The courier. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1894-1903, July 03, 1897, Page 8, Image 8

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Shark Postoffke.
' One mfternoon, when we wore in the
Indian ocran," raid the captiio, "I
noticed a shark swimming round the
ship, and I didn't like it a bit. You
know the superstition to the effect that
a following shark presages the death of
one of the ship's company. lie sailed
round us all the next day and the next
day after that, and I determined to
catch him and quell my uneasiness. We
baited a hook, and after a short time
captured and killed him. Then we cut
him up. Do you know what we found
in that shark's inside? No? Well, a
newspaper unopened, and it will sur
prise you, as it did me, when I till you
that it was addressed to me."
A shout of great laughter went up
from the captain's audience, who
winked at each other unblushingly. He
however took all the bantering in good
part, and when the Jeers were ended he
"Now, gentlemen, I'll tell you bow it
happened. I found that my children
had been skylarking the day before in
the cabin. Thej found among; the mass
of reading that had bsen brought
aboard some unopened newspapers ad
dressed to me. They had been throw
ing the newspapers at each other and
one of them went out of the port bole.
The shark saw it, of course, and
gobbled it down, and that was how it
happened. Now, gentlemen, judge for
yourselves the truth of my 6tory."
London Answers.
He was the same manager who in
si6ted upon putting Ophelia in bloomers.--Chicago
A Disappointed Youngster.
Paderswrki'a sjo, when a little boy
asked his father, who was playing in
Park at the time, whether he might go
the Cirque, where Paderewcki was to
perform. The distinguished pianist
C3Bontei. When the lad came home,
his father asked him how he had en
joyed himself. "Oh, not at allT was the
youngster's reply. "It was the dullest
circus I have ever been to. I expected
to see you go through hoops, bat you
only played at the piano, just as you
do at home." Lippincott's.
She Dazed the Doctor,
The Washington Star Bzya that a
lady recently called at the office of a
prominent Washington physician who
s email and boyish in appearance.
'Boy," she said, addressing him, "is the
doctor in? But I see ho "n not." "He
is in." began the physician, but the
visitor interrupted him. "Ob, he's in,
is he? Then he's engaged. I'll wait.
Does be allow you to tit at his desk
that way?' "Madam!" "Oh, of course
you would say he doe, but I'll warrant
you'll catch it if he Eees you theie. You
look sort of pale. I should think the
doctor would give you something to
make you stronger. Your n?a ought to
send you into the country. That would
make you grow. How soon do you think
the doctor will bs disengaged?"
"Madam, I tried to tell you before I
do not think you can see the doctor to
day." "Well, I'll come next time I'm in
town. But you ought to quit staying in
this office auJ go into the country. Not
that it w any of my business, but I do
hate to see boys look so pale and puny."
She disappeared, and the doctor is won
dering what she will say next time she
comes into the city.
The Revised Version,
"How Shall We Escape.'
The scriptures may be a dangerous
weapon to put into the hands of those
who pervert their meacing, either in
tentionally or through want of under
standing. Every one has heard how
Lorenzo Dow, having resolved to preach
a sermon against women's tall bonnets,
took for his text the wordi "Topknotf
come down," which be had ingeniously
perverted from the passage, "Let him
which is on the housetop not come
Lees artful than this, but quite as
amusing, was the unconscious error
made by a young student of theology at
Wilbraham Seminary, whoEe case was
recently related by an old divine. The
student went out one Saturday to
preach his trial sermon. When be re
returned Monday the venerable Dr. Y.
said to him:
"Well, how did you get along?''
"Oh, very well, I thought."
"Glad to hear it. What was your
"How shall we escaps if we neglect so
great salvation? '
"Very good text, very good text.
How did you handle it?'
'"Well, prat I showed them how great
this salvation was''
"That's right. And then?"
"And then I told them how they
might escape if they neglected it."
Youth's Companion.
"I think," said ths etage manager,
thoughtfully, "that, in view of the pre
vailing craze, you'd better add 'nit' to it
in order 1o prevent the gallery from
guying you. "It's just gb well to have it
understood that we're up to the times
andean readily tea where Shakespeare
fell down."
Milkmaids in Pictures.
