THB COURIER.
Hiffeat of ill in Leavening Power-Late (J. S. Gov't Reposf
&J Baking
ABSOLUTELY PURE
KM
BRYAN'S BEE AND THE GOLD-BUG
S
t
I
Nobody ought to say a hard word of
the millions of industrious but ill
informed persons who are the vie imsof
the silver mania, and would be the
victims of the 1G to 1 dollar if that noble
buzzard coin should be allowed to prey
upon us. Many of these persons, more
over, are still subject to reason and may
yet be converted. There is a very oum
erous and formidable class, however,
which is hopeless. In spite of the pre
vailing impression to the contrary. I
have nev.r been able to convince myself
that Americans are a particularly in
dustrious people. They think they
are, and are always howling about work
and "breaking down" under it but there
are plenty of them who nevei sully their
hands with it. Our real genius is for
talk, emotional and highly-colored talk,
with no extensive basis of facts. No
body can have seen much of small
country settlements, in any part of the
country, without having Iteen struck
with the large number of gentlemen
who do no work, and seen to have no
other visible means of support than a
bench or a fence or the platform of a
railroad station. If there is a railroad
station, their chief employment is to
watch the trains come in; if there is
none, they ornament the post office, or
the grain and feed store, or the barroom.
Usually they are respectable. In the
south they are always members of
"leading families.' The worst that
their neighbors will say of them is that
they are "shiftless critters" or "poor
pay." I do not know how they live,
but they seldom handle any instrument
of labor except a fishing pole or a gun.
They condescend to no meaner occupa
tion than politics, which they will dis
cuss with great heat and fury as long
as they are awake. Ordinary politics
serves them very well, but they do not
feel that they have an opportunity to
exercise the finest powers of their genius
except when politics is busy with some
financial question. Upon greenbacks,
upon the wickedness of national banks
and the bankers and they have a par
ticular hatred of these, on account of
their reluctance to loan money to peo
ple who have no means or intentions of
paying it back upon Wall street, aid
the Vaaderbiits and Jay Gould, and
corporations and watered stock, and the
gold bugs they love to dilate by the day.
shaving off the plug). The country is
very full of Bill Mudis, and every
mother's 6on of them will vote for sil
ver. They hope that it will hurt the
rich, and in some unexplained way help
them. Still, I do not see how they can
be any better off than they are. They
have absoli'ed themselves from the
primal curse of labor. They toil not,
and they only spin yarns. It is their
easy task to criticise the government
and to disseminate the financial views
of Bedlam.
I wish to make a respectful but em
phatic protest to the directors ot the
Eden Musee and to the gentleman who
is the curator of the collected greatness
of that gallery of waxworks. On Sun
day two new figures were there immor
talized. One was Major William Mc
Kinley. The other was Mr. William
J. Bryan. They have an alcove to
themselves. They are the leading
characters in the show. McKinley looks
all right and in place. There is no air
of constraint about him. He is capable
of shutting up and does not feel any
ill-effects therefrom. The case is very
different with the Kid Populist. He
has never shut up since he was born.
He talks in his sleep. The imperious
craving for expression yearns and surges
in his whole being. As I looked at his
waxen counterpart J could hardly be
lieve that Senator Peffer or some other
old populist witch was not sticking pins
in it for the sake of tormenting the
original. The eyeballs protruded and
spun around like piuwheels. The
sockets rattled with a hollow sound like
the chains of a ghost in the deepest
figure to convey any impression of his
toric truth, they will connect the mouth
with a phonograph or a speaking
ti limpet, or employ a ventriloquist to
talk into it. I believe that at present it
has to be rewaxed every three hours, so
great' is .the wear and tear; and when
the wax is off and tho wires are exposed
they 'distinctly hum iu h thin treble
those silver words which the Kid Popu
list has as-ked to have inscribed upon
his tombstone next November. "1 will
not press down upon the brow of labors
crown of thorns. I will not crucify
mankind upon a cross of gold."
