paWftgP?S5J5
THE COURIER
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assaults without complaint It was about this tirao that he gave
utterance to tho laconic, expressive declaration, "let no guilty man
escape."
Grant could not consistently remove Bristow while tho whiskoy
trials wero pending, but when they were concluded, tho dispatches
one morning announced that Secretary Bristow would thereafter bo
known as "Ex-Secretary Bristow." Grant had quietly said to him:
"Your services as secretary are no longer required." Scott M. Mor
rill who had been Uuited States senator from Maine was appointed
secretary and served out the balance of Grant's administration.
When the treasury doors closed on Bristow ho fell with a thud;
the conspiracy hadcollapsed.and the plotters scattered liko fugitives
from justice It was one. of the meanest and most disreputable con
spiracies ever conceived in our history.
Tho correspondent, Wilson, says Bristow retired from politics in
disgust; yes, undoubtedly in disgust with himself for his treachery
to his benefactor Grant Ditto with Blueford Wilson
John M. Thayer.
REGARDLESS OF BEAUTY.
"I never thought Kentuckiansinscnsiblo to the charms of beauty"
says a writer in a New York paper. "I am at loss however, to un
derstand why a Louisville jury failed to give Pauline Markham more
than 14,000 for an injury received by one of her legs in falling into a
drain or a sidewalk excavation or coal-hole, or something of that
sort. Miss Markham sued for 810,000. Twenty-fivo years ago and
many good years since, Pauline Markham's legs were justly renown
ed as the most splendid, stately, shapely, glorious and perfect in the
world. Not only were they the legs regnant of burlesque, but all
legs, .either on or off the stage, acknowledged their proud supre
macy. Sages of the east and philosopher from tho ends of the
earth came to gaze upon them. Sculptors raved about them, and
painters praised their unattainabla perfection. They were the sum
mit, the acme, and the bright consummate flower of crural charm.
They were the legs of legs, unequaled in their archecture, inimit
able in superb and statuesque loveliness, a vision, a delight and a
desire. Four thousand dollars is only the interest on $100,000 at four
per cent. This may be a sunlcent estimate of an injury which tho
world will hope is slight. A Louisville jury should have given, how
ever, at least 8100,000 for even a scratch upon such monuments of
beauty."
THE GAME OF FLAPDOODlEDOO
As Played by the Most August Deliberative Body in the World.
SCENE Tho United States Senate. Cobwebs run from the
head of George Frisbie Hoar up to the clock, and there are
last year's bird's nests in Senator Peffer's whiskers. Living
Pictures are being exhibited. The thermometer is at 10C, and the
Tariff Bill is reposing in a jar of alchohol on the President's desk.
On David B. Hill's polished head a congress of flies is engaged in a
debate on the question of admitting fried potatoes to tho human
system free of duty. Mr. Henry Cabot Lodge is engaged in his con
tinuous act of trying to look intellectual. Mr. Kilanyi is giving a
special exhibition of pictures before "the most august deliberative
body in the world."
Mb. Kilanyi The first picture, gentleman, represents a group of
elegantly decorated idiots in the act of thinking. The idiot on the
extreme right is known as the champion of Colorado horsehair. He
represents the Btuffed soda industry of Soda Creek. Here in the
centre is the gentleman that has the shirt-flap interests of central
New York at heart, and the beautiful person on tho left with the
wart on his nose looks out for the manufacturers of pin-poles in
Texas.
Senator Aldrich (rising with enthusiasm) -Three cheers for
the United States Senate, the most august deliberative body in fho
world.
Each Senator presents himself with a boquet and cheers lustily.
Mr. Kilanyi (as another picture is disclosed) This, gentlemen,
represents a United States Senator refusing to make anything be
sides bis salary. Ho looks sad, but this is because he has just
swallowed, a whole cucumber and not because honesty disagrees
with him. The gentleman represented, by the way, is pledged by
his constituents to guard tho interests jit tho toy baloon makers in
tho southwest. Ho is what i'b known as a statesman and patriot,
and if tho company will stop 'round to the back of tho picture it will
find that tho stars and stripes arc embroidered on the seat of his
pantB.
Senator MacPhkrson (rising solemnly) Gentlemen, this is a
great day for tho most august deliberative body of tho world.
The Senators shake hands all around and John M. Palmer pins
a cauliflooicer in his buttonhole.
Mit. Kilanyi (as the jnctures shift) Hero, gentlemen, we havo
the Committee on Snores after studying the Wilson Bill for three
years. The beard of the chairman is, as you see, eight yards long.
The committee has just reached tho question: "Shall we strike out
the clauso adding one-hundredth per cent, doty to unripe rubber
balls?'' Great pressure has been brought to bear upon tho com
mittee by the rubber ball interests of Paggawackett, Mass.
Mr. Hoar (getting to his feet with dignity) Allow me gentlemen
to propose that tho forts of the cauntry tire forty-fivo guns in honor
of tho most angust deliberative body in tho world.
Wilkinson Call, of Florida, takes off his boots and decorates his
desk with socks darned in red, ichite and blue.
Mr. Kilanyi The next picture, gentlemen, shows a group of up
right and thirsty Senators putting another lump of sugar in thoir
tea. The Wilson Bill is here seen in the distant wrapped in crape
and supporting itself on crutches.
Senator Brioe (exultantly) Hooray for tho most august deliber
ative body in the world!
Senator Pugh takes a wreath of laurel from his desk and places
it on his otcn brow.
Mr. Kilanyi My lastpicture,geptloman,showB tho United States
Senate passing the Wilson Bill. Tho bill is being pissed on the
other side of the street. You will note that each member carries an
axe, a bowie knife and a saw. The bill has already been beaten into
insensibility, had all its limbs amputated and its heart removed.
But the birdseed industry of the south is still unsatisfied. The tutti
frutti manufacturers still demand further protection. The glass-eye
makers want foreign competition discouraged, ana the Welsh Rare
bit Association asks that the tax be taken off dry toast. All these
thingB need time. This picture represents the things taking time.
I call it my chef 'douuere. I will leave it in the frame. You might
liko to look at it for a few months.
The Senators rise id a body and regard each other solemnly and
admirably.
Mr. Hill (with great deliberation) -Wo aro a splendid assem
blage. Chorus Wo aro!
Mil Hill The eyes of tho Nation aro upon us, and wo aro being
acclaimed as heroes and sages.
CnoRus Wo are!
Mr. Hill I propose that wo adjourn and parade in barouches
along Pennsylvania avenue, that the public may look upon ub and
strew roses in our path.
Chorcs We will parade.
Mr. Hill And now let me propose three cheers for the most
august deliberative body in the world.
Threo cheers are given. Mr. Pugh takes another wreath from his
desk and places it on top of tho one he already wears. Each mem
ber then presents himself with a fresh boquet. Tho most august
deliberative body in the world next marches out of tho Senate Cham
ber and, preceded by a brass band, leaves the Capitol. Tho houses
and public buildings are decorated brilliantly with Hags, and guns
aro booming on all sides. The public cheers, the small dogs bark
and the President hides himself in the cellar of the White House.
And so tho triumph of the most august deliberative body of tho
world goes on. They are great people. And the public well, the
public continues to bo tho guy.
Tho Satirist in Town Topics.
E. Sisler. Wholesale Ice Cream and fruit ices. .New location, at
133 south 12 St. Phone 630.
We havo removed our stock of harness from 1235 to 1218 O street,
where we will be glad to see all our old customers and many new
WOODWORTH & McFALL.
