actually In
terested in his pnper at the dinner
table. "Darling," she beg'in in n tone
meant to be reproachful, "do you love
me Just as much as you ever did?"
'Sure thing." he answered briefly.
She ought to have been satlslled to
let It go nt that, but she wasn't
"Why?" she asked. "Don't know,"
ho replied. "Just n fool hiibit I've got
nto. I snppose." Then for seventeen
onsecutivo seconds silence ivigned
supreme. Chicago News.
At the tirst performance cn the new
lmnh organ no one In the aiulleni't)
was better pleased than the maid em
ployed in the organist's family. "So
you liked the music, did you, Mary':"
mUI the organist the next morn'ng.
reports cf her cnthu-l.i-mi bavin
reached l.is cars. "t)h, it was .list
urand." replied Mary, "the grandest
I ever heard." "What did you like
host':" i.sUeil the orgaiil-t, moved by
tho -iowl'ii eulogy, "(ih, 1 don't know
tliiit," said Mary. "But there was one
place where you came down with
both hands and your fot nt thp same
time; that was ill out the 1 est. It
-ounded like the steam roller coming
down the Ktreet!"
I'lcdjc Might Have S.iveil Him.
Socrates had Jus-t drained the hem
lock. "How foolish I wns." he exclaimed
"I should have told them I swore oil
nt Xew Year's.
Bewailing his thoughtlessness, there
wns nothing left b'lt to await the re
suit. Xew York Tribune.
Then He Shows lliniaelf.
Kwoter You can never Judge a ma
by bis clothes.
Xewltt Unless he's clothed In a II.
tie brief authority. It's easy to sUt
blni up then, Philadelphia Press.
Mixed Marriage In Australia.
The first recorded case of the mar
riage of n white man to a black "gin"
lias Just occurred at Bamboo Springs,
In Western Australia. According to the
local paper, the ceremony had the ef
fect of completely paralysing business
In Bamboo Springs for th? day, the
whole township turning out for the
wedding. Nevertheless, the "lucky"
n:nn, who is a well-to-1: grazier, hnd
Somo difficulty In cveii o'ltaliilug wit
nesses to sign tho resistor, two old
prospectoijs finally co!i"ntlng when
sufficient Inducement was offered
Squirting .Muvu.
A. E. Wheeler of Uen-vn, X.' Y., has
recently Invented a imnle squirting
hose, which is capable of distributing
music to any . conshb i iblo distance.
Alrendy twenty fnmllies nre being en
tertained by his nightly concerts a hun
dred miles away, .and nil at the same
time, every note reaching the car dis
tinctly. There is about sixty feet of
ordinary rubber tubing, tme end being
attached to the diaphragm of a phono
graph machine and the other end to
the transmitter of the telephone. Mr.
Wheeler has succeeded iu getting th
lound into the transmitter of the tele
phone iu such a way that the harsh
effect orr the other end of the wire bj
mtlrely eliminated.
That Acid Trouble.
Colusa. Cnl., April is. Much has
been snid and written recently about
Uric Acid In the system; whnt causes
It and bow to get rid of it. It is known
to be the first cause of Kheumutism
ond many other diseases, and has
therefore received a great deal of at
tention from medical men.
Mr. L. F. Moulton of this place
clolms that te hftl Bolv d the problem
6f how to get this acid cut of tlie sys
tem. He says: ' TJ
"I had this acid troii-le myself for
years. At times the Khhiey secretions
would be very profuse and nt other
times scant, but the n .1 was always
my greatest trouble. M -diclnc failed
to cure me till at Inst I heard of a
remedy called Dodd's Kidney Pills,
and after taking a box I seemed to he
entirely cured. However, it came back
on me nnd this time I took several
boxes with the result that 1 wns com
pletely and permanently cured. This
wns three years ago, and I have not
had a single symptom of the acid trou
ble since. I am 75 years of age, and I
m well as ever I wns.''
Two of a Kioil.