Even when Mr. Bryan is provided
with some means of exercising his voice
he ought not to be left in the Baiue al
cove with Major McKinley. He should
be put into a padded room somewhere
among the chamber of herrors where
his lungs and his larynx can gallop and
curvet and prance and buck as much
as they want to without interfer
ing with the neighbors. Major McKin
ley has good, strong nerves, and is not
easily affected, but nobody with a proper
coneideiation for his health and due
dread of neurasthenia and paresis will
venture to stand for three months within
two ot three feet of the Nebraska Infant
Phenomenon. The noise will be enough
to drive a deaf man crazy. Besides, Mr.
Bryan's neighbor is liable to be deluged
with hot wax any moment. Take the
Boy away. Where is Superintendent
Jenkins? Where is Commodore Gerry?
The presidential collection of the Mil
see is by no means complete. There are
great gaps in it which ought to be filled
at once. Mr. Joshua Levering of Balti
more, the rich and impressive coffee
merchaut who is amusing himself by
running or walking backward as the
straight prohibition candidate for preei
ident, would be an ornament to any ex
hibition of statuary in wax or marble or
bronze or butter. He ought to have a
hall or an alcove by himself. He would
make a good central figure for a room
in which nothing was sold except soda,
sarsaparilla, ginger ale and lemonade.
Then there is the Rev. Charles E. Bent
ley, like Mr. Bryan, a citizen of Lincoln,
that mother of men who will never be
president. I will not say that Mr.
Ben'ley is the candidate ot the crooked
prohibitionists, for prohibitionists, as
the old conumdrum says, can never be
selected either Judge William J. Gaynor
or Mirabeau Lamar Towns, the poet
publicist, as their candidate for vice-,
president. It is the greatest honor to
Mr. Matchett and to Brooklyn that their
merit has been discovered bv the social
ist non-laborers. I am told that Mr.
Matchett has the misfortune to be an
actual workiugman, and consequently
is much out of place as a candidate of
the labor party. However that may be,
I feel certain that he is an able person
age and a congenial subject for the wax
moulder's art. The Matchetts are nat
urally distinguished. Witness the
nursery rhyme, saturated, however,
with the spirit ot profound wisdom that
used to be a favorite in Cattaraugus
county and other seats of intellects in
the lower tier:
Nobby Matchett, Nobby Matchett,
Lost his head and couldn't catch it.
Clearly this applies o Mr. Bryan, not
to Mr. Matchett.
Town Topics.
Canon City coal
Coal and Lime Co.
at the WbUebreas
8
ooocaoooooo
H. W. BROWN
Druggist and
Bookseller.
witiaas:as
Fine Stationery,
.and
Calling Cards
127 S. Eleventh Street.
PHONE 68.
OOOOOOOOOOO-
8
SULl'HO-SAUNE
iEi
nil
.
COR 14 AND M.
tv,rKCoxre, ansi
dungeon beneath the castle moat. The like Dr. Homily Hepworth's legs. Mr.
sweat of suffering and baffled endeavor Bentley is a compound prohibitionist, a
ran from every pore. The attendant silver-and-water man, so to speak. He
had to pack the figure in ice. Even ouqht to be set up iu the collection. I
then the sculptor was busy every mo- do not know what his gifts of counte-
ment in plastering up the solutions of nance are. Does he look as fine and
continuity. Each particular hair stood fierce as one ot his chief supporters, the
on end, as if electrified by the strong illustrious John Prohibitionist St.