There are few known instances of a
milkmaid being depicted on the
proper side of a cow in pictures. The
milker ought to sit with her right hand
toward the cows head, but in pictures
she is invairably shown (as far as my
observation goes) on the other, that is
to say, on the wrong side. Notes and
A Royal Barn,
One of the moat elaborate newspaper
hoaxes ever printed appeared in Paris,
and the peculiar thing about it was the
large share of credence with which it
was received not only by the Parisians
themselves, but by the people of France
generally. The story in brief says the
London Mail, was that the Queen of
England had been dead for eighteen
years, but that her death had bean kept
a profound secret and was known only
to a few persons in the British Empire.
The story related with circumstantial
detail that Queen Victoria passed away
quite suddenly in the fall of 1878, but
that for state reasons it was deemed
beet to keep her demise a profound se
cret. Accordingly, a woman in humble
circumstances, of about the same age as
the queen, to whom she bore a striking
resemblance, was discovered and in
stalled in the place of the dead sovereign
whose body was secretly buried in
a vavlt beneath one of the rojal resi
dences. The woman who was to impersonate
the dead queen was carefully coached in
the part she was to play, and in order to
lessen the risk of detection it was
publicly given out that the sovereign
would pass the winter abroad, as she
had determined to live in retirement
for a number of months. In the se
clusion of a little foreign town the im
personator of royalty was most assidu
ously trained in her part, and, being a
woman of wonderful cleverness and
discretion, she has been able to continue
the deception to this day.
The story was naturally not long
in traveling acioss the English Cnannel
to London, wheVe those who heard it
regarded the matter as one of the best
i Established 1887. 1897 t
Dealer in
m i
Fruits, vegetables etc
Telephone 6; 11U7 U street.
I Best Advertising Medium
A Weekly Newspaper
Is the
1 It is carefully read by the whole fatuity,
2 It is not thrown aside on the day of issue
is fresh for a week.
3 Ten thousand dollars are spent for magazine
to one hundred in daily newspaper advertising".
A The weekly newspaper is not put into the
waste basket.
5 Every advertisement is read.
jokes of the season. St Louis Post'
William's Spree,
The proprietor looked up with a
startled air when the noisy crowd pre
cipitated itself into the middle of his
little shop. But nis face reflected the
general mirth when Fiske announced,
with a faintly preceptible imitation of
William's drawl,
"Mr. Plumber, sir, has made up bis
mind to treat us. He's goin' to treat to
"Yes, Ebenezer," William affirmed,
genially. He stepped to the front, and
indicated with an awkward wave of his
hand how large was the contingent upon
his liberality.
"Now, boys, choose what you'll have,"
said he.
To his excited vision the number
seemed to double and treble. "It may
ta'ie a five dollar note," he reflected
recklessly, "or even more. But it's
worth it.'
The choosing began.
A few people who had been leisurely
drinking soda water set down their
glasses and stepped back to watch the
fun. Ebenezer looked on with a broad
grin. To William it seemed only natur
al that the matter of selection should be
a seriouB thing.
Charley Ludlow changed his mind at
least five times. Fit ke was torn between
the rival seductions of strawberry cream
and orange phosphate. At last he ap
pealed to William.
"Lo.d Lless you," eaid William,
beaming, "I don't know anything about
those things. But tate your time, take
your time. I want you should be suited.-'
He rubbed his hands with almost
jovial satisfaction. It seemed very
luxurious and extravagant, all th's talk
of fruit syrups, ice cream, and so on.
He had tasted ice cream only once or
twice in his life, and of fruit syrups he
heard now for the first time. "But I'll
do it," he still maintained within him
self, "if I have to mortgage the farm."
Louise Boynton, in July Lippincott's.
Every advertising rule deoends for its
success upon the fitness and common sense
with which it is applied. General principles
are like one of Captain Cuttle's observations,
"the bearing of which lays in the applica
tion on it."
Rheunuuism, Eczema, Kidney and
Stomach Trouble.
It is but the truth to say that hund
reds of people su Jering from the abovo
and other diseases have been cured or
greatly benefitted by the use of the
medicinal waters at Hot Springs, S. D.
If you are interested address for par
ticulars, A. S. Fielding City Ticket
Agent Northwestern Line, 117 South
Tenth street, Lincoln, Neb.