"Do you know, dear," said Mrs. Cum
oe. as her lietce lord stumbled upstairs
' iu the eiuly morn, "that I've been awuke
lor hours and hours waiting for you to
' come home from the club':"
j "That's Jut like a measly woman,"
growled Cumsoe. "Here I've been at tlie
club for hours and hocis waiting for
J you to go to sleep."
I Old Sofas, Backs of Chairs, etc?, can
lie dyed with PUTNAM FADELESS
DYES.
j There Were Enough Inside.
I In England the lord chancellor, by
virtue of his office, has a right to ln
! spect oil public asylums and hospitals.
One day while tlie lute Iord Herschcll
was paying a visit at the house of a
( friend roar Norwich be went for an
afternoon nnd, happening to pass by
the great Insane asylum at thut place,
the thought struck him that tills was
a good time to perform tin official duty.
; Incidentally, It may be said that
Herschcll bore the reputation of being ,
' somewhat pompous nt times. He
' knocked at the door, which, after a
' long delay, was opened
"You can't come Iu," he was In
formed. "It's not'vlsLlng hours."
"That makes no dift'-r--nce. I shnll
inspect this Institution jiisi the same,"
"Indeed, but you'll not."
; "Come, come, my good man; I'm the
, lord chancellor," Her: ilnil expostu-
latcd.
j "Oh, that's nil right." answered the
. functionary, "we've four of you inside
already.'
Easy to Catch Hi Drift. 1
Discriminating read is know what
the editor meant when he said In a re
cent Issue of a Minneapolis pniier:
"There i$ a little matter to which The
' Me$$enger beg? to call Cie atteution of
?ome of lt$ $ub$ciibt-r$. We really
hate to (peak of it but $ome have
Seemingly allowed It to $llp their
mind$. To u? thi? 1$ n very Important
l$$ue; in fact It's nece? $:ir in our bu$
inc$$. We won't fpeak further on the
fubject Perhap$ you have already
gue$$ed 'the drift of our remarks."
I Tlie per capita consumption of spirits
in the United .States is nuallfi' thun in
any other of the great nations.
CAME FROM COFFEE.
I A Caae Where the Takii- of Morphine
j licKun with C'on'cc.
I "For 15 years," says a young Ohio
woman, "I was a great sufferer from
stomach, heart aijd liver trouble. For
the last 10 years the suffering wns
terrible; it would be imposib'e to de
scribe it. During the last three years
I had convulsions, from whi.-h the only
rdlef was the use of morphine.
"I had several physht.us, nearly all
of whom advised me to slop drinking
tea and coffee, but as 1 eo'.id take only
liquid foods 1 felt I could not live with
out coffee. I continued ir!:'.U g it until
I became almost insane, my in nd was
offected, while my whole nervous sys
tem wns a complete wre iv. I sull'cre I
day and night from thirt. and as
water would only make n:e sic! I k pt
on trying different drinks until n friend
asked mo to try Postum i'oo I Coffee.
"1 did so, but it was sinie lime be
fore I was benefited by the change,
my system was so tiled with coll'co
poison. It was not lo lg. however, be
fore I could eat all kinds of foods an I
drink nil the cold water I won oil and
which my system deimiml . it is now
-!ght years I have drank in t'ilng but
i'ostum for breakfast, an 1 th ' result
has been that in lace f b i 'g mi in
valid with my mind afl'cc cd 1 am now
trong, sturdy, hn py and heal' by.
"I have a very d licate dai.ghter
who has been greatly benefit d by
lrtiiklng Postum, also n strong boy
who would rather go wliiout food for
is breakfast than ids Postum. So
nuch depends on the proper cooking
of Postum, for linlevs It Is boiled the
oroper length of time people will be
isappointcd in It Th so In the habit
f drinking strong coffee shruld make
ie Postum very strong at first in or
T to get a strong coffee taste." Name
ven by Postum Co., Battle Creek,
Itch.
Look In each pkg. for the famous
Uttie book, The Boad to WellTlIle."