currents ot eloquence geuerate4 by the John, who comes from Kansas, of
coils ot convolutions in the thought course, and haB been a candidate for
battery. The hands twitched and president himeelf? At any rate, his
pumped convulsively. The Adams ap- combination and form ought to be ex-
ple was distended until it was aa big as hibited to the New York public Tarn
a Georgia watermelon. The chest many Hall may repeut and want to vote
heaved tumultuously. Contortions of
epilepsy gambolled about the mouth
and lips. Inarticulate gasps and chok-
ing sounds' seemed to come from the
Finance is regarded by many as a dry windpipe. The left foot shifted and ad
study, but it has a perpetual fascination vanced uneasily. I never saw a more
for these philosophers. They do not affecting picture ot helpless agony,
bother themselves about facts, but they
have a very beautiful lot ot fiction which
they embroider with language full of
sulphur and brimstone. "Jay Gould
had 8300,000,000" fortunes grow rap
idly in these exchanges of financial
thought "and I ain't got a cent. Do
It was an unconscious but an awful
cruelty to set up this figure and to con
demn it to silence and leave it wresting
and quivering, striving hopelessly for
speech. It will fall down and hurt it
self; it will melt away in paroxysms ot
you mean to tell me that's right? Ain't immitigable pain. It is the part of
I as good a man as ld Gould ever was? common humanity for the directors to
I tell yer we ain't got no free govern- take the thing away. The Bight of this
ment. We ain't nothing but serfs and dolorous struggle gives pain to every
slaves. We do all the work (spits) and beholder. There is no air of probability
them bloodsuckers gits all the profit.
There'll be a revolution in this country
in tea years (spits) or my name ain't
Bill Mudd. I tell yer we've got to rise
up and git our rights. I'm sick and
tired ot tryin' to earn my bread by the
sweat of my brow." (Cuts another
about the figure anyway. It cannot in
the least resemble the original. It is
as inpossible to think ot Mr. Bryan
overtaken by silence hb to think of
Francis Murphy overtaken by drink or
William Sulzer by intelligence. If the
authorities of the Eden Musee wish the
for him.
And there is Mr. Matchett. I apolo
gize for having forgotten Mr. Matchett's
other name, but I have the satisfaction
of knowing he is the socialist labor man
fur preideut. I suppose he is trying to
allure the vote ot the sociahets who do
not labor, but I am afraid that young
Mr. Bryan has got the start of him.
That does not prevent Mr. Matchett
from being a fascinating character, and
worthy of waxing. He comes from
Brooklyn. So do several hundred thou
sand other persons, to whom I beg
leave to offer most sincere condolence. I
do not remember that Brooklyn has
ever before had a candidate for presi
dent. I be'ieve that Gen. Stewart L.
Woodford might have been nominated
for vice-president once upon a time, and
doubtless Tiny Tim Woodruff will be
wnen he gets old enough and has stayed
long enough in Jericho, and I cannot
forgive the intelligent patriots who as
sembled at Chicago for not having
Open at all Hours Day and Ntgtit
All forma of baths.
"TURKISH. RUSSIAN AND ROMAN
With special attention to the anil
cation ot natural salt water baths.
Several timet stronger than sea water.
Special department for surgical eases
and diseases peculiar to women.
KJuBBatta, Skis, Blood mad Narrow Dte
aw, Liver and Kldaoy Tronblte mil rarnsTs
AUSMBts are treated aucceerfally.
Sea batatas Bay be enjoyed at all Meases P
oar lane salt wiaalac pool, 58x142 feet, M
10 feet deep, heated to uniform temperature e
80 degree.
DR8. M. H. AND J. O. EVERETT
Managing Physicians.
TO ST. PAUL. TO ST. PAUL. TO
ST. PAUL.
Only $9.00 to St. Paul, Minn., and re
turn by the North-Western route the
short line August 30 and 31 account
of the G. A. R. meeting there. As the
tickets have an extended limit to
September 30, an opportunity is of
fered for a vacation among the lakes
and streams of Minnesota and Wis
consin. Ashing and hunting, at a very
low cost. Get pamphlet on "Hints to
Tourists" at city office 117 south 10th
street, and make your arrangements
for berths, etc., In advance.
DR. E. D. SHERWIN
DENTIST,
Porcelain Fillings, Crown and Bridge
Work a Specialty.
ROOMS 17, 18, 19. BURR BLOCK
SECOND FLOOR.
Lincoln
Nebraska